life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure. I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Goals....


Ah…this one has been around for a while, but I need to re-remind myself what it all means every now and again.  Those 4 words came from a book group study.  “Desire Mapping” by Danielle LaPorte.  The subject was about goal setting, but it came at it from a whole new perspective!  Instead of setting long term goals that may or not be achieved and regardless of which it is, both of those possible outcomes present the obvious question "What next?" or beating myself up emotionally because I did not achieve it.   This book got me to rethink goals in terms of how I want to feel EVERY DAY.  These are my goals for how I want to feel every single day I am here.  Everything else will fall into place if I can keep these 4 feelings in front of my daily existence. Life and shit happens! I have had my share of both, as I am sure most of us have.  Long term desires and goals get sidelined.  But my daily emotional goals get me through it all! excited, fearless, connected, passionate....yes!
"The Life I Know"  India Arie

Sunday, May 24, 2020

More Confessions from a Control Freak.




For someone that had so much control of my own life in most areas, there were clear and obvious areas that I did not! The overwhelming changes in my life the last couple of years have truly pointed this out, along with gross amounts of fear and vulnerabilities that are now ever-present.  I am giving up and have no desire to control anything that has the power to “talk back”.  I am enjoying “Not My Cat”, working on much overdue house projects, dotted with small sewing or garden projects.  Yes….I am still a control freak, but I am choosing more carefully the areas of life that I have a small shot at having some control of!


"All Star" OrtoPilot

Thursday, May 21, 2020

The Junk Man Cometh!

It has taken a while to get this far, but here I am!  Made an appointment with “Got Junk?” to root out the old picture frame equipment, picture frame molding AND the front storage room….whew! I have been watching too many episodes of “Hoarders”! The last thing on my list of “need to get done” is a plumber to fix the studio bathroom toilet…Finally I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel!


"Closer to Fine" Indigo Girls

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Even when what is true is pain...


“When sudden death erupts into your life, your whole way of understanding the world is rocked. Previous interests – even things you loved – can seem futile.
You aren’t the person you were before. This experience of love that you’re living has knocked you off course. When you gain your footing again – and that takes the time it takes – you’re going to be facing a different direction. You’ll have to find out how you fit here now, who you are in this new place.” ~Megan Devine

As I began to “re-enter” my life, I realize how much it has changed.  I am not sure if it is me, or everyone else.  I suspect it is me.  When I had an idea, a plan, or a problem Skip and I talked it over, figured it out, made a plan.  Then we moved forward, we did not care what other people thought. Then we would celebrate or fail together, carrying the brunt of responsibility together.  Now it is all on me.  All of the self-help books tell me to get out there, make connections, but it just is not working out.  I am uncomfortable, the creators I always felt were like me risk-takers, trailblazers, rule-breakers the lovers of different, the pushers of the envelope are frozen by fear.  I am still here, I still have so much learning to do…but I have to be careful about how I fill in the blank spaces.  Fear cannot be a part of my life.  I have to learn to make my own decisions, own my own failures and successes.
"I am Here, I am not Here" Julia Stone

Sunday, May 17, 2020

This Box has to go!

But I am running into lots of people that sure do like their boxes!  I do not want to waste a moment of life and those boxes that other people have created for the rest of us to live in…suck.  Yes, there are some “boxes” that we must work in…. Like traffic rules, the IRS, laws, city codes, and a few others but most of the boxes are created out of our own fear.  I was up all night last night….panicked and afraid!  Afraid because 2 people knocked on my door and when I had Alexa turn on the light, they ducked under the camera and ran.  They were probably kids…. but I could not climb out of that “fear” box.  I was up and down all night afraid they would come back. I cannot let fear creep into my life. Not now!                                             This BOX has to go!

"Fear" Jazmine Sulivan

Friday, May 15, 2020

...and a new bed spread!








It has been an ugly week of being a grown-up  Possum catching, AC fixing, water main breaking, and a doctor’s appointment on top of the regular nurse visit.  It was nice to get chocolates for Mother’s Day and I bought myself a new bedspread.  It has not been all bad! But this “adulting” thing….more chocolate please!

