life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Saturday, April 25, 2015

This is the Beginning.....

I get to start over, I now have a plan, all of the wandering, waiting, fear of making the wrong decision is over and it really is a new beginning! I have officially, with my doctors consent and blessing, discontinued the testing for cardiac viability and heart transplant. I will soon have an ICD (internal cardiac defiblirator) implanted. In everything I have ever read about this kind of long term disease there has never been anything said about this kind lack of dread…or maybe they did and I just could not recognize it.  Maybe this is acceptance, that illusive final stage!  Maybe I could not get that wonderful last step of Kubler-Ross until the doctors acknowledged that I was dying.  Maybe there had to be some kind of official acknowledgment before I would allow myself to get to acceptance.  Whatever the reason,  there has been a completely unexpected feeling of happiness.  Now we (me and my doctors) have a plan, now I can move forward, and do anything I want….No more standing still, no more waiting….only living!  This is a beautiful new beginning!

"Hold on-I'm Coming"  Sam & Dave

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