Divinely Misguided

Never certain what experiences open for me or why, but on some level I understand that I asked for them all.  Consciously or unconsciously there are lessons I need to learn.  Some I go into knowing exactly what I need to learn…others I have no idea what is waiting for me.  Those are the ones that scare me.

Is the lesson to keep moving forward, risk the pain, for an unknown pleasure?

Worry about the future…or stay in the now?

The fear of the furture or the pleasure of now.

"No No No" Paolo Nutini

Faith

So if fear has been my poison, is it possible faith is the antidote?
Not the typical worn out bible thumping faith, I mean real faith!
Faith in my own heart.
Faith in myself.
Faith that I will know what to do when I need to do it.
Faith that I can do this on my own!

Just big fucking faith….that is what I need!

"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

I Just do Not Know it Yet.

Desperatly grasping for things that should not be, will never make them be so.

Maybe it is something deep inside of me, my subconscious or the universe saying.

this is not you, this is dangerous, this will only cause you pain.

Twice I listened to that voice and walked away, Twice I discounted my own gut and went in anyway. It failed both times.

  

Perhaps this is not an ending, but a beginning.

And I just do not know it yet...

"And Your Bird Can Sing"  The Beatles

Brave.

Here is what I am up against, a medical industry that has set tests, treatments and procedures, if you fall outside the norm or the medicines fail to produce the results they want, they will keep pushing until you are mashed and forced into their “management” box.  If your body does not perform according to their expectations, then I am wrong.

Heads dug into pages of test results, not once do they ask,

How are you feeling? 

What do you want the rest of your life to look like? 

What do you want to accomplish with this life?

I am forced to fit their protocol. To stay alive as long as possible it does not matter to them what “alive” is to me, the definition of alive for the medical industry is breathing (and even that is questionable).   I want to live now.

….and I so am tired of trying to get someone to hear me.

"Living in the Moment"  Jason Mraz

Lovingly, Georgia

I had truly forgotten how wonderful it felt to just read!  After several years of textbooks and digesting words for no other reason than to regurgitate them at a later time seemed to have just about killed whatever desire I had to just read.
Lovingly, Georgia was by no means a story, but a pretty amazing compilation of letters that were written to her friend, Anita Pollitzer.  I almost felt like an unwelcome voyeur peering in on some of their most intimate thoughts.  Amazed at how the thoughts and feelings of women artist really has not changed that much.

"No Sugar Tonight"  The Guess Who

Change

I want this to be easy. It is not going to be.
I do not want to do it alone, but the reality is each of us has to. No one can do it with me. The universe has kicked my crutch out from under me, and is making me do this by myself,

First a curse, then a blessing…growing and becoming emotionally stronger is not easy but I want to do it. I need to do it. I have got to be strong enough to do this by myself.
I will be strong enough!
And the art is going to show me the way!

"Change"  Tracy Chapman

"Never let FEAR turn you against your playful heart"

Some gifts come when I least expect them.....thank you
a friend sent this via FB and it could not have come at a more perfect time
...on days when it gets so hard, it is nice to be reminded.....

be still

Please….. I am so tired.

…be still

It hurts.

…be still

Why?

…be still

I do not want to.

…be still

Is it me?

…be still

I do not understand.

…be still

It’s too late.

…be still

I can be still,

will it make this stop?

"Save Me"  Gotye

Broken

Could there possibly be anything more broken than the current state of health care?  At the most incredibly inopportune time I receive a letter from my health insurance company…Humana…stating that my doctors and hospital (Florida Hospital) will no longer be in their network.  It is an income generating multi-million dollar business.  The state of my heart is of no concern to them. Makes an already difficult set of circumstances, absolutely cruel.  I am exhausted.

"A Prayer for...." Seal

Out of the Loop

I was told somethings would begin to happen, 

I chose not to deal with it at the time. 

The thought process was…. if they were right, and this was still up for debate as far as I was concerned, the time to deal with it and make the necessary provisions would be when (and if) it happened.

I am beginning to detect the circles. 

One thing always leads to another; it is never a single isolated incident. 

It keeps going around in circles and 

I want to get out of the loop!

