life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Still Standing....





to all my cardiac docs.....HA!!!
doing what I love doing is the best medicine....EVER! 

Monday, February 25, 2013

waving red flags and snickering at me

…a few minutes to myself, before I march back into the studio, finally getting these last 3 pieces in their frames and wrapped for traveling.  All of the fear, nerves and self-doubt have shown up in mass, marching around me waving red flags and snickering at me.

Monday, February 18, 2013

I am not “needy” I am “wanty”..... there is a big difference!

What a phenomenal few nights! 
Physically exhausted and emotionally challenged!

There have been so many incredible experiences that I could not begin to communicate them at this point, it will be days of “processing” before I can begin to get them in to perspective!

One thing that I have learned without question is that I am in pursuit of Life. That is capital “ L Life!  A full, outrageous creative life filled with joy, laughter, and experiences that push me to the edge.

I love having friends and family but I am strong enough to do this alone.  So you can just imagine how incredibly blessed I am to have amazing open hearted (and open minded) people in my life that want to and willingly share my life as well as support my (rarely sensible, slightly outrageous) ideas. 
For the first time in my life, I am ok with living LIFE on my own terms.   It is an amazing and extraordinarily freeing feeling! 

I do not need anything…. Everything I need for a most extraordinary creative life, I already have.

I  do want ……to go anywhere and everywhere my creative heart takes me.  No boundaries!
I am not “needy” I am “wanty”...there is a big difference!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

this is exactly what I am meant to do...

The ride downtown felt like a slow walk to the gallows. A tenacious litany of questions unraveled inside my head, as I got closer. Do I belong here? They must have made a mistake. My work is not good enough! Why did they select this piece? This piece is not big or impressive enough. If I turn around now, and go home, I am certain no one will even realize I am not there. I pulled into the parking lot with about dozen other cars and artists, wondering if the same list of ugly thoughts was playing in their heads?  

I climbed down out of the van and started the long walk toward the line of artists checking in. I approached the check-in table with my image turned in and clutched to my chest I did not want anyone to see it, keeping my option open to turn and run the other way. Finally, it was my turn. They asked my name, had me sign in, handed me a brown manila envelope with my lanyard and comp. tickets then pointed me into the gallery area with further instructions. No one made any faces, turned their heads, or made any comment what so ever, it was a simple matter of fact business transaction. I mustered up every ounce of courage I could find and made my way to the area where I was to unwrap and leave my work. 

I got to the empty spot and stood long enough to take in a deep breath and look around me , really look around me. I wanted to feel and see everything happening to me, inside and out. All of that incredible art work, massive amounts of glorious talent, and images that took my breath away. A feeling of incredible satisfaction enveloped me. I was surrounded by the most phenomenal art and magnificent creatives and like magic, my breathing slowed and my heart calmed. At that precise moment, I knew this is exactly what I am meant to do.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Fearless


What a wonderful day...
 art, friends, food!

Could it possibly get any better?

Taking my life back…


FEARLESS

 

Thursday, February 7, 2013

fAt FeEt dAYs



I hate fat feet days. Fat Feet do not hurt but they do feel little weird. “Snausage” toes are the reminder “things just ain’t right”. It is a benign but ugly warning that my heart is struggling and fluid is building.  These are the days that I am grateful for flip-flops!

I find that I do best and am the happiest when I do not focus on or give this disease any attention, when I continue my life doing what I want and can do. Then just about the time I have convinced myself that I have this mess whipped....BAMM…fat feet!! Like my heart is talking back to me and saying....Oh no BITCH you are not going to do that!!

Heart failure does not have symptoms that anyone can see, so I CAN  fool most of the people…most of the time. The only one I cannot fool is me, and these damn fat feet. Some days I am still afraid.  Some days fat feet just plain scare me.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Can I still do it....

It’s CRUNCH time….

Four on the boards, some better than others, but all better than the 2 I blew a couple of weeks ago. I still find my biggest problem is OVER WORKING them. This is an ongoing problem I not only have with my art, but I find this issue showing up in my life, too. Trying so very hard to let go of all things that do not move me back into the life I loved and…… then let go of this obsession to over work everything that is in my life now.  

Three weeks to my first outdoor art show in 4 years. My stomach is in knots, the work is so-so and I am wondering if I can still do it??????