life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Edges

And I cannot afford to lose my edge.
I do not have the time or energy
to chase after other people’s problems.
I do not have the time or energy 
to be what someone else expects me to be.
I do have all of the time and energy in the world to fill my heart with love and important things.
And yes…when it is all done…
I can only hope I was too big, too soft and way too edgy!


"Maybe There's a World"  Yusuf (Cat Stevens)

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

It is not worth having...


Too much life wasted, too much time spent trying to have other people like me, allowing myself to be controlled by their life stories their life rules.  I have no expectations.  I respect and honor their choices, but I no longer need their approval. I am just now learning how to love me and what I do.
   

"Try" Colbie Caillot

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

NOT my style....but...





I know...I know...NOT my style, but I just needed to go in the studio and play.  Then the the creative "voice" had something to say....and it needed words! "Take time out for your heart's desires....love, friends, music, art, family, words."


"Haven't Got Time for the Pain"  Carly Simon

Just took one of those sillyFB tests....

What color is your aura.....

After answering a series of random unrelated questions the test proclaims red is my aura and reports: 

A red aura is one high in energy, which shows that you may have some unresolved anger or fear. However, it also shows that you have a lot of strength and passion, which will help you resolve any conflicts. This passion can be in relation to romance as well, as a red aura signifies that love is an important factor in your life.

Wow and hmmmm?

Saturday, July 26, 2014

who & what they are meant to be....


They are few and far in between, but they have drifted gloriously in and out of my life and for that I have been amazingly blessed.  My lesson is to “let go” and let the relationships be who and what they are meant to be.


"Every Day" Dave Matthews Band

Such a glorious and noble bull shit quote....

He makes it sound like it is noble fight, that it will be like going into a righteous battle. Again bullshit! Normal day to day activities take 3 times more energy and effort. And now I am finding out, that small everyday medical and/or dental procedures are now going to take 3 times more time to recuperate from. All of this sucks….I want a full life with no physical limitations, not this half ass sick and hurting all of the time crap.
I am pissed off.  I am tired of fighting.
I should be fine by now….
I should be fine by now!!! Damn it!


"All the Right Moves"  One Republic

Friday, July 25, 2014

Donating…. For the RIGHT reasons!

I rarely donate now.
"They Always come in Threes"
Available at the Leesburg Center for the Arts
Wine Pairings Dinner Aug. 8th
 
I was constantly being asked for a piece of my work to charitable auctions. I was promised “You will get great exposure, this is your audience! “There will be an affluent audience with discretionary income that appreciate and buy art”. I would donate, then quietly sit back and pat myself on the back thinking I was a good person for giving to a worthy cause, I got a little niche marketing done and an added perk was the income tax deduct.

That is the fairy tale version of artists donating their work. The reality is often times your name as the contributing artist is not noted or publicized, the buyers are looking to get a great deal, not pay retail and the galleries that represented me were never happy about that, some of them even began including participating in charitable auctions as part of their exclusivity contracts. Finally it came as a shock when I learned that IRS tax codes only allowed me to deduct the cost of my materials to create the piece as a deduction, instead of the finished value of the art. It did not take me long to learn that donating my art did not benefit me.

AND THAT WAS THE PROBLEM! I was looking for how the donation would benefit me, not giving because it was a cause I believed in or had any passion for.

Now if you may see a piece of my work at a charitable auction I want you to understand that it is a cause I am absolutely passionate about!  That the donation is from my heart, I am not receiving any financial or marketing benefit.

I hope you will join with me in my passion for the cause, bid high and often knowing that the money raised is going to a cause I love and support dearly!

And I hope you get it for a great price!

"Something to Talk About" Bonnie Raitt

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Just Keep Breathing

One of those days…after several “nothing could go wrong” great time days, the "you will pay for this” days have arrived.  I feel like I have been held hostage, tip toeing around to maintain a happy balance. I start  making changes and the rebellions begin. Will I ever be good enough or strong enough?  I have got to learn how to love me. It is the one most important relationship I will ever have. There is so much that I am going to have to do alone in the future.  I have got to learn how to do this!  Love myself..
But Right now.....
I just have to keep breathing….


"Keep Breathing"  Ingrid Michaelson

Friday, July 18, 2014

Whew....Last Wednesday

Bucket List....Woo-Hoo!
Dave Matthews Concert...Tampa
with Terry, Jill and Darren!




