My Language

And sometimes shapes and colors are my language, they speak louder than any words I could manage. When I say yes or no I hope you understand that it is not about you, but about me. I am for the first time in my life holding on to my heart. Fearlessly connecting my own life and emotion with passion and excitement. My intent is never to hurt or complicate another’s life but to honor my own heart.

"Dust to dust"  The Civil Wars

You're like a mirror, reflecting me  Takes one to know one, so take it from me

You've been lonely  You've been lonely, too long

We've been lonely  We've been lonely, too long

Sacred

If there were really words that could in some way explain this journey….they would be here….I wish I could explain the battle I have with my own heart. The one thing that keeps me alive, the one thing that spiritually guides my emotions, is the thing that has turned on me. I am waging a medical, chemical war on my own heart. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent to test it, examine it, push it, medicate it and I forget to ask myself how do I feel about it. And when I finally do, it feels wrong. It is a spiritual fight between expectations and reality. I suspect it is a sacred war that has been going on since the beginning of time…there is nothing new here.

"Faith of the Heart"  Rod Stewart

It's Hard...

I have such a hard time allowing people in, I have had several people tell me that I just do not let them in….. and I thought I did. But I have to admit perhaps I am just afraid for anyone to see my weak spots, afraid they might not like my darks. I have spent a lifetime not being allowed to be anything less than strong. Weakness and fear are not acknowledged or accepted in my family. I learned how to take care of me by not exposing myself. Every once in a while when my emotions reached an overwhelming place and did slip out, they were perceived as criticisms. My feelings were always unreasonable and irrational. I am not complaining, for the most part the walls I built around my emotions are what make me strong. When I look back at my art and my love of Caravaggio’s art works I am seeing that it is all of the darks that make the lights in the art and in my life sing.
Right now, so much of my strength is getting redirected towards a disease that I know in my heart I will not win…I am getting tired and questioning whether or not that struggling to be strong is only wasting my energy. I do not want to waste any more energy trying to convince me and everyone around me that I am strong. I want to spend my time, my energy, on my life, love and living.

  

"Blackbird"  The Beatles                

What I want...laughing, living, loving!

You know what???? Marilyn is absolutely right! Another round of overwhelming depression. Is it really the a result of living with a chronic disease…as I have been told?  Out of desperation I looked up the meds, one of them listed severe depression as the #1 side effect. Now I understand why they keep asking me this at rehab, explaining that heart failure is a huge cause of depression and then depression will make heart failure worse. Well NO SHIT…when the meds you have me on also cause depression…..what chance do I have? This has got to stop, anything or even nothing has to be better than this! The meds have got to go, because at this point it is exactly what I want. I want to laugh, love, enjoy my life ….not this!


"All the Right Moves"  One Republic

The 4th

Well, if it were not for that 151 proof watermelon.....

It was a wonderful sparkly 4th of July!
Thanks!

 
"American Baby"  Dave Matthews

My life....my happiness...

and I have to remember that there is no one or no thing that can take this from me without my permission.

 No doctors 

No medications 

No friends 

No family 

No money 

No unfortunate situation 

that can take away my creativity,happiness and my ablity to love, play and enjoy my life!

"Strong"  One Direction

Fail

There are some days I am so much better at failing than others!  Yesterday was one of those days that I let failing bite me in the butt! It was unexpected, not fun and just plain overwhelming!  I powered through it in front of others and then just melted down when there was no one around to see me.
It's a new day, I get to start all over again!


"Everyday"  Dave Matthews Band

Simply Believing

Kind of simple and sappy….”just believe” but it is a great life tool!  But a tool I think so many have forgotten about or worse only allow themselves to attach the word to religious values. Does believing have to be so incredibly outrageous that all common sense must be suspended to believe.  Believing is a small internal act of choosing.  Choosing to go against what is typically accepted to be true.  It is indeed my choice!  I have done so many impossible things by simply believing that I can!

"I Believe"  Christina Perri

The Best Day of my Life...

