life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure. I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Pollock Painting...

There are so few opportunities for artists to create for the sheer enjoyment of celebrating the creative process.

A video lesson from MOMA (Museum of Modern Art, NY) and discussion on Jackson Pollok, abstract expressionism, and his specific techniques was the inspiration of what can only be described as a day of sheer magic and more creative fun than we could have ever imagined! 

How lucky I am to have such fantastic opportunities and phenomenal creative friends!

Monday, December 17, 2012

and we ho-ho-hoooooo-ed!


Saturday, December 15, 2012

38 years...

Nothing changes...Everything changes…

Through 38 years of loving, fighting, births and deaths, we are still here, still together.

And the greatest thing we have learned is being together requires a great deal of being independent, respect for each other’s dreams and the space needed to grow as self-sufficient beings. 

Celebrating the years, living in the experiences, and loving the life we have made. 
Thank you my love, thank you for the years and my awesome life.
...and Thank you Darren, our son and one or our greatest gifts to the world (and ourselves) for celebrating with us and taking us out to dinner.

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Celebrating Synchronicity 12-12-12

and bucket list # 36-DD attempt!!

Celebrating the synchronicity of 12-12-12,
I have screwed up my courage and sent in my application for the 2013 Orlando Nude Nite
cross you fingers!

12-12-12 entry for  a show on 02- 14/15/16- 2013 
Just way too many consecutive numbers not to!
The Universe is SCREAMING at me to do it!

Monday, December 10, 2012

Hats & Sunglasses

A lifelong friend is a blessing, indeed. I do not think there are many who can claim a friend for over 50 years, but I can! The best part of having a dear friend, a bosom buddy, partner in crime, a kick-ass companion is that there are years and years of serious “fun” experience. One phone call, one drop of the hat and it is on! And it was so ON this past Sunday, it was so ON. New purple hats, a few too many “Stellas”, a funky blues band and you have the makings of serious black mail material.

That kind of explains the hats and sunglasses.......

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Morning Coffee and the Gecko!

Just about everyone that has come to visit me, has heard the Tokay Gecko "crowing" but he keeps himself mostly hidden....But this morning when I pulled out my coffee pot to pour in the water he was coming along for the ride! YIKES!!! (video has old crowing mixed with this morning's pics!)
He has lived at our house for 13 years now, in the walls and around the backyard, but every now and again he comes inside for a visit!
This one is baby blue with hot pink to orange spots depending on what time of year. He/she is a Tokay Gecko. According to "experts" they eat cock roaches and small rodents, which may explain why he has been at my house for so long and they have a "nasty" personality (again may explain why he/she has been at my house for so long.) Any way we have a healthy respect for each other, and pretty much do not mess with one another, however this mornings coffee pot ride scared the hoooooooey out of me and may be CROSSING THE "healthy respect for each other" LINE!

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Cinderella Scenario & Bucket List Item #32-B

As a little girl, I was consumed with the Cinderella story. With my very own real life wicked step-mother and step-sisters, I almost had the perfect Cinderella scenario. The only problem was I had the story back ass-wards with my step sisters being absolutely gorgeous, well-proportioned dark haired beauties and I, the Cinderella was the ugly, chubby, curly red headed, clumsy and slow one. I really wanted to be the beautiful Cinderella, with my own fairy godmother, glass slippers and Prince Charming but then doesn’t every little girl?

Life is not the fairy tale I dreamed of. I never got my glass slippers and then I found out there is no such thing as a fairy godmother. But, I have learned that if I want something bad enough, I can get it by doing it for myself.

To that end, I have included my version of glass slippers on my bucket list.  There are, however some serious design modifications.  Realizing that glass high-heeled shoes would be horrifically uncomfortable, I have opted for canvas flats. Here they are, not glamourous, glass, or high heeled, but flat, doodled, and glittered (sure wish the camera flash did not wipe out the glitter sparkles)!
And....I cannot wait to dance in them!

Check off Bucket List item #32-B and bring on my Prince Charming!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

It Stops Life...

My ugly four-letter “F” word is fear.
Nothing has had more impact or done more damage in my life that this little four letter word and all of the repulsive emotions that are lined up behind it.

No more fear...No more fear...

Monday, November 26, 2012

Someone should just strangle them with those lights!

