life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

it may be so wrong....

I am moving forward by the seat of my pants (or lack there of). 
No…. I do not know what I am doing, but is there really ever a “sure thing”?   It may be so wrong and then again it might be so right.  I may have time to fix it if I am wrong, I might not.  The important part, for me, is that I am doing it my way.  AND…it has worked for me so far!  Well, kind of…
"Girl"  The Beatles

And after the second day of twisting wire and tape the girls are about ready for clay boobs and bottoms and who knows what else! Thought I might mount them on a single long "bench" but I am kind of liking the separate pedestals....hmmmmm? Need to think about that.

I am enjoying the "process"...I am slow s hell, have no idea what I am doing but I am liking it!

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Louder than any of my words....



Old, 
strong, 
balanced,
multi-dimensional, 
poorly proportioned, 
not standing up straight-
but still standing, 
supported and 
suspended at the same time, 
broken and still beautiful
….alone…

 
"It's Amazing"  Jem

Monday, August 22, 2016

Stand back.....it is Monday!

Days and weeks come and go….Some are better than others, but I am thrilled that last week is over. Last week's doc appointments and test results broke me hard.  Unlike most, I am welcoming Monday morning, a new week-a new beginning.  I may not get to have a full “do over” but I am giving myself permission to look at this new heart issue from a new point of view. Well actually the same issue, it is just changing and creating new challenges and a new set of decisions.to make.  Monday morning gives me a fresh week and the promise of more time to come back “full of heartbreakingly beautiful scars”…  You might want to stand back, just a bit, because I can mend like a MF!

"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb

Sunday, August 21, 2016

IT is the SHIT!

Each of us knows stories, have seen movies, read books about how someone beat the odds and thrived, won the game, had a miraculous recovery, found love, and achieved peace….Whatever good they wanted.  Being passionate is the one magic ingredient that is present in every successful scenario!  
Why don’t they teach this in schools???
Its free, it is in each of us it does not always scream at you announcing itself as your passion, it begins as a little whisper in your head….”this feels good….I am kind of good at it….I like it“ and it may not be just one thing, it might be several undefined things, ideas, talents that are in you. Passion isn’t always about the traditional lovers and loving, but it can be.  It can produce the same feelings of unlimited joy and happiness!
I promise it is there for each of us; it is the one gift that the universe gives everyone of us.  Be passionate….it truly is the shit!!
"Shine On"  Eric Bibb

Saturday, August 20, 2016

All I need to do....

Yesterday was a “come Jesus moment”…I have known, lived and been party to the fact that heart failure is terminal, I even had what amounted to a back room confession from a PA some time ago that my prognosis was about 6 years.  Although I wanted to know how long, when I got it, it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull, I am going to beat this!  Yesterday, 2 months short of my 6 years, and after a year of absolute hellish surgeries and long miserable recoveries, they suspect something is going bad...again.... and have scheduled ugly tests.  It was like I was socked in the gut….hard… Now all I need to figure out why “I HAVE to” keep doing this. 
"Connected"  Eric Bibb
Just a side note….Religion, Church and/or Jesus have nothing to do with this, there is no magic… but my connections to the universe, connections to life, love, friends, family, creativity and the mysteries of life and death do. Those are my connections, those are my reasons, there is my why! 

Friday, August 19, 2016

Being an artist means....

I took a lesson from Neil Gaiman….

“And when things get tough, this is what you should do.
Make good art...
I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art.
Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art.
IRS on your trail? Make good art.
Cat exploded in the microwave? Make good art.
Somebody online thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before? Make good art.
Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art......Make it on the good days too.”
So...Did it make things any better...no…
but I lived through it, and I will keep living through it, until I don’t.  
"Heal Yourself"   Ruthie Foster

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Pushing....(healing in the studio)

Sketching….kind of...but the point is I would like to do some sculpture that hangs on the wall….and not base relief. I want life in 3-D. So canvas with an extra bar on the back will hold a small shelf that I can mount the work on….New tools...new-ish medium...the wire and aluminum foil armature and the clay goes on. Pushing past my comfort zone...into the new or back to who I used to be.

"When Angels Cry"  Janis Ian
She is still on her temporary mount but I think I am pleased with her finish.  Time for me to quit before I screw it up!

Head vs. Heart

My heart is broken, but it is still strong and healing. It is my head that I need to worry about. My head is where I have stashed all of the memories that still hurt me, they are the ones that cut through me like a razor blade.
My head keeps me awake all night, makes me cry and destroys me over and over and over again.  I just need to convince my head to let go, because my heart already knows how to heal.


"We Don't Care"  Eric Bibb

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

How this story ends!




Rumbling with the truth is wearing my ass out!  “Yes, this is what happened, this is my truth & I will choose how this story ends."  But there are others that do not like my story.  There are others that have control over how and what the rest of my life looks like and we are not on the same page in this story, in fact we are not even in the same book.  They don't know!!!

"They Know"  Eric Bibb

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

or....maybe it is just the heat....

Inner strength is one thing, and it is a great thing, but there is another necessary part that really is best when mixed with it….and that is the physical strength and ability to do what I want/need to do!  I know most think I do a lot, but no one really sees how much I sit in front of this computer or read or sit day dreaming about art projects. Exhaustion is like a heavy black cape that just covers me after the smallest activity.  Simple everyday life and house chores, which granted, I never enjoyed doing now take so much longer and exhaust me I mean, really really wear me out.  I am frustrated that I am working so hard to find and hold on to my emotional inner strength while my physical strength is seems to continue slipping away from me. I am afraid this is how this disease works…and I HATE it!  DAMN! ( or.... maybe it just the summer heat!)                
  
"More o' that"  Eric Bibb

Monday, August 15, 2016

Thank you!

 Champagne Toast & Confetti
There are times that all of this is really all worth it!  But the secret is you have to make it happen for yourself!  If I had one thing I could pass down through the ages that would be it!  I do not mean for this to sound selfish or self-centered, if anything it is exactly the opposite.  Selfish is expecting others to get for you, do for you and pay attention to you….all of the time.   Doing for yourself means not needing anyone or anything. It is a concept I try to live by, but difficult to explain to others. I know I don’t do it very well. 

I do not want to expect anything from anyone. I have such problems asking for help.  I know that I am often thought of as a control freak, but there are times it is hard to explain what I need, and needing help feels like I am conceding and giving into this disease.  I do not want to need, but am learning the hard way that perhaps I do, it is difficult!

So even though I cannot ask, and sometimes appear frustrated when others step in to pick up my slack, I appreciate more than words can say the ones around me that step in and help me.  Thank you all!  You allow me to keep going, keep creating and most of all to keep celebrating my life and creativity.
"Thank You"  Alanis Morissette