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"All You Need is Love"  The Beatles

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

The Buggar Thinks he has Won!


I have been beaten by a possum….and yes, I know I spelled it wrong…on some level I am claiming it as a victory because every other way he/she has won and I have had to contact a professional.  The buggar thinks he has won, but I have pulled out the big guns and my wallet!

I understand what these creatures are docile and a good thing for the environment, but…they are a BAD thing for my attic and my cat.  Two rather expensive trips to the vet's office, treating Not My Cat for bites and scratches created by most certainly “something than another cat” combined with my sighting of a possum in the back yard, a torn soffit vent screen, and my son actually seeing possum poop in the attic has confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a “freeloader” wreaking havoc at my house!  And then the possum catcher said there is a chance the possum urine may seep through the insulation and the ceiling drywall.  GROSSSSSS!!!  As it turns out…attic possum catchers may fall right under plumbers and electricians when it comes to the cost of service.  But here I am in the middle of possum remediation, including animal removal, sanitation, mitigation, and securing all possible entry points.  My only hope at this point is that my empty wallet will equal an empty attic!  I really hate being a grown-up sometimes! Nobody ever explained this part of living alone!

"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

Showing too much


Every time I write here, I feel like I am whining, complaining, exposing, being too personal, or being everything, I was taught I should not do…showing too much of myself, but here I am…doing it almost every day.  I am certain that on some mental-emotional level it is the best thing I can do for myself.  It is the best way for anyone that really wants to know me, and how I am surviving life and death, Skip’s and my own, I am leaving a record.  I am also leaving written evidence of how much I hate being a grown-up!  I hope like hell, that Neil Gaiman is right and maybe I am starting to get this right!

"The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Scotch in the waiting room...


I am not a believer in heaven where we all live happily ever after in the bosom of your family after death, but it was hard to deny the smile that crawled across my face today, as imagined Skip and my Mother together.  

Much earlier in our married life, I had one hell of a battle with my kidneys. Seven major operations in 2 years…followed by 5 more in the next few years. It was a struggle for newlyweds and a new family. Skip and my Mother had established a surgical waiting room ritual that involved a flask of scotch. They developed a relationship over the hours of waiting and that flask that I would never really be a part of, but clearly, something very special between a mother in law and son in law was born. There is some unexplainable feeling of comfort today as I ridiculously imagine the 2 of them in some waiting room, telling each other stories, assuring each other I would be fine, laughing with their scotch, waiting for me. I will finally get to know their scotch, secrets, and stories!

 
"Into the Mystic" Van Morrison

Next to the last first....


This first year is not over yet but what it is full of is “firsts without you” Halloween, Thanksgiving,  45th wedding anniversary, Christmas, New year’s, Valentine's, and the list goes on.  Each one is like another stab through my heart, but each one I survive.  As your 69th birthday arrives, I realize this may be the “last FIRST” until the anniversary of your death in Aug.

From then on, my heart will know what to expect, it will no longer be an overwhelming and debilitating  loss of emotional control but it will always be the source of memories and love and loss.


" I will"  Ben Taylor

Monday, May 11, 2020

Your Bell...






Your bell still rings all day and all night.  I cannot see you or touch you anymore, but I can hear you and feel you, I know you are here with me, in our little house waiting for us to be together again.  I am trying to make you proud of me and be a strong woman you made me, but it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do…I miss you so very much!


"Till There was You"  The Beatles

Sunday, May 10, 2020

What I Give Power to, has Power Over me....


I did not plan for any of this…a widow with terminal and end-stage heart failure. It sucks.  And yes, there are times when it hurts like hell, there are days, if I had a choice, I would throw my hands up and scream “I Quit” doing this alone only seems to compound the fear and loss...or maybe not, since I have only seen this from this one perspective.  But I am learning daily that I do have the power to find and control a good part of this. It actually falls into what I have always felt but somehow could not apply to my own situations.  “I cannot control what happens to me, but I can control how I react to it”.   It does all begin and end in my own mind…


"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb