life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Sunday, July 6, 2014

It's Hard...

I have such a hard time allowing people in, I have had several people tell me that I just do not let them in….. and I thought I did. But I have to admit perhaps I am just afraid for anyone to see my weak spots, afraid they might not like my darks. I have spent a lifetime not being allowed to be anything less than strong. Weakness and fear are not acknowledged or accepted in my family. I learned how to take care of me by not exposing myself. Every once in a while when my emotions reached an overwhelming place and did slip out, they were perceived as criticisms. My feelings were always unreasonable and irrational. I am not complaining, for the most part the walls I built around my emotions are what make me strong. When I look back at my art and my love of Caravaggio’s art works I am seeing that it is all of the darks that make the lights in the art and in my life sing.
Right now, so much of my strength is getting redirected towards a disease that I know in my heart I will not win…I am getting tired and questioning whether or not that struggling to be strong is only wasting my energy. I do not want to waste any more energy trying to convince me and everyone around me that I am strong. I want to spend my time, my energy, on my life, love and living.
"Blackbird"  The Beatles                

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