The decision has always been mine, but making it has been a difficult one. I have wanted to claim it, but have been afraid.
Part of my upbringing firmly believed that a rule is a rule is a rule and you do NOT break rules. There is no forgiveness. What other people think IS important.
The other part of my upbringing believed in the rule up to the point that they wanted to break it. So if you could find enough reasons, blame someone else, or get a doctor’s note, well then, rules become optional.
Sorting out and finding my balance has been a struggle. My life as my journey, my gift that I and I alone am responsible is a wonderful description of the balance I have been looking for. My children are grown, the people I love will come to know that I alone am responsible for the quality of my life.  The choices  I make are getting eaisier but I am still wrestling with it.  I am creating an amazing journey!


"Shaking the Tree" Peter Gabriel

No wonder!

and now it is perfectly understandable why I am so addicted to the music! Woo-hoo!

Thank you!

...For flights that took off and arrived on time.

...For friends and family that may not understand my path, my choices or my secrets, but support me unconditionally in my attempts to embrace and explore everything my life can offer me with new exciting and loving experiences.

...For the open arms, hours and hours of heart felt loving conversations that expose me at my core and allow me to be afraid, or giggle, to play or cry when I need to share my heart.

"Kind & Generous"    Natalie Merchant

Push!

Getting on an airplane for the first time in almost 5 years!  Whew!  Going to Atlanta......away from all of my safety nets! Scared, excited, deliberately pushing way outside of my comfort zone! It is amazing that I started cardiac rehab this week and they have stressed over and over again to push my physical body....not too much...but push! I will not get stronger unless I push my limits!  Now, I am emotionally pushing, too!
Regardless of what happens, I will come back a much stronger and confident woman.
It is amazing....I can do this!

                                "It's Amazing"  Jem

I am creative!

One of those goofy FB quizzes and holy crap!
Maybe, just maybe I really am!

   
"Art"  Tanya Davis
"I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard just because i like them does that mean i should mic them and see what might unfurl

i think of the significance of my opinions here
is it significant to be giving them does anybody care just because i'm into this does that mean i should live like it and really do i dare"
                                                  ~ Tanya Davis

The Summer "Big Girl Panty Report"

Things are changing!  I am pushing back, I mean I have always pushed, but now I am really pushing! Cardiac rehab is new and going well....challenging me to move way past my comfort zone.  I am finding physical and emotional strength that I thought might have been gone forever!  Doctors have lined up a second round of tests waiting for insurance approval up but I am not putting anything on hold for them, this time they work around me. My life goes on and this time I am not worried about what they say.   Nothing can hurt me now!
#1  Going on a trip, a flight, albeit it really short to Atlanta.  Flying, going out of state is something I have been deathly afraid to do!  What if something happens while I am not home???? Time to face that fear and I am DOING IT anyway!
#2  A second beer drinking, bootie shakin' trip to the Tampa Dave Matthews concert coming up, too. #3 And a week at the beach with all of my grandsons.
It is going to be a great summer!  Not worring about a thing...

"Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing"  Stevie Wonder

What a fool I have been!

OK… so I am not 65 or 75 but….I got some other issues that certainly helped me relate.  Although I never got even remotely close to perfect, I now look back on my life and see how much of my life and energy I wasted on trying to get there or trying to make the rest of the world think, I already had it.  I squandered time, money, my children, energy, talent, life, (and this list can go on and on and on) doing what other people expected, very rarely asking  is this what I wanted.  Now that I am getting closer to my end, I find myself desperately wanting to make up for lost time.  Going out of my way to have experiences I have denied myself.  Maybe I am over doing, maybe not. Maybe somewhere in here I will find the balance. 

When the author said it will break your heart…It will… it does, and it did… I let it break my heart…What a fool I have been!

"Chain of Fools"  Aretha Franklin

“Well behaved women, rarely make history.”

