tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19672320247927292462024-03-05T13:01:19.283-05:00Life, Love, Art, Heart Failure and Assorted RamblingsCheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.comBlogger2244125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-31653660829379455952023-11-17T13:26:00.000-05:002023-11-17T13:26:05.893-05:00<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjR1n6eHl2vI-qPK4GIg83LUX5MVF7EKiDrnl7eyFP6UcnjyGpDcMuDRP8RhZAqNbpGLFenHVUxz2Tt60y33j9ghswWpnyk9dQqlzf5I2kZs0GHFRT9WkfWEKRoZYlHFrNAljfDuVcNhkia_BYevqbsWCwAiL9buQ5B_AwU22CT0Hj6dF7_Ag8k0elNHcmf" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="655" data-original-width="534" height="334" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjR1n6eHl2vI-qPK4GIg83LUX5MVF7EKiDrnl7eyFP6UcnjyGpDcMuDRP8RhZAqNbpGLFenHVUxz2Tt60y33j9ghswWpnyk9dQqlzf5I2kZs0GHFRT9WkfWEKRoZYlHFrNAljfDuVcNhkia_BYevqbsWCwAiL9buQ5B_AwU22CT0Hj6dF7_Ag8k0elNHcmf=w321-h334" width="321" /></a></div><br />There are times we all see people who are rude and it is just a hair short of being full-blown bullies and...this is an assisted living space for seniors! Not everyone is perfect and this more than anything describes some of the residents who never appreciate all that is being done for them. Some should really quit being so intolerant of others and take a good hard look at themselves! <div><br /></div><div><a href="https://od.lk/s/Ml81NzEyMDkyNF8/Chain%20of%20Fools.mp3">"Chain of Fools" Aretha Franklin</a><br /><div><br /></div></div>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-64165152779163068592023-11-09T12:54:00.006-05:002023-11-17T13:13:16.774-05:00This was NOT where I would have ever fought to stay<blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: left;"> </p></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p style="text-align: left;"><br /></p></blockquote><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhKMUngkGoEy8j3jhOGyIJgDwLe6Wc3QPHBjlOtsnsRK2aXti8Eb2o9ADogQH1NVoq4guE40NDWIKCddGxoUShNE2bjrvOvnzo7X2FZWUrsEET1pOe3q2pIrcAChEY3OsztdMMT6GCGb665zi2v0NxZD_FV245aYdxC48sTl47x3_8AXH24hcAs6nvmYyIp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="564" data-original-width="564" height="384" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhKMUngkGoEy8j3jhOGyIJgDwLe6Wc3QPHBjlOtsnsRK2aXti8Eb2o9ADogQH1NVoq4guE40NDWIKCddGxoUShNE2bjrvOvnzo7X2FZWUrsEET1pOe3q2pIrcAChEY3OsztdMMT6GCGb665zi2v0NxZD_FV245aYdxC48sTl47x3_8AXH24hcAs6nvmYyIp=w563-h384" width="563" /></a></div><p></p></blockquote><p>First of all, I need to make it perfectly clear...THIS IS NOT where I have ever wanted to be. I have spent 7 months in a medical memory care unit (parts of my brain did not get enough O2 and my whole brain went on strike, shutting down pieces and parts that are rather necessary for a somewhat normal life. I never fought to stay in that place, I fought to get out. Unfortunately with limitted capacity this was more difficult than I could have ever imagined. But, I did continue listening to my soul when my brain failed me so comepletely and thank goodness it continued to sing "it is time for me to move on". As my brain began to heal with more O2 and meds it was easier for me to realize I could not trust my brain but I could still hear my soul. It was time to gather up my lessons and let my heart and soul begin to take me where I belong.</p><p>I am now living in an assisted living facility in my own apartment with access to the medical attention I need but the freedom to live a life with some long missed freedoms! I know now that this is where I belong, It is time for me to walk back into the creative parts of my life. Those are the parts that define who I am!</p><p><a href="https://www.opendrive.com/file/Ml80NjE5MjMzMV80aFFyZQ">"I Think I See the Light" Yosuff / Cat Stevens</a></p><p><br /></p><div><br /></div>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-65555402807359390112023-11-08T15:01:00.002-05:002023-11-08T15:02:12.895-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIfyy6rH_AR1sy05gE8IQq54d5ppcUjzu8Lg9ZfaZZBwSixfcuUYjAQcX8uhx6StpMqcZOLRIUJumKJICtfbFJJl_dJq3kQLI61yWKPaGP-FTK2AiTMdWXJhlzqnK8rP3RuErE8rdP7DvZyFEBOs8S70i6LOK0tgINKcs_jdAXQ4WVzOahG-7qwjGydfbB/s345/581714_10151525863397318_620991078_n.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="343" data-original-width="345" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIfyy6rH_AR1sy05gE8IQq54d5ppcUjzu8Lg9ZfaZZBwSixfcuUYjAQcX8uhx6StpMqcZOLRIUJumKJICtfbFJJl_dJq3kQLI61yWKPaGP-FTK2AiTMdWXJhlzqnK8rP3RuErE8rdP7DvZyFEBOs8S70i6LOK0tgINKcs_jdAXQ4WVzOahG-7qwjGydfbB/s320/581714_10151525863397318_620991078_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div></div><p>This is a difficult admission. I still have no idea what I am made of and I cannot even tell you that at the height of my brokenness, I had no idea I was anything less than fine. It was the rest of the world that was upside down. It was my family that was able to recognize the brokenness. That must have been difficult because my normal is a bit left of center. It must have been "holy crap" broken for them to realize it.</p><p>Broken but now life is being glued back together. It will not be the same as before. I hope it is better.</p><p>"Breaking Silence" Janis Ian</p><p><a href="https://od.lk/f/Ml83Mzc4OTg2NF8">https://od.lk/f/Ml83Mzc4OTg2NF8</a></p><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-37386977737623073592021-11-22T06:58:00.000-05:002021-11-22T06:58:33.420-05:00My Silence Means....<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr9icrYK8LYF2R9vQsldCvocd_SnVfm-CYtFZujkr7fgrBqIb7Sh0WI9JgarDXJ5y8P9w7GSEbazwIFuVw8XS1hYLqFK7LqzaMBpHgMe4QUzZ9hlZRhiL_NolxAm5_z3smafzT6YStGKoP/s861/257806764_1317261802123668_5076519401053446692_n+%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="861" data-original-width="579" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr9icrYK8LYF2R9vQsldCvocd_SnVfm-CYtFZujkr7fgrBqIb7Sh0WI9JgarDXJ5y8P9w7GSEbazwIFuVw8XS1hYLqFK7LqzaMBpHgMe4QUzZ9hlZRhiL_NolxAm5_z3smafzT6YStGKoP/w269-h400/257806764_1317261802123668_5076519401053446692_n+%25283%2529.jpg" width="269" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>Sometimes others can express it so much better than I do, so I should just let them</p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-41166592512179658402021-11-01T14:21:00.000-04:002021-11-01T14:21:56.068-04:00Promises and Whack-a-Mole<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQL4aoxiSKinvwKmJOFwLgyFGlHRS6ciB8rVgH-yfg220hvXKXj4RTk06xpFnxPPWb4zHCfmlpcac4VU4t6QkhVwKcTwSYo3KFlqqIUyf05uLM_aTOgAJkjLjRCLllz6NDwXk5h_ZfFFR5/s476/whack+a+mole.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="476" data-original-width="397" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQL4aoxiSKinvwKmJOFwLgyFGlHRS6ciB8rVgH-yfg220hvXKXj4RTk06xpFnxPPWb4zHCfmlpcac4VU4t6QkhVwKcTwSYo3KFlqqIUyf05uLM_aTOgAJkjLjRCLllz6NDwXk5h_ZfFFR5/s320/whack+a+mole.png" width="267" /></a></div><br /><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial;">Well, I guess I should address the obvious…I break my own
