life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure. I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Tuesday, June 26, 2018

C'mon Karma!

I do not think you need a rocket scientist to understand this veiled threat.  And probably calling it a veiled threat may actually and officially remove the veil…so… it is just a plain threat now.  But if you are going to post anything political on FB you have to be just a bit sneaky to slip past the “trump trolls”, fortunately, it is not hard to do.  But if they suspect they will feel the need to defend, they will wig out and will aggressively pursue anyone they think maybe be the least bit negative about this horrible President, his morals or lack thereof and his ability to lead anything…much less a country!  Over the weekend and yesterday,
there were a handful of instances where people and politicians were beginning to cave to their anger and push back.  There was a part of me that was more than delighted cheering them on from my chair in front of the TV, but then I realized if we stoop to his level, we are no better than him and will probably loose.  After all, he has so much more practice at being a bully, lying, name-calling, reneging on promises and pretty much doing whatever he wants to make himself feel bigger and better than everyone else.  We have to trust in the legal system and Bob Mueller, and trust that narcissists believe they cannot be caught and therefore screw up…and there is Karma.. C’mon Karma!
"Karma Chameleon" Culture Club

Sunday, June 24, 2018

Is it distorted synchronicity?

In my heart, I am hoping that what we are experiencing in this country has some “larger than I can understand” meaning.  I keep thinking that perhaps we had to get to this destructive and vulgar point as a country before we the people were motivated to do something about it. I worry there are many more historical instances of this kind of political decline falling into complete and utter depravity before sinking into total decay, never returning the country or government to the same or better circumstances for its people. Is this some kind of distorted synchronicity giving us a sincere warning before things get so bad we cannot turn it around?
"Change the World"  Eric Clapton

Thursday, June 21, 2018

Just do the right thing!

But if that is not enough, here is a direct quote.  This is not an attempt to be “holier than thou”, but simply an observation.  After the last few weeks and the immigration issue of separating innocent children from their families, Christians that have supported and upheld the recent Trump policies and appointments have been incredibly silent. This latest “policy and somewhat reversal” has clear and unquestionable instruction for Christians to follow. A well known biblical quote direct from Christ, and still, it was ignored.  I was shocked when Christians did not come out in mass chastising his payment to a porn star and others.  I stood back observing the churches reactions while they watched him lie, and berate and blame others for his misdeeds and still nothing. They continued to excuse and support.  Every now and again I hear a little rumble of discomfort with his behavior…but never more than that.  I do not understand Christians or Republicans and am proud to now call myself neither (and I used to be both)….I am just a human…trying my best to do the right thing based on love.  I think this is what we need more of. Stop hiding behind labels and just do the right thing!
"Breaking Silence"  Janis Ian

Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Trump's Toilet

WE are all being dragged down.  His blatant misogyny, his recent cruel immigration policies, his manifest greed, his chronic disrespect of allies, his embracing cruel dictators and his outrageous narcissistic behavior, in my opinion, are seriously compromising everything this country holds dear.  Today is the first time I have seen him cave to public opinion and only because even the Republicans could not stomach the cruelty he wrought on these immigrant children.  It was the final moral outrage!  He was willing to trade the lives of children for a political advantage to push through funding for a frickin’ wall.   I can only hope this is the crack in the Republican Party and its constituents that make all of us finally see how dangerous this man truly is.  He is like the sick arsonist that lights the fire then shows up after the fire department has arrived to watch the destruction.  This has to stop!  If you have not written your senators or congressperson….do so now,  we cannot be dragged into the Trump Toilet by his narcissistic antics and our complacency.
"Got to do Better"  Eric Bibb

Sunday, June 17, 2018

In My Father's Eyes....

Happy Fathers day to all of the marvelous men in my life!   
"In My Father's Eyes"  Eric Clapton

Saturday, June 16, 2018

If you are going to throw out a bible to quote....

You may think I am bashing the bible…and maybe I am….what I would like to point out is that is that you (Mr. Sessions and Ms. Huckabee) do not get to march out the bible any and every time you think you need to rally the Republican base to get behind your policies.  And by the way…where are all of the Christian believer’s outrages?  Why do they sit silently in the face of this Draconian tyranny against women, children, and families seeking political asylum?