“Well behaved women, rarely make history.” ~Marilyn Monroe 
I just bought this ring with that saying etched in the metal. It is huge, obnoxious and on some level compliments the “no fear” tattoo on my foot except maybe it is more encouragement to act rather than react. Time to be brave, push harder, reach further, make the most of and appreciate every moment and my life, even when others won’t or don’t know how to. I am finally figuring it out.
 There is no heaven, hell or happily ever after. They are all fairy tales, there is no such thing in reality. So….I can wallow in pathetic reality or launch like a fool into life creating a new adventure and another dream. I do not really care if you think I am nuts or do not understand it!      It is.... after all my reality! 

"Closer to Fine"  Indigo Girl

I'm trying to tell you something about my life, Maybe give me insight between black and white

The best thing you've ever done for me, Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, And lightness has a call that's hard to hear

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket, I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy  With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee

He never did marry or see a B-grade movie, He graded my performance, he said he could see through me

I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper, And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

  

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m. To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend

I woke up with a headache like my head against a board , twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before

I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout

We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout

There's more than one answer to these questions

pointing me in a crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine      ~Indigo Girls

Listen

"If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright."

"Answer"  Sarah McClachlan

Thank you Daddy!

Father's Day 2014....
and I am just beginning to have the grace and love to look back on a very rocky childhood and begin to truly appreciate and be grateful for all that I did have.  Your lessons, both good and bad have given me the strength I have today.
Thank you Daddy, I use that strength every day!


"Life in Color"  One Republic

My wedding day, just before walking down the aisle 40 years ago.

Back in the Waiting Line....

I find myself back waiting in line, at the door of the medical industry, I need to remember that this is their business, my personal health and welfare are not their primary concern, my ability to pay is.

The only thing that is a little different this time is that I am taking responsibility for my expectations. I do not expect anything from them and I will appreciate those that do help me.  But I choose to not give them my power. Or expect anything from them.

"In the Waiting Line"  Zero 7
Doesn't seem to be 

anybody else who agrees with me

Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream But I'd rather not have seen, And I’ll hide away for another day

Do you believe In what you see. Motionless wheel, nothing is real. Wasting my time, in the waiting line

Do you believe in what you see?

Abracadabra!

smiles
love
creativity
love
friends
love
passion
love
connected
love
excited
love
fearless
love
healthy
and oh yea.....love...love...love...love...

"The Word"  The Beatles

Much easier said than done!

We are taught and I suspect it is our second nature to avoid fear and all of the feelings that are associated with it.

We are taught to follow the rules, do not make waves, do not stand out, fit in and fear of not being "normal" seems to be the greatest tool to insure that we all are kept in line.

So the conundrum for me is that in almost every case, it is the people, the artists, the writers, the musicians, the politicians, the teachers, etc., etc. that move past their fear that break the molds of normal that we as a society most admire.  Their ability to break the chains of rules and rise above is the common link that unites each of them...they did not let fear decide their fate.

 
"Funny the Way it is"    Dave Matthews

Waiting

Tomorrow's tests were canceled....insurance has not given their approval for payment.  Part of me is so relieved, the other part was ready to get this done and over with.  I was emotionally ready to begin dealing with and making the "what next" decisions.  It has been like holding my breath for a month, waiting to find out if this last round of medication and all of the miserable side effects has made a difference or have I bought into another medical compromise.

Waiting means a few more days of not having to make decisions.  I am not giving up,
I am choosing to have a GREAT life.



"I Won't Give Up"   Jason Marz

Surrounding Myself

Sometimes I forget this….Not only do I forget it but for reasons that I cannot explain I will begin to expect that art, music, intrigue and romance should come looking for me!

What makes me or any other creative feel like if we finally declare to the world who and what we are, that these things will automatically be attracted to us. That other artists and creatives will recognize us immediately as part of their tribe.

The reality of the situation is, as an artist I need to actively participate in the act of “surrounding myself”. I cannot find any of these things on a computer screen or a TV or a book. Life, a real life, a fascinating life, a full life.... happens in person!