promises to myself, and then for good measure I beat myself up emotionally when
I fail. It is what I do best. So, no more promises to me or anyone
else. Just one day at a time. Promises somehow indicate things that will
happen in the future and the future is not my favorite subject. That is about all have to say about that…for
now<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial;">In the meantime, I have been playing whack-a-mole with
doctors. It seems that the simple one day in and out eye procedure
cannot be that. It will require a full
work up from a cardiologist and admission into a real stay overnight hospital...twice! And my regular doc, who by the way I like a
lot, thinks this is not a really good idea, and feels any surgery at this point
is a bad idea since I flunked the EKG. Flunking
EKGs is not big deal for me but for doctors and lawyers I suspect it is the
kiss of death. This kind of medical back
and forth wears me out emotionally, and I have not been in the best of shape, physically
or emotionally. <o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial;">There you go, my best excuse for breaking my promise to me.</span><o:p></o:p></p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-40629208630657676492021-09-23T18:57:00.001-04:002021-09-23T18:57:30.242-04:00"Hal" vs "Alexa"<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRZI3P_-5B1SUHwIRETj3yHBfIOxfzwY05-pY9Sf5wpqd5jIZq824Sbfsx4A0myX9b3hMpd44Lp7g-6vrgvhQPk9DQLtydtdg-z0O5JIt6Q_qkborEYvCCeZRTk7q8I5Jo1gzgGdcvhqAu/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="351" data-original-width="624" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRZI3P_-5B1SUHwIRETj3yHBfIOxfzwY05-pY9Sf5wpqd5jIZq824Sbfsx4A0myX9b3hMpd44Lp7g-6vrgvhQPk9DQLtydtdg-z0O5JIt6Q_qkborEYvCCeZRTk7q8I5Jo1gzgGdcvhqAu/w414-h233/image.png" width="414" /></a></div><p></p><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">One of the things I need to do for myself is to admit to my own
weaknesses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to quit pretending I
am not sick….PS… I hate being sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
have spent the best part of the last few years trying to prove to me, my family, and anyone else in my sphere that I am fine.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am tough, strong, invincible and that list of adjectives goes on and on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think it worked! <o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Recently things around the house are changing, they are my
daily physical reminders that it is not true anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the first was the installation of
several Amazon Echos around the house so I could call for help from any where
in the house, plus I am “hooked” up to my son’s system so he can check my door
cameras.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I want to turn on a light,
fan, radio station, charge the thermostat setting or just about any other
question I have, I can say “Alexa” and she answers and makes it happens!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal">Since day one of the first Echo install, I am mentally whisked
back to Miami and the premier of 2001 A Space Odyssey…it was a big deal, we
even dressed up to go to the Coral Gables Theater opening of the movie. I only
remember 2 things about that movie…the obelisk at the end and “Hal”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought “Hal” was amazing almost as cool as
Dick Tracy’s watch, telephone, and video screen. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have a watch that does some of those things and
a cell phone that does a ba-zillion more things than my first 25 lb. computer. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, the verbal commands should not be that big
of a deal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But they are! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am still giggly when my house (or a spaceship)
answer and perform tasks I simply ask for is here in real life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not a day goes by that when I call for Alexa
that for a split second I am mentally transported back to Miami and a group of Jr.
High School friends, that movie, and of course “Hal”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It reminds me of such happy times! <o:p></o:p></p><br /><p></p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-69602402341431642222021-09-21T14:00:00.001-04:002021-09-21T14:00:27.222-04:00Hacking<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdEEH8yfIhlkh8NCI0a_Y00kg7rOS5QZYCMPcbkKIPG1XDKisg0gypxqOAU2aNzocLpG9L1IrrJnblPJJRWzmtXU7cisXv01V_Z9MKxxgx-_rWkGekkOA2FfY_vZptUg_W6NsSwSroIjGH/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="697" data-original-width="584" height="673" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdEEH8yfIhlkh8NCI0a_Y00kg7rOS5QZYCMPcbkKIPG1XDKisg0gypxqOAU2aNzocLpG9L1IrrJnblPJJRWzmtXU7cisXv01V_Z9MKxxgx-_rWkGekkOA2FfY_vZptUg_W6NsSwSroIjGH/w564-h673/image.png" width="564" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial;"> I am not saying all of these work, but
some do, not all work all of the time. Some days I just throw my hands up and say to
hell with it and crawl back into my bed and binge TV. And I am way too embarrassed to tell you what
I watch. I guess what I wanted to put
out into the world today is that I am trying…not always successful, but trying…</span><o:p></o:p></p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-72225400388340463612021-09-20T09:34:00.001-04:002021-09-20T09:35:05.942-04:00Broken Promise # 32-B<p> </p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBt8Cw6O2-s-brg597fCvBLBwOK_ru28hjoOPTEXppiMNAKAdACNatXScd5GzoL4pUMUlVT3rLxeAdp5_Tg9oR3rud2mNld-t0RfiKLirY0Mo7pG8z60XwdvRVmaQITdfNIU-QSZvcr2hP/s468/monter+glasses.jpg" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="468" data-original-width="450" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBt8Cw6O2-s-brg597fCvBLBwOK_ru28hjoOPTEXppiMNAKAdACNatXScd5GzoL4pUMUlVT3rLxeAdp5_Tg9oR3rud2mNld-t0RfiKLirY0Mo7pG8z60XwdvRVmaQITdfNIU-QSZvcr2hP/w183-h190/monter+glasses.jpg" width="183" /></a></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif">So…
3 Days into my promise to myself, I blew it!
Missed yesterday’s “Morning Pages” altogether. There were several times I was aware that I
needed to do them, and then consciously decided not to…so I cannot even claim
that I just forgot. For reasons that I do not understand myself I just chose
not to write.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif">I have been
overtly aware of the dates, with more Doc Appts coming up. I know everyone is
aware of the fact that I love being in my little house, it is my safe comfortable
place and I have no intention of leaving until the mortician wheels me
out. Of course, I have been modifying
small things around the house, but the one thing that never occurred to me that
would significantly impact my plans would be losing my vision. And yep, that is what is happening. Lack of blood flow, steroids, and age are all reasons
for the damage in the lens in the back of my eyes. The good news is that they can remove the old
damaged biological lenses and replace them with manufactured ones that the
current situations cannot affect. With
the other health issues I have, there have been extra precautions going into
this very simple and often performed procedure, so there seem to be no
physical reasons I cannot have it, now we are working on everyone’s official thumbs
up.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<span face="Arial, sans-serif">And yes I am I
little scared, but I am more afraid of not being able to live alone in my own
home !</span><span face=""Arial",sans-serif">n my little house, it is my safe comfortable
place and I have no intention of leaving until the mortician wheels me
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span face=""Arial",sans-serif">And yes I am I
little scared, but I am more afraid of not being able to live alone in my own
home!<o:p></o:p></span></p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-87073365526521765782021-09-18T10:23:00.001-04:002021-09-18T10:30:14.057-04:00Is There A rehab Clinic for This?<p><span><span class="TextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; color: red; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">WARNING!!!!</span></span></span></p><p><span><span class="TextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; color: red; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">Whining ahead...</span></span></span></p><p><span style="color: white;"><span class="TextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">It is Saturday morning and I have nothing </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">spectacular</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> or new to write about, but writing I have promised myself so writing it is...I guess one of the things most </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">people</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> do not understand is how heart failure works. I surely did </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">not</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> and I have it! The doctors are vague (which is </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">shorthand</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> for they don’t either) The overall description I got is after a while the body’s organs and muscles are starved </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">of</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> blood flow and begin to break down. Apparently, there is no specific order that defines which will fail first or worst. And there is another interesting phenomenon, the heart slows the organs react and </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">often times</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> the body “recalibrates” and learns how to do with less. That often stops the </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">original</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> aches and pains but leaves me even more tired as my body directs its energy toward simple functioning, anything extra becomes increasingly exhausting. The most difficult and painful management lately is called </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">ischemic</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> bowel </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">syndrome</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">. In </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">laymen's</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> terms, my </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">intestinal</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> tract both upper and lower are no longer functioning like they should. It has taken months and pain meds to manage this one. Most people worry about getting </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">addicted</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> to pain meds</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">....I</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> am certain I am now addicted to fiber and </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">laxatives</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> just to stay pain-free. I do not think there is a </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">rehab clinic</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW211931491 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> for this.</span></span><span class="EOP SCXW211931491 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA29cNmZf7hruz3uESGK-C0wNHi1rhlBben6D3BeBcaU2fpVn3oaW3IaFVDibXVN3jWkiyARNSBl5rmfYwhQijlo07O44mKnFdFIhyZKQ6kiObhywyVChd4MzZfsBFh4wv2Eor3VnZjri-/s225/intestines.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="225" data-original-width="225" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA29cNmZf7hruz3uESGK-C0wNHi1rhlBben6D3BeBcaU2fpVn3oaW3IaFVDibXVN3jWkiyARNSBl5rmfYwhQijlo07O44mKnFdFIhyZKQ6kiObhywyVChd4MzZfsBFh4wv2Eor3VnZjri-/w146-h146/intestines.jpg" width="146" /></a></div><p></p><div class="OutlineElement Ltr BCX0 SCXW211931491" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: white; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; font-family: "Segoe UI", "Segoe UI Web", Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW211931491 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{5512a85a-25f2-484b-b22d-accebeada702}{94}" paraid="1133974522" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: transparent; color: windowtext; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /><br /></div><p></p></div>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-8855734973043974612021-09-17T11:40:00.003-04:002021-09-17T11:43:29.258-04:00I promised...<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizssHpAwSMqylp0rJYBBHzxDFyIq0H8Ii7iXawrFaJn25yH-YGWtXnumArvxIDLkL-SvWFbLX75wik9MqL3cduKhLAyew6Y9GHp4Mc9eupSMu3pB8C43W7Pe4Yio4RagioIbGk4nB7Vef4/s4000/IMG_20210917_072811560_HDR.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4000" data-original-width="3000" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizssHpAwSMqylp0rJYBBHzxDFyIq0H8Ii7iXawrFaJn25yH-YGWtXnumArvxIDLkL-SvWFbLX75wik9MqL3cduKhLAyew6Y9GHp4Mc9eupSMu3pB8C43W7Pe4Yio4RagioIbGk4nB7Vef4/w181-h241/IMG_20210917_072811560_HDR.jpg" width="181" /></a></div><br /><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"> <span class="TextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">I promised myself </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">to keep</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> writing, and I know this is probably dumb and </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">boring</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> but I need to step back into it. Perhaps dumb and boring is the beginning.