Even if my voice shakes...

I know the people reading this blog, are most likely sick and tired of hearing me “whine”…sorry…but from the very beginning writing has been about getting  unreasonable, negative emotions out me while making room for new positive ones to arrive and grow.  It has indeed become a necessary part of my healing and survival.

One of the things that has surprised me and perhaps been the most difficult has been grief and loss.  Not because I am the only one to experience it, but because there was no good set of “emotional” tools on how to deal with it.  It seems as a society we just do not want to deal with it or talk about it.  We seem to find it easy to share with each other the “normal”, acceptable, traditional feelings of grief, and the basic time period that it should take to mourn, but most difficult to find anyone that is willing to fess up to the strange and unusual ones.  The feelings and actions that we “closet” away so no one will suspect that we are not normal and healthy.

"Say"  John Mayer

Sometimes I just need to shut up and listen!

Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light
Give me life
Keep me free from birth
Give me hope
Help me cope, with this heavy load
Trying to, touch and reach you with
Heart and soul
Om m m m m m m m m m m m m m
M m m my lord . . .
Please take hold of my hand, that
I might understand you
Won't you please
Oh won't you
Give me love
Give me love
Give me peace on earth
Give me light

Give me life

Keep me free from birth

Give me hope

Help me cope, with this heavy load

Trying to, touch and reach you with

Heart and soul

Om m m m m m m m m m m m m m

M m m my lord . . .

Please take hold of my hand, that

I might understand you

"Give Me Love, Give me Peace" George Harrison

Breathe!!!

“Life can be, and even likely will be, beautiful again. But that is a life built alongside loss, informed by beauty and grace as much as by devastation, not one that seeks to erase it. If we talk about recovery from loss as a process of integration, of living alongside grief instead of overcoming it, then we can begin to talk bout what might help you survive.”  ~Megan Devine

…and even begin to laugh…Yesterday I went out to eat…at night...at a table with strangers (Kobe’ one of those Japanese places where they cook at the table…and the food is so good with my birthday sister and her amazing husband) at the same table and I had a good time. Yes, there were a few times I wanted to shrink away and disappear, it was uncomfortable at times, I sat on the end, so if I needed to make a quick escape I could. But when those uncomfortable times really began to “pinch”… (and the Ativan seemed to be wearing off) I just focused on my breaths as I was taught.  Normal inhales…extended exhales, it just took a few to keep myself from slipping over the edge into panic. I had a great dinner with awesome company, but a more fun visit when I got back to the safety of my own little house.

"Keep Breathing" Ingrid Michaelson

Small steps...

“Feeling like you need to hold something close is perfectly normal in grief. In previous posts in this series we've talked about different things people often choose to keep that belonged to or somehow connect them with their person. The brutal, intimate truth here is that what you really want to hold is no longer here. So, whatever you can hold - whether it actually belonged to them or not - you hold it as close, and often, and as long as you need to.”  ~Megan Devine

Still working on “de-cluttering” and finally surrendering to the fact that it is impossible to make a single decent cup of coffee in a 12-cup coffee maker. I threw in the towel and bought myself a one cup coffee maker. It works great, coffee tastes better, but still not as good as the coffee Skip made every morning the past few years.  It came time to get rid of or donate the old coffee maker, which I am not sure is even “donatable” it is so old, paint peeling on the heating plate, letters rubbed off after years of cleaning, and it has a small leak in the water reservoir. I make the decision to just pitch it, and absolutely unexpectedly broke down emotionally.  That coffee pot was a part of our morning routine and here I am throwing it away.  Tears, guilt, and grief came out of nowhere and took me out. I did eventually work through the melt-down and put the coffee maker in the garbage can.  Not because I wanted to, but because I could feel him telling me how silly I was being and laughing at me for being so attached to a coffee pot, reminding me to move forward....small steps.

"Wish You Were Here" Avril Lavigne

Time will always have it's way.

“It is neither good nor bad. It’s just what is. Quite simply, no matter how much I hate it, he died, and I did not. I can’t place a qualifier on the way time has changed me.

Time will always have its way.

If you’re in that place where you feel instantly nauseous even thinking about a life without this pain that is evidence of love, please don’t worry. If you’re somewhere past those days, but life has not yet begun to move forward with you, please don’t worry. Life will unfold, and with it, your heart will find its own rhythm. It can’t be forced, and it also can’t be stopped.”

~Megan Devine

And the question I ask every day is “How much time?”  It does not appear to be the linear healing that I know and understand.  One day I am functioning (somewhat normally) and the next I am a physical and emotional lump of human flesh.  Yes, I know I have some of my own physical issues, but I always handled them emotionally so much better than I do now.  The thought of allowing my own broken heart to find its own rhythm seems so impossible at times. I am learning how to trust me.

"Stay (Wasting Time)"  Dave Matthews Band

normal ???