"Save Me"  Goyte                  

Just plain UN-natural

Oh how I struggle to have faith in the natural process (of anything…of everything)!  Shouldn’t the natural process, in just about any life situation, just happen without so much directed effort on my part?  It feels as though sometimes the circumstances of my life take over and wear me out.  Then I find that I have to exert a great deal of energy to recover gracefully and maintain that horrible self-defined and most probably unrealistic facsimile of an appropriate respectable life.

Should any natural process be so difficult? Or maybe my expectations of “natural” are just plain un-natural.

"Every Day is a Winding Road"  Sheryl Crow

Meds & QVC ….no-no-no....

I cannot be held responsible for my actions while watching TV on prescription medications!  A recent round of new meds produced a massive mental breakdown.  The fact that I had even considered watching QVC as a form of entertainment should have been a huge red flag regarding the state of my mental faculties.  But, that I ordered a pressure cooker/crock pot combo is proof positive that I was medicated completely OUT OF MY MIND!

I hate cooking!  What on earth could they have possibly said or done that made me think this was a kitchen appliance I needed!  I need a coffee pot and a refrigerator, as far as I am concerned all other kitchen appliances are optional!   

I cannot even figure out the “effing” instructions! 

What the hell was I thinking!

  "I Should Have Known Better"  The Beatles

Secrets

Secrets….I never used to believe in them…I was certain that they were always destructive and cruel. This is my lesson. Secrets may not be the evil wicked things I had always imagined. The awful ugly things and the exceptionally wonderful things will always be secrets.  They are my secrets and I would not change one of them, I do not want to miss a thing, but I understand, I have been there, I know why they will prefer living in the middle of the road, it is much safer there.

   "All of the Stars"  Ed Sheeran

I am keeping them!

(Top) "Holding on to My Heart"                               (Bottom)  "Anticipation"

For as long as I have been creating this style of work, I have never hung one in my own home.  I think for the longest time, they just felt like work, a job….hanging my work, the layered paper pastels somehow felt like stapling a 50 page report about office procedures to my wall.

But these 2 pieces…these were different, not in execution, but in conception.  

These came from my gut, without consideration of how they would sell.  

They spoke to me. They sang to me, as they moved from my heart, into my imagination and finally, into reality.

They are my reminders that
I need to touch and feel it all,
be willing to fight to hold on
and prepared to let go.

"There is a Mountain"  Donavon

normal ????

When did normal happen? And why?

At what point in my life was I convinced that normal was the goal?

Who is in charge of establishing normal?

What happens to “not” normal?

Will we ever be able to except “not” normal?

Holy Crap…. what if I celebrate “not” normal!

That’s it!  I am not only going to search for “not” normal

I am going to sing, dance, paint, write and celebrate NOT normal!

"Coming Around Again"  Carly Simon

Hot Tea and Tissues

As it turns out there have been little gifts tucked in between the never-ending nose blowing and constant coughing! The time to read a new book and watch an old movie and not feel the least bit guilty!

The little gifts of a kindred spirit and admiration of another female artist in the book “Turn” and the giggles, tears and connection to the movie “Same Time, Next Year” are so comforting.

Hot tea and tissues, new books and old movies, why do I always wait until I am sick to indulge?

"The Lazy Song"  Bruno Mars

I Remember This Day... I Remember That Day 9/11

I remember this day.  I remember that day. 

I remember in 1994 there had already been one attempt to take down the WTCs. I was searched and scanned before I could get on the elevator.

I remember thinking to myself, what a ridiculous idea…anyone thinking they could bring down the WTC 1 or 2.... never mind both.

I remember passing Calder’s giant red stabile on the streets as we arrived.

I remember the absolutely huge,  35’ x 20’ tapestry by Miro’ in the lobby of 2 World Trade Center. 

I remember the severe contrasting scale of the art, the buildings and the teams of people that were perfectly comfortable and at home, living and working in their presence. The awkward balance of size and scale was beyond breath taking!

I remember how high up in the air I was, how exposed I felt, but how much I could see from such an amazing advantage.

I had forgotten how spectacular that day was!

I remember the day they came down, thinking to myself, this cannot be real. I was tucked safely in my own studio, and still felt an overwhelming, paralyzing and terrifying fear. 

