life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

If the Hopers Only Knew!

"There is a secret medicine given only to those who hurt so hard they can't hope.
The hopers would feel slighted if they knew."
— Rumi

I thought only I felt this way. It seemed so preposterous and undocumented that it certainly could not be so. Then try explaining this marvelous "secret medicine" theory to your friends and family (the hopers)!

In my heart,
I have always known,
I can feel it...

Friday, May 27, 2011

Bitch Moan Cha-Cha-Cha!

I try very hard to balance and maintain a realistic yet positive grateful attitude. However, there are times that a good bitch session seems to be in order so if you are new to my blog just hang in here; the posts are not always so grouchy. But, I thought I should give you fair warning!

Summer… While the rest of the country celebrates Memorial Day and the eve of summer with baseball, outdoor picnics, and fireflies, here in Casselberry FL we already have oppressive heat, outrageous air conditioning laden power bills and bloodthirsty mosquitoes. I am dreading another season of blistering the back of my legs from hot car seats, stinky sweat, and sticky humidity. Summer in Florida drags on and on for approximately 8 months, with fall, winter and spring sharing the remaining 4 months. It is a long hot prickly, itchy and expensive time of year that is best spent indoors and certainly nothing to celebrate!

And the cha-cha portion of this rant… I know I am about to get a universal boooooo, but thank goodness Dancing with the Stars is OVER. Not that I am looking forward to another riveting summer of reruns or another nail biting season of the Bachelor (ette) but I am thrilled Dancing with the Stars is done! I do enjoy watching the dancers but for every 45 seconds of dancing we have to endure 10 minutes of blathering commentary and vote solicitation. Then, as if that is not bad enough I get Dancing with the Stars, notifications served up with the morning news. Really….is this news?

As I proof read this latest grouse, I must confess, if this is the extent of my current complaints, I really am living a charmed life and am blessed in so many ways!
Woo-Hoo!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Gonna' Pull Up My Big Girl Panties One More Time

Gonna' pull up my big girl panties and deal with it one more time, another trip to the heart failure clinic.

Hoping this time there will be some answers, good or bad, I just desperately need answers!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Friday, May 6, 2011

As Long as I am Creating....

The only unique contribution that I will ever make in this world will be born of creativity.
If I want to make meaning, I need to make art. write, draw, doodle, paint, take pictures, collage, sculpt, dance, decorate, sing—it doesn’t matter. As long as I am creating, I will have meaning.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Finishing!

Final case study research paper is finished and turned in, one last algebra assignment and my brain gets a well deserved vacation.

I love finishing!

Finishing is a delicate mixture of satisfaction and surrender. Finishing demands I let go of expectations and surrender to the uncertainty of what comes next.

Surrendering is embracing the now, rather than clinging to what used to be or what might be.

It means for a little while, I just get to be.