life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, March 30, 2014

It’s Just a Ride....

Did I reach too far?  Have I pushed passed my own boundaries?  Have I been so long outside my own comfort zone that I have forgotten what comfortable was?
Most of the time I think I can do this, then there are days that I wear myself out trying to prove to myself that I can.
But....I thought it was so much more…..
Is it real or just a ride?


"Just a Ride"   Jem
"Life, it's ever so strange, It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out. Then BANG Right out of the blue, Something happens to you To throw you off course, And then you
Breakdown, Yeah you breakdown Well don't you breakdown, Listen to me
Because…
It's just a ride, it's just a ride, No need to run, no need to hide. It'll take you round and round, Sometimes you're up, Sometimes you're down, It's just a ride, it's just a ride. Don't be scared, 

Don't hide your eyes, It may feel so real inside, But don't forget it's just a ride"

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Putting a little love in my heart!

Am learning that no one can do that for me,
Although I will confess, that I always felt like that was how it should be and my worth would be determined by what others think, how much they love me, or how much they pay me.
I am learning how to put love in my own heart, for me.  When you never learned how, it is hard, not as easy as I thought it should be.
A crown, a magic wand and dancing when no one is looking helps…..It helps a lot!

"Put a Little Love in Your Heart"  Jackie DeShannon
Take a good look around and if you're lookin' downPut a little love in your heart
I hope when you decide kindness will be your guide......Put a little love in your heart.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Respect the magic!

Yes I am capable of creating realistic (kind of) “nice” art but right now….I am
spending hours in the studio making ridiculous things! Some think I am mad! 
Celebrating life, celebrating love, creating because I am happy, I have something to say….not because it needs to sell! I have been given so many gifts, I want to use every  single one of them up!
Dancing goofy around the house when no one is looking. Breaking out in uncontrollable giggles for no reason. Dreaming of accomplishing the impossible!
....because I can!
Who says magic is not real?

"Respect"   Aretha Frankin

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Art Ya-Ya Queen

Claiming my super power and channeling magic through me, around me and in me. There has been such a pile of synchronicity that keeps stacking up around me about magic wands and crowns, I just could not ignore it any more. The final blow was watching the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and the magnificent crowns they made and wore. I could not stand it for another minute and began twisting wire and old broken costume jewelry!  Popped it on my head and the magic flowed.  Feeling like I am the Art Ya-Ya Queen of my own heart!
Look out the magic wand is in the works!  Ya-Ya!

"Do You Believe in Magic?"  The Loving Spoonful

In it with all of my heart...

"All That We Let In" 2013

I do not pretend to know all of the answers, all I know is how to explore and ask the questions.  Maybe it
has never been about having all of the right answers. Is it possible that it is simply seeking answers that makes life valuable? 

What if there were no mysteries, how then would we explain love? How different would we see life, How different would we experience death? I will keep asking questions?

I am certain I will never have all the "right" answers, but what feels right for me will have to be "right" enough for those that love me.

“I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include.”
Joanne Harris, Chocolat

"All That We Let In"  Indigo Girls

What If I Don't Believe?

This guy has a terrific answer....
It is interesting, different and somehow resonates with my heart.  It makes more sense to me than any religion. No stories of super human feats, no magic tricks, no destructive gods and rules to defend and go to war over.  No imaginary signs around my neck, Christian, Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. or rules and regulations that feel unnatural or destructive to me. 
I have the responsibility to recognize and honor the the unique and divine in each person (or not).


Monday, March 24, 2014

Slave of the Ordinary

It is so much easier to be a slave of the ordinary.
If you think following the rules are difficult, WHEW, you ought to try following your heart in a world that says they honor being different but then go to great lengths to keep us in line.
When you begin to recognize and follow your purpose the world becomes polarized.
It does not mean I do not see the people that shake their heads at me, that laugh at me or think I deserved what I got.
I see and it does hurt.
But, it no longer hurts enough for me to want to change and do it their way!
It does make it much easier for me to see the clear difference between “my ways” and the slaves of the ordinary.
I will pick my way every time!
I have so much more to learn!


"I Won't Give Up"    Jason Mraz

Sunday, March 23, 2014

You can't get too much love!