I am taking on the responsibility of “surrounding myself” with what I love, and what makes me happy!


"All We are"    Matt Nathanson

Some days you just got to get back up (and dance)….

There are those days that just stink, but I need to remember today and every day is is amazing and wonderful and too precious to waste. Resting, relaxing, rejuvenating, becoming inspired, napping, writing long emails, reading is not wasting time….

Worrying, jealously, envy, wanting to change someone.... those are life sucking wastes of time.
I get knocked down, but I get up again.

" I Get Knocked Down"  Chumbawamba

NOT broken!

Not broken....not me...I am not broken!  There are pieces and parts of me that are slower and maybe not as reliable as they used to be (and in some cases never really were) but they are not broken. I am  closer to "whole" than I think I have ever been in my life. No one ever really stopped me from being and expereincing all that life has to offer, I was just afraid.  Afraid, that I would upset, dissapoint and not be what others thought I should be.
I had to be ready to physically and emotionally break, lose everything before....I was willing to break the rules and come this close to whole. Not broken!

"All About You Heart"   Mindy Gledhill

settling....

"Morning Girl"  Neon Philharmonic Orchestra

Little Things

On the days that everything seems to go wrong, I forget about all of the wonderful little things that go right! Like….water heaters! What a marvelous thing, turn on just about any faucet in the house and within a few moments, amazing hot water! And that little thing, that I barely noticed and certainly did not appreciate, QUIT…..AUGH!!!!

I probably should mention that our water heater was over 35 years old, which I have been told is incredibly unusual. Perhaps I should have seen this coming. Who knew???  At any rate, part of this event was not only to simply replace the water heater but to upgrade to the newest tankless water heater.

An event of epic proportions, not only does it require water be shut off, but also upgrades to the electrical panel and that means no power either!

In the hands of licensed professionals this may not have been a big deal, but in the hands of my husband and son it becomes an entirely different event. After a weekend of flushless toilets, no showers, intermittent power, 5 trips to the hardware store, and a large amount of grousing punctuated by some really colorful language we now how an endless supply of hot water.

I am so so very grateful to Skip and Darren and this amazing hot water. It really is the little everyday things I forget to be grateful for! Thanks guys!

"Belly Belly Nice" Dave Matthews Band

Oh, the light that shines upon the gift that everyone has for the taking

And happiness so pure as this is surely worth the making

Plot Twist!

Since this all started, I have been sure I was the ONE that was going to beat this! I was the one that was going to prove to the world that art, creativity and a positive attitude could fix anything….everything. I was not going to let the medical industry take away my money, my hope and my life.
I could do this! I could do this all by myself! I do not need help.
Plot twist! I am not the ONE…
Plot Twist! Art, creativity and a positive attitude really really really help, but it does not fix anything much less everything.
Plot Twist! I hate the medical industry, and I am now at their mercy.
Plot Twist!
Plot Twist!
Plot Twist.....Moving on…….there is a great deal of peace, happiness, joy and accomplishment just in the moving on!
I am indeed MOVING ON!

"Let it Be Me" Indigo Girls

Let it be me, This is not a fighting song   Let it be me, Not a wrong for a wrong
Let it be me, If the world is night   Shine my life like a light 

Complicated life

Some find it so easy, they follow all of the rules, make plenty of money, have perfect bodies, pets, children, and front yards. I often wonder why it has always been so hard for me.  I thought I wanted all of these things, always felt like a huge failure because I just could not seem to attain them.  The reality is if I  had wanted them bad enough I have no doubt I could have produced them.  The question has always been why did I not want what everyone else wants? If I did not want these things then what do I want? My life is full, some is good, some is bad. Some is complicated, some  parts very simple.  Some parts people would understand, other parts they would not.  Some of my life is an open book others I keep well hidden.  This is the life I know…

              " Life I know"      Inda Arie

Embezzlers

Heart failure and pills…what they do not tell you, is that these pills will never make you feel better. I always thought that was the purpose of medicine. All they do is “slow down” the progress of the heart failure while compromising the quality of life now.
They embezzle life!
I am in a different position now. Now the pills.... we hope will stave off a surgical procedure to fix a valve, and the question is….would that procedure do more damage than good. So I take the pills, I struggle with incredible tiredness.  I wonder if I am doing the right thing or am I giving into traditional medical intervention out of fear? Are these latest pills life embezzlers or my salvation?
Trying so hard to see this latest round of medical intervention from a new, positive, hopeful, optimistic light.

