life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Friday, September 28, 2012

Time

You can always tell when school has started; my time is stretched to its limit. Creating art and writing are the first activities to take a hit! And I am feeling it! 

Time is inexplicable, there is always too much or too little.  

My one-woman exhibit came down today, and it was bitter sweet. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it has been and as it turns out it has been magnificently lucrative, too. I was pushed physically and creatively and although I got very close to my breaking point, I did not! I rushed so to get the art finished and framed , I dashed back and forth to Leesburg to the events, but looking back I wish I had taken more time to just stand back, look at what I had accomplished and truly enjoy it.  



Time to figure out what I need to do next.  But this time I want to pay more attention to the "doing" and less concern about the time!

Monday, September 17, 2012

Gifts

Some gifts come in boxes covered in pretty paper and tied in ribbon. They are fun and easily recognized but the gifts that life delivers are not always so easy to identify. Sometimes gifts are life lessons that come packaged in fear, heartache and hurt. But they are gifts nonetheless. I have to wade through the grief, before these situations reveal their rewards and point out what is important, where my power is, how to be strong, what to let go of, what to hang on to and how to move through difficult situations with strength and grace.

I am beginning to recognize all of the gifts and lessons I am receiving and I am learning to accept what comes next with dignity, strength and grace. I still have a long, long way to go.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Bitch… Moan… Whine…


Monday has lapped right on into Tuesday!   Not that Tuesday was anything special.  Tuesday’s only real claim to fame is that it is not Monday. 
The “logic” class I am taking is anything but logical.  After struggling for days with the beginning semantics I find that a big part of my problem is that in logic “valid” does NOT mean true, or factual or any other word I thought all of my life it meant.  Perhaps it does mean those things in regular life but NOT in logic.  Is that logical?

City advisory board meeting tonight, nuff said!
Heart Failure Clinic appointment at the butt crack of dawn in the morning....and again, could we please call this office something-anything else?  Hate the place, hate going, intensely dislike everything about it.  It is always an embarrassing, humiliating, frustrating, horrible experience.  YIKES!   Hate-Hate-Hate it. 

I know I should be grateful for all of my wonderful gifts, and I want to,  but sometimes I just need to be gross, ugly, outrageously offensive and just let it rip!  Bitch....Moan...Whine.....

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Wonky and a Cheeseburger



I really needed this reminder today! 

Been dragging my ass because things have changed and I am not able to live up to the expectations I have for what a normal should be or look like. 
Sometimes I get so caught up in the appearance of normal and perfection that I cannot see at all. 

There are some days that I am physically exhausted for no reason, and most times that can be fixed with a short rest,  but the worst days are the ones I am emotionally exhausted,
there is nothing that can fix that,

except a little wonky
and a cheeseburger!

Monday, September 3, 2012

As it Turns Out





As it turns out….What they say I can do, and what I am actually able to do are wonderfully different!  I do not exactly understand where the energy comes from but I gladly receive every ounce of it and have learned to squeeze the most out of every moment.  This has truly been one of the best summers of my life, and I am so very very grateful!