.....a fear  that took over every one of my magnificent memories and the absolute awe of The World Trade Centers, the feelings, the people and the art
                                                  …until today.

"Auld Lang Sine"  Maira Campbell

Shutting Down

I move from strong, hard ass, independent to wounded, sensitive, failure on a daily basis.  Yes, I am strong sometimes, I like being full of strength and resolve, but more often than not, I just plain hurt.  It is a pain created by years of not being heard, seen or valued.  Art gave me value, above everything else,  When I shut down there was art. I was not seen or heard but my art was.  

Art is my voice, my ocean. 

I wonder if not being seen or heard is the reason I chose art to speak for me, or did the art choose me when the ideas needed a voice.

"If Only"    Dave Matthews Band

How Cool is This??? What a great unexpected little gift!

Am currently forced to sit relatively still while my body does it’s healing magic, and opted to catch up on some reading….that in itself is a gift! I am a fan of second hand books and the their prices!!! Amazon always gives you the option of purchasing used from non-Amazon book sellers. I heard of the “diary/journal” of artist Anne Truitt (1921-2004) that focused on her feelings and thoughts about balancing her life as a woman and artist. It had been on my “want to read” list for some time and last week I ordered it!  I do not think you can imagine my surprise when I flipped open the cover and found this.  What an unexpected little gift!

Yes...I know it is corny, but you just had to know I would do it...                            "Turn Turn Turn" The Byrds

Holy CRAP....I know I am sick when....

When I voluntarily take all of this crap ON PURPOSE!

I will be kicking this very soon because this....THIS..... has got to stop!!!

GRRRRRR!

"Doctor My Eyes" Jackson Browne

OK-OK..... I lied!!!

I am in desperate need of a giggle or two and this was so happy!
I know....I know I promised..... NO more Burning Man...OK OK I lied!
But how could I pass this up....it is so happy.....and oh my I am dancing!
"I love you..." Michael Franti & the Spearheads

Maybe that is broken...

wooosh...a pile of negative spewing out recently in this blog...
...guess it is better here
than anywhere else
...guess I am hurt
...guess I am angry
after years of wanting...
this morning it was finally offered
and I realized, I did not need it any more.
maybe I am supose to do this alone
maybe I am already broken or maybe I am very very strong.


"If You Coud Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot.

Where are the damn rules?

Damn, that is so much easier said than done.  I bounce back and forth, and still have not figured out how to incorporate heart failure into my day to day life.  I do not want this disease to impact my life, it does anyway….I  ignore it and move forward and heart failure gets “louder” and more invasive.  How do I do this…damn it….how do I do this!

Where are the damn rules?

"Dust to Dust"  The Civil Wars

Superpower?

I know this sounds so ugly, but one of the most amazing things I am learning is that I get to choose who and what I love and or care about. Yes there are rules to some of this.

Rule……There are people that you must love….. parents, spouses, children, siblings, friends. I suspect there will come a time in everyone’s life when we question each of these relationships and wonder how much love has to do with it and how much of it is just following the rules.

Are we listening to our own hearts or the rules someone else made up?

Quietly figuring out the people and things that I love, that I want to spend my precious time with and breaking the rule. I do not want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but for the first time in my life I am learning that I do not have to “engage”
in their drama, maybe some think it is because
“i don’t give a fuck”, and maybe
that is what you will call it,
but it truly is a super-power that brings so much peace.

"no...no...no"   Paolo Nutini

Magnificently UNbalanced!

I am looking for the balance in my life between  what I can control and what I cannot control.  At my age am still learning how to live between  effort and surrender.  I am beginning to think maybe there is no such thing as balance, or maybe I am struggling to find something that does not exist. 

You know…. now that I think about it, I mean really think about it, I am not sure I would like the balance in life that others tell me is worth striving for.   Maybe it would be boring, stagnant, monotonous, and totally uninspiring!

Maybe it is time to quit looking for the gurus’ idea of a successful balanced life.  Maybe I should just take each situation as it comes and deal with it, not with the idea of creating balance but just doing what needs to be done by  being kind, having purpose and being happy….  
Who cares if is balanced or not…in fact I think I prefer that it be magnificently UNbalanced!

