life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Friday, July 13, 2018

Such an honor!

Overwhelmed and probably one of the luckiest people in the world!  I knew the City was doing an article about the summer AW exhibition but this is such an honor!  This great creative life has not only allowed me to generate an income (not millions but an income) I have met so many great amazing creatives and could not possibly get any better than this.....Such an honor!

Thursday, July 12, 2018

Practice, balance and focus...optimism...I hope

I am trying…I am trying but it is not that easy anymore.  Not that it was ever that easy….but holy crap…today’s political climate makes practicing reckless optimism more difficult than ever!   The wholesale negativity that is constantly slathered over our country adds a whole new layer of crap to cut through on a daily basis. The only way I can balance this out, keep the negativity of it from swallowing me whole is to create more… I need to provide some balance in my world.  Practicing reckless optimism, for me, means practicing more, different, challenging creativity.  It is the only way I have to keep from suffering through some of the horrific politics and human rights atrocities in this country. I have to keep some kind of perspective these days.  I am certain I would be in a constant state of depression or would have “checked out” completely if I did not have the creativity to fall back on to keep me balanced and focused.  Who would have thought balance and focus would be the words I would use to describe creativity?  But in today’s politically volatile environment, it is.  Now I understand from a whole new perspective, how and why the Renaissance happened.  History does repeat itself, the only question is which period of history is repeating and has anyone been paying attention?
"No Other Way"  Jack Johnson"

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

We might all learn...

This one really bites.  I have to admit my level of frustration has hit an all-time high in these divisive times.  But at the risk of undoing this lovely sentiment…it is really not any of the #1  issues, although that is what we want to blame, that truly drives me crazy.  It is the sheer amount of ignorance or the unwillingness to listen that is truly the reason for this discord.  It is the use of “holier than thou” religion to justify misogyny, ignorance, and prejudice.  If you study carefully, you will come to understand that the true root of all of this world’s hate, evil,  and every single war throughout history always, always boils down to one or both of these two reasons, and typically they are found working together…GREED and RELIGION!  I suspect greed is an ugly part of human nature and will be a dark part of each of us, a part that we all need to recognize and understand how harmful it can be.  But I believe that religion (almost every religion) is the tool that fans the conflict and convinces us it is ok to politically control others through fear...  Religion is the vehicle that spreads greed and fear.  The intelligent examination of the issue and thorough consideration of love, peace, fairness, and human feelings will point you to the right thing for all people…not just you or your group of common believers.  Joining a tribe of “like minds” because it feels better just to be accepted and liked is never the right thing to do. This is the same mentality, the need to belong, that encourages the hate and violence of street gangs.  Trust the “good” that dwells in all of us, that recognize our differences and celebrate, uphold love and appreciate another's point of view.  That is when we might all listen and learn something loving.
"I believe in Love" Indigo Girls

Monday, July 9, 2018

no stopping this time....

I seem to be in this heinous stop…start…stop…start pattern.  Frustrating as hell!  I get some energy up (often chemically induced, but I really do not care where it comes from or how I get it) and have this tremendous need to begin…something!  House cleaning, sewing projects, creating in the studio anything!  There is so much I want to do and so little energy to do it.  I have tried the slowdown…”little bits at a time” program, it really is not my style but it may be the last and only choice I have if I want to keep being active and productive!  The “spoonie” program (refer to a few weeks back) helps with this but it does not come easy.  So I am just going to start…again…and not stop this time.
"Don't Stop Till You Get Enough"  M Jackson

Friday, July 6, 2018

What else can I do?

I do not think there is anyone that has had a big ugly life change that has not looked around and said “what did I do wrong?” or “what did I do to deserve this?”.  It is not fair…and if you believe in karma… well, there you go!  I deserved this.  Then there is a part of me that races back through my entire life to figure out what I did wrong.  Every bad judgment,  poor decision,  mistake, blunder, miscalculation and/or misstep roars into my head screaming at my heart…” you did this and now you will pay for it”!

Sadly the one thing I have learned through this process is there is nothing I can do now …to undo what I have done.  The only thing I get to do now is forgive myself and I do not think that will bring me much peace, but I will forgive myself anyway…..what else can I do?
"Same Mistake" James Blount

Thursday, July 5, 2018

And...the lesson is...

Once upon a time…on social media, Facebook specifically, I posted a political opinion, not profane, not a particularly unprecedented idea but a political idea that I felt was worth repeating and expanding on.  The “trump trolls” (my personal and yes I know childlike name for the Trump supporters) arrived in mass and began verbally bullying, tormenting and haranguing …just like Trump himself.  My responses were respectful, clear and, founded in fact, their replies to me were negative, rude and wholly disrespectful of my opinion on my own Facebook feed. 

