life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

this is exactly what I am meant to do...

The ride downtown felt like a slow walk to the gallows. A tenacious litany of questions unraveled inside my head, as I got closer. Do I belong here? They must have made a mistake. My work is not good enough! Why did they select this piece? This piece is not big or impressive enough. If I turn around now, and go home, I am certain no one will even realize I am not there. I pulled into the parking lot with about dozen other cars and artists, wondering if the same list of ugly thoughts was playing in their heads?  

I climbed down out of the van and started the long walk toward the line of artists checking in. I approached the check-in table with my image turned in and clutched to my chest I did not want anyone to see it, keeping my option open to turn and run the other way. Finally, it was my turn. They asked my name, had me sign in, handed me a brown manila envelope with my lanyard and comp. tickets then pointed me into the gallery area with further instructions. No one made any faces, turned their heads, or made any comment what so ever, it was a simple matter of fact business transaction. I mustered up every ounce of courage I could find and made my way to the area where I was to unwrap and leave my work. 

I got to the empty spot and stood long enough to take in a deep breath and look around me , really look around me. I wanted to feel and see everything happening to me, inside and out. All of that incredible art work, massive amounts of glorious talent, and images that took my breath away. A feeling of incredible satisfaction enveloped me. I was surrounded by the most phenomenal art and magnificent creatives and like magic, my breathing slowed and my heart calmed. At that precise moment, I knew this is exactly what I am meant to do.

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