Adventure happens.....when something goes wrong!

and nothing could express it better than a Pollock painting!  A perfect example of total chaos....that works!
At the art movie last night...several unsuccessful attempts to get an unfamiliar computer, digital projector and speakers to work together, began the adventure.  One of the artists found that the TV behind the bar had a DVD player.  I just do not have the words that could adequately paint you a picture of a bunch of artists, mashed tightly together, sitting on the back side of a bar huddled around a TV screen with a bottle of wine and chocolate covered pomegranates.  There could have been nothing more intimate (or silly)!  I can not imagine having a more indepth, intimate, meaningful, enjoyable (and at times hysterical) discussion.  Jackson Pollock would have been of proud of us!  You just had to be there to really understand how perfect the whole evening was!
GREAT adventure really does happen.....when something goes wrong!


"Mama Told Me Not to Come"  Three Dog Night

I choose to giggle, smile and enjoy silly-ness!

This should be taught in school! No person should be allowed to graduate from high school until they have completed this course of “Relax and Enjoy Your Life 101” and then they should have to take a course in “Critical Thinking” (as required by UMASS) upon entering any higher education!
We have been trained to shut up and put up with rudeness, vulgarity, disrespect as just another part of everyday life. We are also falling into the dangerous “band wagon” style of thinking, following the masses instead of having the strength to stand up for your own thoughts and feelings. Unwilling to invest the time to develop our own opinions and afraid to express any idea that is different, original or unusual we blindly follow the loudest voice or even worse the voice that tries to convince us that they know what is best for us.
Responsible, happy, well-adjusted people exist everywhere! They are not threatened by unique ideas or people. They giggle and smile and love life!
I choose to be inspired!
I choose to giggle, smile and enjoy silly-ness!

"Chain of Fools"  Aretha

My Beach Boys!

Summer 2014

Flagler Beach with all the boys!

What a great time with all of the grandsons!

Magnificent Event

Someone once told me that the cure for depression would not come from a bottle of pills or sessions with a psychiatrist, but from getting out and watching the miracle of a sunrise.  The promise that it is a brand new day, with new adventures, new things to learn, every day we all get to be new again!  After this week of making a point of getting up in time to see every sunrise, I am amazed at how different each of them are.  It really is the most magnificent event and it happens every day

Flagler Beach Sunrise 8/8/14

"Here Comes the Sun"  The Beatles

Check

When this ne came across my FB page, I went down the list,
check....
check....
check....
check!

Until a few years ago #2 and #10 might have been a #3!
But not NOW
Now I can proudly claim all 10
...especially #4 and #6!

 
"Follow Me"  Uncle Kracker

Whew! Exhibition is up and I am down...pooped!

now off to the beach, before the opening reception!

A Finger...Two Dots...Then me...

"The design, the design, the desgin 
in the stars.... is the same in our hearts"
This poet is absolutely amazing.... 

I am stunned every time I watch this. 

God....I hope this is true!

 

I am

I am... still learning how to find my voice, 

I am... beginning to listen to my heart, 

I am.. figuring out how to be strong in spite of some formidable odds.  

It is NOT easy and NOT what some want from me.  Although, artistically I have pursued the life I imagined, I did so quietly.  I did not share that life; it was quite bohemian and was never certain how “they” would take it. 

I am... not going to aggressively pursue opportunities to exert my point of view, change your mind, or beg you to like me.

I am... just becoming strong enough and bold enough to be me.

"What I am"  Eddie Brickell & The New Bohemians

"Hold on to Your Heart"

"Hold on to Your Heart" 2014

For years I have gone out of my way to make sure most people did not know about my heart problems. I always saw it as a huge deficit that would compromise my effectiveness as an artist, a facilitator, and any kind of functioning person. It has been a hard thing to cover up and I may not have done as good a job as I thought I have, but the effort was there.
As heart failure goes, things progress that have required some additional routine attention and twice weekly visits to the hospital for rehab and monitoring. It is hard, frustrating, time consuming, disease fixated and it takes my focus away from my art and my amazing full life. It has done so, without my knowledge or permission and it is showing up in my work.
I am not absolutely certain it was a good decision to keep my life and my art separated. It appears that life is erupting into my work, again, without my permission. I am pleased with this work. I was surprised at how quickly it evolved. I am stunned at how effectively it portrays another side of heart failure.

I am ok now (maybe) with people knowing…..

This work is going to the Casselberry Art House Gallery for a month long exhibition….”Hold on to Your Heart” I am holding on to mine as she makes her debut.

  "Hold on My Heart"  Genesis

Run

With a million things to do today, I got side tracked... uniting my sculpture and this poem by an ancient Sufi poet, Hafiz.

 I know this feeling….I have been running….

