life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Guggenheim

There are times when I just need to "zip it" and let the pictures talk....this is one of those times

Monday, March 27, 2017

The “awesome-ness” is in the details!

We are staying in a 1903 historic hotel on the Upper West Side designed by noted architect Emery Roth in 1903.  Described as one of the flashiest of its day, the Hotel Belleclaire was once referred to as a skyscraper on Broadway and was first amid the most luxurious buildings in the city. Roth combined Beaux Arts principles with Art Nouveau style that make it worthy of landmark status.

Famous past guests include Mark Twain and Babe Ruth Skip & Cheryl Evans with Cathye Bouis, how much more fantastic could it be?


"Beauty in the World"  Macy Gray

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Too good to be true.....

Every now and again I see something that just seems too good to be true, but in moments of sheer desperation I am willing to try anything!  As I continued to monitor the weather for the upcoming NY City Museum trip it became clear that the lovely early spring weather I was hoping for has degraded to a lingering ugly sloppy wet winter.  I am a FL girl….really..I mean really!  I do not nor have I ever owned boots, or any other “serious” winter clothes, but what I realized this week is that winter clothes regardless of how serious they are, take a hell of a lot more room in a suitcase…AUGHHHHH!!!!! I found these packing bags on Amazon.  Bags that seemed to be inspired by the “seal-a-meal” or (because I cannot remember the official name) the “suck-and-store” bags for blankets and pillows that suck all of the air out and shrink them up!  I thought “OMG…please let this work”.  Halleluiah-Halleluiah…it works!  A puffy jacket that would normally take up half the suitcase now only takes up a fraction of the space!  The packed bags with the air sucked put look slightly disgusting, and I am sure the wrinkles may be seriously smashed in there, but that is a problem for another time!  For right now…I will call it “creatively organized” and do the happy dance.  I can get on the plane without paying more for baggage!
"Time of Your Life"  OrtoPilot

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

WANT to do

This has been going on so long I am not sure what normal is anymore.  I do not remember a time (other than recovering from illness or surgery) that I could not physically do anything I wanted to do.  Now I will confess there were many that laughed when I could not do it as good or as long as I wanted to, but there was no question that I could do it. As I recall…those were the times I was typically accused of being “hard headed”.  That name never bothered me, in fact I kind of wore it like a badge of honor, and it went well with the red hair.  Now I find myself questioning everything I want to do.  Am I strong enough?  Will my passion be enough to keep me going? No doctor ever explained the frustration that would happen between what I want to do and what my heart will allow my body to do…Somewhere in the back of my mind I felt like the more I could do the more I would be liked….


"Try" Colbie Caillat

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Scared Shitless....


Nothing used to scare me….well, almost nothing.  I find little fears slipping in between the cracks.  The big “holy crap” health stuff that should scare me are kind of “meh”.  But the little things had me in an out and out panic yesterday!  I had to sit down and have a talk with myself several times. They all started out the same way….What the fuck is wrong with me?  I used to do things like this without a second thought, now I am scared and second guessing myself.  So according to this quote, I am fixing to have a HUGE adventure!

"No Such Thing" John Mayer

Sunday, March 19, 2017

Damn.....I Missed it

Damn….my own opening…
well not just my opening, but an opening with my work there.  Not just any work, but the first time a piece of my sculpture was accepted into a juried show.  Although I know it is not a sure thing or a verifiable thing, I am taking this as validation that I am headed in the right direction and this new medium can have some real artistic value… I friggen’ missed it!
Somedays heart failure raises its ugly head and aggressively marches into my life.  It reminds me of a demanding toddler having a tantrum, screaming, stamping its feet and demanding my attention.  For the most part, the best thing I can do is ignore it, knowing that it (the temper tantrum and heart failure symptom) will go away sooner.  But then there are those days,  regardless of how hard I try….it is bigger than I can ignore….and I lose important days of my life.
(barely evident in this pic, my piece is way back there, to the left of the portrait)
"Mad World" Gary Jules

Saturday, March 18, 2017

inspiration is waiting for me in the art....

I have the heart and the intuition but I seem to be losing courage and I am definitely short on stamina
….damn….!

I am desperately trying to figure out how to stay busy, how to keep growing, how to be relevant and continue to be a viable contributing human being artist.  That all sounds so ridiculous, which is exactly why is becomes so frustrating especially when I have an idea about what I think I want to do, but my body is chronically telling….no way bitch!  I am really looking forward to teaching again this summer in Casselberry.  Maybe I can figure out some other things I can do…successfully…But in the mean time I am so very excited about seeing all of the museums while on the art and the NY City trip!  Perhaps inspiration waiting for me, in all of the art I am going to see!
"Don't Give Up"  Herbie Hancock, Pink, John Ledger

Friday, March 17, 2017

....but I just cannot sit back and do nothing....

How do we get to the place where we raise big money, business above people?  How can anyone consider doing away with the arts, humanities, children’s free school lunches, meals on wheels and then reconfigure health care to the point where the ones that really really need it, will not be able to afford it.  How can this be the country I loved and respected all of my life?  How was a president elected that lies, bullies and berates anyone that does not agree with him.  How can senators and congressmen  kowtow and look away from the idea of common sense and common good to “buy” favor and money from big business lobbies. How did we get to this place?  And I wonder if my pathetic resistance does any good at all....but I just cannot sit back and do nothing....


"Put a Little Love in Your Heart"  Jackie DeShannon

Thursday, March 16, 2017

The Cheetos are gone....


When I have so so much to be incredibly grateful for, I still continue to feel a sense of loss that will in the least expected moments over take me….and I find myself quietly and embarrassingly crying to myself.  Fear and finances kept me from so much that I really wanted to do with my life and now there is a whole other layer of fear.  Experiencing a body that does not physically support me makes fear and finances seem so silly and small.  I really have not appreciated the gifts I have been given. I should have done so much more!


"Details in the Fabric"  Jason Mraz

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Because I am the Nana... and I can!




The absolute cutest bundle of energy and smiles I have ever known! Sweet enough to smile and charm the britches off of anyone, but just enough spice to keep you wondering what she is planning to do next....she is thinking all of the time! She is the reason I can brag all I want to!


"Bubbly" Colbie Caillat

Just live, make mistakes....

I have had a life full of those wonderful memories but I have also had more than my share of colossal mistakes!  I constantly second guess who I am and where I am going.  I try like hooey to accept them (the mistakes) as part of the life lessons that have made me who I am today….but I continue to beat myself up for each and every one of them. I wish that part of me that metabolizes hurt and pain into to real life; character building experiences would hurry up and kick in! "Just live, make mistakes....

"Photographs"  Ed Sheeran