"Jagged Little Pill" (you live, you learn)  Alanis Morrisette

I am certain you are tired of reading about my complaints, but if I complain here then I get it out, and no one else has to listen to me whine and grumble. Believe me....no one wants to hear what this feels like.

just breathe....

Sometimes, it is hard not to want to jump ahead.
I feel like this is a giant chess game....
If I do this, perhaps it will solve this, but if it does not....Then we will do that....
And if that doesn't work well then we will talk about it later
Sometimes, I want to know what the "later" is right now!
I need to plan, prepare, get ready, get everyone else ready.
Then I realize...
I am screwing up my now..

Right NOW, I just need to live, smile, love!

Just keep breathing....

"Keep Breathing"   Ingrid Michealson        

Superhero

"Take off your mask, put down your guard

Don’t need a symbol on your chest

It’s all right for once to play

The damsel in distress

You’re gonna use up all your strength

Trying to be so strong

Don’t have to shoulder all the weight

Together we can take it on"

      

                       "Superhero"  Ross Lynch

...when the only person you have ever been able to rely on is yourself, when I have been my own superhero for such a very long time, it is hard to recognize and accept help.  I am trying, I am trying, I do not like being weak, and I just do not know how to accept help.  I have always been my own superhero! 

Shaking the Tree

I love the idea of "shaking the tree"!  It implies all of the answers, all of the materials, everything I need is already here and available to me.  All I have to do is have the courage to look for the right tree and shake loose everything I need.  I am learning that I have to trust everything I need is already here.


       "Shaking the Tree"    Peter Gabriel

Miracles

Maybe the miracle is my life, my art, my love and I am just expecting too much....
Maybe I need to spend more time rejoicing in all that I have.
Maybe I should be chasing the life that I have control of rather than the cures that someone else controls. Control that I have to schedule, and pay for.
Is that how healing really happens?
I do not recall a single miracle that required an appointment or a co-pay.  Am I looking in the wrong place for healing?
Where is my Fairy Godmother?  I need you now!


"Iris"  The Goo-Goo Dolls
"And I don't want the world to see me, 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am"

Dirty window...unwritten...

Licked my wounds...Paying attention...Coming at this from a new perspective...

I am fighting backin....In my own way!

                                            

                                                "Dirty Window" 2013

Heal Yourself.....

Learning that I may be able to be strong and accept help.  They may not be exclusive situations, although I can freely admit I am not sure I can do it...Just saying I am beginning to to see it.  I have always seen needing help as a weakness. The only way to get around it was to pay people to help.  That was acceptable. Some how...if you had the resources to pay for help, you kind of got a get out "weakness" free card. That option has never really been available to me.
If I am going to lead the life I imagined....I might need help...  Maybe time to heal myself...by healing my thinking.


"Heal Yourself"   Ruthie Foster

I suspect...

I suspect the "hard" part is beginning.
I suspect fear will be the hardest part, not what my heart is or is not doing.
I want to be present, I want to know, I want to feel it all.
The good as well as the bad...I suspect there is going to be a lot of cookies!
As long as I am not having to eat cookies by myself, I suspect I am going to be just fine.


"Dust to Dust"  The Civil Wars

Yesterday the latest test results show my EF is down to 25-30, and a heart valve is failing.  New round of ass kicking drugs, then more tests, then a possible discussion (I am not thinking this is a good idea, but will listen) about surgical repair of the valve.