</span></span><span class="EOP SCXW261237385 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span><p></p><div class="OutlineElement Ltr BCX0 SCXW261237385" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; font-family: "Segoe UI", "Segoe UI Web", Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW261237385 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{3615de60-29fd-4bf7-be6f-ef23b69b763f}{89}" paraid="1326024031" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span class="TextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">Part of this journey is my iron will to stay in my home and die here </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">in</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> my own home. I know that must sound so morbid to most people, but this is my safe comfortable place. It is </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">really important</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> to me. That has meant some minor changes to the house. Which I have learned the hard way was build way before there was an ADA compliance code for residences! Occupational therapy people came in, showed me what need to be changed, and taught me tricks of how to take care of myself. Physical therapy came in to teach me how to maintain (</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">as long as</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> possible) my balance and ability to move around safely, without </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">falling down</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">. Who would have thought someone would need to teach me that!!</span></span><span class="EOP SCXW261237385 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p><p class="Paragraph SCXW261237385 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{3615de60-29fd-4bf7-be6f-ef23b69b763f}{89}" paraid="1326024031" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="EOP SCXW261237385 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; background-color: black; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></span></p></div><div class="OutlineElement Ltr BCX0 SCXW261237385" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; font-family: "Segoe UI", "Segoe UI Web", Arial, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW261237385 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{b820c973-84b3-4ac7-95f8-e56bab9ad6aa}{218}" paraid="907384751" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span class="TextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">One of the big changes was the glass shower doors that Skip installed me ages ago </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">need</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> to come out, they presented the most dangerous </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">possibility</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> of me really getting hurt. So here is the new shower curtain that I sewed on and potty modification. Not excited about either, but </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">secure</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW261237385 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> in the help and safety they both provide.</span></span><span class="EOP SCXW261237385 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p></div>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-78387161175174891332021-09-16T11:47:00.002-04:002021-09-16T11:55:51.011-04:00Everything Changes<p><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial;"> <span class="TextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" color="windowtext" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">I had given up </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">writing</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">, although I tried not to, it just </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">happened, I</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> have no </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">explanation.</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> It just did not feel good, I found making stuff up because I thought that people expected of me. To be entertaining, stoic, strong, focused and the list goes on. Dealing with a </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">huge</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> loss where I lost half of my life, navigating my own health challenges, and then we have the </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">ever-present</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> covid. What if anything </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">did</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> I have uplifting to contribute to the world? I stopped. </span></span><span class="EOP SCXW173098992 BCX0" color="windowtext" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p><div class="OutlineElement Ltr BCX0 SCXW173098992" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; clear: both; cursor: text; direction: ltr; font-size: 12px; margin: 0px; overflow: visible; padding: 0px; position: relative; user-select: text;"><p class="Paragraph SCXW173098992 BCX0" lang="EN-US" paraeid="{93db6c18-a5d8-4d7c-8d55-55bbdf098a70}{49}" paraid="134226049" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-kerning: none; margin: 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; padding: 0px; user-select: text; vertical-align: baseline;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: arial;"><span class="TextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" data-contrast="auto" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" lang="EN-US" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; font-variant-ligatures: none; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;" xml:lang="EN-US"><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">Now perhaps I need to start addressing the issues out loud, from a perspective I do not </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">understand</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">. Tip going back to the emotion tools from </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">Artists</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> way, I need to look at my writing, not as a </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">way</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> to inform, entertain, share feelings and perhaps give up mild hints about how I am dealing with w chronic terminal disease. Luke Julia said, it </span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;">broadcasts</span><span class="NormalTextRun SCXW173098992 BCX0" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> to the universe what I want, what I want to let go of, and to identify what I want, what is possible and a way to cast the negativity out of my life. I know things are changing, so will the blog.</span></span><span class="EOP SCXW173098992 BCX0" data-ccp-props="{"201341983":0,"335559739":160,"335559740":259}" face="Calibri, Calibri_EmbeddedFont, Calibri_MSFontService, sans-serif" style="-webkit-tap-highlight-color: transparent; -webkit-user-drag: none; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 19.425px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; user-select: text;"> </span></span></p></div>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-51196123065773159722021-03-10T16:39:00.000-05:002021-03-10T16:39:13.638-05:00I am here....<p> I am here....I am here....I am here....It has been a long time and I have learned so much about me and about the world. I am going to get back on track....crossing my fingers!</p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-7813458584078132252020-11-19T09:37:00.000-05:002020-11-19T09:37:14.986-05:00or...maybe it is just me.<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4S4kMb3V14zq84l4vvOlMbd_js3MFij9pvI_dFC9ElJJh-I2noUcCrfVnMpaMXl8s9xZlUsqgsgJrGwMSzNp40RQzKKDYQwMqyz27B9VnKPH5XbCtxyHYpY_eOO-erb5zOj9WDGesYRv1/s483/lonely.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="379" data-original-width="483" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4S4kMb3V14zq84l4vvOlMbd_js3MFij9pvI_dFC9ElJJh-I2noUcCrfVnMpaMXl8s9xZlUsqgsgJrGwMSzNp40RQzKKDYQwMqyz27B9VnKPH5XbCtxyHYpY_eOO-erb5zOj9WDGesYRv1/s320/lonely.jpg" width="320" /></a></div> Yes, I know…I have been silent recently, just happened, no
particular plan. There have been “things”
going on with my heart that have required attention and sometimes that just
takes over my life. In the activities to
normalize my heart function it was necessary to have someone with me all of the
time and I am indeed grateful for my sisters and friends that are more than
willing to do that for me, but I have also realized that even in the company of
loved ones I am lonely….and lonely is not something that has ever really bothered
me, in fact alone in the studio is wonderful.
It has been a strange week as I try to figure out why. The Jung quote has kind of given me a start,
not the part of holding certain inadmissible views, as an artist that is kind
of part of the job. I think it is
communicating things that seem to be important.