Grouch...Grump....Gripe....Moan....Bitch...Belly Ache...Crab...Fuss & Fume

It is bad enough that Christmas arrives in the stores the week BEFORE Halloween these days, and now with Thanksgiving barely over, the neighbors are stringing Christmas lights on their houses. I have even seen fully decorated Christmas trees through the windows at night. For heaven’s sake, it isn’t even Dec. yet. Bad enough that the stores are doing it, now the neighbors are too.  Someone should just strangle them with those lights! Bah Humbug!!!!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Fire Up the Keg-er-ator, Here Comes Your Momma and the Green Bean Casserole!

Holy CRAP!!!
It is that time of year already and there is a wiff of turkey in the air.  I am lacing up my “go” shoes and getting ready to head out of here.   Last year the official Evan’s Thanksgiving was delightfully non-traditional. We celebrated on Wednesday, the night before, at the Outback Steak House, a thick cut medium rare steak and lots and lots of beer = a full tummy and a nice buzz! .  No cooking, no cleaning, no leftovers.   The PERFECT THANKSGIVING!

I was not always this cynical, there were many many many years that I spent the entire Thanksgiving day in my tiny little kitchen, messing up every pot, pan and dish we owned, producing a semi-perfect Thanksgiving dinner for what felt like a cast of thousands. Then washing all those pots and pans and dishes, and cramming tons of leftovers into an already overwhelmed refrigerator.  I can appreciate the first Thanksgiving story, but have never really understood how that story translates into me wedged in a tiny kitchen all day and night, performing unspeakable heinous acts of cooking....Damn you Pilgrims! 

My version of "Over the River and Through the Woods" is heading up I-75 to Gainesville to spend T-day with my sons, and all of my grandsons (that is all 4 of my little guys), 3 of my best big guys and a smoked turkey with all the trimmings (cooked by #1 son and his awesome wife).  Yes, it will be a very traditional Thanksgiving day, which has not been my style lately, but there will be beer! 
Let me see...No cooking, no cleaning, no leftovers (for me anyway) a full tummy and a nice buzz....hmmmmm- this will fit nicely into my current idea of the perfect Thanksgiving! 

Fire up the keg-er-ator, Jason, here comes your Momma and the green bean casserole!

Oh Momma, Make this Stop!

BARF! No seriously…. BARF!

I hate pills…..they hate me!
New batch-o-pills talking back (ugly) to me! I was told this new stuff would be like magic, I would get so much energy back. AAAAACK!!!!!  I was not counting on that energy being used up running back and forth to the bathroom!   
Oh Momma, make this stop!

Thursday, November 15, 2012

and the Test Results are in....drum roll please!

Drum-roll please…..there is good news and not so good news. Kind of sounds like my life, there are good days and not so good days. But, you know now that I think about it, isn’t that everybody’s life?

First of all 91 on the Logic exam, an 84 on Latin American History, (was marked down 8 points for not citing the (very young, and oh so egotistical) professor’s lectures in my essay.

The medical tests are about the same, there were no perfect 100’s but the final report is respectable and passing. Everything seems to be progressing as expected. However, I had such a spectacular year and was doing so phenomenally well that I had become quite spoiled. We were all kind of hoping that this latest down turn could have been attributed to another, but easily fixed clogged artery, unfortunately that was not the situation (sounds a little nuts that I was hoping for a clogged artery). The recent symptoms are just heart failure doing what heart failure does and heart failure is pretty much self explanatory.

They are adding one crappy medication, the kind I really, really hate, but have agreed to try again.  There is a new happy wrinkle in this story, I now qualify for a new clinical trial medicine that is reported to be getting great results (and bonus...... it is free!).  I am anxious to try anything that might give me back some of my energy.  It is a little scary that they do not understand why this medicine works but hey, I have got nothing to loose here and I have a very busy year ahead of me, an art show (yep you heard me, I am the poster artist for this one), lots and lots of teaching, a kick-butt bucket list to get working on and I am going to need every ounce of energy we can squeeze out of those little pills!

So, stand back, the paint slopping, wine drinking, clay spanking, art hauling Cheryl will be  kicking butt again very soon and I will be expecting a Drum-roll!

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Where the hell is my fairy godmother?

I am sick of reality!  All I really want to do is not pay attention to what my heart is or is not doing. I am convinced that it will do what it will do, and fretting and focusing on what is going on in there only wastes my energy and steals my time. But tomorrow I will have to pay attention and focus on what they tell me, tomorrow I find out what is going on in there and what we are going to do….or not do...and I am scared.  The less I think about it, the better, healthier, and happier I am. But tomorrow for just a little while I have to look reality right in the face and deal with it.  Where the hell is my fairy godmother?

Thursday, November 1, 2012

One test result down….2 more to go!

