life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Saturday, April 25, 2015

This is the Beginning.....

I get to start over, I now have a plan, all of the wandering, waiting, fear of making the wrong decision is over and it really is a new beginning! I have officially, with my doctors consent and blessing, discontinued the testing for cardiac viability and heart transplant. I will soon have an ICD (internal cardiac defiblirator) implanted. In everything I have ever read about this kind of long term disease there has never been anything said about this kind lack of dread…or maybe they did and I just could not recognize it.  Maybe this is acceptance, that illusive final stage!  Maybe I could not get that wonderful last step of Kubler-Ross until the doctors acknowledged that I was dying.  Maybe there had to be some kind of official acknowledgment before I would allow myself to get to acceptance.  Whatever the reason,  there has been a completely unexpected feeling of happiness.  Now we (me and my doctors) have a plan, now I can move forward, and do anything I want….No more standing still, no more waiting….only living!  This is a beautiful new beginning!

"Hold on-I'm Coming"  Sam & Dave

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