"Is Anybody Looking?" 2013

“Thinking about what I want….think about what I’ve got
and all of the things that will heal or hurt me”
…Which is which?
…Is it good, is it bad?
...Is anybody looking?
...Does it matter if they do?
Want to keep living and loving as hard as I can.
Not missing a minute of this life.
You just cannot get too much
singing, dancing, giggling, living, loving!
You can't get too much life!
"You can't get too much love!
The time is right for loving say, come on come on!"

"Belly-Belly Nice"     Dave Matthews Band

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Making plans for 60!


How did this happen?  
How did I get to be this age? 
When I really do not feel this age?  
But it certainly deserves some serious attention and celebration !!
and to that end.....
We are making big plans for 60!
Stay tuned

"Birthday"   The Beatles

Come on and take a free ride....

Creativity emerging from BLOCKS.... CJEvans 2013
I know when I choose to participate in negativity, 
I am deliberately choosing
to block my own creativity.
I will not allow that.
Nobody's winning at this kind of game
We've got to do better it's time to begin
You know all the answers must come from within
So...Come on and take a free ride


"Free Ride"    Edgar Winter

Friday, March 21, 2014

Putting away my Shit Kicking Boots....

Yes.....they are shit kicking boots, because I would like nothing more than to kick the shit out of a jerk, a pompous, ignorant, sanctimonious, self-appointed, negative, deaf, blabbermouth.
And this is why I am really mad….I allowed him to engage me in his holier-than-thou rants. I allowed him to suck me into his negativity....Shame on me, Shame on me!
Putting away my shit kicking boots.
You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin'
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found a brand new box of matches yeah
and what I know you ain't HAD time to learn.
                                               "These Boots are Made for Walking"  Nancy Sinatra

She's Not Afraid

Maybe it is the warm weather, maybe it is a few creative "irons in the fire" maybe it is a new group of Artist's Way....but I am having a wonderful shot of "She is not afraid"!

Trying to figure out how to bottle this "She is not afraid" for the yukky days!

I am smiling, dancing, creating, giggling....everything is good!
Nope...taking that back...It is AMAZING!
"Addicted to the feeling of LETTING GO!"


" She's Not Afraid"   One Direction

Thursday, March 20, 2014

I am happy!

Here’s to NOT following the rules.
Here’s to courage (there is never enough) but happy that I have what I have.
Here’s to life, and pushing past all of the crappy expectations and obligations! I am happy!

"Happy"   Pharrell Williams

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Just Let Go and See Where it Lands....


"There are avenues and supplements
and books stacked on the shelf
Labyrinths of recovery in search of my best self
But most of what will happen now is way out of my hands
So just let it go and see where it lands"


" I Believe in Love"  Indigo Girls

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Believe in me...


I never knew I was allowed to believe in me.
I just knew there were parts of me that were screaming to be heard.
It took years and years to develop the courage and self-worth that I have now, and even that is compromised.
But still to this day…I find myself
seeking out the trust, the touch of one that sees me as valuable.
Does anyone ever get to the point in their lives that they believe in themselves enough to not need others approval?
Shouldn't I have figured this out a long time ago?

 
"Ironic"    Alanis Moriessette

Monday, March 17, 2014

It needs to begin in the place where it started.

I get that I am a little left of center…I grew up trying so hard to be middle of the road, and I was such a miserable failure! Recently I have been irrevocably drawn back into Leesburg, I thought it was because of my art and creativity, and although that may be part of it, I suspect the important part is the Universe has sucked me back into the single one place that harbors more pain, violence and shame that I thought could possibly be endured. So much pain that I ran from there, not once but twice. It is time for me to face those demons. Were they real or a young woman’s bad dreams? I have some healing to do, and it needs to begin in the place where it started.
My weirdness will make me stronger. 
 My dark side will keep me whole. 
 My vulnerability will connect me to the rest of the world 
and my creativity will set me free. 
 There is nothing wrong!
"Blackbird"  The Beatles

Having a Ya-Ya moment!

These are the headdresses of the queens that have gone before us. They come from Indian holy ground... the jungles of the ancients... prairies of the Norwegians... and the forests of the mighty Amazons. The royal crowns of our people.  We are the flames of the fires, the whirling of the winds. We are the waters of the rains and the rivers and the oceans. We are the rocks and the stones.  
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

I really do need to have one of these. 
No, actually I need several of them!  It would go so well with my magic wand!
"Follow Me"   Uncle Kracker

Sunday, March 16, 2014

My Obeah Women....Answering the Universe


I have been doing a lot of talking but falling short on listening.  I am learning to hush, and let the Universe ask, direct, and guide.  No more picking and choosing based on what I perceive to be the “right” thing, but now make an effort to answer every opportunity.

