life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"



Friday, January 20, 2017


I am not sure I have ever been so grateful for “ALT” TV! 
I have tried over and over and over again to give this almost president… my honor and respect and each time he proves he does not deserve it….My sons would have been punished for making up stories for no other reason than degrade and undermine others…calling people debasing names…humiliating women….lying about money business dealings…making undeliverable promises…taking credit for other people’s work….cheating people….  I never supported that kind of behavior then, and I cannot celebrate or watch it today.

With sincere apologies and a desire to do the right thing I can forgive anyone and anything…but....

"Same as it Ever Was"  Michael Franti

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Middle finger at the ready!

Yeh..yeh…I am working on it…But it is not easy!

There is a fine, wicked and difficult line to cross when we get to this point in life, and there are not many that are even willing to talk about it…and this includes me.  I made a decision to move forward.   I want the same medical industry that has frustrated the hooey out of me, to reply and respect my decision.  But at this point there has been absolutely no response.  I guess I should not be surprised; I just need to stick to my guns, be strong, and keep my middle finger at the ready!

"Waiting for my Real Life to Begin"  Colin Hay

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

Palliative Care

My dear friends, this is not how I wanted to share this with you, so please accept my apologies right up front. The thought of calling each of you separately and having to explain it  over and over again, was more than I could do...But it was important to me  that you hear this from me with calm resolved love and I did not want you to find out from others and panic unnecessarily.   Six weeks ago, after long soul searching and 6 years of extremely difficult, painful and expensive curative care I chose to begin palliative care through a local hospice organization.
I know the word hospice is scary, believe me...I know, but I need you all to understand that it is different now.  Hospice is the only way, in the state of Florida where terminal patients can receive palliative care, and palliative care is the type of medical care that is going to help me have the best  most productive, happy life I possibly can with all of the medical and emotional support I need.
Before making this decision, I had the most amazing opportunity to spend some time with a nationally known palliative care physician, Dr. Ihrig, He has been a magnificent gift to me and we still communicate via email and phone. It was a strange and unusual set of circumstances that brought him into my life and I truly believe that the Universe had a great deal to do with it.  He has a TED talk that I suspect will explain palliative care and my feelings much better than I ever could,  I have included his video if you want to understand more.  I love you all…. And I need you to know….I am not quitting….I am choosing to live the best life I can!

Ya' think ???

For those that think I have my shit together….all I can say is….I believe they are still accepting nominations for this years “Oscars”, I’ll send you the form, you can write in my name!

Between life changes, Trump inauguration (aughhhh), and general massive frustration, I feel like the tarnish is settling in on my “sparkle”.  Maybe I just need to go out somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs…hit something or someone.  Because I need my fucking sparkle…that’s why!

"Angry Eyes"  Loggins & Messina
I forgot how GREAT this song was, listening to it again...and again...and again

Friday, January 13, 2017

Secret Language

I have heard this all my life, gave it lip service all of my life, but did not really understand what it meant until recently.  I think I have mentioned before that the work has almost become my secret language.  I can say just about anything I want to say, regardless of how rude, opinionated, or inappropriate it may be….I can say it.  The fact that most will not understand it does not seem to make a difference to me….I just need to say it…and it does feel very good to say it.

"Everybody's Talking"  Harry Nilson

Thursday, January 12, 2017


Up early, photographed work (that was finished enough to photo, but still needs work),corrected and formatted for submission, then sent them to "Nude Nite"now I cross my fingers and.... w a i t.
The worst part of all of this!
"Say What You Need to Say" 40 x 60
"Curves" 22 x 32

"Art" Tanya Davis

Looked into a fire and smiling!

It has been a week (and then some)….I had all but thrown my hands up and said “I quit” it has been a really really hard couple of months!  Then after saying “no” I am too sick to do Nude Nite this year….I asked myself why…..why not?  It is doing what I love doing. Creating and painting may just be how I have learned to love myself.  The last few days have been particularly brutal, failing frequently trying to create something new and different (for me).  I am pooped, I am sore, and my brain is “mush” but I have finished, well finished  and satisfied enough to photograph and send into the jury.  

I have looked into the fire and I am smiling!  Stay tuned for whether or not I am accepted in the exhibition!

"Bruised not Broken"  Joss Sone

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Say it OUT LOUD!

Energy….I want more ‘effing energy. 

I want to paint and create and LIVE . 
I want my heart to work right. 
I want a life of happy, creative, fun, loving, and yes….. perhaps a little naughty  stuff!

(I have pushed way past my boundary painting for Nude Nite…..I hope I get in!)

And since I have never said it out loud....
"Trump is an asshole"!

"Say What You Want to"  Sheryl Crow

So here is a new know you are just way too tired when you step into the shower while still wearing your underwear....Holy Crap!

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I am busy...... painting

It is hard to explain….when so much of life has been spent taking care of others, taking care of me often makes me feel guilty and selfish…..although I will confess…that when I am creating I have no problem saying not now, later or NO.  

So please add “I am busy painting” first on this list!

"Turn, Turn, Turn"  The Byrds

Monday, January 9, 2017

Say What You Need to Say.....progress...

OMG…I think it might work!....2 days….no sagging….wish I could say the same thing about me!  Got other weirdness in the works that are equally, if not more engineering-ly challenged. Now that I know it will work, I can keep working and finish... AND NO…I just do not seem to be able to work flat.

"Say What You Need to Say"  John Mayer

"Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
 Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
It's better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open (a wide heart)
 Say what you need to say"

John Mayer

...and bite me in the ass

There are some days that feel just like this...  I do not plan them….they do not announce themselves…they just happen.  They sneak up behind me when I least expect them and quite frankly when I think I am at my most vulnerable.....and bite me in the ass.  I know all creating comes with disgusting amounts of doubt and fear, but yesterday the emotional and physical exhaustion  it produced, bit me in the ass, chewed me up, and then spit me out!

"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Woman Driver

This silly little “bean car” (because from the side it looks like a bean) has been around for all of the Evans grandchildren!  Beginning with Oliver 13 years ago.  I found it at a neighborhood garage sale, who knows how old it was even then.  Our first “drives” with Oliver were in St. Augustine at the Christmas parade.  It has been a part of every Evans little person since then.  Nana’s  silly little “bean car” has a new home and its very first woman driver and its very last Evans little driver, but oh my is she a cute one!

"Drive My Car"  The Beatles

Friday, January 6, 2017

FEISTY is on the way!

I have been officially labeled non-compliant for a while now….no big deal….but then yesterday I received an email regarding my s-icd that reminded me I should be proud of it! In fact, I am fairly certain, they should be the ones labeled non-compliant! Holy Crap! Watch out..... FEISTY is on it's way!

"I'm a Loser" The Beatles