As this disease becomes more a part of my life, it is difficult to talk
about, even the professionals that are spectacular at providing physical care
do not seem to have the time or ability to talk about the emotional side of
dying. For some reason, it feels like
most feel like we should just lay down quietly, that at some point the diagnosis
is an accepted fact. The FACT is that it
is a gross violent emotional swing between…. I cannot let this happen to me and
I am tired and I just want it to stop. Somewhere in-between those 2 opposing
feelings,<p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"> I need to comfort those that do come close to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is crazy confusing and no one seems to recognize
the frustration, or….maybe it is just me. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><a href="https://od.lk/d/Ml8zMDM0MzUyN18/Me.mp3">"Me" Paula Cole</a><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><br /></p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-60172333501941755472020-10-17T08:48:00.000-04:002020-10-17T08:48:21.652-04:00Yes, I had the time...<p style="text-align: left;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu84LWh9pSM7YspctxaHQCDN51uGTywDH9PUFCT3cMbBizEE2FV9gQJre9NNcXmIeFGcjPuplaaUh0z1o4L9chiVZQdre_IEa5vway7Kfh1dt02Ki5lrXewYKWE4HOyYQlcq99zxyMSilT/s568/facebook_1602891016301_6723012201238111653.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="568" data-original-width="568" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiu84LWh9pSM7YspctxaHQCDN51uGTywDH9PUFCT3cMbBizEE2FV9gQJre9NNcXmIeFGcjPuplaaUh0z1o4L9chiVZQdre_IEa5vway7Kfh1dt02Ki5lrXewYKWE4HOyYQlcq99zxyMSilT/s320/facebook_1602891016301_6723012201238111653.jpg" /></a></div> <br />And there comes a time when I realized how much of my life,
I spent doing this. It was not how I saw
it at the time, I saw it as sharing my gift, not begging for your attention,
admiration, and love. I rolled up all of
my inadequacies in a bubble of good helpful intentions, which should be a good
thing. But in covering up my shortfalls, I ignored my own authenticity. And the bill is now coming due....Not to mention Blogger is updating and changing the rules....AUGGHH!<p></p><p style="text-align: left;"><a href="<iframe src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml8xNDQyNzg3MjBfWGVqNms" height="25" width="297" style="border:0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" allowtransparency="true"></iframe>">You had time...</a><br /></p><p style="text-align: left;">Annie DeFranco</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-24307406864646302432020-09-03T10:08:00.001-04:002020-09-03T10:08:43.943-04:00Cannot explain it better!<blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;">I could not explain this better, so I will not even try! </p></blockquote><p class="MsoNormal"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKb79Qdjlur0x9VJclhHEaZRars_tFndH3xgP_gHiEHOnyDRbX5mfVPKmPHCCgz6NLpRSodZrsfJETOuozW-5hdBl_eoYcKJCS-ZDgVndM0f3cMYB7ZjoM6xoNQLG1X64rtPA8m3fOllQh/s800/year2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiKb79Qdjlur0x9VJclhHEaZRars_tFndH3xgP_gHiEHOnyDRbX5mfVPKmPHCCgz6NLpRSodZrsfJETOuozW-5hdBl_eoYcKJCS-ZDgVndM0f3cMYB7ZjoM6xoNQLG1X64rtPA8m3fOllQh/s320/year2.jpg" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal">“When sudden death erupts into your life, your whole way of
understanding the world is rocked. Previous interests – even things you loved –
can seem futile.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">For many people, year two is worse than the first: your
systems begin to come back online, your gaze is just slightly lifted from your
feet. You’re aware enough to know you aren’t where you want to be, and still
broken-hearted enough to not be able to do anything about it.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">That you want something different for yourself, even as you
have no energy to find it – that is the beautiful place. That’s the place to
lean on.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">If there is any glimmer of interest, any spark of light or
fascination, lean into it. Want that for yourself. Take notice of what draws
you, right now, and follow it. One tiny little glimmer at a time.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">And sometimes, there are no sparks. The world is empty and
full of things that make you cry. You want it to be different. It isn’t
different.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">You can’t fake interest. At the same time, you don’t want to
be this way. Being angry at your own broken-heart is such a tricky thing. It
turns into this giant, escalating storm: tears. Then angry at tears. Then angry
at yourself for being angry. And on and on it goes.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">What this is is a broken heart inside a deeply changed
human, still alive in a world that doesn’t make any sense.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">The path here is to honor that, somehow. To allow it, to let
it be okay that everything sucks and there is no point.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">It isn’t easy. None of this is easy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">And you are here, still, now.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">You deserve a life that is honest and true, even – or
especially – when what is true is pain. When what is true is the blank space:
the places that haven’t filled in.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">The road here, the ‘what do to’ here, is to want love for
yourself, even when you have no idea what that looks like.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">I don’t know if it’s possible or if it will help.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal">But heave yourself in that direction. Turn yourself back
toward love. Moment by brokenhearted, weepy, disinterested moment. As often as
you can. Let love carry you.<o:p></o:p></p><p>
</p><p class="MsoNormal">How about you - How has your interest in life changed? Are
there any glimmers of interest anywhere? If so, how do you follow them?” ~ Megan Devine</p><div class="o9v6fnle cxmmr5t8 oygrvhab hcukyx3x c1et5uql ii04i59q" style="font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; margin: 0.5em 0px 0px; overflow-wrap: break-word; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://od.lk/s/Ml8zMTYxMTIyOV8/Coming%20Around%20Again.mp3">"Coming Around Again" Carly Simon</a><br />
</div><div dir="auto" style="font-family: inherit;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><span style="background-color: black;"><span style="color: #050505;"><br /><br /></span></span></div></div>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-3206455128525669082020-08-26T11:14:00.000-04:002020-08-26T11:18:41.700-04:00Carry on....<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Many have heard me say so many positive things about hospice
care, but it occurred to me that I have never really written about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I figured the longer most people did
not know the details, the better off I would be….will not be the first time I
have made a ridiculous assumption and fair warning…I am sure it will not be the
last. But here is one of my new most favorite “ah-ha” discoveries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As people you can divide us by gender, race,
religion, hair color and this list can go on forever, but the reality is there
are only 2 kinds of people…Alive ones and dead ones, and for the record, I am in
the alive category and quite like it! The choice is not if we carry on, but how
we chose to carry on.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5bNgxM-phs4ihMNjrC_QCVZZxXwwwCLHLdRo6fF4TmDi6OjR6AzHSI3447ZIvt5GB25ZUDnu08xZFo5HCI-TVKa9ErqhRiu1tWyfcWG8n2MaEKCFjYgtedm1kjUg-xOfae0FDZL_IXLb8/s1600/Picture1.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="427" data-original-width="1148" height="146" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5bNgxM-phs4ihMNjrC_QCVZZxXwwwCLHLdRo6fF4TmDi6OjR6AzHSI3447ZIvt5GB25ZUDnu08xZFo5HCI-TVKa9ErqhRiu1tWyfcWG8n2MaEKCFjYgtedm1kjUg-xOfae0FDZL_IXLb8/s400/Picture1.png" width="400" /></a>Most of the time a friend or acquaintance will hear the word
hospice, gasp, and assume I have one foot in the grave and death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s a fair assumption.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the beginning, is was what hospice was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Allowing people to die and home with dignity,
no tubes, no drama.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And they do still do
that.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
However, “palliative” care has been overlooked and the state
of Florida discourages doctors from practicing palliative care except under the
umbrella of hospice. Actually, I suspect this is more about the doctor’s
liability and lawsuits for the insurance companies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Palliative care does not try to cure what we
all know is uncurable but helps us manage the symptoms and our other resources.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Palliative care is awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The regular cardiologists were going to kill me and my savings account even
with insurance with all of their chronic and quite frankly horribly invasive testing!
