life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


.

.

Monday, April 13, 2015

I Saw it Coming...

Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross’s 5 stages of loss theory,  explains how one moves from denial to rage through bargaining to depression and the eventual bliss of acceptance.  This theory hasn’t gone smoothly in my case. I get through the first 4 stages quite nicely. But when I get bogged down in depression, I have found that the best antidote is a good dose of denial.  Although this works magnificently it also short circuits the entire process and I never make it to acceptance.   I am the queen of denial, I am good at it, and years of practice have made me an expert!   I have spent a life time burning the candle at both ends and enjoyed the light it gave off.  I pushed too hard, ignored too much pain, pretended too long and for precisely those reasons, I just cannot see myself whining about how this is all so unfair.  I have been taunting this situation for years and now that I am succumbing to something so predictable and ordinary, it bores even me.  However, I am frustrated by the sense of waste. I had great plans!  I’ve sacrificed and worked hard enough to earn them.  Now, I see this kind of thinking for what it is: sentimentality and self-pity. I excel at both.  But neither serves me at this point.  Last week’s heart cath results sucked, but I saw it coming….

"Heal Yourself"  Ruthie Foster

No comments:

Post a Comment