life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure. I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Tuesday, October 16, 2018

Not While I am the Queen!

I have recycled this one from my FB page...but thought it was worth posting again....

So….I am thinking there may be some that still do not understand how my Facebook page works. In the real world, I have very little control over what happens to me now.  But Facebook is NOT the real world…This page is “Facebook Cheryl Land” and I am the absolute queen and ruler of all that I and others post here! I am not a newspaper or TV network required by law to give equal time to all sides.  If you choose to be negative, combative, pessimistic, caustic or just plain disagreeable on my page… I will delete… I choose for my page to be positive, constructive, encouraging, peacefully active and just a little deliciously witty wicked anytime I think I can get away with it.  The one thing I have learned… above all, is that I have never solved one problem in my life with fear, hate and/or negativity and will not allow it to begin here or now!  Not while I am the queen!
"Think"  Aretha

Sunday, October 14, 2018

So Damn Easy

Most of the time carrying their expectations and their beliefs had become such a habit; I did not even realize how much crap I was carrying around. Nor did I realize how important it was for some of them to convince me that their way was the right way or the only way.  I know now…  I do not have to defend me, I do not have to convince them. I do not need a team or a congregation.  I just have to be me….why do we make it so hard….when really …It is just so damn easy.
"Wonderful Unknown" Ingrid Michealson

Friday, October 12, 2018

I am peaceful but I am NOT powerless!

Quite frankly, it took about all I had to screw up my courage and unfriend then post like yesterday. I really do want to be the one that everybody likes! 

Yesterday’s unfriendings included a family member and  Artist Way tribe members. They know me and deliberately posted very negative remarks anyway. It would have been one thing if they publically posted “I disagree with you” and here is why… but that was absolutely NOT what was done.  My space was used to spread their (or in this case others) fear and negativity. It was an unbelievable display of how powerful and ugly negative can be, as I really do not think this is how these people really are, but then maybe I am wrong. But they were negative words in my space...My heart was squealing…standup …do not let them use me and my space to spread this!

I do not expect nor do I want everyone to agree with me.  Dear god what a boring world that would be!  But I do not expect anyone to deliberately be ugly or rude because they do not agree with me either.  It boils down to simple honor and respect for another’s ideas, especially when they do not harm. I am not tidy, predictable, or holier than thou but I am not powerless either.   
"Take Me As I Am"  Mary J Blige

Thursday, October 11, 2018

The marvelous UNFRIEND tool....

AHHHHH! another “Trumpian” election season!… and I just unfriended 3 more…

I truly have no time or life to waste on the people that choose to spew political negativity. If you do not like what I have to say, you are not required to respond. Please feel free to ignore me, delete me, unfriend me, snooze me for 30 days…to be honest I have done that many times to many of you…

However, please note, that I have always respected your opinion and have never ever posted anything negative on your page…

If you cannot value or respect my opinions with dignity, Facebook has given me a marvelous tool, UNFRIEND. I have learned how to value myself, my life, my time, and my glorious happiness by using it. 

I prefer to fill this little corner of my life with intelligent dignified people, that can respectfully share real difficulties and ideas. They are filled with positive energy, life-affirming, problem-solving discussions, and unbelievable open-mindedness mixed with a little outrageous wicked humor whenever we think we can get away with it! I am so very grateful that there are more of you in my life….Thank you!

"Reach Out in the Darkness" Freinds & Lovers

Wednesday, October 10, 2018

More than just regular old undiagnosed bipolar....It's friggen' Multi-polar!

At least once a year, I feel the need to pay homage to what I feel must be my 432nd round of undiagnosed multi-polar-ness. It is so much more than just BI-polar, it is the full round of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief!  The book does not explain that you will go through these steps again and again and again if you have a long terminal illness. Successfully working through all of the steps once, only offers temporary quasi-nirvana… it never ever sticks!  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance run their way through my life on an almost routine recognizable basis.  I will celebrate and revel in acceptance each time I get to that point, only to find that after a while “acceptance” is friggen’ depressing, at which point I choose denial to pull me through the depression….and there you go…I am off on another round of the Kubler-Ross stages of grief!  I guess as an artist, I see no particular value in doing these steps in the prescribed order, so the bargaining and anger, are dealt with as they arrive but I do recognize them and I do have to work through those damn buggars again and again too!
"On a Carousel" The Hollies

Tuesday, October 9, 2018

That hits me the hardest....

