life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

The tough decision to let it go.

Mentally, emotionally and spiritually…letting go of a life time of expectations, real or imagined is much harder than I thought. On some level it feels like playing Jenga. If I pull out one block of “hard and fast” beliefs,  it impacts unexpected and unrelated beliefs or all of it falls apart and comes crashing down. Sometimes it does all crash down. On those days, my first reaction is to run back to all of my old rules and beliefs, they will guarantee I am right or protect me.  Ugly fears and the overwhelming need to be loved and liked screams at me and I think maybe I should hold on to some of it.  That is when I realize returning to the same rules, feelings and situations have produced a lifetime of fear resentments and unrealistic needs..

I have to make the tough decision to let it go.
"They"  Jem

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