'I think midlife is when the Universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:
Somewhere between trying to figure out how I feel and what others think I should (or should not) feel there must be some kind of comfortable REAL! There is a great swath of people that when they see who and what I am, are nicely complementary, tell me that they wish they could do what I do, and then they quietly back up and fade away. Then there are others that see me and just out and out disapprove because I do not fit into what they think I should be…but in truth…I think most of them really just do not care. Their mission is to make their own lives as comfortable as possible. If anything about me is different, strange or challenging what they believe to be true then they either speak up to change me, or they walk away. I just have to keep reminding my soul that I am not freakish or screwed up….I am just me and I am still working on it!
So here is a new/old revelation! I have kind of applied this toward my art and studio for a long time. It is Sark’s idea and she called them micro-movements! I think I may have mentioned at least 47 times before in this blog how utterly frustrating it is to have this body “crap” out and just refuse to do what I want it to do. It has become a huge source of frustration and wrenching depression! Why has it taken me so long to figure out that I can apply this to my everyday life? The last couple of days, I realized I could apply micro-movements to all of my real life not just in the studio…. note: not because I planned it that way, it just happened. Although slow, I have accomplished some things, moving in the right direction, regardless of how much progress is made…as long as there is some progress… and it feels so so good. Feels like I am able to fight off the “worthless slug syndrome”.
Some of the most meaningful quotes seem so remarkably clear and evident that my first response is usually…" I need to do this….
I have been around awhile….(ok, no tacky age comments please!) but I have never seen the amount of Evangelical, Charismatic and other Christians oblivious to resounding wrong, as I do now. In an act of total disclosure, I was raised Episcopalian/Catholic and have never truly understood the evangelical or the charismatic movement. I do now have to wonder why so many of these faiths are irrationally upholding the validity of a man that lies, cheats, bullies, belittles, threatens and then pays off people to keep quiet? I have yet to discover any religious teachings that find this acceptable. It has been my experience that all varieties of Christians have typically been committed to the archetypal biblical interpretation of forgiveness. As I recall from my old and current New Testament biblical studies, a condition of forgiveness is a penitent acknowledgment of the wrong/sin and a sincere effort to change and go sin no more. When neither of these situations is evident why would anyone forgive and continue to defend, support and uphold such a person? I support everyone’s right to practice their own religion, but I sincerely question and do not understand how religion is now being manipulated to rationalize unquestionable wrong doing. 
Wikipedia says agnostic means you believe "the truth values of certain claims — especially metaphysical and religious claims such as whether or not God, the divine or the supernatural exists are unknown and perhaps unknowable.” Gnosis is from the Greek word knowing; agnostic is simply a state of not knowing. It's a belief system that, according to a recent survey, is held by up to 23 percent of Americans. (Although, the survey also grouped atheists with agnostics, so that number may actually be a bit lower.) 
I could not imagine anything more wonderful than being selected to show my work among 52 other of the most creative women in Central Florida at the Osceola Art Center’s “Creativa” (Woman Made Art) Exhibition…and then this happened! Thank you so much for such an amazing honor! Magic still happens!
Oh did I mention that not only did the “hand computer diagnosis” determine which of my organs were not working at peak efficiency because of vitamin and mineral starvation ( now may be a good time to interject that 2 of the organs were reported as working within normal ranges… I no longer have. No indication of heart failure or evidence of my implanted defibrillator) but the “Hand computer diagnosis”… told him which of my vertebrae were out of alignment. Less than 3 minutes into the “hand computer diagnosis” he began the natural supplements sales pitch. In addition the sale of supplements I also needed weekly chiropractic adjustment as well as regular acupuncture. He still had not asked what I wanted or why I was there. RED FLAG is now waving violently.
For the past 5 years, the month of March meant Leesburg Art Festival. I never intended for it to be, it just became. Looking back I cannot tell you if it was a good thing or a bad thing….It just was. It began in the way back in the 80’s and after 2 shows there, I knew this is not going to ever be a selling show and I never did it again until 2013, when I was asked to be the poster artist. After several years of being off the art show circuit, I dusted off the tent and went back out on the streets. Although there were sales, it was not enough to call me back as an artist but I did go back…as a creative facilitator, served on the Board of Directors, I helped with the “Patron Program”, I coached emerging artists program, and I did “Walk with the Expert” (it is too complicated to explain) but I remained a part of it. This is the first year that I am not a part of it and it is a bit strange and liberating at the first time. Sometimes you get accidentally caught in a picture. I do not regret the “giving” I do regret the running away from me and my own work. I got caught in my own picture of what I thought a good, successful, popular artist should be and quit being the artist that I am.
