life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, March 3, 2014

Brutal honesty….Healing…Moving forward…

And none of it comes easy!
Brutal honesty is making me open my eyes to the realities of my life. Some of them I glossed over, convinced myself it did not matter, filed them away, and called them done, thinking it was just that easy to choose to handle life. The ugly memories can be tucked away, but they will continue to poke through my life until I get them out, explore them and resolve the circumstances that created them.

Healing is the process of me being honest with me. Accepting the part I played in creating my own pain. It is the hardest part of this process. It is so much easier to point a finger and blame, but the reality is I participated, whether willingly or not, none of it could have happened without my permission.

I am NOW giving myself the gift of permission to heal, to live, to love and not feel guilty for wanting these things.

I have no idea what moving forward is going to look like, but I know it needs to begin now. In the past I have tried to hold my life still, just maintaining what I have. I have tried stepping back into my old life, convincing myself I was moving forward by picking up where I left off. Neither worked, the last choice is simply being honest with myself and moving forward.

Healing me, healing my heart is going to take brutal honesty, forgiveness, and sheer determination…I can only hope it will be worth it!
"Be Honest"  Jason Mraz

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