"In the Arms of The Angel"  Sarah McLachlan

Love me or not…either way I have got to wake up and face another day

Another Day, Sunrise at Flagler Beach 2014
from my spectacular sunrise walks

I only know 3 things for sure…..
I arrived alone,I will be leaving alone and I will be celebrating every day!
I have been so lucky to have love come in and out of my life, all of my life. Some came, some stayed and some had to go, but all have had amazing lessons to teach me. I have learned how I want to live, how I want to see the world and I have also learned the things I do not want to do or feel.
I appreciate all the love I have experienced and it will always be with me in my heart even if I can no longer keep it in my life every day. I have got to wake up to face another day and I want to fill it with smiles, love, dancing, laughter, creating…
I want to live with whatever the world brings me…no negativity...no regret...only gratitude!
"Love me or not…either way I have got to wake up and face another day.  What will the world bring?"  I will be celebrating every day!

"Love Me or Not"   Dub FX

Edges

And I cannot afford to lose my edge.
I do not have the time or energy

to chase after other people’s problems.
I do not have the time or energy 

to be what someone else expects me to be.
I do have all of the time and energy in the world to fill my heart with love and important things.
And yes…when it is all done…

I can only hope I was too big, too soft and way too edgy!

"Maybe There's a World"  Yusuf (Cat Stevens)

It is not worth having...

Too much life wasted, too much time spent trying to have other people like me, allowing myself to be controlled by their life stories their life rules.  I have no expectations.  I respect and honor their choices, but I no longer need their approval. I am just now learning how to love me and what I do.

   

"Try" Colbie Caillot

NOT my style....but...

I know...I know...NOT my style, but I just needed to go in the studio and play.  Then the the creative "voice" had something to say....and it needed words! "Take time out for your heart's desires....love, friends, music, art, family, words."


"Haven't Got Time for the Pain"  Carly Simon

Just took one of those sillyFB tests....

What color is your aura.....

After answering a series of random unrelated questions the test proclaims red is my aura and reports: 

A red aura is one high in energy, which shows that you may have some unresolved anger or fear. However, it also shows that you have a lot of strength and passion, which will help you resolve any conflicts. This passion can be in relation to romance as well, as a red aura signifies that love is an important factor in your life.

Wow and hmmmm?

who & what they are meant to be....

They are few and far in between, but they have drifted gloriously in and out of my life and for that I have been amazingly blessed.  My lesson is to “let go” and let the relationships be who and what they are meant to be.

"Every Day" Dave Matthews Band

Such a glorious and noble bull shit quote....

He makes it sound like it is noble fight, that it will be like going into a righteous battle. Again bullshit! Normal day to day activities take 3 times more energy and effort. And now I am finding out, that small everyday medical and/or dental procedures are now going to take 3 times more time to recuperate from. All of this sucks….I want a full life with no physical limitations, not this half ass sick and hurting all of the time crap.
I am pissed off.  I am tired of fighting.
I should be fine by now….

I should be fine by now!!! Damn it!

"All the Right Moves"  One Republic

Donating…. For the RIGHT reasons!

I rarely donate now.

"They Always come in Threes"
Available at the Leesburg Center for the Arts
Wine Pairings Dinner Aug. 8th

 
I was constantly being asked for a piece of my work to charitable auctions. I was promised “You will get great exposure, this is your audience! “There will be an affluent audience with discretionary income that appreciate and buy art”. I would donate, then quietly sit back and pat myself on the back thinking I was a good person for giving to a worthy cause, I got a little niche marketing done and an added perk was the income tax deduct.

That is the fairy tale version of artists donating their work. The reality is often times your name as the contributing artist is not noted or publicized, the buyers are looking to get a great deal, not pay retail and the galleries that represented me were never happy about that, some of them even began including participating in charitable auctions as part of their exclusivity contracts. Finally it came as a shock when I learned that IRS tax codes only allowed me to deduct the cost of my materials to create the piece as a deduction, instead of the finished value of the art. It did not take me long to learn that donating my art did not benefit me.

AND THAT WAS THE PROBLEM! I was looking for how the donation would benefit me, not giving because it was a cause I believed in or had any passion for.

Now if you may see a piece of my work at a charitable auction I want you to understand that it is a cause I am absolutely passionate about!  That the donation is from my heart, I am not receiving any financial or marketing benefit.

I hope you will join with me in my passion for the cause, bid high and often knowing that the money raised is going to a cause I love and support dearly!

And I hope you get it for a great price!

"Something to Talk About" Bonnie Raitt

Just Keep Breathing

One of those days…after several “nothing could go wrong” great time days, the "you will pay for this” days have arrived.  I feel like I have been held hostage, tip toeing around to maintain a happy balance. I start  making changes and the rebellions begin. Will I ever be good enough or strong enough?  I have got to learn how to love me. It is the one most important relationship I will ever have. There is so much that I am going to have to do alone in the future.  I have got to learn how to do this!  Love myself..
But Right now.....
I just have to keep breathing….