"Living in the Moment"     Jason Mraz

and suddenly...

and suddenly I remember

that most of the time
it is my choice

whether or not I engage with other peoples

 foul moods,

rude behavior,

raunchy language, 

and unyielding demands.

That is when my mouth suddenly goes....

"You Make me Smile"  Uncle Kracker

My Long Tall Woman in the Black Dress

My Long Tall Woman, my dark angel in the Black Dress gave me the answer I could not find on my own!
I was deciding who I was, what I wanted and how to go about getting it.  I was exploring something new and different and vacillating back and forth... Maybe I was being insecure and immature, but something just did not feel right, regardless how hard I tried, how curious I was or how much I thought I wanted it, I already knew in my heart it was not right for me. I was looking for assurance or a guarantee that I should do it anyway. Then she (the sculpture I just brought home from an exhibition) tipped and fell over without anyone or anything close to it.....I realized she was telling me that the words of a 2000 year old Sufi poet, that surrounded her creation were meant for this moment....
"Run my dear from anything that may not strengthen your precious budding wings.  Run like hell my dear from anyone likely to put a sharp knife into the sacred tender vision of your beautiful heart."   Hafiz


"Long Cool Woman in a Black Dress" The Hollies

Because I Want to

I wrestle with need vs. want on a regular basis.  The concept is not foreign to me.  I see need as a bad thing. Need robs me of my common sense, my rational thinking, it blurs sound judgment.
There are people, feelings, things that I want, but I will not ever allow myself to need them and there is a huge difference. Wanting lets me make choices. People and things are in my life because I freely chose.  I Made a conscious decision.
Wanting means I have freely chosen. No more needing.
I am letting go of everything about needing, making room for the new experiences of  wanting.  Wanting to dance, to love, to create and bring images from my imagination into the world. Wanting to make a difference by encouraging other marvelous creatives to do the same.  Not because I need to, but because I want to.

"Gone (going)"   Jack Johnson

I Promise, this is the last of Burning Man

But I love the whole idea of it!  The man burns 8-30-2014

THE 10 PRINCIPLES 

Radical Inclusion

Anyone may be a part of Burning Man. We welcome and respect the stranger. No prerequisites exist for participation in our community.

Gifting

Burning Man is devoted to acts of gift giving. The value of a gift is unconditional. Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value.

Decommodification

In order to preserve the spirit of gifting, our community seeks to create social environments that are unmediated by commercial sponsorships, transactions, or advertising. We stand ready to protect our culture from such exploitation. We resist the substitution of consumption for participatory experience.

Radical Self-reliance

Burning Man encourages the individual to discover, exercise and rely on his or her inner resources.

Radical Self-expression

Radical self-expression arises from the unique gifts of the individual. No one other than the individual or a collaborating group can determine its content. It is offered as a gift to others. In this spirit, the giver should respect the rights and liberties of the recipient.

Communal Effort

Our community values creative cooperation and collaboration. We strive to produce, promote and protect social networks, public spaces, works of art, and methods of communication that support such interaction.

Civic Responsibility

We value civil society. Community members who organize events should assume responsibility for public welfare and endeavor to communicate civic responsibilities to participants. They must also assume responsibility for conducting events in accordance with local, state and federal laws.

Leaving No Trace

Our community respects the environment. We are committed to leaving no physical trace of our activities wherever we gather. We clean up after ourselves and endeavor, whenever possible, to leave such places in a better state than when we found them.

Participation

Our community is committed to a radically participatory ethic. We believe that transformative change, whether in the individual or in society, can occur only through the medium of deeply personal participation. We achieve being through doing. Everyone is invited to work. Everyone is invited to play. We make the world real through actions that open the heart.

Immediacy

Immediate experience is, in many ways, the most important touchstone of value in our culture. We seek to overcome barriers that stand between us and a recognition of our inner selves, the reality of those around us, participation in society, and contact with a natural world exceeding human powers. No idea can substitute for this experience

How Will I know?

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, which may be an interesting side effect of being an artist, but again at that risk…once you find out you have a chronic terminal disease things change. Not at first, this takes a while, and believe me there is no one there to usher you through the process, no books on the self-help aisles either!