Matthew 25:40   ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’  If you are going to throw out a bible to quote or march one out to rally around…why not this one?  The bible is full of conflicting ideas that could possibly support any idea. The slave owners of the 1800s were able to find enough biblical evidence to support their rights to own people.  How can anyone throw the bible out as an excuse for indecent, destructive and cruel behavior?  What it all boils down to is we…all of us are paying through our tax dollars to fund this atrocity through our elected officials and the actual border patrol employees carrying it out….in the end, WE are all responsible for this!  We will all be remembered throughout history for this insane cruelty!
"We Got to do Better"  Eric Bibb

Friday, June 15, 2018

Is this the strategy, to shut up those that still have a conscience?

The age of intelligent political discourse sadly seems to be over.  So many times I have wanted to speak up, share my opinions, but the “Trump Trolls” and the “Religious Right” scare the hooey out of me.  I do not understand how they defend a man that pays off porn stars, separates families in need, tries to cut off health care for people with pre-existing conditions, defends current gun laws that continue to be the source of innocents dying, embraces a dictator that kills and starves his adversaries, calls his opponents childish names and then call it biblical?  And when I ask that question, the answer always comes in berating and belittling me and my question.  When I speak my mind on a public site, there will be no less than 15 people that never say a word to me at any other time, feel the need to comment by to shaming me in public for having my own opinion.  So I find myself not saying anything, which in some way makes me feel like they have won.  Is this the strategy, to shut up those that still have a conscience?
"Say Too Much"  Dave Matthews

Thursday, June 14, 2018


Oh, sister…I have a million of them!  If I had one spectacular claim to fame it would have to be the monumental amount of really stupid mistakes I have made.  Some I have been able to tactfully sugar coat, others were just too blooming big to even try to cover up.  Although I have to admit regardless of what I have done, who I have offended, or how badly I have behaved my “go to” is an instant creative cover up or in the worst case scenario just out and out deny.  That might be the way to go if I were good at it, but I am really bad at the spur of the moment eloquent fibs and clever cover-ups,  and what’s more, I know I am bad at…but still in the panic of the moment…. I think I can pull it off!  And get caught every single time… So in an effort to save what little dignity I have left… from here on out instead of wasting any of my creativity on poorly constructed denials and cover-ups…I am just gonna’ say….yep that was me…I did it….OOOOOPS!
Awe....F_(#   IT!

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

and the biggest is...expectations block miracles

Sometimes we all have got to do ugly things!  But I think that ugly sometimes is nothing more than an imagined expectation!  And here we go again…it is all about expectations!  Per my medical care/social worker…it was time…to finalize these ugly plans. Not that I am going anywhere anytime soon, but just to have this done while I am in full control….Apparently, they recognize what a control freak I am!  I expected that making my own “final” arrangements was going to be a tear-jerking sorrowful event…actually… it turned out to be rather interesting…not scary at all!  This part of the planning process has always been…an after the fact chore…when there is grief clouding the logical thought process.  Turns out I had several people, things, art and artists in common with the owner and he was just easy going down to earth….not doom and gloom.  It was an experience, not as bad as I thought it would be. And the most important thing is I am so very relieved that it is over!  
I am adding a new line to this quote…"and the biggest is... expectations block miracles!"
"No Sugar-New Mother Nature"  Guess Who

Monday, June 11, 2018

Who knew it was so hard on the "HULK"

and….just about the time I am doing the happy dance …finally kicking the ugly respiratory, lungs full of crud and fluid….they cut back my steroids to the normal dose. ….taking away my “HULK” and the dance comes to an end!!!  With the extra steroids, I feel great, I can take on the world, and kick-butt at the same time. This is the second time (well I do take them all of the time now) that I needed extra help and they doubled the dose for a week…aka THE HULK DOSAGE.  I have taken the “HULK” dose and then had to come off of them before….The first time was unexpectedly noticeable and I was not a happy camper but it was not horrible. This time it was pure-D - Holy Crap horrible.   Saturday I was just out in la-la land somewhere, yesterday I woke up with my eyes swollen shut and an upset stomach and just plain shakey…it is Monday and so far everything is open and working….Hope I am done with that!  Phew!  Who knew “David Bannon” had it so rough!
"Strong"  One Direction

Saturday, June 9, 2018

so...just do it!

