life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Monday, April 13, 2015

I Saw it Coming...

Elisabeth K├╝bler-Ross’s 5 stages of loss theory,  explains how one moves from denial to rage through bargaining to depression and the eventual bliss of acceptance.  This theory hasn’t gone smoothly in my case. I get through the first 4 stages quite nicely. But when I get bogged down in depression, I have found that the best antidote is a good dose of denial.  Although this works magnificently it also short circuits the entire process and I never make it to acceptance.   I am the queen of denial, I am good at it, and years of practice have made me an expert!   I have spent a life time burning the candle at both ends and enjoyed the light it gave off.  I pushed too hard, ignored too much pain, pretended too long and for precisely those reasons, I just cannot see myself whining about how this is all so unfair.  I have been taunting this situation for years and now that I am succumbing to something so predictable and ordinary, it bores even me.  However, I am frustrated by the sense of waste. I had great plans!  I’ve sacrificed and worked hard enough to earn them.  Now, I see this kind of thinking for what it is: sentimentality and self-pity. I excel at both.  But neither serves me at this point.  Last week’s heart cath results sucked, but I saw it coming….

"Heal Yourself"  Ruthie Foster

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