The worst part about taking tests, I have discovered is not taking the test, but waiting for the results. The Logic mid-term came back, 91/100 and I’ll take it and dance in the streets. Latin American history mid-term is still being graded and I just got a call from the HF Clinic for an appointment in 2 weeks to go over the latest heart stuff.  

The only test I did not have to study for is the one I will have to wait the longest to hear about. I used to file that under the “no news is good news” but in the medical world I have learned the hard way that ain’t necessarily so. In the meantime, I wait.  

All that being said, I had a new kind of angiogram. They slowed my heart down to 45-50 beats per minute and then are able to shoot contrast die into an IV and run me through a CT scan. Whew….that is soooooooo much better than the heart catheter. I will happily wait for those results…if it means I do not have to have that catheter run up a groin artery and lying still for hours!   

One test result down….2 more to go!

The treasure of living life beyond the expected...

Halloween with all of the ghosts, goblins and candy has come and gone and every year I swear that I go be bed with pumpkins and wake up to Christmas trees. These next few weeks fly by, and there is never enough time!

After a week of mid-term exams and hospital tests, we ran away to St. Augustine with our children and grandchildren to play. It was a wonderful weekend, even though hurricane Sandy kept the Pirate ship in port and that entry on my bucket list will have to wait for another time. The ghost hunt and putt-putt golf was not effected by weather and was very fun.

Sometimes the kids are willing to follow my lead, sometimes not. However, the decision to stay at the Casa Yallaha hostel house was fantastic. After years of art shows and staying in hotel rooms that can best be described as monotonous, sterile boxes carved into the side of long undistinguishable hallways, the hostel is a breath of fresh air. No TV’s but oodles of interesting people from all over the world with fascinating conversation, better than any TV program could ever be! I think my socially hygienic sons are beginning to see the treasure of living life beyond the expected.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Sweet-Sweet Good Days!

Whew!  I was way over due for a good day and got a spectacular one today!  A delightful meeting with an art center about teaching! 

Delivered an original piece to its’ new owner.

Delivered I hi-res scan of the Great White Heron that is going to be used for the Leesburg Art Festival poster in March 2013.

Oh how nice to be coming out of that nasty funk!  I understand the ugly days are a necessary part of life.  How would we recognize the good days, if we did not have the bad ones?  Those nasty, ugly, bad days sure do make the good days sweet!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Head vs. Heart

I am just now learning how to “step outside of myself” to look at life and situations from a different, less emotional perspective. When handling difficult circumstances or making important decisions it is the most valuable emotional “ tool” in my box. Working from a strict “head” position has some serious advantages!

It is interesting that in today’s world so much of the media, marketing, medical and political industry are counting on me working strictly from my heart and fear. Fear (heart) is how we are controlled, thinking and common sense (head) is how we stop this.

In a recent medical situation, when I stepped beyond my emotions, and pragmatically looked at what was being done and why, it was grossly evident that these actions were not about my health needs but the desires of the financial and legal liability of others.

Using my head allowed me to take my power back, to listen, to hear and to make an intelligent decision without struggling with my fear and emotions. However, regardless of how much control I have of a situation, I often feel my heart creeping in to complicate the issue.

My heart, my emotions are mine, they are personal, they give me the ability to love, they give me the power to create, they define who I am. I cannot allow them to be used against me, so I will not behave in ways that others feel are appropriate or for their personal or financial gain. Allowing others into my heart gives them power over my head.   It is a war.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Loosing Ground

I had to stop, re-group and remember this one, because I am angry and I want desperately to “throw dirt” at the medical industry.  

It is more business and less care. Fashioned after a corporate manufacturing business that produces immediate results, efficiency and profits, they have forgotten at its roots it should be about people. In emergency health situations, immediate results are easy to identify but in long-term chronic illnesses, they are truly in need of work.  

The medical industry plugs every health situation into a standard rubric to come up with the logical (you will be cured) conclusion. They have not figured out that chronic illness and our lives already have a “standard” conclusion, but it will not fit into the, “you will be cured” rubric. Trying to mash me into that rubric makes me (and the medical industry) feel like a failure. 

Nobody wins! 

It does not have to be like this! 

It should not be like this!

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

i am just pooped...

Pity party ALERT

There are days that this is really really hard. More than the physical issues, the emotional part of this makes it so grueling. There are days it just does not seem worth the struggle. Some days my heart hurts, but my head keeps me together. Other days my head is exhausted but I am so grateful that my wonderful heart is still working, and then there are days like today, when my head and my heart crap out at the same time. It is overwhelming and I begin to wonder why I am doing this. I am very tired. I know I should be grateful, but have to wonder when this will all be over? I am so ready for it to be done. I am just pooped…

saving my heart...

