life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Friday, December 31, 2010

2011 Resolution

In 2011,

I will look to my own heart as my compass;

I trust it will help me see more clearly which direction to go to create an inspirational life.

I am grateful that I am on a path that will bring me closer to my purpose in life!

Thursday, December 30, 2010

The Greatest Gifts Do Not Fit Under the Tree!

A most awesome fun visit! Of all the gifts under the tree, these little guys are the real gifts of Christmas. My heart breaks for them every day!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Heart May Open

“Close the door of words that the window of the heart may open.” Rumi

This season brings out the best and the worst!
Mixed in with the random acts of kindness are massive amounts of vulgar ego.

I am just now learning how to open up and depend upon my heart.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

It Makes Anything Possible!

The Christmas season and anticipation of a brand new year fill my heart with positive thoughts, forgiveness and hope. The disappointments in the past cannot equal the power of love that gives my heart and soul all of the energy I could possibly need. It makes anything possible!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Listen to Your Heart

Listen to your heart when it asks you to act with kindness. Your heart knows what truly fulfills you.
Listen to your heart when it suggests that you be patient. Your heart knows how real and lasting value is created.

Listen to your heart when it calls you to live this moment with joy. Your heart knows what makes you the most effective.

Listen to your heart when it urges you to see profound beauty in the most ordinary things. Your heart knows where your real strength comes from.

Listen to your heart when it reminds you to feel hopeful. Your heart knows about possibilities that your mind has not yet considered.

Whether you're up or you're down, whether you're confident or unsure, listen to your heart. For your heart knows why you're here.

- Ralph Marston

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

No Matter What the Circumstances

I am not my problems and they are not me. I choose to express my unique value no matter what the circumstances.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Great Joy

Pain is part of life.
Accepting the hurt and moving forward anyway is the secret of happiness.
When you encounter great difficulty and resistance, it means you are on the verge of great joy.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Abstract Medicine

Ab-strakt (adjective) emotionally detached or distanced from something Encarta Dictionary: English (North American)

The idea of empathy, sincerity and caring about another human being as part of medicine is abstract.

Like a painter participates in a process that includes a relationship with the paint and the canvas, I wonder why my doctors cannot participate in the process that includes a relationship with medicine and me.

I am learning to make peace with the fact that in the eyes of most of today's medical industry I (and others) are nothing more than a billable disease.

"....9 out of 10 doctors think you should get well immediately, the 10th doctor thinks you have a few bucks left". (posted by my brother in-law Alan, fellow heart patient)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

I DO NOT give permission!

I DO NOT give my permission for doctors, hospitals and drug companies to exploit this disease and my fear for their their financial gain. And, quite frankly I do not have the resources for them to be that interested.

The Real Loss

Life entrenched in material comfort without purpose, can be misery.
Life surrounded with purpose is sweet and fulfilling, even when there are obstacles, questions and pain.

Some how, I was convinced to spend far too much of my life working toward a concept that society defined as successful.

I was convinced that my heart and soul’s purpose could not be enough to create a happy life. I always needed to be more, or better.

Please, believe me when I tell you that every moment of my life
that I was NOT pursuing my purpose
is the real loss that I grieve.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Turkey Birthdays

The wonderful opportunity to spend the day with all of my boys!
1 husband, 2 sons, 3 grandsons (and a partridge in a pear tree!) for Thanksgiving and Jason's and Oliver's birthday was a huge gift.
This was a most wonderful day and I am incredibly grateful!