"Ants Marching"

He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth bite to eat and he's rolling, Never changes a thing
The week ends the week begins, She thinks, we look at each other,
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing, These crimes between us grow deeper
Take these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die
Goes to visit his mommy, She feeds him well his concerns, He forgets them
And remembers being small. Playing under the table and dreaming
Take these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die
Driving in on this highway, All these cars and upon the sidewalk, People in every direction
No words exchanged
No time to exchange
And all the little ants are marching, Red and black antennas waving
They all do it the same, They all do it the same way
Candyman tempting the thoughts of a Sweet tooth tortured by the weight loss
Program cutting the corners Loose end, loose end, cut, cut
On the fence, could not to offend
Cut, cut, cut, cut
Take these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Strong Women

Now…let me clarify this….because quite frankly this sounds like a sanctimonious, holier than thou bitch!  But really it is not.  Strong women come in all different kinds.  What they do have in common is that they “stand and deal”.  Although I believe I have always been a strong woman, I was strong for all of the wrong reasons, I was strong because it has been what other people in my life expected of me.  I am not certain I ever did it because it was what I chose to do. 
The difference is now I choose.
I choose to be strong, I am not really good at it yet….I have a lot to learn but..
I am learning to love me.

"Stronger Woman"  Jewel

Monday, July 14, 2014

I believe....

" I Believe"   Christina Perry

I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my way
I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things that I am afraid to say
Hold on, hold on
I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling
I believe that you fell so you would land next to me
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty
I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay
Hold on, hold on
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning [x4]
(Hold on)
This is not the end of me, this is the beginning
(Hold on)

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Divine Paradox

I love what I have with all of my heart, but it is quite exhausting! I wonder…will I be ready for more tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is precisely the paradox and the kind of thinking that provides all of the energy I need for today. Just in case tomorrow sucks, I try to put everything I have into today. One of the biggest changes of thinking I have had to do, is realize that it does NOT GET ANY BETTER than it is today. I have been taught all of my life to plan ahead, set goals, strive to be better than I am today.
No one ever taught me how to be the best I could be for just today.
I am working on it!


"One Hand in My Pocket"  Alanis Morisette
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet...'cause I've got one hand in my pocket

Saturday, July 12, 2014

The Creative Process


Finally,  a visual of the creative process! I do not think any further explanation is really needed, however I do feel compelled to offer some, you knew I would!
Panic and the final approach to a deadline feel like they are correct, it is the “fucking off” period that I feel needs a little clarification.

It is the time that I KNOW I have a deadline, I NEED to be much further along and here I sit…

writing in this blog,
reading other peoples blogs and posts on FB,
cleaning the studio,
making a list of what I need to do,
organizing my underwear drawer,
checking out recipes, (please keep in mind that I am a really bad cook, this does not help, but I think it will!)
giving myself a manicure
and a host of equally unimportant but necessary activities that promote creativity.

Yep the largest and most critical part of the creative process is fucking off and I am so good at it!

   
"Someday"  Sugar Ray

Friday, July 11, 2014

and most of all be HAPPY!

And oh my....what an amazing story it will be.
Some will never believe it...
Others may shake thier heads, because they knew it all along
but in the end  
 I want you all to know, 
I am, happy!

Thursday, July 10, 2014

"Skivvie" Super Powers

One of my all time favorite authors, Danielle La Porte ("Fire Starter Sessions & The Desire Map") posted beauty tips in her blog today, which is highly unusual for a quasi-spiritual creative business guru, but perhaps it is her outsider thinking in all areas that keep me so caught up in her philosophy and writing.  http://www.daniellelaporte.com/beauty
She rattled off some of the typical things about, hair color, eyeliner, moisturizer, toner, drinking lots of water, etc., etc. etc. but then she stepped out and included a little blurb on "skivvies" finishing up the blog with this profound statement  "And when my bra and panties match, well, my super powers are extra-activated"!  
Giggling uncontrollably for the next 15 minutes until tears were rolling down my cheeks,  I realized she was absolutely right.  My best days in the studio do seem to arrive when my skivvie super powers are activated! Thank you Danielle for an afternoon of giggles and activating my creativity with some serious skivvie super powers!           
"Super Hero"  Ross Lynch

So....You want to be a writer....

I am NOT a writer....but oh my..... this one screamed at me!

My Language

And sometimes shapes and colors are my language, they speak louder than any words I could manage. When I say yes or no I hope you understand that it is not about you, but about me. I am for the first time in my life holding on to my heart. Fearlessly connecting my own life and emotion with passion and excitement. My intent is never to hurt or complicate another’s life but to honor my own heart.


