Courage....I need a little more

It does indeed take courage!  Courage to think for yourself when everyone thinks  you are doing it wrong.  More courage to dare to open your mouth and speak for yourself and even more courage to stand by your convictions ……or admit you were wrong.  It just takes courage…all of the time.

           "Better Off Now"  Trent Dabbs

61 is Prime!

Happy birthday to me….I turned 61 this week.  So far, I have absolutely nothing good to say about 61 and sincerely hope that is just taking a while to build up some energy before the really cool stuff arrives.  But make no mistake… I know 61 will be spectacular; it is after all a PRIME number!  No one can divide my joy, my love, my life.

"Shaking the Tree"  Peter Gabriel

Pass the Cookies....

Accepting what is happening to the fullest extent and choosing  not to let it take over my finances, love, laughter and my life is not denial…it is making choices.  It might not be a choice everyone understands but I chose grace and gratitude over fear, and yes I am scared shitless, pass the cookies!

"You Get What You Give"  New Radicals

First we run, and then we laugh 'til we cry
You've got the music in you, Don't let go
You've got the music in you. One dance left
This world is gonna pull through. Don't give up
You've got a reason to live. Can't forget
We only get what we give

I Saw it Coming...

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 5 stages of loss theory,  explains how one moves from denial to rage through bargaining to depression and the eventual bliss of acceptance.  This theory hasn’t gone smoothly in my case. I get through the first 4 stages quite nicely. But when I get bogged down in depression, I have found that the best antidote is a good dose of denial.  Although this works magnificently it also short circuits the entire process and I never make it to acceptance.   I am the queen of denial, I am good at it, and years of practice have made me an expert!   I have spent a life time burning the candle at both ends and enjoyed the light it gave off.  I pushed too hard, ignored too much pain, pretended too long and for precisely those reasons, I just cannot see myself whining about how this is all so unfair.  I have been taunting this situation for years and now that I am succumbing to something so predictable and ordinary, it bores even me.  However, I am frustrated by the sense of waste. I had great plans!  I’ve sacrificed and worked hard enough to earn them.  Now, I see this kind of thinking for what it is: sentimentality and self-pity. I excel at both.  But neither serves me at this point.  Last week’s heart cath results sucked, but I saw it coming….

"Heal Yourself"  Ruthie Foster

That's the Point

"Make it Mine"  Jason Mraz

Feel What I am Thinking....

Desperately chasing and frantically letting go at the same time.  I recognize that neither of these activities are good for me.   Some how, some way, I have got to figure out how to do this on my own, that is the way it always has and always will be done.  I just have to figure it out....stay tuned!

"Give Me Love"  Ed Sheeran

Walking away from the train wreck...

Today I feel like I am walking away from a train wreck.  Saw it coming, knew it was going to happen, and I should have been totally ready for the impact…but I was not.

Yesterday was heart cath day, This is just one of have had several I have had over the years.  They are explosively invasive tests that literally make a small incision in the femoral artery and run a wire directly into my heart.  I hate these things; there is absolutely nothing that makes me feel more vulnerable than this test where I am required to bare my crotch and my heart to complete strangers.   The test went well, but the results sucked.  I have known for 5 years that I have heart failure, I have known since the beginning that it is terminal, I have known for the past few weeks that things are changing and now I understand why.  The train wreck has happened, I just have to get up off the ground, brush myself off, gather up my courage and keep walking away from it......keep moving forward.

"All About Your Heart"  Mindy Gledhill

I'll Know what I know

...tomorrow is Cardiac Cath day....it has been 5 years since the last one, mostly because I have begged, pleaded, promised to be good, offered my first born son and in general have done all I know to get out of them. Time to put on the big girl panties and see the truth. Good or bad it is time for me to know and that means a dose of REAL....Oh crap...who am I fooling...heart failure has no good....it is a slow "one way" march,  never cured and no such thing as remission.  Tomorrow is a real dose about how far, how long and how much and making the most of that info and life.

"I'm not aware of too many things
I know what I know, if you know what I mean"

"Shove me in the shallow water, before I get to deep!"

"What I am"  Edie Brickell

Never too late....

It is time to not honor the conflict, but begin to look at and appreciate the lessons I am learning.  I do not think there will be a glorious triumph, but I am learning more about who I am, what I want and how I have gone about filling my heart.  I cannot find or judge me through someone else’s ability to see my value.  I have spent my life doing that, and I suspect it is killing me.  It is time for me to name the real conflict
and begin looking for me.  It’s never too late…

"Never too Late"  Micheal Franti

PLOT TWIST

I am hollering "PLOT TWIST"! And I hoping this is the last time!  If there is anyone or anything else in my life that has any inclination of screwing up, falling apart, or in general “failing”….NOW…is the time!  So many things have gone down the toilet this week that I have decided to just call in all of the shit...so I only have to flush once.....it will hurt really bad just once... then I can begin to heal and move on!

"Big Girls Don't Cry"  Fergie
I hope you know, I hope you know, That this has nothing to do with you...It's personal, myself and I, We've got some straightenin' out to do

The Magic....

I preach to myself ….”NO Expectations” hoping it will keep so much pain and hurt away.  Am I just protecting myself?  The reality is I would like to have expectations honored and met, but in real life it is not reasonable.  I think my magic is in NOT needing.

"Song for a Friend" Jason Mraz

Courageous decisions

I do not know exactly how to let go, then I realize they were never really there.  Because I wanted them to be there, or others thought they were, does not make it so. We played the parts and did it well, but never shared the real feelings that go with the relationship. Relationships communicate on a heart level….we never have. I am only letting go of an "idea" that I thought should be, but never really was. Relationships are not automatic, it has to be acknowledged, honored, celebrated, shared.  I ask forgiveness and understanding, but I am losing something I never really had, but it hurts anyway.  My heart will always be open to what can be. 

"For the Good"  Kristin Chenoweth, Idina Menzel

Running with it

My life and most of the people in it (except for a very few) have done a marvelous job of telling me, reminding me and chiding me for “not doing it right” the latest label that has been bestowed is “non-compliant”.  I was actually told that “I must learn to be compliant”.  When will any of them understand that it is my life, and I refuse to come to the end of it with tons of regrets and disappointments because I did it the way others wanted me to do it, compliant.  Why should I live their lives, chose their decisions, ignoring what my heart is screaming for,  I am taking non-compliant and running with it, but there is a big fat lump in my throat!....

  "Shine"  Jason Mraz

I can do it again....

I do not have to do it all in one day, just let go of some things, and get a little stronger in the others.  I can do this…I can do this…I can do this….I can do this alone.  I don’t want to do it but I can do it.  Small steps in the right direction, feel the pain and the joy with each step. I can do this, I can do this alone, one small step at a time.  I have done it before, I can do it again.

"Do it Again"  The Currys

Dreaming

I’d rather be dreaming…I do not remember my dreams, (well one or two from childhood that were terrifying) I envy those that do.  It seems like an endless source of inspiration and insight.  Of course the experts say everyone dreams, just not everyone remembers them.  I wonder what my dreams would be like if I remembered them.  Maybe I use up all of my creativity during the day and have none left over for sleeping.

 But I think I would rather be dreaming.

"Dreaming" Loudon Wainright

Now...It makes sense...

I was telling the story of how I avoid the heinous porta-potty at art festivals by choosing a store or business close to where my tent is for the weekend and offer to trade them a print for access to their porcelain and running water facilities for the weekend.  It always works and I am liberated from all of the indecent vulgarity of temporary restrooms. 

She laughed and said, “now it makes sense”.  She could not figure out why she had seen one of my sand hill crane prints, that was obviously not in keeping with the boutique bakery café  foo-foo décor hanging in the ladies room.

   
"I Feel Good"  James Brown

Divine Balance

Yikes!  This one is full of land mines!  So immediately I know that I want art, fun, love but that comes with some heavy prices to pay.
I would love to get rid of the stuff I don’t want, but suspect it is inherently part of the stuff I do want.  If I got rid of one, would it automatically reduce or even completely remove the other?  Could I really get rid of what I don’t want, or is that part of a divine balance that will always reestablish itself?

Could it be that the more crap one has to deal with, means there is more joy and happiness is available to me? Divine Balance?

   "I Lived"  One Republic

How Will I know.....

Not certain if I am about  to launch or fall flat on my face.  How will I know is it worth the risk, do I push the fear aside and move forward anyway?

"You Will Never Know Me"  Rachel Robinson

They are still mine....

Feels good to be back in the studio!  Nothing feels quite as good as fingers covered in chalk, hand prints on my t-shirt because I had to quickly answer the phone.  The feelings of just letting go, letting it flow through me, always empower me.  It is the only time I really own the art.  The only time that what I think, where I draw, the colors I choose will make any difference.  When it is done....it is no longer mine, it is no longer a part of me.  I can not make any more changes.  I cannot add to or take away from. It belongs to the universe and will be here long after I am gone.


"Ave Maria"  Guy Farley (from Modigliani)

She left the gate open...just for me...

There are days I miss her so much!  And although she never was the wild Mother, she would like it to be remembered like that.   I am struggling with a decision and she would most likely tell me...forget what they want, just do it, do it the way you feel, do not compromise ideas,  thoughts or what my heart feels is right.  I have to move past whether people will like my work or not.  Move past whether it will sell or not.

She left the gate open...open myself to vulnerability, and you all know how much I hate that!  

"Secrets"  Maroon 5

Art Festival from another perspective...

It is wonderful to share the experience of an art show with new emerging and aspiring artists. It makes my heart sing! So much fun to watch them receive the admiration and accolades for their talents they so richly deserve!  Even if I cannot do it....the "jazz" is still there helping them do it!

And I still get to participate in "other" ways!
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/lake/os-lk-art-festival-leesburg-20150312-story.html

Celebrating International Woman's Day with Maya

Phenomenal Woman

My superheroes!

I am drawn to these strong women, they give me strength, they remind me that there is nothing I cannot do, I am strong, and drama does not create energy it destroys it.

Quiet, elegant , boundless, strength and grace does not come easy.

"Sister"  Dave Matthews

"See as the painter sees"

"To paint is to love again. It’s only when we look with eyes of love that we see as the painter sees. His is a love, moreover, which is free of possessiveness. What the painter sees he is duty-bound to share. Usually he makes us see and feel what ordinarily we ignore or are immune to. His manner of approaching the world tells us, in effect, that nothing is vile or hideous, nothing is stale, flat and unpalatable unless it be our own power of vision. To see is not merely to look. One must look-see. See into and around."  

Henry Miller

"From Me to You"  Janis Ian

I don't Know

This year’s art journal group is a really serious and deep bunch. Once a month I am forced to confront some really profound life issues, even when I don’t want too!  I am still not sure if that is a good or bad thing, but this  month the subject of my piece is “I Don’t Know”…and I am just leaving it at that!

"What does it mean?  I don't know.  

Really I don't know and it is not from lack of trying. Religion, philosophers, gurus, counselors, books, endless hours of meditation, reading and study...and I really do not know.

What happens to me if I never figure out, what it means?

What would happen if it does not mean anything?

Who would care?

Does God?  Other people, or is it just me?"

"Closer to Fine"  Indigo Girls

Caution.....Ranting Ahead!

As a very young liberal, and practicing hippie/radical (according to my step-father) this was the mantra that was constantly being preached to me. He never saw protests and civil disobedience as a positive.