Hospice care sends a nurse to me once a week (no more camping out in doctor’s
waiting rooms and exam rooms for hours, my meds are mailed to me) they manage
my symptoms ensuring that I have the best, most productive, painless life
possible for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is no doubt in my mind that I would be unable to do
one half of what I can do today without their help, guidance, and the constant
changing and addition of symptom controlling meds.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if I can leave one bit of wisdom with
you, it would be… do not wait for the typical rule, which is waiting<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>for your doc to tell you there is only months or weeks to live before. Hospice and palliative care can give you so so much more
and I was so incredibly fortunate to meet with this man and spend a couple of
hours with him before making any of my big decisions, I have never regretted it!<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml8xNjE3NzMzNjJfcEsxcWg" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe>
</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>"Carry on" </i>Croby, Stills, Nash, and Young</div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<br /></div>
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="215" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/5qaktKVL_zM" width="460"></iframe>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-765048824153257082020-08-24T09:45:00.001-04:002020-08-24T09:45:52.482-04:00Who is in charge here?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuC5ZWqizzNhEpTiM2zlHLs88afSjvzDlJwLskR7nzoAvAOQW6EME7kV5kyWW2ykEXuSe3ghqRAVr3zAjxREs6UajFTP6wH0HIH29gwg8EAISl0-rYNafSHJk_eCFrEWEFyCXNKN7Rzghm/s1600/NMC.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="722" data-original-width="542" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuC5ZWqizzNhEpTiM2zlHLs88afSjvzDlJwLskR7nzoAvAOQW6EME7kV5kyWW2ykEXuSe3ghqRAVr3zAjxREs6UajFTP6wH0HIH29gwg8EAISl0-rYNafSHJk_eCFrEWEFyCXNKN7Rzghm/s320/NMC.jpg" width="240" /></a><br />
<br />
This pretty much sums it up… ”The who is in charge here” dilemma
is officially solved!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke up this
morning with paws in my lower back and squished into one-quarter of the
available width of a queen-sized bed and flipped back the covers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Not My Cat” has officially staked out his
section of the bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We have had this “discussion”
on several different occasions as I politely move him to the end or the other
side of the bed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He typically grouses
but curls up and falls back to sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This seems to be a new tactic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Wait until I am good and asleep and then claim the territory unnoticeably
inch by inch throughout<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the night. Cleary I am losing the battle.<br />
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><br />
<o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml8xMjI3NTc3MTBfQ3NPREg" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe> <i>"I'm a Loser"</i> The Beatles<br />
<br />Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-36854386371400324902020-08-21T14:09:00.000-04:002020-08-21T14:09:13.732-04:00Spoiler Alert....<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
This is going to be a long one, so sit back and get
comfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My dearest friend, Terry
and I were talking, and although I was aware of the fact that I had just gotten
another boost in the pain killers, I seemed to be a bit freer and gigglier than
normal about talking about what my body was and was not doing as my organs
begin to shut down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The biggest and most
hilarious part of the conversation had to deal with my intestinal track not
operating correctly and the effect of egg salad has on that process, I will let
you figure out the rest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the point I
was making was this was not part of the fucking (excuse me) Heart failure comic
book hand out (really, they are written like a comic book) they gave me one every
single time I checked out of the hospital and I have many copies of the damn
thing, believe me I know it by heart (no pun intended).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has been a while since I have written in
my blog, and Terry asked, “Why don’t you write about this?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My answer was, I don’t know….who wants to read
about egg salad farts?<o:p></o:p></div>
<table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left; margin-right: 1em; text-align: left;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpE_-oKegPLElCw5t4ktvgdriwuA2Bc4VkDPkSJIZ3-z_3kvDh2UMe_giyqM0Z_C_wYd4727oRufFESZYLvObPxZwcmb3a2sgJ2XiYWUOASLbB5ByyVF6FOvn0nnm26g3icRfTKob4ozYo/s1600/123_2.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpE_-oKegPLElCw5t4ktvgdriwuA2Bc4VkDPkSJIZ3-z_3kvDh2UMe_giyqM0Z_C_wYd4727oRufFESZYLvObPxZwcmb3a2sgJ2XiYWUOASLbB5ByyVF6FOvn0nnm26g3icRfTKob4ozYo/s320/123_2.jpeg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ya just got know you are headed for shit <br />
when a black crow lands on your head.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It occurred to me that the one thing I have craved for the
past few years was a tribe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Not an
artist or friend’s tribe although I loved them dearly because we share so many intimate
and personal things, I need an "I am dying" tribe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People that know the life, the love, and the
fear of dying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now let me make myself
clear, I am not looking for a “support” group, been to a few and they were full
of whiners, whose main topic of conversation always centered around who had the
biggest scar, the longest medicine list, the worst and the best cardiologist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was like a heart failure pecker
contest!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh, there were a few knights in
shining armor that were convinced they would fight this with diet, exercise,
herbs, meditation etc. but they were only interested in showing all of us how
much time and effort they were putting into not dying. Where are the people who
accept what is happening to them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
ones who are trying to live their best lives NOW, because that is what we
have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be a part of the tribe
that is not afraid to share the good, the bad, the philosophical, and the funny
things that are happening to me on this journey.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the beginning, I spent so much time and
energy trying to convince everyone how “well” I was, regardless of how much
energy it took.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I could not do that
anymore, I was ashamed. Certain that I brought this on myself and did not
deserve any help or sympathy to combat the “monster” of my own creation I began stepping away from my own life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now it seems like it is time to tell the