Monday, October 8, 2012

AMA again....

A day at the hospital was absolutely horrible.  I have been poked, prodded and pushed and the only answer was... that they wanted me to stay for a day or 2 longer in the cardiac unit, so they can do more. I cannot do more! Why can’t they understand, I cannot do more emotionally!  I cannot do more financially!  I cannot do hospitals.  I do not want to be sick, I do not want be around sick people and places.  I do not need molecular, enzymatic, nuclear electrical answers, to everything?  Just make this stop. I cannot stay in a hospital while they just look around and do test after test to tell me what I already know. I have another hospital black mark on my name and I have checked out AMA again. Why won't they understand?  Why don't they understand? 
Never again...
Never again!

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

The Razor's Edge

Sometimes, I think too hard.
Should I damn the torpedoes (or the feelings of others) just make myself happy with all the art and passion, I can get, while I can?

Should I “not rock the boat” maintain the status quo, be the good girl, make everyone else happy?

Should I aspire to the higher good, leave a lasting mark on the world?

Every day I wake up with a different focus and a limited amount of time.  I should be able to choose and focus on at least one of the above, but cannot settle on one or the other.
Is there some way I can do it all? 
Is this the razor's edge I am trying to avoid by NOT chosing?

Friday, September 28, 2012


You can always tell when school has started; my time is stretched to its limit. Creating art and writing are the first activities to take a hit! And I am feeling it! 

Time is inexplicable, there is always too much or too little.  

My one-woman exhibit came down today, and it was bitter sweet. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it has been and as it turns out it has been magnificently lucrative, too. I was pushed physically and creatively and although I got very close to my breaking point, I did not! I rushed so to get the art finished and framed , I dashed back and forth to Leesburg to the events, but looking back I wish I had taken more time to just stand back, look at what I had accomplished and truly enjoy it.  

Time to figure out what I need to do next.  But this time I want to pay more attention to the "doing" and less concern about the time!

Monday, September 17, 2012


Some gifts come in boxes covered in pretty paper and tied in ribbon. They are fun and easily recognized but the gifts that life delivers are not always so easy to identify. Sometimes gifts are life lessons that come packaged in fear, heartache and hurt. But they are gifts nonetheless. I have to wade through the grief, before these situations reveal their rewards and point out what is important, where my power is, how to be strong, what to let go of, what to hang on to and how to move through difficult situations with strength and grace.

I am beginning to recognize all of the gifts and lessons I am receiving and I am learning to accept what comes next with dignity, strength and grace. I still have a long, long way to go.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Bitch… Moan… Whine…

Monday has lapped right on into Tuesday!   Not that Tuesday was anything special.  Tuesday’s only real claim to fame is that it is not Monday. 
The “logic” class I am taking is anything but logical.  After struggling for days with the beginning semantics I find that a big part of my problem is that in logic “valid” does NOT mean true, or factual or any other word I thought all of my life it meant.  Perhaps it does mean those things in regular life but NOT in logic.  Is that logical?

City advisory board meeting tonight, nuff said!
Heart Failure Clinic appointment at the butt crack of dawn in the morning....and again, could we please call this office something-anything else?  Hate the place, hate going, intensely dislike everything about it.  It is always an embarrassing, humiliating, frustrating, horrible experience.  YIKES!   Hate-Hate-Hate it. 

I know I should be grateful for all of my wonderful gifts, and I want to,  but sometimes I just need to be gross, ugly, outrageously offensive and just let it rip!  Bitch....Moan...Whine.....

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Wonky and a Cheeseburger

I really needed this reminder today! 

Been dragging my ass because things have changed and I am not able to live up to the expectations I have for what a normal should be or look like. 
Sometimes I get so caught up in the appearance of normal and perfection that I cannot see at all. 

There are some days that I am physically exhausted for no reason, and most times that can be fixed with a short rest,  but the worst days are the ones I am emotionally exhausted,
there is nothing that can fix that,

except a little wonky
and a cheeseburger!

Monday, September 3, 2012

As it Turns Out

As it turns out….What they say I can do, and what I am actually able to do are wonderfully different!  I do not exactly understand where the energy comes from but I gladly receive every ounce of it and have learned to squeeze the most out of every moment.  This has truly been one of the best summers of my life, and I am so very very grateful!