"No matter what happens next in your life, it will never be adequate compensation. The life you lost can't come back. That loss can't be regained.

"Recovery" in grief is not about moving on or filling the void created by your loss. Recovery is about listening to your wounds. Recovery is being honest about the state of your own devastation. It's about cultivating patience, not the kind that implies waiting it out until you return to normal, but patience in knowing that grief and loss will carve their way through you, changing you. Making their own kind of beauty, in their own ways." ~ Megan Devine

“Recovery” in my life has always been about pushing through, no pain-no gain, take the anti-biotics-stay in bed-it will pass, have the surgery-endure the expense/pain and you will recover, it will all be normal again. Even with the slow degrading of life with heart failure, I have learned to overcome and adjust to the “new normal” but in sudden traumatic loss the reality of there will not be any kind of normal has been a difficult concept to grab on to.  I find that my worst days, loss, anger, frustration, the feeling of failure are centered around my inability to get back to “normal”. Learning how to incorporate grief into my life, accept the loss and appreciate all that we had and I now have proven to be the most  Normal as I knew it will never be again. I am learning how to cope with that.

difficult thing I have ever had to do.

"Awaken Me"

The size of my world...

“How can any of us who have lived intense grief, who know far too well that the unusual and unlikely do in fact happen, all the time – how do we live here? How do we keep showing up?

It’s not a question with an answer. It’s an edge even I don’t like to walk. But it’s there, it’s constant. The knowledge that every beautiful thing can disappear, and yet we make beauty anyway.

The knowledge that when we choose to love, we choose to face death and grief and loss, again and again and again, just as much as we choose the friendlier parts of love.

It’s all there, present and contained, in everything.

How do we do it? How do we continue to live here, in this fragile, resilient existence, knowing what we know? How do we keep exploring, growing, connecting, knowing that indeed, yes: it could happen again?

For me, these days, this means moving slowly, with intention and gentleness for myself. It means being honest about my fears while not letting those fears shove me into a tiny, unsatisfied life.”

 ~Megan Devine

I personally have decreased the size of my world, keeping it small and manageable on a daily basis. I do not have to have it figured out, right now.   The fact that accepting love again from anyone means that I have to be able of open myself to this kind of loss again.  Love and loss are a part of life.  I do not know if or when I will have the strength to open up my heart to the size it used to be.  But I am working on it!

"A World Wiithout Love"  Peter & Gordon

This should not come as a surprise

I wonder sometimes what we mean when we say "healing."  In this culture, we tend to think of healing as being as good as new, fixed, it's no longer bothering you. You've gone back to normal. 

Everything is OK.

No.  ~Megan Devine

It means I am learning to integrate my grief into my life.  I am learning people that love me and really want to help just do not really understand that what they say is like stabbing me over and over again.  The worst thing I have been told, many many times, but always with love and to help me accept the death, was that Skip would have never been able to cope with life after I died  I know that was meant to be comforting but what I heard is that I was responsible for his death because I am terminal, that if I was not sick he would not have died.  My head knows that is not what they meant, but it is was my heart heard.  

Grief does not go away, I will never heal but I will learn how to integrate the pain into my life. I will learn that I will not fit in a culture that avoids grief, wants me to heal, be fixed, get through it, be normal again.  I never really fit into linear thinking anyway, so this should not come as a surprise.

"You Have Lived"  Don McLean

Like Yesterday

It was my first Valentine’s Day in 45 years alone, it was the first time in several years he was not with me for Nude Nite (at least for one of the nights).  As much as I loved being around all of the artworks, laughed and was tickled that my work sold, there was a what felt like a selfish feeling in my heart that he should be here with me.  I had marvelous friends and family that drove me to and from each of the 3 nights and I am truly grateful, but it wasn’t him. I am learning how to be alone, but I do not think I will ever stop feeling the heartache of him not being here especially on these special days. So many days I feel like I am healing, and then there days it feels like yesterday.

"I Just Don't Think I will Ever Get Over You" Colin Hay

Nude Nite "two-fer"

"Take These Broken Wings"                                                           Reaching Higher"                   

Nude Nite 2020 and both of them sold!  I have only had one other Nude Nite “two-fer” and it is so very exciting.  I learned I have a small 3” but there may be some rotten wood involved too, hole in my roof and the Universe just provided the money to fix it without digging into my savings.  Following my heart and my passion combined with a little pushing past what “I” think I am capable of is always met with some kind of approval from the Universe.  Valentine's day was another “first” without Skip here.  Although difficult, I was so blessed to be surrounded by friends, family, art, and chocolates.  I am learning the emotional tools to move forward with my life and they seem to be working for me!

Monday morning, his candle is burning and we are celebrating our life together rather than reliving past trauma.

"Blackbird"  The Beatles

Those simple things are sometimes the most difficult!

