life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"



Wednesday, September 28, 2016

I wonder if in the quiet hours if you look in on me.  I wonder if you miss me.  I wonder if you know, if you will ever really know how much I miss you.

May I have a little more courage...please?

Today is first day of class day and I am patiently waiting for my courage and self-confidence to kick in.  EVERY first day of class I wait for it to arrive.  And every first day, regardless of how many times I have done this or how confident I am about the material,  I am still scared shitless and nervous. I wonder if I will ever truly believe that doing this, doing what I love is just not too good to be true and may blow up in my face any moment now.  And then I realize doing anything else would be dangerously close to normal.  This takes so much courage and commitment but it gives back so much more.  More than I can possibly explain and always always  always  worth it!

"Digging for Your Dream"  Indigo Girls

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

Build a Wall Here....

I know ..I know...I promised myself I wouldn't but....
In addition to, rude interruptions, an inability to focus on the topic, unprepared rhetoric,  and this does not even address the arrogant rudeness, not paying taxes because he is smart and a host of other egregious statements,  he seems to have an interesting command of the English language when he used  words like "bigly" and “semi-exact”.
(Semi- is a Latin prefix to a verb, noun, or adjective meaning "half" and Exact-marked by strict and particular and complete accordance with fact......WHAT?????)

Yep, we need a wall….but not on the Mexican border!

Forward to what?

I am feeling an awful lot of “you’re always in the same place” lately.  Yes, I am teaching and I love it.  Yes, I am creating in the studio (should be doing more in there) but there is still a feeling of malaise.  Perhaps it is nothing more than my annual “OMG” when will this heat be over end of summer fatigue. There seems to be a feeling of dissatisfaction hanging around me like a cloud. It is time for me to ask the questions and go forward, I just got to figure out what questions and forward to what! Holy Crap!

"Where are You Going"  Dave Matthews Band

Monday, September 26, 2016

Messy, complicated and afraid...

…..but I need to add just a little more to this quote to make it applicable to me.  It does not  seem to matter what my intentions are, the messy, the complicated and the fear always slip in!  Sometimes my difficulties arrive by my own ignorant invitation, other times not by choice at all. They just arrive, demanding my attention! I am learning that simply showing up can sometimes be as horribly damaging and dangerous as not showing up at all.

I have no problem showing up, the challenge is showing up knowing what I need to express and how to do so clearly, showing up focused, confident and kindhearted. 

No matter how I look at it, honoring others, while maintaining my own honor is ….messy, complicated and for me, filled with fear.

"Shine On"  Eric Bibb

Sunday, September 25, 2016

The Big Girl Panties have Fallen Down....

There are days when I just have to say enough is enough!  And today is looking like one of those days.  There have been several days strung together where my body has just plain crapped out on me.  Exhausted, home bound and just plain sick and tired of being sick and tired…. I now publicly and officially declare I have had enough….it is time to get on with it. The Big Girl Panties have fallen down, it is time for me  grab some life and shake it up a bit!

"Hold on I'm Coming"    Sam & Dave

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Sometimes I find beauty, sometimes not....

It is not that I always want to break the rules, but I do question all of them.

I am reminded of the story of the family dinner where mother and daughter are in the kitchen feverishly preparing a family dinner.  The mother instructs the daughter to trim the bottom of the ham before putting it in the pan and then the oven.  The daughter asks her mother “Why do we cut the bottom off of the ham?”  The mother responded “because that is just the way it is done, it is how my mother taught me, and now I am teaching you”.  The daughter still questioning the explanation her mother gave her, called her grandmother to ask “Why do we cut the bottom off of the ham?”  The grandmother quickly answers “so the ham would fit into my pan”.

It makes me wonder how much I am missing so my life fits in someone else’s pan.  So I ask the questions, and I break the rules.  Sometimes I find beauty, sometimes not.

"What a Fool Believes"  Doobie Brothers

Friday, September 23, 2016

Right Way?

What if the right way isn’t the right way for everyone?  What if my idea of success is different?  What if my way of looking at things makes more sense to me than it does to the rest of the world or even my friends and family?  

What then?  What then?  Do I automatically become a bad person, a weird person, a little left of center person?

I can’t find the right way…but  even I will confess…I am not looking for it any more.

"You Will Never Know Me"  Rachel Robinson

Thursday, September 22, 2016


I want the new experience….it is the never can go back that scares the be-jesus out of me!  For the most part I need to admit to myself that I would not be seeking a new experience, whether creative or personal if my soul was not craving it on some level.  I know deep down on some unspoken level that growth will never happen inside my comfort zone, but there it is….my comfort zone.  The place where nothing is challenged, where I am assured I am safe, where there is no argument or dissent.  I have spent a life time making sure everyone else was stable, sheltered, secure and happy!  And there it is the wretched “happy place” where my role was clearly defined.  The place  I refused to move beyond .  It is time to stretch, before it is just plain too late!
"If You Could Read my Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

It's a Beatles thing!  You may or may not have noticed that the last few posts had Beatles songs.  So at the risk of sounding like a commercial....I did see Ron Howards new documentary about the early years and touring of  the Beatles "Eight Days a Week".  As a teenager I loved the music and have continued to love their music without having any idea what, how much and when things were happening behind the scenes.  This was truly interesting!  So once again I have been bitten by the music of the Beatles. is streaming now on HULU.

What makes the difference?

I think in the life of a creative, “make a difference” comes with an understood “screw up royally and regularly” clause attached.  Surely that has to be a part of making a difference!  I know, in fact I teach creatives that imploding, morally, emotionally and/or financially is not a predestined requisite of being an artist, but when I look back on the most flamboyant….. those are typically the artists we remember.  Is that expectation created by the artists or the audiences?  Was it their unique  art work, their eccentric lifestyle or their ability to break rules  that gives them that ability to not care what other think that is truly responsible for them making a difference? And  specifically what is it that makes a difference?

"Got to Get you in my Life" The Beatles

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

This Failure Thing.....

Oh thank God….the Universe…Allah…Buddha…and/or the great Poo-bah!  Because I got this failure thing working for me! I must be gearing up for some serious innovation and creativity!

"I'm a Loser"  The Beatles

Monday, September 19, 2016

Unimaginable AMAZING possibilities.....

I cannot begin to imagine what lies ahead of me, I do not think any of us can know for certain from one day to the next.  I just want to know for all of the fear I have for the future that there will be equal amounts of joy!  If there is a divine balance, and I believe there is…..this is just how it will be.  So I continue to keep my heart and life open to all of the unimaginable amazing possibilities!

"Blackbird"  The Beatles