Years later, I have to agree with him to a certain point. As an older liberal and practicing and teaching artist this mantra “be a part of the solution” has become part of my life mission. Time and time again, volunteering being a part of the solution have been the most wonderful and fulfilling adventures of my life.….except when it comes to dealing with my very own city. The city I have lived in and volunteered for over 37 years have proven themselves to be the most frustrating example of fear and thanklessness, and I believe I am more qualified than most to make this observation.
So afraid of doing something wrong or “found out” they do nothing, they ignore those that want to participate and then ask for your support. Scared to think out of the box, they repeat the others creativity. Focused on one medium they ignore others. If you do not fit precisely into the mold you are ignored, rarely acknowledged, thanked or appreciated. Always treated like a bother, never seen as a willing contributor.  They make me feel small, unimportant, irrelevant, unworthy,  I wonder if they have any idea that they are turning their back on marvelous creatives that could be this city’s most amazing resource!

 

"Mr. Big Stuff"  Jean Knights

Can't Sleep....

I have had a lot of sleepless nights recently!  Maybe this is why….

"My Moon"  Mary Lambert

Beautiful Disaster

I am a champion of  perfectly imperfect …. Daily!  The day after the first class is always full of “What did they think?  Was I effective?  Did I remember to tell them everything? “  And then I begin to doubt everything!  I hate when that happens!  So today I need to happily sit with myself this morning, content with being a beautiful disaster!

"Undun" The Guess Whoo

Naked and Exposed

I feel vulnerable, naked and exposed! 

You would think After so many many years of facilitating the Artist’s Way you would think another  first class is just that another first class.  As each new group gets ready to start, IT begins….. I am scared to death, my heart pounds, I panic, I sweat, my throat is dry and my voice cracks! I wonder if they will notice.  Every fear you can imagine is lurking just under my skin. The terror is overwhelming, but I know on the other side of the fear, there is another unique and incredible journey waiting for me with creative experiences with new friends.

There is a new electricity and energy filling my heart!

"Say (All I Need)"  One Republic

As a bona fide control freak...

I cannot control what my physical heart does and I have tried! It has such a mind of it's own. Some days it feels like I am me, with absolutely no limitations, or evidence of heart failure, other days it rears it's ugly head announcing itself with swollen feet and hands, then it refuses to support even the easiest activities regardless of of my intent.

I am learning now how to listen but to hear my heart.  The only thing I have any control over is how I react to the day to day changes and challenges.
And....
as a bonafide control freak....


"The Heart of Life"  John Mayer

Sensitivity is my strength!

I cannot imagine that I could possibly experience anything more or better than how it feels to be sensitive.  But when you live this life, chances are you will do it alone.  It is hard for others to understand.  I have always viewed it as a deficit, often feeling damaged and unable to keep up, or even stupid not understanding why I was so hurt when others could simply walk through the same situation without blinking.

 

I wonder, are they more like me, are they just better at hiding and pretending?

Are they afraid... afraid of the pain when they cannot understand the gifts.

My heart sings when I see and feel other's sensitivity,
it means I am not alone!

Sensitivity is my strength!

"Shine"  Jason Mraz

more or less

If I had a manifesto, 

I think this would be it!  

16 different words + just 3 more….

I AM HERE!

"I Will Be There for You"  Ann Reed

It is that simple...

It is that simple! 

Note…I did not say it was easy! 

Nothing about this is easy!

“Every step you have taken 
disappears with the tide
You're torn up and shaken 
with changing your mind
You haven't got the grace 
to say you'll finally decide

and you haven't got the strength to stay to fight”  Janis Ian

"From Me to You"  Janis Ian

but....this is my life!

I want to do all of those things I wanted to do, that for one reason or another I was too afraid to do because someone told me that I am not:

   lady like

   what a loving mother, wife, would do

   what a successful artist would do

   what a popular facilitator would do

   what a victorious Christian would do

   what an effective patient would do

I am not any of these things!

I will never get to do, be or dream what I want from this life until I can let go of what others think I should be.  I love and care about you all, but this is my life.  I want the journey to unfold, and not be afraid to go there!

"Someday"  Sugar Ray

and yes....Braveheart, it is time!