So this quote, (that did not have a source) makes as much sense to me as anything I have figured out for myself.  Seems to boil down to a few  simple words…love-live-let go. 

When I realized my time was limited, and after I finished licking my emotional wounds, I began running after life and love…coming at it from every direction, making and executing bucket lists, embracing and creating every new feeling, cramming in as much as I possibly could while I still feel well enough to do it. 

What I have struggled with is “letting go”.  How do I know what is or is not meant for me. Every cliché’ insured me that  growth and learning demand some discomfort, moving outside of my comfort zone and no pain-no gain.

How will I know what to let go of and when? 

"I'm a Mess" Ed Sheeran

Tribe, Community and Letting Go....Another Burning Man has come & gone....

"How many dreams out there can we make happen?"
Just watching sends chills up my spine,
I cannot imagine how it would feel to actually be there....

"it's about loving creating it, giving it energy and then letting go of it"

I Believe

This better than anything I could say explains this past week!
All of the quotes and words of wisdom are just that….words….unless I understand how it actually happens in my life.
The only thing I am certain I believe, without question is that I have a whole lot more to learn.

"I Believe"  Indigo Girls

The Lines

Lines? What lines?
Were there supposed to be lines?

This one came across my FB page, and reminded me that it is OK to do things my way. If I am uncomfortable, if the hair stands up on the back of my neck, pay attention....it is time to walk away.

To hell with the lines! This life is going to be a masterpiece!


"Obeah Woman"   Nina Simone

Old Comfortable Friends

Broken crayons still color.....I knew this as a child!  Of course I would rather have the brand new, fresh crayons, pristinely standing in their box.

I saw pictures made with the broken crayons and they were beautiful, as good as if not better than the pictures created by the new ones. Still I would scheme and push to get to the front of the school line so I would have the new crayons, as if their sharp tips, fresh cover paper and unbroken length would make me a better artist/person. New crayons would somehow insure that I would be liked.

The broken crayons, my old comfortable friends, when I hold them in my hand,  their peeled papers and worn tips remind me of all the amazing colorful pages they have already created and they are ready to do it again.

"True Colors"  Phil Collins

Cheap wine

and 

a very large bottle of cheap wine!

yea-yea- I will get over it, but then it might be kind of nice if__________(fill in the blank)

"Shake Me Like a Monkey"  Dave Mathews Band

Back....Back...Back

Back into the studio,

Back into my world. 

Back to the place that reminds me of the amazing power of creation. 

Back to a place where I am grateful for everything I have.

Back to the place where I am alone, focused, strong,

Back where I do not need…

Back to the place where my power lives.  

"It's Amazing"  Jem

Sleep NAKED!

Yep I knew that would get your attention!

Yep….that will do it!  Excellent therapy!  An extremely difficult week, full of tough life revelations, hard decisions, and a snoot full of overwhelming confusion.  Chocolate, wine and sleeping naked…. that ought to help!


"Life is Better With You" 
Michael Franti & the Spearheads

number 3

#3 (and multiples of) keep popping up everywhere today, not just my blog although that number is pretty exciting, but lots of other little places and I thought I had better look into this!

ATTRIBUTES OF THE NUMBER 3
Number 3 resonates with the energies of optimism and joy, inspiration and creativity, speech and communication, good taste, imagination and intelligence, sociability and society, friendliness, kindness and compassion. Number THREE also relates to art, humour, energy, growth, expansion and the principles of increase, spontaneity, broad-minded thinking, synthesis, triad, heaven-human-earth, past-present-future, thought-word-action, demonstrates love through creative imagination, comprehensive, fulfilment, encouragement, assistance, talent and skills, culture, wit, a love of fun and pleasure, freedom-seeking, adventure, exuberance, brilliance, free-form, being brave, non-confrontational, free-form, rhythm, passion, surprise, sensitivity, self-expression, affability, enthusiasm, youthfulness, enlivenment, psychic ability, manifesting and manifestation.