I am on a journey...

and oh boy....I would give my right elbow to just have the tiniest clue of just what my destination will be. I preach regularly about living in the NOW and I know all of the cliches' about it is not the destination but the journey, and yes...I get that. But please know that I think there must be a destination in the picture before the journey can have meaning. And although I do not want to over emphasize the destination or minimize the importance of living in the NOW, I am becoming keenly aware of how important it is to have some kind of destination or goal.  My recent work with "The Desire Map" by Danielle LaPorte has been extremely helpful in melding future goals and living fully in the NOW but I am still struggling with the concept.  I intellectually understand it, the frustration presents itself in applying it to my life.

Passionate, Connected, Excited, Fearless

                                                                         "Distance"  Christina Perri

Get Out of My Way!

What a great night! I loved it….every minute of it! When the beginning of the week started so incredibly horrible there just are no words that can explain how amazing it was to finish it up on such a spectacular note.

They radiate, illuminate and insert then tell me it is time to think about how I live my life. I only know how to live one way and until I cannot do it, that is how it will be done.

Wish they had been there Saturday night!

I just want to tell them to get the hell out of my way!

"Get Out of my Way"  Ruthie Foster

Finding the Light!

Bangin' my head...

Another head banging medical experience and I
believe I really have accepted the fact that I have a part in the responsibility of carrying on a meaningful and beneficial dialog with the medical industry.  Unfortunately I am walking away with another extremely expensive experience filled with frustration, lack of communication and I am not certain when it is all said and done at the expense of my physical body and absolutely positive that my emotional heart has taken another beating.

I do not know how to fix this, but I am clear that this is part of why I am here.

                                                                   "ooh child"  Beth Orton

So….I am going with the goofy pants!

Several months ago, my best, dearest friend in the whole wide world and I were shopping, which is a dangerous situation in itself and I need to mention that she is every bit as wicked and sadistic as I am.

This goofy pair of yellow, red and blue paisley flowered leggings were hanging on the rack (and the clearance rack at that) when she snatched them up, waved them in the air like she was surrendering to the enemy and hollers across the store "these look just like you". It was one of those ridiculous moments that for reasons I cannot begin to explain we both broke in to an uncontrollable case of the silly giggles, the kind where you laugh so hard your cheeks ache, your sides hurt and all but wet your pants in the middle of the store.

How could I NOT buy a pair of marked-down $12.99 leggings that created so much laughing, not to mention a puddle in the store.

Buying them was one thing, wearing them is another thing all together!

I am now thinking….these are excellent
“Celebration of Creativity” (art opening) party pants!
Woo-Hoo!  Look out for puddles!

"Happy"   Pharrell Williams

Brave

I want to be brave, but my heart and my life need a little help, I am scared and I hate asking.

I need a partner that will help me create the best most amazing life I am capable of having (instead of a long disease).  I do not need someone telling me what I should not do or lessons on how to modify my activities.  I do not need someone that focuses on the negativity of my physical heart by medicating the life out of me now!   I need a doctor that is my partner, that will champion my emotional heart, that encourages my creative heart that appreciates my amazing heart.  The heart that loves, plays, appreciates, and celebrates life.

I need a life partner not a death doctor.

"Brave"  Sara Bareilles

"You can be amazing, You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast, Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love, Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do, When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight, Sometimes a shadow wins, 

But I wonder what would happen if you? Say what you wanna say, And let the words fall out"

~Sara Bareilles

Installing a Celebration of Creativity! Finding the Light, Leesburg 2014

This group is an absolute blast!  

They are relaxed, supportive, extremely creative and oh boy, do they know how to play!

"Art lives in paradox, Serious art is born from serious play"~Julia Cameron

Trust the truth

There are times I am certain my heart knows  long before my head is willing to see the truth.  There are other times the exact opposite is true and I am just as certain that my head will see the truth first, long before my heart is willing to accept it.
The one thing both of these scenarios have in common is that when the truth is difficult, I am gifted at ignoring it. I am skilled at not trusting myself.
When it comes to ugly truths, I can hide them, cover them up, pretend it is not happening, lie to others, and myself. I am learning to recognize how and when I do this, but it is always after the fact.
Will I ever be able to see the truth before it creates so much pain?