I trust that the Universe will present me and my work with the opportunities that are not just focused on financial gain, but will fill me life with the lessons that I need and want to learn.  I believe my creativity is going to take me to the most spectacular places that most people would never even consider. 


"Obeah Woman"    Nina Simone

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Hopping on "Another Train"

Leesburg Center for the Arts...ready for class #1
After 17 years of facilitating this class, you would think I would get over this paralyzing fear of first class.  I DO NOT.  Every class is different, every group establishes their own personality and I have no idea how I am going to fit in.  The one thing that keeps me coming back and back and back is that every single time, without fail, I learn something significant.  I always begin as the teacher and I always end up being the one that learns! 
Yes... I am scared and nervous but the anticipation about what I will be learning next is worth it!
"Another Train"  The Poozies

Monday, March 10, 2014

Sometimes the day after is worth it!

Sometimes the price you pay is worth it! Leesburg's Emerging Artist program was a wonderful experience, I had a great time, the girls sold incredibly well for their "first time" working the streets. Both of them terrific artists and wonderful women.And...the wine bar....well that kind of says it all! Sometimes the day after is worth it! Thank you to all of these amazing women for a GRRRRReat weekend!
"Bottle of Wine"  The Fireballs

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

My heart is full!

Although my gypsy spirit is sill longing, my heart is unable to keep up the grueling pace of the outdoor art festival....
BUT.... I am so grateful to be a part of the Leesburg Art Center's Emerging Artist Program, as I mentor and launch 2 new creatives in their new art careers at the Leesburg Outdoor Art Festival this weekend.
Please send them, Debi & Belina your very creative thoughts as they begin this exciting new part of their lives!
My heart is full!   Booom shaka-laka!
"I Want to Take you Higher"  Ike & Tina Turner

Monday, March 3, 2014

Brutal honesty….Healing…Moving forward…

And none of it comes easy!
Brutal honesty is making me open my eyes to the realities of my life. Some of them I glossed over, convinced myself it did not matter, filed them away, and called them done, thinking it was just that easy to choose to handle life. The ugly memories can be tucked away, but they will continue to poke through my life until I get them out, explore them and resolve the circumstances that created them.

Healing is the process of me being honest with me. Accepting the part I played in creating my own pain. It is the hardest part of this process. It is so much easier to point a finger and blame, but the reality is I participated, whether willingly or not, none of it could have happened without my permission.

I am NOW giving myself the gift of permission to heal, to live, to love and not feel guilty for wanting these things.

I have no idea what moving forward is going to look like, but I know it needs to begin now. In the past I have tried to hold my life still, just maintaining what I have. I have tried stepping back into my old life, convincing myself I was moving forward by picking up where I left off. Neither worked, the last choice is simply being honest with myself and moving forward.

Healing me, healing my heart is going to take brutal honesty, forgiveness, and sheer determination…I can only hope it will be worth it!
"Be Honest"  Jason Mraz

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Exploring me…

This is my first self-portrait, done in a workshop by Derek Gores whose style is unmistakable. Seems like all artists at one time or another are compelled to do a self-portrait, and I never have until recently. There seemed to be a need that welled up in me to explore me. Not so much how I looked, but more about how I feel. The age, the wrinkles and thousands of words are all there, but what I wanted to see, what I want you to see is the determination in my eyes. Determined to live the most full amazing life that is possible with the time I have. The first time I recognized that determined spark was in a photo taken by my friend and phenomenal photographer as well as a creative in her own right, Dale Fox, five months after my heart attack. I had cut all of my long red hair so I could take care of it myself, and still somewhat embarrassed I was wearing a red bandana. The day before I had been identified by the one of the top high-risk thoracic surgeons as a bad surgical risk and rejected as a surgical candidate. I had nowhere to turn. And although I can see the profound sadness in my face, I can also see the determination in my eyes. My eyes will always tell the truth, I am determined, and that is what I wanted you to see. What I am looking for is my passion, connection, excitement and fearlessness!

"If"  Bread
looking back now...is ther some divine reason that I end up in Leesburg 
to create my first self portrait?