At the risk of sounding morbid…and just a little demented….I have to say, hospice has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Nothing put it more succinctly than this slogan, which as it happens, is from the hospice organization that takes care of me. After years of curative care that was full of chronic, invasive, and aggressive testing, treatments and surgeries, none of which have done anything that improved the quality of my heart or progress of the disease. In fact, I suspect it has compromised my health and it cost me a bloody fortune year after year after year literally eating up what little saving we had. 
I try not to let my blog get too political; however, I will confess I have not been really that good recently. It does slip in on a fairly regular basis and it is typically when I am so horribly frustrated that this is the only place I can share my feelings without being blasted like I get on Facebook. I will say I had changed my strategy a bit and promised myself if I did extend my political view, it would be from a positive action point of view, not just bitching and complaining. That went better but still drew really rude and ignorant responses. It has occurred to me, no one wants to think…they want me to be wrong. 
I suppose the character I like to be most is the strong, got my shit together, I can handle this woman. The reality is I can pull it off most of the time but there are days that it takes all of my energy just to maintain an upright position. The latest and often repetitive issue seems to be this fluid in my lungs and although it does not cause any pain, it really does keep me exhausted and tired…more so than the normal and holy crap that means all I do is sit around feeling like Star Wars “Jabba the Hutt”…Believe me…it is not pretty. But in mine and Jabba’s defense…we are the ones in charge!
Well crap…this is probably NOT the flu…more like an extremely heinous version of a raunchy cold! It is also a stinking reminder that my immune system sucks and that just going out and being around people (Nude Nite, even though I was home by 10 every night) will kick my ass. But you and I both know that even though I am bitching now…I will do it again in a heartbeat! bwa-ha-ha-ha!
I associate acceptance with defeat. That is precisely why I do denial so well! Fully acknowledging my illness was never an option for me. Throughout the years, I would find myself drifting in and out of hospitals, doctors offices and testing labs in a daze – my mind shutting down, allowing me to believe it wasn’t my body the doctors were cutting, poking and testing, it just could not be. I was sure that once I accepted my condition, it would never change.... I could never get better. 
I think I can attribute 99% of my mental health…and for those of you that just lifted a closed fist to your mouth and coughed “NOT” ….I know who you are! But really…I mean really I have found nothing more profound to my day to day happiness and frame of mind as writing every day. It all began with Julia Cameron’s book “The Artist’s Way” and her daily creativity exercise of morning pages. I still do them almost every morning…there is something wonderfully cathartic about getting unseen, positive and/or negative feelings out of my body and onto a page. First of all, it is wonderful to actually see a feeling become tangible in letters and words…I then have the choice of whether or not I want to pursue them, hang on to them, or let that feeling go. When an emotion, a feeling, or desire it is on the page they take on a life of their own and I can look at it and make a conscious decision about what I want to do with it…deal with it, get rid of it, or save it for later…there are no wrong answers.
They told me and I listened….
It never gets old…the excitement of delivery day came with some new crappy stuff. I woke up at 4 AM yesterday… have no idea why…just did…so I am going to chalk some of this to being excited about delivery day mixed with just plain lack of sleep tired. Excitement and exhaustion stirred together with muscle pulls caused by pulling myself up and down in and out of the van and perhaps last nights chest pains have a simple explanation. These pains were different than I have ever had before. I will confess for the first time I was kind of scared. I have had two weeks of unexplained elevated BP, and when I ask why…The nurse looks at me over his glasses, with that “really, you are asking me that" look and answers with a hint of sarcasm…you have a cardiac condition. It is the day before Nude Nite opens and Valentine’s Day after all...if my heart is going to act up… today would be the day. A naked exposed heart on Valentine's Day is so disgustingly poetic!
“Do I belong here? 
"Double Crossed" is a recent remake of an earlier version after a long sabbatical from layered paper pastel work. It is a simple composition and a study of the theory presented by Dan Brown in his novels that featured the fictional character Robert Langdon, an ancient “symbologist”. The author speculates that in the 15th -17th century and beyond, secret societies that were exploring mathematics and science were threatened as heretics by the Catholic Church. It became necessary for them to communicate publically through simple secret symbols. This theory is more than just fiction and does have some examples and support of existence. Evidence suggests that the symbol for a female was the chalice and the male was the blade, both were physically iconic of the male and female sexual organs. Simply interpreted the “\/” became the female symbol of the chalice and the “/\” became the male symbol of the blade. In exploring the theory, I found it was much easier than I imagined incorporating those symbols in a piece of work. I can easily see how if the symbols were kept simple in concept, that any piece of art could be speaking volumes and revealing secrets that the world is oblivious to!