truth, the good the bad and the ugly, including the hysterically funny.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And please believe me there are some really
funny things!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This will not be easy for
me to write or you to read, but maybe, just maybe somewhere in my words, you
might find a morsel of truth or comfort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But then when this is all done and over with I promise you I will only
be able to tell you the 2 things I know for sure...and I already know what they are now.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
SPOILER ALERT:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>#1 Nothing
stays the same, EVERYTHING changes and <o:p></o:p></div>
#2 Everything dies.<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
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<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>"Iris"</i> The Goo Goo Dolls</div>
Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-51926612608290296782020-08-19T05:25:00.000-04:002020-08-19T05:26:02.736-04:00Woodstock<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc7p8iik0dqieuElyrgdCV5rrjX3VsXPqj-3wUFup7Xk2gehwawNBenetqtLLtIdsdQTQuDd-tpvaDprfQkr_OOIBrpHkXjZcHXqON3vdQULoxYKPnf3h2qNvthfbmo_baQFoRTVScgf7s/s1600/20842297_10155710831202318_2119275113235764641_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="581" data-original-width="467" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgc7p8iik0dqieuElyrgdCV5rrjX3VsXPqj-3wUFup7Xk2gehwawNBenetqtLLtIdsdQTQuDd-tpvaDprfQkr_OOIBrpHkXjZcHXqON3vdQULoxYKPnf3h2qNvthfbmo_baQFoRTVScgf7s/s320/20842297_10155710831202318_2119275113235764641_n.jpg" width="257" /></a><br />
<br />
I know it has been a while.....been a really rough couple of weeks, but I still needed to pay homage to my generation<br />
and then marvel how much things change...they do still stay the same.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Then I was reminded by FB friend </span></i><br />
<i><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br /></span></i>
<span style="color: white; font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><i style="background-color: black;">"We are stardust</i></span><br />
<i><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">We are golden</span><br style="font-family: roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">And we've got to get ourselves</span><br style="font-family: roboto, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px;" /><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Back to the garden"</span></span></i><br />
<div>
<i><span jsname="YS01Ge" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "roboto" , "arial" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml8xNDUyOTIyMzJfZlZicEo" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe>
"Woodstock" <i>Crosby Stills Nash and Young </i>Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-79307212374308743302020-08-06T08:53:00.000-04:002020-08-06T08:53:04.458-04:00His death anniversary came and went......<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNulXNYYSTrWXnP4PSQnKuIDuRODHw91jJpSP9Hag44SruNm3eL18S1kZeh6ql5XCl92uKG_QziCTezxRqbuSiJvtOpDkRbcMsIGqieLZxYjB-Z9dIlv4sqNRAoXDjdyne2lYaqblIUAq_/s1600/flowers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1101" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNulXNYYSTrWXnP4PSQnKuIDuRODHw91jJpSP9Hag44SruNm3eL18S1kZeh6ql5XCl92uKG_QziCTezxRqbuSiJvtOpDkRbcMsIGqieLZxYjB-Z9dIlv4sqNRAoXDjdyne2lYaqblIUAq_/s320/flowers.jpg" width="220" /></a><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_p3D0QHxQMlcWhZuYDE9Lt3XSAQ51MmxqlX3CzzQGuSDn3T4RByMFjQ60ALrM1-hXIwRXMCBhBOCP3fUf0TdP-M4iOQ2v0iacNJZ021E0F4k6Uu2tOcedXuEKxlp2Xn-jWANDvOvy1vUw/s1600/20171210_130614+-+Copy+-+Copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1394" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_p3D0QHxQMlcWhZuYDE9Lt3XSAQ51MmxqlX3CzzQGuSDn3T4RByMFjQ60ALrM1-hXIwRXMCBhBOCP3fUf0TdP-M4iOQ2v0iacNJZ021E0F4k6Uu2tOcedXuEKxlp2Xn-jWANDvOvy1vUw/s320/20171210_130614+-+Copy+-+Copy.jpg" width="278" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His death anniversary came and went. It was hard, but made a little easier with some
medications. It was a day of overwhelming
grief and a day of equal and opposite memories and joy. Most of the day spent alone in our space and
part of the day spent with family. It seemed
only right and part of closing the circle the other people that were thrown
into that horrible day (Darren & Jill) had a chance to spend some of that
day together again. The most profound
thing that happened was the young man at work that Skip had developed more than
a coworker relationship but a true mutual admiration, the young man that was
with Skip as he died. I have always been
so grateful that Skip was not alone but with someone he knew and cared deeply
about. This young man called yesterday to check on me, which was so sweet and
kind, he confessed that he had a difficult time of dealing with the fact that
he thought he should have been able to do something. I had totally forgotten what a trauma that
must have been for him, too. I am so
glad he could share that grief and healing that I had no idea had such an
impact on him with me. I did help
continue the healing. And then….this beautiful bouquet of flowers arrived from
my sisters. It is a new day and a new
year.</div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml82MzgyOTY0NV8yWUl2Tg" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>Auld Lang Syne.</i>....</div>
Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-66804067436416670052020-07-30T10:11:00.000-04:002020-07-30T10:11:02.673-04:00Brave enough to do the things I never thought I would have to...Damn it!<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaM_udM7wDFyfKM3cbkPrJgsx4Rv7UFA_n2EzXFrHsfOYRNRnEuiPV-mfUK1t8BAl3QpyEsB9S1MDbArBlLFlDX_nLFHzyFLAiFLckJzKdeTChkFSD0cnJQXhFRa62G5Ymnz5ne_otGZiu/s1600/cannula.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="408" data-original-width="659" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhaM_udM7wDFyfKM3cbkPrJgsx4Rv7UFA_n2EzXFrHsfOYRNRnEuiPV-mfUK1t8BAl3QpyEsB9S1MDbArBlLFlDX_nLFHzyFLAiFLckJzKdeTChkFSD0cnJQXhFRa62G5Ymnz5ne_otGZiu/s320/cannula.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I had to increase my O2 through the night and it became intolerable
to sleep with the noise and heat put out by “R2D2” …my name for the large O2
concentrator. I found on Amazon an O2 hose long enough that I could push that
damn noisy O2 concentrator into Skip’s room with only the tubing in my room. My mission was accomplished! Blissful, quiet,
cool, sleep. But on the second night of
cool quiet sleep, I was rudely awoken in the middle of the night and quite
frankly frightened by having the cannula jerked off of my face by an “unseen”
force! I have got to quit watching those
ghost hunting shows!... It was not a ghost but <i>Not My Cat</i> in the hallway, wrestling
with the O2 tubing on the floor like he had just discovered the best ever cat
toy. A few Command Strip hooks later and some not so pretty but very effective
engineering and I think the problem is solved!<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Next week we will do handrails in the hall, a bit more
bathroom modifications, and some adjustments in Skips room to accommodate a full-time
care giver…if and when that becomes necessary.