HOW COOL IS THAT! Synchronicty breaking out everywhere!
http://numerology-thenumbersandtheirmeanings.blogspot.com/2011/02/number-3.html

"3 is a Magic Number"  Blind Melon
and School House Rock
Holy Crap! it happened again and again! in the same day!

I Will Never Get Another One...

Filling my now with life, love and new experiences is reaching the depths and filling in the width. 

I want to live everyday like I will never get another one, this day will never come again I want it to be incredible!

"Something New"  Tom Fletcher

Standing Proudly!

First thing Monday morning I wake up to a FB post, actually 2 of them about artists, and what exactly a messy studio and/or desk says about their creativity. How RUDE…..it is Monday for God’s sake, give a girl a break!!!

As it turns out it was not all bad! I was expecting a finger wagging lecture about the attributes of having a clean organized studio, and that would free your mind and unleash your creativity. However, I got amazing, put my studio to shame, examples of Picasso, Calder and Einstein, who by the look of things were total slobs. Oh how my heart sang!

The mess in my studio is embarrassing; no matter how hard I try. In my own defense, I have accomplished short periods of organization, but they never last. It is a raging unruly mess! It is so bad that when someone knocks on the door, I run to close the studio door BEFORE opening the front door.

I think it is time to quit beating myself up about my evil, disorganized, slovenly studio and start  grinning from ear to ear….standing proudly in the company of Picasso, Calder and Einstein!

    

                                                                   "Evil Ways"  Santana

“Never Going to Survive This….Unless You Get a Little Crazy”

This was one of the first times I had enough nerve to not only be a little crazy, but let others see it and then take them along for the ride. It is so scary to step outside the lines, of acceptable proper behavior. But once the first small step has been taken, it becomes easier. The next step gets a little bigger and is not quite as scary…in fact after a few more steps it even becomes fun!

And here is the most spectacular revelation….when I release my fears, become a little crazy… it seems to give the people around me permission to release their own fears and do the same!

So yes, I will survive this in my own way…..Yes, I am a little crazy! Want to come along?

"Crazy"  Seal

Allowing My heart to Take it's Course...is Not Always Easy

I am still learning how to grieve. I clearly recognize the parts of me that are compromised and failing.  The loss of  relationships, creative projects, a job or a longed for dream, I am loosing the person I was.  However, my grieving takes me into the fertile space of the unknown. Sitting in this space allows for something new to be born. Perhaps a new aspect of myself, new found resources, new values, a new life pathway or a surprising new relationship.  It takes such courage to resist filling my inner space with something known or predictable. It is a spiritual practice to nurture my capacity to love, live, believe, and celebrate without concrete proof, that something wonderful is going to happen that is just right for me. 

Allowing my heart to take its course is not always easy.

"Good Life" One Republic

Adventure happens.....when something goes wrong!

and nothing could express it better than a Pollock painting!  A perfect example of total chaos....that works!
At the art movie last night...several unsuccessful attempts to get an unfamiliar computer, digital projector and speakers to work together, began the adventure.  One of the artists found that the TV behind the bar had a DVD player.  I just do not have the words that could adequately paint you a picture of a bunch of artists, mashed tightly together, sitting on the back side of a bar huddled around a TV screen with a bottle of wine and chocolate covered pomegranates.  There could have been nothing more intimate (or silly)!  I can not imagine having a more indepth, intimate, meaningful, enjoyable (and at times hysterical) discussion.  Jackson Pollock would have been of proud of us!  You just had to be there to really understand how perfect the whole evening was!
GREAT adventure really does happen.....when something goes wrong!


"Mama Told Me Not to Come"  Three Dog Night

I choose to giggle, smile and enjoy silly-ness!

This should be taught in school! No person should be allowed to graduate from high school until they have completed this course of “Relax and Enjoy Your Life 101” and then they should have to take a course in “Critical Thinking” (as required by UMASS) upon entering any higher education!
We have been trained to shut up and put up with rudeness, vulgarity, disrespect as just another part of everyday life. We are also falling into the dangerous “band wagon” style of thinking, following the masses instead of having the strength to stand up for your own thoughts and feelings. Unwilling to invest the time to develop our own opinions and afraid to express any idea that is different, original or unusual we blindly follow the loudest voice or even worse the voice that tries to convince us that they know what is best for us.
Responsible, happy, well-adjusted people exist everywhere! They are not threatened by unique ideas or people. They giggle and smile and love life!
I choose to be inspired!
I choose to giggle, smile and enjoy silly-ness!

