life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Letting Go

I am learning to embrace the idea of letting go. Letting go of what no longer resonates with me, and nurturing the deeper "me" underneath all that, instead of trying to patch myself up in an attempt to become the new and improved old me.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Open Doors


There is a ton of evidence that supports Newton’s Law “For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”.

As some of my doors close….I am finding others are beginning to crack open. Thank you Leesburg Center for the Arts, Amy and Joyce, you will never know how much the chance to show my masks means to me.

The doors open, little by little, I just have to find the courage to keep walking through them.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

whining......

The question I still cannot seem to find the answer to is, will I ever come to terms with the physical limitations and reoccurring illness imposed by a sick heart?
Will I ever really learn how not to surrender to the psychological effects?

Accepting the inevitable is easy when compared to living the every day details of a compromised life. I know and understand on an intellectual level that one of my biggest challenge is maintaining balance. I have learned that accepting limitations without becoming an invalid is a prickly crooked path. But, on days like today, it is so hard and incredibly lonely.

I Understand...

Frustrating only comes slightly close to describing how I feel right now, and I am obscenely aware of how much these feelings are most probably attributed to the amount of steroids I am now taking. 

I understand that I am whining!
I understand that I should be grateful for all of the awesome great days I have had.
        And I have certainly had more than my share!
I understand this is part of this and it is my challenge to live through it.
I need someone to understand how frustrating this is, I do not like it and I am so damn tired.

Monday, January 9, 2012

It has been a while!

Happy New Year!
It has been a while!
So easy to get caught up in the wonderful doings of  "day to day" during the holidays.  So I am guilty of not keeping up with the blog...ooops....

The New Year has had an exciting start, with an invitation to show some of my "Stick People" at a local art center. 

But have also gotten a swift kick in the ass, too.  Am slugging through another round of pneumonia!  I had the same problem last January.    hmm... there maybe a lesson here!  
This time I was able to negotiate myself out of a hospital stay, the last time hospital made me sicker rather than better so I am most hopeful for a much quicker recovery!  Crossing my fingers and taking my medicine. 

So...between the holidays, being sick and making new art I really have not found the time for any serious soul searching or writing.  Ah-Ha.......another lesson! 

Damn