life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Thursday, August 16, 2018

It seems to be as much a part of who I am as my own right elbow!

Last summer I officially declared that it was the last Artist’s Way Group at the Casselberry Art House, I had done the same the year before at the Leesburg Center for the Arts.  I figured it was time for me to begin directing my time and energy towards my own passions. 

So, to find myself curating another Artist’s Way “Celebration of Creativity”…was unexpected…but here we go!  I do so enjoy being around other creatives, and did not really realize just how much until this came around…

It has been so very fun putting this together, of course having the artists step forward with amazing works and to hang was such a great help.  They are all awesome!  I am so very very lucky to have such an amazing tribe.  Is this the last time I do this? Maybe not…I thought last summer was the last!  I think from here on out I will participate in every opportunity the Universe puts in my path and revel in the health and strength to do them!  It seems to be as much a part of who I am as my own right elbow!
                                                                                     "Do it Again"  Steely Dan

Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Just the Right Amount of "Sameness"

or….everything changes.

There is something very safe and comforting about “sameness”.  I am not saying that it is something that I aspire to; just there is a place in my life that I do like some repetition.  Until this past week,
I would have railed on and on about how I hated it.  But I am thinking that some “sameness” becomes the anchor that holds me in place and gives me a safe location to come back to.  I suspect what creative success I have had and my courage to travel the outdoor art festival circuit, maybe as simple as living in the same place for over 40 years.  Changes in my life and heart failure do not seem quite so scary when I have such a wonderful “anchor” to come back to.  So life goes on, but it goes on with a bit more color, enthusiasm, excitement, anticipation, and pleasure because I have just the right amount of sameness!

"Groovin"  War

Monday, August 13, 2018

...and would do it all over again in a heartbeat!

The beach week is over, unpacking and laundry are underway but I just had to stop one more time to enjoy some of the pictures and memories!  The boys were so much fun and so well behaved! What a joy to get to spend time with each of them!  And oh my… they grow so fast! The whole week was a magnificent day after day of smiles and laughs laced with great food, sun, and water, but there was also wonderful after dark “grownup” time with a few drinks and the best conversations!  It just could not have been any better. Thank you Skip, Jason, Steph, Oliver Owen, Steven, Cooper, Cathye, Jacob, Adrianne, and Larry, you all made it perfect!  Leaving this year was so so hard! Each time a yearly event or holiday comes there is a horrible voice in the back of my head that screams this may be the last time I get to do this.  That voice was really loud this year and that may be what made this year so extra special and at the same time incited the tears as we left, but I would not have missed one minute of it! (and would do it all over again in a heartbeat!)
"The Time of  My Life"  from Dirty Dancing

Friday, August 3, 2018

Without regret!

I really really wish I had figured this one out 50 or so years ago!  I have wasted so much of my life caring about what I did or how it looked like to others. Being a part of a group that just did not fit me,  churches, art groups, women’s clubs, political parties.   I admit I have always worked outside most of the boundaries, but if you only know how much courage it took if you only knew how I grieved about would they like me or my ideas.  How much time was wasted worrying about “them”?

Things have changed, and so have I!  I mean…what is the worst that can happen? I die?…and that is going to happen anyway….so why not! It is time now to do what I should have done 50 years ago, let go, enjoy, party. love, live…without regret!
"They" Jem

Wednesday, August 1, 2018

I do have my own crown and a crystal tiara!

and….I do have my own crown and a crystal tiara!

I will coordinate and hang what will probably be my last Artist’s Way Creativity of Celebration; however, I have to confess I thought I had done this last year, too.  It truly came as a last minute surprise, more like somebody at the city did not take our group off the yearly exhibition calendar…it does not really matter I am tickled to have the opportunity to do this again.  It has been a bit weird doing it without having the classes that go along with the planning sessions, so there is a bit of angst that comes along with this. In addition to the normal pre-installation worry,  I find my head and my heart reaching back and remembering all of the fun we have had over the years, the times I tried what I thought were really stupid things, umbrellas, kites, stools, clocks, boxes  etc… sure that others would make fun of me, but I  did it anyway.

 So I am not going to worry about what this body will or will not let me do….like it used to.  I am just going to go in there and do it…I am surrounded by people that will help me and not think I am weak or failing…. I am going to enjoy this!... I will not let this fear steal this magic experience from me! (until maybe next year….lol…)
"Reflections"  Marmelade

Saturday, July 28, 2018

Every full moon...

Women and the moon share common cycles, maybe that is why I am so affected by the full moons.  I know more babies are born, more crimes are committed and there are in general more hospital admissions, there must be something to it, but I know of no scientific reason, as of right now.  So I have learned to embrace the change of and the intensity of my emotions on the full moon.  I have never been able to understand it, but I know in my heart how powerful the full moon is.  If nothing else, it is a reliable point 12 times a year, that I can examine the feelings I hold on to, why I believe them. I have the strength to let go of those things that no longer serve my life.  And every time I let go of the negative I make room for more positive.  That is my joy every full moon!

