life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Monday, June 20, 2011

Things That Scare Me

All of my creative life I have limited myself to 2 dimensions it was just easier for me. Last year in the company of some wonderful friends in the AW lunch & learn group, I was cajoled into trying concrete sculpture. YIKES! First time ever working in 3 dimensions, and so very different! Three dimensions came up again, accidentally when fooling around with clay when some very interesting scary emotions erupted through my fingers. It was surprising! I have played around some more and more and more, and now this 3rd dimension is turning into real play!

I am learning to play with the things that scare me.
and....the less sense life makes the less sense my art makes, hmmmmm?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Doctors are Whipper-Snappers!

"Doctors are whippersnappers in ironed white coats
Who spy up your rectums and look down your throats
And press you and poke you with sterilized tools
And stab at solutions that pacify fools.
I used to revere them and do what they said
Till I learned what they learned on
was already dead.”

Gilda Radner

How great it was to find someone else feel the same way about doctors! I am not alone! Atta girl Gilda!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Shoot First! Then Draw the Target.

I obviously learned this lesson a little late, but not too late!
And here is the other big lesson learned, the targets I had always “shot” for in the past were not even MY targets.
Who knew I got to draw my own target?
Caution!
The shooting has begun...
the target drawing is still underway!

Friday, June 10, 2011

At Any Given Moment






I am overwhelmed at how difficult this thought has been to communicate to the medical industry. I appreciate all of thier efforts, but not to the exclusion of my wishes.

Art & Healing

Each of us has deep within us an inner artist and an inner healer.

The inner artist is the part of me that is passionately creative, that feels love, that feels connected to everything around me, that can see, that knows who I am, that I am at home, and at peace. My inner artist can go anywhere in the inner world. No place is closed to me.

The inner healer is the part of me that balances my body perfectly. It re-sets my heart beat when it gets out of sync. It keeps my blood flowing. It takes away my pain and shows me where to find joy. Art frees the healer within.

Art frees my spirit so my mind and body are in harmony. Art helps me conquer this disease by freeing my inner healer to work at its optimum.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Resurrection Fern


I am the proud owner of a fiesty clump of resurrection fern. I did not buy it or do anything to encourage it but here it is strategically situated in the maple tree just outside my window.

The UF web site describes this peculiar little fern as an air plant that attaches itself to other plant for nutrients. “The resurrection fern gets its name because it can survive long periods of drought by curling up and appearing dead. When just a little water is present, the fern will uncurl and reopen, appearing to resurrect. This tiny plant has even been taken on a space shuttle mission to watch it resurrect itself in space!”

I sat this afternoon after a welcome rainstorm and actually watched my little clump of brown curled fronds open up and change colors. It was AMAZING!

Gonna find me some of that water!