"Dust to dust"  The Civil Wars

You're like a mirror, reflecting me  Takes one to know one, so take it from me
You've been lonely  You've been lonely, too long
We've been lonely  We've been lonely, too long

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Sacred

If there were really words that could in some way explain this journey….they would be here….I wish I could explain the battle I have with my own heart. The one thing that keeps me alive, the one thing that spiritually guides my emotions, is the thing that has turned on me. I am waging a medical, chemical war on my own heart. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent to test it, examine it, push it, medicate it and I forget to ask myself how do I feel about it. And when I finally do, it feels wrong. It is a spiritual fight between expectations and reality. I suspect it is a sacred war that has been going on since the beginning of time…there is nothing new here.


"Faith of the Heart"  Rod Stewart

Sunday, July 6, 2014

It's Hard...

I have such a hard time allowing people in, I have had several people tell me that I just do not let them in….. and I thought I did. But I have to admit perhaps I am just afraid for anyone to see my weak spots, afraid they might not like my darks. I have spent a lifetime not being allowed to be anything less than strong. Weakness and fear are not acknowledged or accepted in my family. I learned how to take care of me by not exposing myself. Every once in a while when my emotions reached an overwhelming place and did slip out, they were perceived as criticisms. My feelings were always unreasonable and irrational. I am not complaining, for the most part the walls I built around my emotions are what make me strong. When I look back at my art and my love of Caravaggio’s art works I am seeing that it is all of the darks that make the lights in the art and in my life sing.
Right now, so much of my strength is getting redirected towards a disease that I know in my heart I will not win…I am getting tired and questioning whether or not that struggling to be strong is only wasting my energy. I do not want to waste any more energy trying to convince me and everyone around me that I am strong. I want to spend my time, my energy, on my life, love and living.
  
"Blackbird"  The Beatles                

Saturday, July 5, 2014

What I want...laughing, living, loving!

You know what???? Marilyn is absolutely right! Another round of overwhelming depression. Is it really the a result of living with a chronic disease…as I have been told?  Out of desperation I looked up the meds, one of them listed severe depression as the #1 side effect. Now I understand why they keep asking me this at rehab, explaining that heart failure is a huge cause of depression and then depression will make heart failure worse. Well NO SHIT…when the meds you have me on also cause depression…..what chance do I have? This has got to stop, anything or even nothing has to be better than this! The meds have got to go, because at this point it is exactly what I want. I want to laugh, love, enjoy my life ….not this!


"All the Right Moves"  One Republic

The 4th



Well, if it were not for that 151 proof watermelon.....

It was a wonderful sparkly 4th of July!
Thanks!

 
"American Baby"  Dave Matthews

Friday, July 4, 2014

My life....my happiness...


and I have to remember that there is no one or no thing that can take this from me without my permission.
 No doctors 
No medications 
No friends 
No family 
No money 
No unfortunate situation 
that can take away my creativity,happiness and my ablity to love, play and enjoy my life!

"Strong"  One Direction

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Fail

There are some days I am so much better at failing than others!  Yesterday was one of those days that I let failing bite me in the butt! It was unexpected, not fun and just plain overwhelming!  I powered through it in front of others and then just melted down when there was no one around to see me.
It's a new day, I get to start all over again!


"Everyday"  Dave Matthews Band

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Simply Believing



Kind of simple and sappy….”just believe” but it is a great life tool!  But a tool I think so many have forgotten about or worse only allow themselves to attach the word to religious values. Does believing have to be so incredibly outrageous that all common sense must be suspended to believe.  Believing is a small internal act of choosing.  Choosing to go against what is typically accepted to be true.  It is indeed my choice!  I have done so many impossible things by simply believing that I can!


"I Believe"  Christina Perri

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

The Best Day of my Life...


The decision has always been mine, but making it has been a difficult one. I have wanted to claim it, but have been afraid.
Part of my upbringing firmly believed that a rule is a rule is a rule and you do NOT break rules. There is no forgiveness. What other people think IS important.
The other part of my upbringing believed in the rule up to the point that they wanted to break it. So if you could find enough reasons, blame someone else, or get a doctor’s note, well then, rules become optional.
Sorting out and finding my balance has been a struggle. My life as my journey, my gift that I and I alone am responsible is a wonderful description of the balance I have been looking for. My children are grown, the people I love will come to know that I alone am responsible for the quality of my life.  The choices  I make are getting eaisier but I am still wrestling with it.  I am creating an amazing journey!


"Shaking the Tree" Peter Gabriel


No wonder!

and now it is perfectly understandable why I am so addicted to the music! Woo-hoo!