"Keep Breathing"  Ingrid Michaelson

Whew....Last Wednesday

Bucket List....Woo-Hoo!
Dave Matthews Concert...Tampa
with Terry, Jill and Darren!

"Ants Marching"

He wakes up in the morning, Does his teeth bite to eat and he's rolling, Never changes a thing
The week ends the week begins, She thinks, we look at each other,
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing, These crimes between us grow deeper
Take these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die
Goes to visit his mommy, She feeds him well his concerns, He forgets them
And remembers being small. Playing under the table and dreaming
Take these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die
Driving in on this highway, All these cars and upon the sidewalk, People in every direction
No words exchanged
No time to exchange
And all the little ants are marching, Red and black antennas waving
They all do it the same, They all do it the same way
Candyman tempting the thoughts of a Sweet tooth tortured by the weight loss
Program cutting the corners Loose end, loose end, cut, cut
On the fence, could not to offend
Cut, cut, cut, cut
Take these chances, Place them in a box until a quieter time
Lights down, you up and die

Strong Women

Now…let me clarify this….because quite frankly this sounds like a sanctimonious, holier than thou bitch!  But really it is not.  Strong women come in all different kinds.  What they do have in common is that they “stand and deal”.  Although I believe I have always been a strong woman, I was strong for all of the wrong reasons, I was strong because it has been what other people in my life expected of me.  I am not certain I ever did it because it was what I chose to do. 

The difference is now I choose.

I choose to be strong, I am not really good at it yet….I have a lot to learn but..

I am learning to love me.

"Stronger Woman"  Jewel

I believe....

" I Believe"   Christina Perry

I believe if I knew where I was going I’d lose my way
I believe that the words that he told you are not your grave
I know that we are not the weight of all our memories
I believe in the things that I am afraid to say
Hold on, hold on
I believe in the lost possibilities you can see
And I believe that the darkness reminds us where light can be
I know that your heart is still beating, beating, darling
I believe that you fell so you would land next to me
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive
I believe that tomorrow is stronger than yesterday
And I believe that your head is the only thing in your way
I wish that you could see your scars turn into beauty
I believe that today it’s okay to be not okay
Hold on, hold on
‘Cause I have been where you are before
And I have felt the pain of losing who you are
And I have died so many times, but I am still alive

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning [x4]

(Hold on)

This is not the end of me, this is the beginning

(Hold on)

Divine Paradox

I love what I have with all of my heart, but it is quite exhausting! I wonder…will I be ready for more tomorrow and the next day and the next. This is precisely the paradox and the kind of thinking that provides all of the energy I need for today. Just in case tomorrow sucks, I try to put everything I have into today. One of the biggest changes of thinking I have had to do, is realize that it does NOT GET ANY BETTER than it is today. I have been taught all of my life to plan ahead, set goals, strive to be better than I am today.
No one ever taught me how to be the best I could be for just today.
I am working on it!

"One Hand in My Pocket"  Alanis Morisette
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chickenshit And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet...'cause I've got one hand in my pocket

The Creative Process

Finally,  a visual of the creative process! I do not think any further explanation is really needed, however I do feel compelled to offer some, you knew I would!

Panic and the final approach to a deadline feel like they are correct, it is the “fucking off” period that I feel needs a little clarification.

It is the time that I KNOW I have a deadline, I NEED to be much further along and here I sit…

writing in this blog,

reading other peoples blogs and posts on FB,

cleaning the studio,

making a list of what I need to do,

organizing my underwear drawer,

checking out recipes, (please keep in mind that I am a really bad cook, this does not help, but I think it will!)

giving myself a manicure

and a host of equally unimportant but necessary activities that promote creativity.

Yep the largest and most critical part of the creative process is fucking off and I am so good at it!

   
"Someday"  Sugar Ray

and most of all be HAPPY!

And oh my....what an amazing story it will be.

Some will never believe it...

Others may shake thier heads, because they knew it all along

but in the end  

 I want you all to know, 

I am, happy!

"Skivvie" Super Powers

One of my all time favorite authors, Danielle La Porte ("Fire Starter Sessions & The Desire Map") posted beauty tips in her blog today, which is highly unusual for a quasi-spiritual creative business guru, but perhaps it is her outsider thinking in all areas that keep me so caught up in her philosophy and writing.  http://www.daniellelaporte.com/beauty

She rattled off some of the typical things about, hair color, eyeliner, moisturizer, toner, drinking lots of water, etc., etc. etc. but then she stepped out and included a little blurb on "skivvies" finishing up the blog with this profound statement  "And when my bra and panties match, well, my super powers are extra-activated"!  