Monday, August 27, 2012

No Expectations

One of my mantras in life is no expectations.  

I have found my past expectations of people and/or situations have typically created the most unhappiness in my life. If I approach life without expectations, then every situation/person offers the opportunity to authentically experience reality, good or bad. No expectations mean I am open to all of the marvelous opportunities and possibilities.   

All of this being said, I find that expectations creep into my life anyway. When my preconceived expectations, intentional or not, bump into reality, it is almost always followed by pain.

Expectations have done it again.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

hOLy cRAp.....another one!

Holy Crap!!!! Another article...Woo-Hoo...Who says you cannot go back home?
I'll be back home with bells on for the Sept. 8th "Meet the Artist"!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Lessons, lessons, and more lessons!

 It seems very appropriate that as my summer winds down and another semester begins (whew) that I am more aware of lessons and how they come into my life and what they teach me.  I have had a boatload of lessons recently, some good, some bad, but one specifically reminded me how important it is to take care of my own heart. “Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.”-Buz Luhrmann 
I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life!

Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Price

The last couple of weeks have been like a dream come true, and the most exciting part of all of it is that I did it!  Two openings in two weeks, one as one-woman show and the other the Artist’s Way Group exhibition. Each of them had their own set of incredible but different challenges.

I have facilitated, created, framed, delivered, planned, installed, marketed, danced, ate, and drank. I have given 100% of my body and soul; it is all I know how to do when it comes to the art. It was my first step back into the life I once had. However, reality has also spoken up and rudely reminded me that it has come at a physical price.  

A price that I have willingly paid, and would happily pay again it the opportunity comes, because this is my life, it is what I do, it is what gives my life meaning.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Now the choice is mine.

All of the pushing, the fretting, and the carrying back and forth is over and I could not have asked for more perfect!  The Artist’s Way Celebration of Creativity was awesome, well attended, everyone had fun and the artwork is fantastic!  I can say the very same thing about Pairings in Leesburg, one week later, but this one was all my work!

There were times, especially last week, that I was not certain I would make it.  But I did.  I have been reminded what my life used to look like, I have been given the opportunity to show the world and me what I can do. 
Now the choice is mine...

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Do NOT crap out on me now!

Body has stepped up and announced loudly “ENOUGH BITCH”.   So…. that there is absolutely no misunderstanding …. this is NOT what I wanted and it is NOT so much better!What I have accomplished in the past few weeks is phenomenal, what it has done to me sucks!
Please-Please incredible wonderful, beautiful strong  heart do not crap out on me now!

Monday, August 6, 2012


In a few more hours unload again! It will be the last of the unloads to set up an exhibition, there are still 2 opportunities to take down these exhibits, that carry their own set of load and unload issues!

 Officially, I am half way through! And this is the BIG one coming up. If last week’s installation and opening reception are the harbinger of what is to come then it is going to be a fantastic week. However, as an artist my natural tendency is to zip right to the bad place…and that ugly voice in my head is running amuck….If last week went so well, surely the big “screw up” is right around the corner. The law of averages is not on my side. I am due for a big fall!  

When will I ever learn to relax, enjoy and revel in the NOW, rather than dipping into the future to borrow problems!  

Now….on to the next unload!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

The Best Time to Celebrate

Every day I can create.

Every day I can laugh.

Every day I can love.
Every day is the best time to celebrate. 
Every day…..
Every day….
Every day….

2012 Artist Way Group Celebration of Creativity Day!  I am so blessed to have been in the company of all these magnificent creatives, that in itself is certainly reason to celebrate!

Friday, August 3, 2012

Shine My Life Like Light

For such a long time, I felt like I had no more to contribute.  Not creating, inspiring, nurturing was about as close to death and dying as I could ever be.  I believed what everyone else said, freely giving my power and trust to doctors and medicines. I trusted them and turned my back on my own miraculous power!
I have pushed harder and created more than I ever thought possible!

These past few weeks and the week to come are my announcement to the universe that I am. 
I am strong. 
I am a creative. 
I have so much more to give! 
I trust me and the universe,  and when I give everything I am,  the universe will give me what I need to keep going.
Let it be me…Let it be me!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Stacked and Staged

It has been so long since I have seen my work stacked and staged ready to go out for an installation and exhibition.  I forgot how overwhelmingly marvelous it feels to see all of these images  that came out of me in one place, and more grateful than words can express that they did.  

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Everything Happens for a Reason....