I am still learning, and clearly, I still screw up regularly. This was a great visual and I need a reminder every now and again.  Again, this is the first time I have only had me to take care of, it is a new skill set!  But what I have done is reach out to professionals that are giving me the emotional “tools” to grieve when I need to, take small steps towards recovering, do not feel guilty and choose situations that bring joy into my life.  It seems simple.  But those simple things are sometimes the most difficult!

"Fire & Rain" James Taylor

Damn it!

I have been so proud of myself, cleaning out closets, cupboards, nooks,  I may be the one person to have a personal working relationship with the charity truck driver!  And then today happened!

and crannies of all sorts and MY STUDIO…it still needs some work!

I cannot find my drill or my hot glue gun anywhere!  I started last night digging through all of the obvious places but went to bed feeling surely a fresh rested set of eyes in the morning and I would find them immediately! Did not happen…tore up the studio again looking everywhere and nothing!  Where ever they are, I bet they are together and at this moment the possibility of them accidentally getting into the charity truck pile is becoming more and more the obvious…damn it!

"In my Blood" Shawn Mendes

"NO" is a full sentence.

It is Monday again, and I lit a candle in honor of you and our love, and it gives you a physical presence and less of the horror of the memory of that morning but a real manifestation of the love and light we had. And for the first time ever, in addition to the trauma of that day, I realized how much strength and grace it took to navigate that morning, to do what needed to be done even though it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced.  

I am learning how much strength I do have.  I am also learning that I no longer need to spend my limited resources and emotional strength to struggle through negative situations I cannot change.  I do understand that I need to acknowledge the pain and honor the love.  But I am realizing that when difficult situations arise again, I can say no and with a fraction of the effort I can avoid the overwhelming pain that I know will come. I am at the point in my life that I have loved dearly and long but I also know it can change in a moment.  Forgiving myself is difficult, but once it begins it opens my heart and begins to relieve small parts of the pain. Letting go and forgetting is the hardest part of the pain, but perhaps the most important one. Learning how to say no and refusing to get caught up in the repetitive historical emotional negative loops that I have no control over is new but it is so necessary for me to live the rest of my life in love and peace. I am saying what I need to say and sometimes "NO" (with love)  is a full sentence. 

"Brave"  Sarah Bareilles

Trusting Inspiration

Pieces and parts, ideas percolating but nothing specific has arrived, yet!  Sculpture really is a new medium for me…Abstract sculpture is taking even a step further.  When I began my career in art I began with my love of abstract, but it did not sell…not at all.  If I wanted to continue, I had to generate an income so I reached back into realism, but with my own twist. It worked, it sold and, sold well. Skip & I spent years on the outdoor art show circuit. We had a blast and made money; it is was all I had hoped for.

Now I find myself reaching back into my first attraction, but this time in 3 dimensions.  Just going to keep working trusting the inspiration will come!

"t's Amazing" Jem

Perhaps some of this guilt is just I am not that tame....

I am eternally grateful to all that have offered their love, sympathy, advice, and concern. But, I have felt like there must be something horribly wrong with me that this incredible outpouring of love and support did not help me get through the grief.  The guilt and the emotional self-flagellation began when I could not feel better, I thought love could fix anything….everything!

It now occurs to me, that I have never been the regular one.  I have done in life all that was expected of me, but it felt like it was more of a struggle for me than most.  My life stretched out, reveled in the creative, admired the different, and celebrated all that succeeded beyond normal.  I do truly appreciate all of the love I have received, but perhaps some of this guilt is just I am not that tame!

"Unwritten" Natasha Beddingfield

I am still here!

Yep! I am still here and in my own small way, celebrating my own tenacity... I am going to do it again!  Nude Nite 2020! The exhibition opens Thur. Feb 13^th! Tickets on line!

"I'm Still Standing"  Elton John

Omnist!

This came across my Facebook page from a friend and I immediately related to it! It was like suddenly; it is not just me and there is a word for it!! I was raised Christian (more specifically Episcopalian) but it really was more about “showing up” and being seen.  I never really got the spiritual relationship to Jesus or God although I did love the ritual!  Coming from a small town, my exposure to different people and religion was nil!  As I grew up I was exposed to more and more nationalities, religions, and races. I got to know them as people and loved so many of their wonderfully different histories and beliefs.  And for the most part, those religions were full of the same kind of magical laden fantastically unrealistic stories, but the root of the stories was forgiveness, taking care of one another, and sharing they all had love at the center! In a time where we all point fingers and find the worst to blame in other religions (including me), I prefer that none of them become political beings with the intent of making everyone feel and believe what they do or chastise others for being different. It feels like the bond of love should to be bigger than our differences.

"What's the Buzz" Jesus Christ Superstar Cast

Have I told you lately...