Sometimes I feel like if I keep frittering around I am going to run out of time!
But then I am not exactly sure what it is I NEED to do.  There is a hollow place in my heart that desperately needs to be filled, I just cannot seem to figure out what to fill it with.  There are times I think I have a very clear picture of where I am going, and then without warning I fall off of the path and begin questioning. And the running out time thing, only seems to magnify the desperation.  “Why am I here????”   That is the question and the answer that give my life meaning.  I have got this one life and I have to make it mine!  And YES Braveheart it is time!

"Make it Mine"  Jason Mraz

If they only knew!

Orlando Weekly- 88 Most Amazing Photos
from Nude Nite 2015

......and what most do not know and will never know, is that part way through this piece I received my latest report from the cardiologist.  It said I was quite possibly in an emotional state of denial, in stage 3 heart failure, non-compliant, a poor historian and I need to have an ICD surgically implanted in my chest.  I tore it up and implanted it in the chest of my painting.  The work sold on the first night and was listed as one of the 88 most amazing photos in the Orlando Weekly.
REALLY...they do not think I emotionally understand what is happening to me?

If they only knew!

 
"Arms Around my Life"  Janis Ian

Constantly becoming...

I feel changes coming.

They are in me and outside of me; the only thing I know for sure is that I cannot avoid them.  I am learning how to let them wash over me, pointing me and guiding me rather than denying and fighting them.
They are the lessons that promise I am becoming the person I am meant to be.  I have faith that my path will become clear and my life has meaning.

"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

....it does not matter what they think!

Seriously, about the time that I really think that I do not care what “they” think, I get this message and in their opinion I am deceiving myself. What they do not understand is that I have been told that same thing by much more educated, responsible, sophisticated, experienced professionals than them and I do not pay attention to them either! 

I learn a little bit more about embracing the impossible everyday, it does not matter what they think!  I may not really be that special or magic, but there are times....


"And Your Bird Can Sing"  The Beatles

Nude Nite with the "girls"!

It is so hard to explain Nude Nite...kind of like Christmas morning for adult artist,  with a touch of naughty (that you get away with) surrounded by incredible creativity, imagination and talent and NO RULES!  For 3 nights every year, if I am lucky enough to have my work accepted I have permission to push me, my art and my beliefs outside a life time of boundaries and it is always wonderful!

"American Baby"  Dave Matthews Band

What is your wildest dream?

If it were to be in a giant gallery,
-filled with people on opening night (with 2 more “opening” nights expecting even more people than tonight),
-running into great old friends,
-cheering on art friends painting live,
-being with your best friend,
-seeing AMAZING nude art and performance art
-AND selling 2 of my original (not my style, but oh so fun) art works….

I would say yes…this may be my wildest dream….well maybe not the wildest….
but really damn close!

"All Star"  ortoPilot

Something from Nothing

One of the most amazing parts about Nude Nite, from an artist’s perspective, is seeing the magic that happens between the time we drop off art works to a cold empty warehouse and the outrageous Thursday night opening. It is a phenomenal collaboration between the Nude Nite organizers and artists that truly creates “something incredible from nothing more than an idea”!  

Nude Nite returns to Orlando, pops up in new location

"Body Love"  Mary Lambert

The answer is coming…and it was so easy!

Doors open, but it is all on me whether I walk through them.  All of the sudden if feels like years of struggling to redirect my life into extreme life affirming meaning are opening up.  Opportunities keep revealing themselves and I want to take every one of them.  I want my life to be filled with absorbing every experience.  I want to enthusiastically consume them add my heart, my soul and my creativity to them, then put them back out in to the world.  Which is exactly the definition of fine art! 

The answer is coming…and it was so easy!

"Go Down Singing"  Michelle Chamel

Scary as hell....