Standing here, in this place I can honestly say that the most spectacular life-affirming things I have done have been done through fear,  all-consuming, what the hell was I thinking, wet my pants FEAR.  As uncomfortable and painful as it may seem, it is the one thing I have to go through time and time and time again to have a good life.  Without fail, every worthwhile thing I have ever done has begun with paralyzing fear.  First gallery exhibition,  first outdoor art festival, the first class I taught, first Artist Way Weekend retreat, and several other medical earth shaking fear filled events.  I have learned that each time the fear arrives….and it always does… I need to look back and remember that without this fear, there will be no growth or joy…and that is what life is about!  It does not make the fear any less horrifying, but I realize that this fear is just a part of it! So just do it!
"Shine One"  Eric Bibb

Friday, June 8, 2018

Take all your chances while you can!

It's a video..and it will take a bit to load...but it is worth it!

I loved this video, it has shown up on my FB page a few times over the past year...Now I can see it whenever I want to or I just need to be reminded that my work has value.  That turning pain into something beautiful is a rare and wonderful gift.

Thursday, June 7, 2018

Replacing "I'm sorry's" with "Thank You's"

Clearly, I have not yet mastered this skill.  But it is kind of a new one.  I understand exactly what is being said, I just never thought how easy this could be.  I go to the “I’m sorry’s” first and every single time!  I have even had people ask…Why are you sorry?  The answer is always….I don’t know…I think I am being empathetic with someone I care about …but now I suspect it is a lifetime of I am not good enough, I must have caused or contributed to your pain...but I did not mean to hurt you...slipping out any time someone is suffering…and I just keep apologizing for it.  But replacing sorry’s with thank you’s…I think I can do that!

"Fumbling Towards Ecstacy" Sarah McLachlan

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

I am smiling!

Finally…finally…finally…I am beating this! But I will tell you…I think the secret has less to do with my body or the antibiotics finally overcoming the bacteria but the steroids doing whatever it is they do that bring me back to life.  If I were going to be addicted to anything….they would be it!  I do not care how or why it works...I am just thrilled that they do.  It truly makes a difference in my life and energy and oh how I am smiling this morning!
"All Right Now"  Free

Sunday, June 3, 2018

We have hawks!

Last year, before hurricane Irma, I watched a pair of hawks build a nest in the top of a neighbors tree.  It was fun to watch them work so furiously!  I never saw any chicks so I had no idea what stage the new hawk family was in when the storm hit. When it was all over the nest had literally disappeared.  In the past few weeks, I have noticed hawks, maybe 2 of them, but I have not seen them at the same time.  It/they have really stuck close to the house.  I do not know if they are perhaps the babies that may have survived the storm or the parents returned to try again…But boy oh boy….we have hawks!

The hawk spirit animal indicates that you have the tendency to use your vision and intuition. The hawk symbolism is rich and varied, and it encourages you to see situations from a different and higher perspective.
The hawk symbolism is about focus, and it signals the time to remove the distractions from your life. You may be too busy making a living that you have no time to experience and enjoy the little things that make you feel alive. It carries with it the symbolism that comes with taking flight and reaching the skies.

The hawk meaning is for you to pause and take a breather, because you never know when it’s going to be the last breath you’ll take. While you can, spend as much time with your loved ones doing the things that you love!
"Turn, Turn, Turn"  The Byrds

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Not just endure.....CELEBRATE!

She knows…she knows!  I know!  I know what it feels like to by the middle of the day flopping into a chair not thinking this rotten body cannot do one more thing….but at some point, things change and at the end of the day I endured.  So I do not trust what I think I cannot do.  I stay open to, not just endure but to celebrate all of the great stuff in my life!  And it is a wonderful thing!
"Galileo"  Indigo Girls