I associate acceptance with defeat. That is precisely why I do denial so well! Fully acknowledging my illness was never an option for me. Throughout the years, I would find myself drifting in and out of hospitals, doctors offices and testing labs in a daze – my mind shutting down, allowing me to believe it wasn’t my body the doctors were cutting, poking and testing, it just could not be. I was sure that once I accepted my condition, it would never change.... I could never get better.
That is why when I finally began needing “equipment” to maintain the life I love, that I finally allowed myself to acknowledge its presence. I never wanted anyone to know I was sick. It was not just because I did not want your stares and pity, but a way for me to keep up the disguise while I continued to search for how I felt.
There has been a gradual shift in my thoughts when I discovered how much more I can do with “equipment”…perhaps this is what has finally allowed me to acknowledge my heart failure is part of me….I do love my independence and will fight tooth and toenail to keep it as long as I can! It is a difficult balancing act...denial vs. acceptance.
"Black Bird" The Beatles
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