Did I really loose or was it the experience I needed to find out that none of this was me?  There are parts of it that I understand as a wife, mother and business owner I had to do.  At the time, I chose to do what others expected.   How much damage I did to myself by doing (almost) everything that was expected of me.  So many of those obligations are now finished, and I have the most amazing opportunity to be the “myself” I have always wished for…..and I have to tell you….it is as scary as hell!

"Sweet Dreams"  ortoPilot

Change my mind....

Wouldn’t you think once you have felt the amazing power of changing your mind, changing how you think, changing what you believe, that it would get easier?
There are tons of quotes by great thinkers that share this message over and over and over. And still my first knee jerk reaction to everything challenging is to hold on to old programed thinking! To put my emotional guard up- protect me, let someone else convince me or worse yet make the decision for me, or just blindly do what I have always done without any thought at all.
None of these reactions will do anything but guarantee I repeat the same life situations over and over and over again with no chance of growth and new experiences.
I need to get comfortable with doing it different…changing how I think…really looking at what I want from this life, not what others think I should have or feel or do.

"I Believe"  Michael Franti

It begins and ends with me....

I have given power to situations, people and institutions that did not earn or deserve it.  I gave them my power for no other reason other than to be liked and loved, to fit in or get a pay check. Without reservation, I regret every single time I did that.  I look back and realize how much love and happiness I gave away, every time I gave my power away.  I am taking my power back, It all begins and ends with me.

"Iris"  Goo Goo Dolls

The Heart of the Matter

My annual February Heart Month RANT!

Through all of my years as a woman, the medical industry repeatedly smashed my boobs and scraped my cervix (even after I did not have one) checking for cancer.  Not once did any doctor check my heart, short of taking my pulse.  I am not opposed to other preventative tests, but why is the number one killer of women, more than all cancers combined, overlooked in women’s routine medical exams?

Take care of yourself, know the symptoms of Women’s Heart disease, they are NOT the same as men’s.  Insist that your doctor listen to your heart!  Please celebrate your life…. listen to your heart!

Stripped, exposed and still.....hidden

"Careful With My Words"   Detail

Secrets…. the images will say what I am too afraid to say with my words. Yes, the work was created specifically for an exhibition, but I found in creating it that my anger and frustration emerged. Too afraid to say it out loud, but still desperately needing to be heard. 

I have a love for, no a need for texture. The work cried for pages from the book The End of Faith and buried in her chest is a copy of my latest cardiology report. Stripped, exposed and still....hidden.

"Strip Me"  Natasha Bedingfield

Every day I fight for all my future somethings , A thousand little wars I have to choose between...I could spend a lifetime earning things I don't need,...That's like chasing rainbows and coming home empty...Cause when it all boils down at the end of the day, It's what you do and say that makes you who you are...Makes you think about, think about it doesn't it,...Sometimes all it takes is one voice...And if you strip me, strip it all away, If you strip me, what would you find...If you strip me, strip it all away , I'll be alright...Take what you want steal my pride, Build me up or cut me down to size ...Shut me out but I'll just scream, I'm only one voice in a million...But you ain't taking that from me...I'm only one voice in a million.         Natasha Bedingfield

Me or the rest of you?

Fuck Heart Failure….

I am sick of pretending.  Who am I trying to fool?  

Me or the rest of you?
Some days I just have to get angry to survive!

"Big Girls Don't Cry"  Fergie

The tough decision to let it go.

Mentally, emotionally and spiritually…letting go of a life time of expectations, real or imagined is much harder than I thought. On some level it feels like playing Jenga. If I pull out one block of “hard and fast” beliefs,  it impacts unexpected and unrelated beliefs or all of it falls apart and comes crashing down. Sometimes it does all crash down. On those days, my first reaction is to run back to all of my old rules and beliefs, they will guarantee I am right or protect me.  Ugly fears and the overwhelming need to be loved and liked screams at me and I think maybe I should hold on to some of it.  That is when I realize returning to the same rules, feelings and situations have produced a lifetime of fear resentments and unrealistic needs..

I have to make the tough decision to let it go.

"They"  Jem