"Moon Dance"  Van Morrison

Friday, July 27, 2018

I am NOT for everyone....

I am slow…but I am learning.  Raised in the South and a good Episcopalian the concept of someone, anyone not liking me was not even discussed.  It was my job to make them like me.  I was to dress properly, speak properly (never about money,  religion or politics), use impeccable table manners, do not speak until spoken to first, never ask for anything, wait until someone offers it to you and there were many many more ridiculous “rules”.  The only good women are Christian, great mothers, good cooks, and superb homemakers. I am none of these!  This was the plan as it was taught to me. In short, if you did all of the right things, everyone would like me and I would attract the “proper” friends.   Not being liked was a sign of failure on my part.

It was a different generation and the concept of being “liked” appears to have been a major part of all women’s roles!  So when I see a post like this, it reaches into my heart and gives me permission to politely continue on my own path,  I do not need anyone else’s approval and the older I get the more I realize I never did.  I am not for everyone, and it is ok!

I only need to spend my love, life, energy and time with those that “get me” and like me just the way I am.
"Song for a Friend" Jason Mraz

Thursday, July 26, 2018

I am brave, I am bruised and I am still breaking the rules!

and it begins…..yep…I know the next venue has a history of censoring nudes…but I have felt quite obstinate lately and really really having such a great time experimenting with female proportion and scale.  Enjoying having my hands in wet and gooey clay…loving the tactile part of this.  I am thinking perhaps this may have been the next natural step all along…even my 2D work was tactile and very textural.  If I keep is very Roman classical relic-y…they would not dare censor it?…
Well, they might…we will see? 

Right now I just have a need to break some rules! I am brave, I am bruised, but this is who I am meant to be…. this is me….

                         "This is Me" from The Greatest Showman 

Wednesday, July 25, 2018

Anything that vibrates is a GOOD thing!

Old faithful has sprung another leak, that is developing quickly into a major hole, which unfortunately matches the holes in the seat that I have managed to “mask” with a cheesy quilted seat cover over the past year or so. It looks like whether I am ready or not to give up my old faithful….it is time! As I was online looking at my chair replacement options I came across this chair (pic on right). It is the right style, and the right color…that is a plus-plus.  It was in my price range…big plus, but it is not leather…as my sister calls it….”pleather” or in another day and age “naugahide-ish” BIG MINUS….but then.....I read the description…it vibrates in certain places (lumbar, thighs, upper back) and has heat...all of the sudden it is SCREW the logical rational way of making good choices. Anything that vibrates is a good thing! is on the way to my house! Delivery date is 8-1!
"Good Girl"  Julian Moon

Gnats Ass Opinions

You may….or may not have noticed that I have been much more vocal about my political opinions (and other opinions too). The first few times I publically stated my political opinion on social media, I felt like I was summarily chastised for even having one. My feelings were hurt. I mean, in my world, shouldn’t everyone agree with me?…  My first, best, protect my ego option to avoid further public humiliation was to just be quiet, not speak up, just stop.  And I did.   That might be the end of this story, but then, you knew better!

As my heart continues to degrade and my own physical abilities show signs of significant failure, I find myself in a constant state of reinventing how I do things. It occurred to me that the one thing this disease has not affected nor had the ability to take away from me is my voice, actually my words.  If something as volatile and destructive as heart failure cannot take away my voice, why should I allow a bunch of small minded ignorant bullies on social media do it?  I mean compared to what I am dealing with now and will in the future, I cannot allow them or their opinions to be any more important or powerful to me than a gnats ass.  So stand back…I am just learning how powerful these words of mine can be!
"Me" Paula Cole

Tuesday, July 24, 2018

It is all about the "pan"...

Ok…ok…ok…I can be an asshole.  Not terribly proud of this “skill” but I have been told by many that my asshole talents are spectacular. is good to know that when an occasion arises I do have the skills!

In my own defense, I find that by leaving my emotions, anger, preconceived notions, childhood beliefs and negative connotations out of the listening process,  I have the opportunity to “hear” another’s point of view.  This does not mean I will agree with it, however, I will concede that every opinion that is different than mine has the opportunity to change or modify my own thoughts.  It is my opportunity to learn and grow.  My considerable asshole-ness arrives when others refuse to extend the same courtesy.

Different opinions push us all to think beyond, they press us into growth and force us to look at our beliefs from a different and perhaps more reasonable point of view.  At the very least we must truly consider how and why we formed and hold onto the beliefs we do have.  I have told this story many times in class.  When any new idea comes along and my negative knee-jerk reaction begins to surface…I pinch myself and remember this story.

A mother and daughter are preparing a big family meal, and the mother reminds the daughter to cut off the end of the ham before she puts it in the roasting pan and then into the oven.  The daughter asks why do we cut off the end of the ham and her mother replies that is how my mother taught me to do it.  The daughter unsatisfied with her mother’s answer calls her grandmother and asks why do we cut the end of the ham off before it goes into the oven.   The grandmother replies, my roasting pan is small, when I cut off the end it fits just right into my roasting pan.
"Moma Told Me Not to Come"  3 Dog Night