The things that I have avoided for so long is now arriving…and although I
hate it, it is not as bad as I thought it would be.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml81MTc2NjU3N19INW1FbA" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>"Brave"</i> Sarah Bareilles</div>
Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-81720256710569682302020-07-10T09:29:00.000-04:002020-07-10T09:29:47.526-04:00Little by Little<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiumQniTVhKXjjcdBzpRRpfMeSps53dzk_Aiyme37Knbrt40-GxroTIzXfSq7i60lcBYd0VRHfjPMadIfP8sGjnCJl3kfJ004d9SqyzuuHA4TgPhd8Qeunwbzy_Q2_8HyJZkXHsysLSI9Ju/s1600/107816841_3100206523398432_3186661629726260817_n.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="527" data-original-width="613" height="274" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiumQniTVhKXjjcdBzpRRpfMeSps53dzk_Aiyme37Knbrt40-GxroTIzXfSq7i60lcBYd0VRHfjPMadIfP8sGjnCJl3kfJ004d9SqyzuuHA4TgPhd8Qeunwbzy_Q2_8HyJZkXHsysLSI9Ju/s320/107816841_3100206523398432_3186661629726260817_n.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It will soon be 1 year since I have been alone, and I still
want to have all of these new changes feel right and normal, but many do
not!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am still “carving out a new life
amid this weirdly devastated landscape” of widowhood, covid 19 and still
working through advancing heart failure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I am making so many mistakes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New
life still brings some of the crap of the old life. However, the
overwhelming fear of the changes and reorganization of my hospice care has passed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I learned that I get to keep my primary nurse
ED, who I adore and is a true advocate for me as a person rather than a set of diagnoses
and symptoms and a new Doc that I met yesterday too, and I really like her…I am
feeling very lucky about this!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, if I
could add anything to Megan’s quote it would be that “little by little pain and
love and fear will find ways to coexist”. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml8xMjA0NjExNDJfWHEwdnA" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe></div>
<div style="text-align: right;">
<i>"Nothing Stays the Same"</i> Luke Singh</div>
Cheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-12066069117910381922020-07-08T08:43:00.001-04:002020-07-08T08:43:47.674-04:00Learning, how to forgive me.<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYC6Wmyb2UjiLo2vktWq7yvK5mSMuLhTNrVaSLpwYRRdIsw-nxDL_tGA_bvfxyOYaTjvAHLkcsoQfbC5uL1cImWVNr1G_WPMvERZUDt_vdtMb-AWlO1zDuGZ-g6vFCRxIZ7K7URZqWNDM8/s1600/fearless.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1200" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYC6Wmyb2UjiLo2vktWq7yvK5mSMuLhTNrVaSLpwYRRdIsw-nxDL_tGA_bvfxyOYaTjvAHLkcsoQfbC5uL1cImWVNr1G_WPMvERZUDt_vdtMb-AWlO1zDuGZ-g6vFCRxIZ7K7URZqWNDM8/s320/fearless.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Learning, how to forgive me. The first thing is being
honest with how I really feel. Exposing
myself, being vulnerable, and to quit being the “showman” pretending that I am
much stronger than I really am. It is
not easy but if I want to really move forward, this journey of self-forgiveness
has to begin.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<i>"Shame on You" </i>Indigo GirlsCheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-50780492549530597422020-07-06T10:46:00.001-04:002020-07-06T10:46:48.057-04:00Our House is a very very fine house...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5crGvMeNFbkEHpavxq3qwNHgzfTV1O4VbCN5mMZrpNYq6ck9FbCpMVANlad81uhXve9qdXMQFExjd8MDxDqECy13MnPqatd3podSzeX8Spq1si1IiKYUcy3BhWM8ZKlNg2oNDMxtSrHlf/s1600/house.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1506" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh5crGvMeNFbkEHpavxq3qwNHgzfTV1O4VbCN5mMZrpNYq6ck9FbCpMVANlad81uhXve9qdXMQFExjd8MDxDqECy13MnPqatd3podSzeX8Spq1si1IiKYUcy3BhWM8ZKlNg2oNDMxtSrHlf/s320/house.jpg" width="301" /></a>I found this picture with more cleaning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I tell people, this is the house that
Skip and I built out of love and tears, good times and bad I also mean that we literally
built it…well not the whole thing but the family room we built (everything but
the trusses and roofing). It was such a struggle but we did it! We also built much
of the furniture inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then there is a
good bunch of furniture that family heirlooms from booth my grandmother and
his.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is a little home where I am surrounded
by memories and family, and it is all very good<o:p></o:p></div>
….but I still miss him so very much and all
we did together.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml8xNjg3MjQzODZfYVIwVjc" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe><br />
<i>"Our House"</i> Crosby, Stills, Nash & YoungCheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1967232024792729246.post-63965950175225342792020-07-04T09:03:00.001-04:002020-07-04T09:03:26.953-04:00no obvious end in sight...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhY7Ge-GsAEzINdxWy4IzvJ2kkjFnsmOlPBlBRTPJ_K2WkcvsNO45mhKk6-N9ZImfxc9uKg-SGP61zo8qvbqmcbuWbXOwhLWGA8dcZ7kwVbxLM7Z56nAq6087nr8a7wqk66-gm0q8h9fGe/s1600/20160719_162416.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="437" data-original-width="368" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhY7Ge-GsAEzINdxWy4IzvJ2kkjFnsmOlPBlBRTPJ_K2WkcvsNO45mhKk6-N9ZImfxc9uKg-SGP61zo8qvbqmcbuWbXOwhLWGA8dcZ7kwVbxLM7Z56nAq6087nr8a7wqk66-gm0q8h9fGe/s320/20160719_162416.jpg" width="269" /></a>Another holiday without you, and the day before that horrific the day brings back happy memories and tears. I remember all of the 4<sup>th</sup>
of July days on the sailboat anchored in Lake Monroe, the water balloon fights
followed later by the kids squealing as the fireworks literally burst over our
heads.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I move forward without you there are mixed emotions
between being proud of myself for existing and going on living and then terrible
guilt for simply going forward without you. I still do not know how to reconcile
these 2 feelings and I wonder if this will ever go away.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The love, the guilt, the happy memories, the profound loss
still, swirl around in my heart with <o:p></o:p></div>
no obvious end in sight.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowtransparency="true" frameborder="0" height="25" scrolling="no" src="https://www.opendrive.com/player/Ml8xNjQyNDI5NzlfNklpTFM" style="border: 0;" width="297"></iframe><br />
<i>"Summer Song" </i> Chad & JeremyCheryl Jones Evanshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00316151474167590687noreply@blogger.com0