For a time,  I publically defended myself but to no avail, some of them are like rabid dogs and just do not let go or give up.  My solution was to just “unfriend” them.  The experience was really unpleasant and I decided to just not participate negatively or politically on Facebook anymore. The anti-democratic memes and unsubstantiated theories began to increase on my feed and I realized this may have been their original objective.  Perhaps that was the intent, to keep me and others from having free or opposing opinions and sharing them with others.  

I began to feel a little guilty, I mean am I being fair to myself if I only allow myself to participate,  hear and/or experience one side of an issue. I tiptoed back into political posts on Facebook and a whole new pack of  “trump trolls” began.  Again I tried to have a rational fact-based discussion, but this is not how they operate, they want to talk about the Clintons!  Really…with today’s volatile policies on immigration, foreign policy, and tariffs, they still want to talk about the 2016 election.  

And the lesson is: I will not withhold my opinions, they are as valid as anyone else’s.  If you care to have an open, thoughtful, positive dialog (even if it differs from mine), I am anxious to post,  listen and respond. However, if your purpose is only to bring up unrelated past issues, belittle and berate others that have differing points of view, I have an unfriend button and I am using it copiously.
"For What it's Worth"  Buffalo Springfield

Monday, July 2, 2018

On days like these...

Woke up this morning and really looked at me….saw the effects of the steroids are having on my physical body that was already way off the charts of normal…I do not need any help in the abnormal department.  I noticed all of the wrinkles and the gray hair (which I promptly took care of…thank you Loreal!) but the wrinkles and the round lumps and bumps I need to learn how to accept and maybe even love.  This video crossed my page, and it did make me feel a little better and I thought I should save it so I can easily look back at it on days like these.

When do we quit pointing fingers?

I may need my steroids adjusted …lol… feels like I am picking fights...all I can say is maybe it is better to grouse on the internet than at my family…All of that being said I would like to share a recent (yesterday) experience. 

At the end of last week, there was a Senate hearing with Chris Wray and Rod Rosenstein.  I confess I did not watch it all, only the highlights, but was absolutely amazed at how heated and non-statesmanlike the exchanges became…embarrassing even.  The bone of contention was about stopping the Mueller investigation and on some level impugning the investigative process and the Justice Departments work.  It was to that end, that I posted a meme on FB.  It was a picture of past politicians comparing the length of time they had been investigated and the number of indictments and convictions with the current Mueller investigations.  I thought it was an excellent way to compare and visually state the case that the current investigation has taken much less time, produced many many more indictments, and guilty pleas already and if nothing else that must clearly signify that continuing this investigation is important.  After all, if he is innocent there is nothing to worry about.

But NO…it brought out another hornet's nest of “Trump Trolls” whose only argument to anything that is happening politically is to march out the past administration actions as if that should excuse, explain and justify the abominable behavior that is going on in this administration. 

When do we quit pointing fingers and begin to work together towards positive solutions for real-life current political problems?  Open hearts and minds that confine discussions to current problems and solutions must prevail!
"Got to do Better"  Eric Bibb

Sunday, July 1, 2018

But for now I have internet and I am crossing my fingers!

GROUSING AHEAD!                      I am back!  After being told it would be 4 days before CenturyLink technician, and this is the 7th time in 6 months we have had to wait for days to have a repairman tend to a problem that could not be corrected by them “refreshing” our system from their office and that has worked on occasion. We decided it was time to change companies.  In this past year, I have taken advantage of “smart home technology with uses the internet.  We have Alexa placed in several locations throughout the house and I call (phone) via Alexa if I need help and cannot reach my phone.  And after passing out, (which has now become a part of this disease) we decided that a camera and a coded door lock would allow “Help” to get to me, even if I could not get to the door.  I also use it to turn lights on and off so I do not have to walk in the dark to get to the bedroom.  Yes, it is extravagant, but it gives me such peace of mind and allows me to stay as independent as possible for as long as possible. With such unreliable service, I explained that I  wanted to cancel them after 11 years (actually we have been with this company since 1978, but it has been bought out many times) CenturyLink replied I could not cancel them, I had a contract with them until 2019.  When I asked for a copy of that contract, I was transferred 3 times to a man that said it was a verbal contract and I had to have a court order to get a copy of it.  WHAT???? So I have opted to just not pay next month’s bill and return the equipment.  If necessary go to small claims court. That’s all!  And now I hope our new service provider has more consistent service.  But for now I have internet and I am crossing my fingers!
"All Right Now"  Free