life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"



Thursday, October 27, 2016

I wish I had of...

I do not have to go in fast, I just have to go in with all of my heart and that is always the hardest part.  It means risk!  So the mantra for me is to go in slowly, go in smart but go in with my whole heart.  Go in knowing that even if I loose….I will survive and I will be a better person for having gone there!  The big picture, the point is to never have to say…..I wish I had of…..

"In my Mind"  Amanda Palmer

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

I thought I already understood.....

Making a dent....

Always looking for my own unique way to make my dent, but then aren’t we all. Perhaps it does not need to be unique….maybe it just needs to be!  I am afraid if I get so caught up in creating my “unique” dent I may end up missing the opportunity to make any dent at all!  Maybe just being here, maybe just expressing myself, maybe just doing what I makes me feel good is “the dent” I need to make!

"So Much too Say"  Dave Matthews

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

You Ought to Try it!

 I still have no intention of explaining it…
 I still totally plan to get away with it, too!
I mean why would anyone even bother to ask me such a ridiculous question? Clearly this is what I was thinking! And...I suspect this is exactly the kind of rule breaking thought process that moves me forward, that keeps me engaged and more alive than I ever could have thought imaginable. You ought to try it!
"Good Girl"  Julian Moon

Monday, October 24, 2016

What I have to do...

I want and need to keep opening my life and my heart to all of the amazing opportunities that are out there just waiting for me.  I know that they are there…Each time I am hurt it is so easy and I suspect natural to shut down and protect myself.  Opening up, welcoming in new possibilities, and enjoying this journey, even the crappy parts, just seems counter intuitive.  But I know in my heart this is what I have to do!

"The Fault in Our Stars"  Troye Sivan

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Steering into the direction of the skid....

This is another one of those sayings that just seems to be counter intuitive.  You know like when the driver’s ed teacher told you “if your car goes into an out of control skid…do not stomp on the brakes or wildly try to steer out of it, instead…do not brake and steer into the direction of the skid”.  What in the world made the instructor think I could do that….it just is not a conscious decision it's instinct! I think it falls under the heading reflex survival.  I always felt that fearlessness comes from instinctive self-preservation, brute strength and unflappable resolve but maybe that is not how this real fearlessness works. I have inkling deep down in my heart that it is not about self preervation….that it is more about  about acceptance, love and tenderness.  I know….it does not make sense…but more like what that driver’s ed teacher said. 

I am just trying like crazy not to “stomp on the brakes or wildly steer out of the direction of the skid”.
"Ironic"  Alanis Morrisette

Saturday, October 22, 2016

I know...I know....language!

I know…I know….language!  But sometimes…just sometimes it should be considered appropriate when there is an important point that needs to be made.

I suspect this maybe one of them, but it is a tricky one for me….although I think there is a great deal of valuable counsel here! Unfortunately, I have vacillated back and forth and still have not figured out when the balance point is on this piece of what I perceive to be great advice.  I just wish I had a more definitive explanation of which“shit” this is applicable to.
"Strip Me" Natasha Bedinfield

Friday, October 21, 2016

Don't Allow.....

Every now and again one of “those” slips up behind me and takes me by surprise.  The big question I have to ask myself “is this real or imagined?”  For the most part people want to be supportive and loving, but there are a few whose mission seems to simply be to belittle and frustrate me and others.  I always wonder how can this possibly be?  I do not understand it.  All I can do I keep them away from heart.

"They Know"  Eric Bibb

Thursday, October 20, 2016


It would not be the first time I have heard that whispered behind my back and that is so OK!  Bent in some places makes room for spectacular things to happen.  Things that most people cannot believe could possibly be.  But they can and they do…. all you have to do is make up your mind to see things differently and you will very rarely be disappointed!
"You Get What You Give"  New Radicals

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

It's Happy Heart Day!

And....6 pink hearts!

Six years ago today was the first day of this most amazing part of my life.  It is also the 6th anniversary of my heart attack.  Each year I celebrate my incredible heart for the strength it has given me over these years by painting my chest....just my way of saying thank you my heart...thank you!

"All Star"  OrtoPlot

what I love....

Focusing on what I am good at…..I am not sure everyone would agree that I am “good” at it, but it makes me feel good!  I always have and I expect always will feel good around art and I am learning that I am good (kind of) around arts administration, but have so much to learn yet…a degree in it means absolutely nothing in the real world, it is like a whole new world.   

Getting ready to be on my second art grant review panel,  and although the first went well and I am nervous!  Kind of like a second date with someone I really like. I am learning to stay in and around the “what I love” all aspects of it!  It is after all, what I love.  It is always there
 and has never turned me away or ignored me 
(accept in Casselberry).
"Art" Tanya Davis

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

and those who were seen dancing....

I have never regretted choosing the only life I know how to live.  It took me years to finally find and claim my passion, creating, breaking rules, sharing, and pursuing a life that most will never understand.  It is what I am meant to do, where I thrive, where I love.  But when I hurt, tired and do not feel well, my strength wavers and I become frightened.  “Alone” turns into “lonely” and I begin to buy into most people’s idea that lonely is an unhealthy bad thing.  Fear, desperation and loneliness seep into my life and I think there will be some comfort in pushing myself back into the rules of the “acceptable person” box.  That  giving up who I am to follow others rules will make me more acceptable, others will like me and it will fix the loneliness.  It never does… if anything it makes everything worse!  It brings back all of those I am not good enough feelings of childhood. 

In my creative life I am alone, and it is a good thing, it is where I create, and it is my reality. Loneliness and alone are very different.  Lonely is desperate, sad and dangerous.  Lonely makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, that I am not good enough, and I do not fit in. But in my creative world alone is empowering.  Alone I have no other’s idea of me that I need to live up to.  Alone is where I hear the music and can dance.
"Life I Know"  India Arie