life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Saturday, June 29, 2013

I Chose the Blindfold




I chose this blind fold.

I have spent a lifetime carefully choosing what I did and did not want to see. The selection process was never based on fact, but on my life experiences and pre-programed expectations.

Realizing now that there is so much still to see, the question is “do I want to see it, experience it?”

The questions well up and I cannot decide if I am ready for so much truth 

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Make me Stronger

I want to be a very strong woman. However, I do not want tears. 

The question is…. can I do one without the other?

So many times in my past, when faced with difficulties I have put on my “emotional” suit of armor and muscled through the situation. I would not allow myself the luxury of emotion or more precisely fear, hurt, shame or any other negative feelings. I would control the situation (and my negative emotions) by simply walking away. I would consciously choose to focus on the positive, moving away from the negative people and/or situations as quickly as I possibly could.  

Looking back, it is beginning to feel like I am a champion at avoidance. 

Perhaps a strong woman is not just a tower of energy  but a fragile balance of the two sides. Strength and Weakness….Light and Dark …High and Low

Is it possible that exposing my shame, fear, hurt and weaknesses could make me stronger?

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

90-year old slug


There is not one flipping minute of this past weekend I would trade for a million dollars.  I do not recall laughing as long and as loud as I did, but OMG the recovery has been brutal!  The last 3 days I have had the get-up-and-go of a 90-year-old slug and am desperately looking for something that resembles energy!    I have some body parts that are barking and other parts that are just plain DOA.   C’mon my awesome, phenomenal, kick-butt heart, catch up with me because I need to do a whole lot more of this!!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Pirates & Picasso

This life, like everyone else has ups and downs and oh how I love the ups! I love the ups so much, I wonder if I do not invite the downs in a little quicker by playing so hard and wearing myself out??? Sounds like manic behavior...scarier still…bi-polar! AUGHHHHH!

It is not either, it is a simple cliché case of “making hay while the sun shines”. When you (and I do mean all of us) do not know what tomorrow will bring…..we should be, do and have the best of what today has to offer!  

And I am off to live another of my “bucket list” dreams! A weekend in St. Augustine, with a gallery walk, a Picasso exhibition and the long awaited bucket list trip of a cruise with phenomenal friends on a pirate ship with shifty pirates, busty wenches and an bar in the back of the boat. ARGHHHHH!

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Listen, Smile, Agree...

W A R N I N G....
this blog post is pithy, sarcastic an most certainly offensive! Enter with extreme caution!


There have been occasions in my life that I have felt the need to or been asked to defend my decisions and actions. What each of these conditions have in common was that the person (persons) asking, were not interested in listening to my point of view, but  looking for an opportunity to let me know I was wrong, explain why they are right, and convince me to give up my position and climb back into their socially acceptable behavior box... 

In the past, I felt like my life style, decisions and honor were worth defending vehemently. When I was younger I proudly earned my reputation as a fiery red head by passionately and stubbornly arguing my points.

Recently I find I just do not have the time and energy to actively engage in those conversations anymore.

However, I do not want you to think I have become weak, soft, mellow or given up my feisty flamboyant attitude.  I have just adopted a new philosophy regarding my decisions.  "Listen, smile, agree and then do whatever the fuck you were gonna' do anyway"