"Chain of Fools"  Aretha

My Beach Boys!

Summer 2014

Flagler Beach with all the boys!

What a great time with all of the grandsons!

Magnificent Event

Someone once told me that the cure for depression would not come from a bottle of pills or sessions with a psychiatrist, but from getting out and watching the miracle of a sunrise.  The promise that it is a brand new day, with new adventures, new things to learn, every day we all get to be new again!  After this week of making a point of getting up in time to see every sunrise, I am amazed at how different each of them are.  It really is the most magnificent event and it happens every day

Flagler Beach Sunrise 8/8/14

"Here Comes the Sun"  The Beatles

Check

When this ne came across my FB page, I went down the list,
check....
check....
check....
check!

Until a few years ago #2 and #10 might have been a #3!
But not NOW
Now I can proudly claim all 10
...especially #4 and #6!

 
"Follow Me"  Uncle Kracker

Whew! Exhibition is up and I am down...pooped!

now off to the beach, before the opening reception!

A Finger...Two Dots...Then me...

"The design, the design, the desgin 
in the stars.... is the same in our hearts"
This poet is absolutely amazing.... 

I am stunned every time I watch this. 

God....I hope this is true!

 

I am

I am... still learning how to find my voice, 

I am... beginning to listen to my heart, 

I am.. figuring out how to be strong in spite of some formidable odds.  

It is NOT easy and NOT what some want from me.  Although, artistically I have pursued the life I imagined, I did so quietly.  I did not share that life; it was quite bohemian and was never certain how “they” would take it. 

I am... not going to aggressively pursue opportunities to exert my point of view, change your mind, or beg you to like me.

I am... just becoming strong enough and bold enough to be me.

"What I am"  Eddie Brickell & The New Bohemians

"Hold on to Your Heart"

"Hold on to Your Heart" 2014

For years I have gone out of my way to make sure most people did not know about my heart problems. I always saw it as a huge deficit that would compromise my effectiveness as an artist, a facilitator, and any kind of functioning person. It has been a hard thing to cover up and I may not have done as good a job as I thought I have, but the effort was there.
As heart failure goes, things progress that have required some additional routine attention and twice weekly visits to the hospital for rehab and monitoring. It is hard, frustrating, time consuming, disease fixated and it takes my focus away from my art and my amazing full life. It has done so, without my knowledge or permission and it is showing up in my work.
I am not absolutely certain it was a good decision to keep my life and my art separated. It appears that life is erupting into my work, again, without my permission. I am pleased with this work. I was surprised at how quickly it evolved. I am stunned at how effectively it portrays another side of heart failure.

I am ok now (maybe) with people knowing…..

This work is going to the Casselberry Art House Gallery for a month long exhibition….”Hold on to Your Heart” I am holding on to mine as she makes her debut.

  "Hold on My Heart"  Genesis

Run

With a million things to do today, I got side tracked... uniting my sculpture and this poem by an ancient Sufi poet, Hafiz.

 I know this feeling….I have been running….

"In the Arms of The Angel"  Sarah McLachlan

Love me or not…either way I have got to wake up and face another day

Another Day, Sunrise at Flagler Beach 2014
from my spectacular sunrise walks

I only know 3 things for sure…..
I arrived alone,I will be leaving alone and I will be celebrating every day!
I have been so lucky to have love come in and out of my life, all of my life. Some came, some stayed and some had to go, but all have had amazing lessons to teach me. I have learned how I want to live, how I want to see the world and I have also learned the things I do not want to do or feel.
I appreciate all the love I have experienced and it will always be with me in my heart even if I can no longer keep it in my life every day. I have got to wake up to face another day and I want to fill it with smiles, love, dancing, laughter, creating…
I want to live with whatever the world brings me…no negativity...no regret...only gratitude!
"Love me or not…either way I have got to wake up and face another day.  What will the world bring?"  I will be celebrating every day!

"Love Me or Not"   Dub FX