life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, July 6, 2014

It's Hard...

I have such a hard time allowing people in, I have had several people tell me that I just do not let them in….. and I thought I did. But I have to admit perhaps I am just afraid for anyone to see my weak spots, afraid they might not like my darks. I have spent a lifetime not being allowed to be anything less than strong. Weakness and fear are not acknowledged or accepted in my family. I learned how to take care of me by not exposing myself. Every once in a while when my emotions reached an overwhelming place and did slip out, they were perceived as criticisms. My feelings were always unreasonable and irrational. I am not complaining, for the most part the walls I built around my emotions are what make me strong. When I look back at my art and my love of Caravaggio’s art works I am seeing that it is all of the darks that make the lights in the art and in my life sing.
Right now, so much of my strength is getting redirected towards a disease that I know in my heart I will not win…I am getting tired and questioning whether or not that struggling to be strong is only wasting my energy. I do not want to waste any more energy trying to convince me and everyone around me that I am strong. I want to spend my time, my energy, on my life, love and living.
"Blackbird"  The Beatles                

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