Will I ever allow myself to trust the truth or is the suspension of truth part of what makes me an artist? (or human?)

"Galileo"  Indigo Girls

As Though I had Wings

Oh please, please, please, never let me get too old, tired or sick

that I cannot find my wings. 

If life is not dangerous and improbable,
what would be the purpose? 

Know, now and forever that I that I am not afraid,

I have wings, or at least I think I do. 

I am not afraid to laugh.

I am not afraid to fail.


"Blackbird"     The Beatles

She' Got

I am so lucky in so many ways, I am also aware of the fact that I go to great lengths to present an image for the public to see and I make sure it looks good…
well as good as I can get it to look. 

Some things just cannot be covered up.

I mess up my life regularly!

I have ugly secrets!

I pretend that everything is all right
…when it is not.

I am thinking….this is life

and…. it is how I deal with this from day to day that will eventually define me.

"Big Girls don't Cry"    Fergie     

"I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you, It's personal, myself and I...We've got some straightenin' out to do, And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket, But I've got to get a move on with my life, It's time to be a big girl now,
 And big girls don't cry ."    ~Fergie   

Now you see it.....

I was enthralled several years ago with the theory that DaVinci had hidden symbols in his art, Giving the image so many ways to "communicate"... Every once in a while I have a great time fooling around with this theory and this medium made it so easy! And I got away with it!

"Strip Me" Natasha Bedinfield

Trying...

It was rather exciting to get a third place on new work and new medium.  The Universe keeps delivering this lesson.  This is the second time "get out of my comfort zone...try new things....move forward".

Letting go of the comfortable, what I know... is so hard.  But the lesson keeps coming around. I am going to have to let go of somethings to make room for the "new"
"You Might Die Trying"  Dave Matthews

Happy, it is my responsibility and I am OK with that...

When moving forward seems impossible, sometimes the only choice may be to look back and try to remember the happy.

somewhere in 80's, somewhere in the Virgin Islands, there was happy

I need to remind myself that there are times when there was lots of happiness, but I also need to remind myself every day, NOT to ever again put my happiness in the hands of someone else regardless of how much love there is.
If I am the only one responsible for my own happiness, then no one can take it from me. If I give someone else the power of making me happy, I also give them the power of taking it from me, making me sad and miserable. It has taken me a long time but I am learning the hard way. I am the only one that has control of making me happy. It does not matter how much time or love or history there is, I cannot risk ever trusting anyone else with my happiness.

This is my responsibility; no one else can do it for me.  My happy will never ever again come from someone else, it only comes from me.  I am ok with that.

"Let it be Me"     The Indigo Girls

Getting to nuts!

If someone was desperate enough to spy on me, hack into my email accounts they might read this blog from beginning to end…..I take that back….maybe just read a couple of months’ worth (it’s easy they are short posts). They would recognize that I am on an emotional carrousel ride …”around and around…up and down”! I might be seen as a bona fide bipolar nut job and do not need the extra excitement. Sometimes it is just plain scary how easily someone I do not know can become me. And if they really knew me, me is the last person they would want to be! I really do not need any additional help getting to nuts, I am doing just fine on my own....

"On a Carrousel"  The Hollies

Acceptance

I have the most bizarre way of wanting what I cannot have.  Spent a lifetime chasing after a grandiose dream of love, perfection and acceptance.  It is time to let go of my silly dreams…and not be attached to anything or anyone, learning this is my life and it is full of grace and gratitude, just not the way I thought it should be.  

"If You Could Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

Monday Morning!

Monday morning and the clouds have cleared enough for the sun to rise on me!
Monday morning and the week is new and anything is possible.
Monday morning and I have the strength to turn down the fear that has been playing in my head.
Monday morning...time to move toward all the good things waiting out there!


"Haven't Got Time for the Pain"  Carly Simaon