When an unexpected door opens, I want to walk through it and explore all of the experiences it has to offer.  I am learning that  my life should be all about taking every opportunity that comes my way and trust (without judgment or expectation) that the Universe knows what I need!
All I have to do is screw up my courage, trust the Universe, do the work and laugh and laugh and laugh!

Sunday, July 29, 2012 begins!

Today begins 2 of the most exciting and possibly exhausting weeks I have had with my art since…. 

Tonight we install the 2012 Artist’s Way Group (the group I facilitate) exhibition “Breaking Down Creative Blocks”. Each of the creatives, in addition to their own work, had the assignment to paint, sculpt, or “whatever “an 8” x 8” x 8” cube that will be suspended on a 20” x 20” black background. What I have seen of them so far is AMAZING! I cannot wait to see them all hung together! The opening reception for this exhibit is appropriately called a Celebration of Creativity (this Saturday 8-4) because we want it to be anything BUT another stuffy art exhibition. Artist’s Way openings have always been more than just another art opening but truly a celebration of our art and our time together as creatives!

Friday, July 27, 2012

Do the Walls Come Down?

Ah…today they do.

It is one of those crappy heart days and my feet look as if they belong to an elephant. But I could not stop. When a piece tells me, it is coming…. I can do nothing but let it flow through me and so it did!

What a wonderful feeling, to lose track of time and space while images pass through me and out of my hands. I have no idea where they come from or how they move from a feeling in my heart, a thought in my head to an image on the paper, but how blessed I am to have the experience. There is nothing, not a lousy heart day, swollen feet or anything else that can stand in the way! Alleluia-Alleluia!

Do the Walls Come Down?

A Creative!

Creativity represents a miraculous coming together of the uninhibited energy of the child with its apparent opposite and enemy, the sense of order imposed on the disciplined adult intelligence. ~Norman Podhoretz

 Thank goodness the for the uninhibited energy of a child!

 It heals, invents, imagines, builds, sings, dances, plays, and loves!

I cannot imagine that I could possibly want to be anything else but…..

A creative!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Still have time to be....

I find myself rushing, worrying, grieving, and needing to have the next few weeks be perfect because I am afraid this will be my last chance to do these kinds of things.  

I need to relax, enjoy, and celebrate the process…

instead of suffering the end product.

I still have time to be everything I want to be.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Better than all of the other possibilities...

A creative life is full of fear, frustration, self-sabotage, procrastination, panic, and anxiety. But, it’s breathtaking flip side is a life full of inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.

A creative experiences living from a unique point of view that provokes passion for life and art in everyone around them.

Even when it is really really really hard, it is better than all of the other possibilities.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

"Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth."

"Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth." Pablo Picasso

Even when I do not want me or anyone else to see the truth of my own emotions, my art will betray me. The art is my Gladys Kravitz, prowling through my head and exposing all of my secrets to the world.

When choosing an image, my intention is not to reveal anything of myself; my only desire is to entertain with a pretty picture. However, as I move through that image it begins revealing me to me, and I know that eventually it is going to disclose these personal raw emotions to everyone.

Three weeks before the heart attack, a piece of abstract work came through me, it was so different from anything I had ever done.  Although it made no sense at the time, there it was telling me what was happening to my heart.
Sometimes my truth is evident, sometimes not, but the truth is always there right in front of me.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Confidence and Courage

Please give me more…
and if I cannot get more confidence and courage, can I please just have the audacity to fake it!  

For the next few weeks, I need the confidence and courage to move way outside my comfort zone. I do not want to slip back into the secure areas just because they feel good. I want to push well past the boundaries, all of the restrictions that limit me. I need to walk on the edge to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do it.  

So, even if I do not recover the confidence and courage that would make this easier, I know that I can pull this off with plain conviction, hard work and pain. Some of my most incredible accomplishments were born from this, not always confidence and courage.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

It's Alright to Cry...

So much going on right now! Creating, framing, organizing, IRS and scholarship applications, teaching, house repairs and on and on and on. I used to be able to handle this (and more) without missing a step or breaking a sweat. It just flowed. Now I find every little piece of this life is a struggle, nothing coming easy!

My heart and body conspire to rebel at every inappropriate opportunity without consulting with me and certainly without my permission!

My ability to balance what I want to do and what this body is capable of doing is still exasperating. Each day is different, some days this body seems to be perfectly willing to allow me to accomplish anything and everything I want it to do, and then without warning, another day will arrive and it protests every move I make. There is no detectable rhyme or reason for which day will be good and which day will be bad. No way to predict and work around it, there are days there is nothing I can do but cry, then get back up and keep moving.