Another month passes, and my heart still aches for you.  I am still learning how to exist without you in my life and it is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  I miss you more than I have words to explain but your bell over my bed still rings and I know that in some unexplainable way that you are still here with me. I love you!

"Have I Told You Lately that I Love You"  Van Morrison
Grief is already a lonely experience. It can feel like you lost the entire world right along with the person who died. We all need a place where we can tell the truth about how hard this is. We all need a place where we can share what's really going on, without feeling corrected or talked out of anything.

It is not just me!

I have ranted about being agnostic occasionally, I dislike all organized religion intensely, I do not know what happens after we die (and am certain no one else knows for sure either) …HOWEVER…I have never raised an objection to Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and others. They are not the institutions we see now.  In their beginnings, they all spoke of love, forgiveness, honor, sharing, and people followed them for that reason.  Then people with other intentions watched how these holy men gathered people’s loyalty and gluttonous men took their messages called it religion and screwed them into insatiable financial and political greed.

So, when this came across my Facebook Page, I was so encouraged, it is not just me!

"When Angels Cry"  Janis Ian

Forgiveness....

"Do not turn your anger in on yourself. This is what you are doing when you think you aren’t doing this right, that you’re the one messing up your continued connection, that you should be better at this. Notice you’re angry. Call it that. Name it for what it is, don’t turn it on yourself. The answer to constriction and anger is to name it, not beat on yourself.

Anger, allowed expression, is simply energy. It's a response. Allowed expression, it becomes a fierce, protective love--for yourself, for the one you've lost, and in some cases, gives you the energy to face what is yours to face. Shown respect and given room, anger tells a story of love and connection and longing for what is lost. There is nothing wrong with that.

All of this is to say that your anger surrounding your loss is welcome. It's healthy. It's not something to rush through so you can be more "evolved" or acceptable to the people around you. Find ways to give your sense of injustice and anger a voice. When you can say you're angry, without someone trying to clean it up or rush you through it, it doesn't have to twist back on itself."

~Megan Devine

I have found that cleaning out closets, cupboards, under beds is allowing some of this anger to feed back into some positive movement.  There is an additional frustration when this body refuses to work like I need it to.  It feels so wrong and then I am guilty of being angry with him, so I appreciate so much that Megan Devine can explain that it is not just me, this as a way to tell my story of love and connection for what I have lost.  And yes, there were times Skip & I were angry with each other, but we still loved each other. I have to learn how to forgive him for dying and leaving me and forgive myself for being angry that I am alone and having those overwhelming feelings of selfish guilt.

"Forgiveness" Matthew West

Mondays...blech!

I was told that time will heal the pain.  They were wrong…every Monday morning I am overcome again and again with horror, disbelief, shock and unbearable memories in the ER.  Monday is an arrow that pierces my heart and my life every week.

"Monday, Monday"  Mamas and Papas

Resonates with me...

In case you have been wondering...this is the person (Megan Devine) that has been so helpful in helping me with my own grief...She is not just a psychotherapist but also a sister widow of an unexpected and sudden death.  She seems to understand and have the ability to articulate this kind of loss in a way that resonates with me...more than anyone or anything else has.

'Get back to life.
Have you heard that phrase from people outside of your grief? Even people who truly love and care about you might be pushing you to get back out in to the world, live your life. They may even tell you you have so much to live for.

The thing is, the people who often say these things actually do have a life to go back to. They may be deeply impacted by the death of the one you love, but if their family is intact, if there is no gaping hole in their daily life, they just aren’t going to be affected the same way you are.

I don’t necessarily mean that you had to live with the person you’ve lost in order to be the most impacted by their death. Not at all.

What I mean is that, for many of us, the people we’ve lost were such an integral part of every single day, every single facet of our lives, there really is no “normal life” without them.

There is no part of our universe, our daily lived existence, that they didn’t touch.

There truly is no life to “get back to.”

Eventually, perhaps, new things will begin to grow around the crater that has erupted in the center of your life. The hole itself will remain. I don’t mean that as a downer, either. I mean that a central loss, a loss that shifts the axis of the universe, is not something that simply shrinks over time.

Getting back to life can't always happen inside grief. Instead, we can come to ourselves, to each other, with kindness and respect for what cannot be resumed.

We – you, me, all of us – will not return to the life that was. That’s simply not possible. What we can do is bow to the damaged parts, the holes blown in our lives. We can wonder what parts of ourselves survived the blast. We can come to ourselves, and our irrevocably changed worlds, with kindness and respect.'

~Megan Devine

Just a different way to look at it!

Just a thought!  Recent changes in my life have made me think a lot about religion.  It has been a long time since I have practiced or believed in traditional religion, while still holding on to the theory that there is something bigger and grander than any of us are truly capable of understanding.  When I see things like this, I am reassured that it is ok that I do not understand and it does not make me a better or a worse person.  Perhaps, just more open-minded about the possibilities.

"Imagine"  John Lennon