The things, whatever the hell they are, fly into my life, out of left field, kick my feet out from under me and while I am still laying on the floor wondering what the hell just happened, those damn things disappear and I am left in a rumpled mess of fear and pain.  And believe it or not…it is not the mess, the fear or the pain that makes it so bad, it is the least expected feeling of overwhelming exhaustion that it leaves behind that hits me the hardest. 

"Death With Dignity"  Sufjan Stevens

Monday, October 8, 2018

Holy Crap!

I have no idea about what that specific magic shit is…I just know somewhere in my heart I am supposed to do it. And to make it worse I do not know magic!  All I know is that I am compelled to keep writing about this.  I always thought it was more about me, getting things out of my head and seeing my thoughts become tangible in written words.  Almost makes it easier to figure out really difficult thoughts and problems!  It used to be, that I did not share this blog with anyone, I mean it was on the internet but I did not announce it….and a lot of people found it anyway.  It is much easier now.

I do not care what people think of me anymore…
Holy Crap!….. You know what? ……..
That might be MY MAGIC!

"Magic Bus" Hollies

Sunday, October 7, 2018

Being me...

I will not be what anyone else thinks I should be.  I will not allow anyone or anything to take my power from me.  My power exists in my heart and my soul, not what other people think of me!  I do not have to agree with anyone if I do not feel it is right. That is the only explanation needed.  And if I happen to be wrong, which it might very well be, then that is my choice, I am responsible for my thoughts, opinions, and actions and I am willing to suffer the consequences. I no longer need to listen to others points of view unless I deem it necessary for my own knowledge and growth.  So I will continue to allow or delete people, comments, statements, posts into my life that are positive, factual, truthful and uphold not only my power.  I am taking my power back! Oh...and I got on that Orlando Eye...rode it to the top and I win!  I am not afraid!
"Living in the Moment" Jason Mraz

Saturday, October 6, 2018

...a box of Depends before I go!

The first thing you all need to know is that I am scared to death of heights!  Not long ago I spent a very scary few days on one of the top floors of a downtown hospital recovering from open heart surgery.  It was definitely not a “stress-free” environment as far as I was concerned and my entire focus was to get out of there.   Out of my very high and very huge picture window, I could see most of Orlando and way out to I-Drive.  A great view…unless you are afraid of heights, which meant I stayed on my side of the room, never getting close to that damn window!  From my safe side of the room, I spent quite a bit of time watching this thing turning slowly and muttering to myself….who the hell in their right mind would pay to get on that thing? 

Well today, the answer is me.  In the last few weeks (and I suspect from now on) a good part of this life is going to be about battling fear.  I was coached by my amazing hospice nurse Ed, to not waste my energy fighting the disease (which seems to be what everyone wants me to do) and I will admit, it is frustrating to fight day in and day out and still watch my body losing the war. But I need to live and learn how to make the most of what I have!  This week I decided that fighting this disease is a futile battle, but fighting the fear that surrounds it may not be!  My focus, my battle is to take control of the fear!  And I am beginning by conquering this fear of heights!  

At 7PM this evening I will be in one of those gondolas, just Skip and I, at sunset, medically approved aides, champagne and chocolate, facing down this fear!  Although, I have to admit I may need to pick up a box of Depends...before I go!
"Higher Ground" Stevie Wonder

Friday, October 5, 2018

On this anniversary...

This is my favorite picture of my mother, not just because in my eyes she is so beautiful, but because for years of my life it was the only image of her I got to see.  Every summer I looked forward to spending a week with my grandmother and my Pierce family but what I really looked forward to most of all, was seeing this picture of my mother that sat on the top of the corner bookshelf in her living room.  It was always in the same place. 

There were years I was not allowed to see her ask about her or know whether she was even alive.  I was just a little girl. I was told I should not want to know about her, my other siblings did not want to know about their biological parents, why did I?  I was told she left me; she did not want me, she did not care for or love me, why should I want to know, see or even love her? I was made to feel bad and ungrateful because I wanted to know and love her.  I was reprimanded for asking and eventually was afraid to ask, and that fear quickly turned into guilt that I was not strong enough to ask.   Somehow, the sins and the mistakes of my parents became my own shame, for just wanting to know. 

This picture at grandmother’s house could take that fear and guilt away, if even for just a little while. I was always more than a happy little girl to see my grandmother but even more so,
to see my own mother’s beautiful image and not feel the shame and guilt of wanting to see and know about her even if just for a little while in the summers. This is that very picture…the picture that could melt my guilt and shame …And on this anniversary I just needed to say….I miss you so much.
"There are Places I Remember"  The Beatles