life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Monday, May 28, 2012

Do not tell me…

what I cannot do... This heart, this body is well suited for telling me what I can and cannot do and right now it is telling me to push harder than I (my family, my friends and the doctors) ever thought possible. It is telling me to live now, live every moment to its fullest and embrace every incredible miracle! My physical heart may have some limitations but my emotional heart and my life are limitless. I will not lie down and quit, I will not waste my life regretting what I did not do! Do not tell me what I cannot do….not now!

Friday, May 25, 2012

5 more things....

I am grateful for

1.        AMAZING creative friends!  Not only talented,  but an absolute blast to be around.  How did I get so flippin lucky!?

2.       SISTERS…..whew!  Can never have enough, and I have the best! 

3.       My little studio, crammed full of colors and fun stuff, memories of what I used to be and the promise of what can still be!

4.       A husband that does not expect crappy “wifey woman” stuff.   If house chores and cooking don't get done because I am in the studio working (or having a bad day) NO BIG DEAL….

5.       And again - and always….my incredible heart!

Screwing Up My Courage!

Knees are shaking, heart is pounding…
This year’s summer Artist’s Way group is about to begin and my first thought is to run like hell to a safe hide out.  I worry that I will not have enough breath to talk as much as I need to especially the first class, when it is all me. 
I wonder how many of the new members of the group, will notice. 
Or will they care?
Can I be as candid, outrageous and enthusiastic as I need to be?  Can I still dance, sing and laugh like I used to? 
Can I let go of all of my fears and ego to embrace my own creativity enough to guide them back to theirs?
I have mourned the loss of the life I knew waiting patiently for a new life to miraculously appear…
It has not….
I am the one that allowed heart failure to take them away from me and now I want them back! 
It is time for me to screw up my courage and go get my life!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My Imagination...

I want to run away, hide from the world, dance on the deck under a full moon, skinny dip at sunrise, read silly books in deep comfy chairs, make sweet passionate love, sip wine at sunset and let the real world pass me by without  knowing I am here.
                                                                                My once in a "blue moon"!  

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

A Week in the Studio...


The house is a mess, weeds have taken over the flower bed, I have not cooked a thing in days (this is a good thing!), folded clean laundry stacked, but not put away and it does not bother me one bit!

I have nasty methylcellulose (from the wet layered papers) stuck in places on my body it should never be, and a cloud of chalk dust that follows me around like Pig-Pen in the Charley Brown comic strips.

Between paper layers drying, I’ve sung and danced (badly) to The Beatles, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Van Morrison, Led Zeppelin, Chicago , etc. as it blasts through the house (surprised the neighbors have not complained…yet)

The studio smells like an industrial “haz-mat” area from all of the spray fixative

I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to all of my doubt and fear.

“Look out world…...SHEEEEEEEES BACK!”

There is NO drug in this world that could give this life back to me!

I had to figure it out alone...It had to be me...It is me!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Renaissance

"Play Me"

Ideas and work are exploding in my heart, head and studio.  For such a long time I have avoided going back to the layered paper pastel.  I did not want to fall back into the “it’s all about the marketing art production” and for all of the years I worked in the layered papers it required hours of standing on my feet.  I did not feel I like I would ever do this again.  My acts of creation have always been upright and active, I convinced myself that I could not do it any other way and grieved the loss.  How empowering to discover ….I can… still do it!


"You are the sun, I am the moon
You are the song, I am the tune,
Play me"             Neil Diamond

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Blowing My Own Horn



"It's Complicated"


So much healing available to me when I am willing to look at my whole life, not just the “pretty”, “did it right” parts.  For the very first time ever, I am blowing my own horn and exposing the dark crooked places in my own heart, to me.

Monday, May 14, 2012

5 more things...


5 More Things I am Grateful for…

1.       My 2 wonderful sons, they have grown into such amazing men, and I am so proud of everything they are and will continue to accomplish in their lives.  Don’t know what I did to deserve the honor that brought them into my life, but I am so incredibly grateful!

2.       Another pile of dirty laundry (I hate laundry) but that pile of dirty clothes is a visual/physical reminder of the amazing living that was done this week, and I am grateful.

3.       My most magnificent heart, that even under the most difficult situations continues to do an awe-inspiring job of supporting my body and receiving glorious love.  I am grateful!

4.       The exciting new opportunity of an exhibition in August to create and show my art works.  That people still believe in me and my art work still has value.  I am grateful!

5.       My friends and family that love me, that I know are there to pick me up when I fall, but stand out of my way and let me fly.  There is no bigger gift they could give me and I am more grateful than any of them will ever know!

Next...

Just finished another semester,  the painted baby grand piano is finished and has had an exciting very successful unveiling with jazz singer Miss Jacqueline Jones, and the grand children have come and gone. 

The last 2 weeks were brutally busy!
What most people do not understand, and what no one tells you…. is how much unbridled energy comes from the doing! (NOT conserving my energy!)  Yes- it is hard….Yes-there were 4 times (that I will admit to) breaking down and crying that I just could not do this anymore, Yes-there were frustrating  times that I fell out and slept for hours in the middle of the day but the biggest YES of all….. I did it anyway!

Looking forward to summer and all of the exciting things I will be doing NEXT!

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Wings & Pitch Forks

If an angel earns her wings every time a bell rings, Then I truly qualified for a pitchfork every time the text message signaled. Wicked wicked fun, the most I have laughed in years. The first time anyone has seen me as a real (not sick) person in what feels like forever. OMG…. I so needed this!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I want her back

My well  worn  art show chair, a glass of pinot, a rising full moon, and a heart full of memories and my imagination should be soaring forward.  But, I am finding it is so much easier to drift backwards when I was confidently clear about who I was and where I was going.   Where is that Cheryl, I want her back!

That Cheryl  would never be afraid of teaching a new class; she would be reveling in anticipation.   I want her back.
   
That Cheryl would be dancing in moonlight celebrating a new exhibition opening  not second guessing herself, scared to death. 
I want her back!  Damn it, I want her back!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Screwed up my courage and stepped on- or-over so many traditional boundaries yesterday that I have certainly set a record somewhere! 
It was terrific… 
So…. here is what I figured out in one afternoon
There is a huge amount of energy and power in doing what scares me. 
Feel the fear and do it anyway!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Nap Attack!!!

Getting to be a part of a dear creative friend’s  preparations to “launch” on to the art show circuit was a hoot!  Quite by coincidence, she bought a tent just like mine.  We had a tent virgin practice set up, in the front yard that involved wrestling  with “miles “ of canvas and retractable poles  not to mention all of the little tips and tricks  Skip and I have learned over the years including how to build the infamous Evans' Art Show Lanai….. so many grand stories happened behind our tent!   I had great fun watching them begin this adventure and for just a little while, I lived vicariously through them, but it also reminded me how much I loved and miss this life.

Could have been the belly laughs as we set that tent up for the first time or the bout of feeling sorry for myself  when they left or a combination of both,  but I was attacked by a nasty nap that snuck up on me …... I hate when that happens!