Giggling uncontrollably for the next 15 minutes until tears were rolling down my cheeks,  I realized she was absolutely right.  My best days in the studio do seem to arrive when my skivvie super powers are activated! Thank you Danielle for an afternoon of giggles and activating my creativity with some serious skivvie super powers!           

"Super Hero"  Ross Lynch

So....You want to be a writer....

I am NOT a writer....but oh my..... this one screamed at me!

My Language

And sometimes shapes and colors are my language, they speak louder than any words I could manage. When I say yes or no I hope you understand that it is not about you, but about me. I am for the first time in my life holding on to my heart. Fearlessly connecting my own life and emotion with passion and excitement. My intent is never to hurt or complicate another’s life but to honor my own heart.

"Dust to dust"  The Civil Wars

You're like a mirror, reflecting me  Takes one to know one, so take it from me

You've been lonely  You've been lonely, too long

We've been lonely  We've been lonely, too long

Sacred

If there were really words that could in some way explain this journey….they would be here….I wish I could explain the battle I have with my own heart. The one thing that keeps me alive, the one thing that spiritually guides my emotions, is the thing that has turned on me. I am waging a medical, chemical war on my own heart. Thousands and thousands of dollars have been spent to test it, examine it, push it, medicate it and I forget to ask myself how do I feel about it. And when I finally do, it feels wrong. It is a spiritual fight between expectations and reality. I suspect it is a sacred war that has been going on since the beginning of time…there is nothing new here.

"Faith of the Heart"  Rod Stewart

It's Hard...

I have such a hard time allowing people in, I have had several people tell me that I just do not let them in….. and I thought I did. But I have to admit perhaps I am just afraid for anyone to see my weak spots, afraid they might not like my darks. I have spent a lifetime not being allowed to be anything less than strong. Weakness and fear are not acknowledged or accepted in my family. I learned how to take care of me by not exposing myself. Every once in a while when my emotions reached an overwhelming place and did slip out, they were perceived as criticisms. My feelings were always unreasonable and irrational. I am not complaining, for the most part the walls I built around my emotions are what make me strong. When I look back at my art and my love of Caravaggio’s art works I am seeing that it is all of the darks that make the lights in the art and in my life sing.
Right now, so much of my strength is getting redirected towards a disease that I know in my heart I will not win…I am getting tired and questioning whether or not that struggling to be strong is only wasting my energy. I do not want to waste any more energy trying to convince me and everyone around me that I am strong. I want to spend my time, my energy, on my life, love and living.

  

"Blackbird"  The Beatles                

What I want...laughing, living, loving!

You know what???? Marilyn is absolutely right! Another round of overwhelming depression. Is it really the a result of living with a chronic disease…as I have been told?  Out of desperation I looked up the meds, one of them listed severe depression as the #1 side effect. Now I understand why they keep asking me this at rehab, explaining that heart failure is a huge cause of depression and then depression will make heart failure worse. Well NO SHIT…when the meds you have me on also cause depression…..what chance do I have? This has got to stop, anything or even nothing has to be better than this! The meds have got to go, because at this point it is exactly what I want. I want to laugh, love, enjoy my life ….not this!


"All the Right Moves"  One Republic

The 4th

Well, if it were not for that 151 proof watermelon.....

It was a wonderful sparkly 4th of July!
Thanks!

 
"American Baby"  Dave Matthews

My life....my happiness...

and I have to remember that there is no one or no thing that can take this from me without my permission.

 No doctors 

No medications 

No friends 

No family 

No money 

No unfortunate situation 

that can take away my creativity,happiness and my ablity to love, play and enjoy my life!

"Strong"  One Direction

Fail

There are some days I am so much better at failing than others!  Yesterday was one of those days that I let failing bite me in the butt! It was unexpected, not fun and just plain overwhelming!  I powered through it in front of others and then just melted down when there was no one around to see me.
It's a new day, I get to start all over again!


"Everyday"  Dave Matthews Band

Simply Believing

Kind of simple and sappy….”just believe” but it is a great life tool!  But a tool I think so many have forgotten about or worse only allow themselves to attach the word to religious values. Does believing have to be so incredibly outrageous that all common sense must be suspended to believe.  Believing is a small internal act of choosing.  Choosing to go against what is typically accepted to be true.  It is indeed my choice!  I have done so many impossible things by simply believing that I can!

"I Believe"  Christina Perri

The Best Day of my Life...

The decision has always been mine, but making it has been a difficult one. I have wanted to claim it, but have been afraid.
Part of my upbringing firmly believed that a rule is a rule is a rule and you do NOT break rules. There is no forgiveness. What other people think IS important.
The other part of my upbringing believed in the rule up to the point that they wanted to break it. So if you could find enough reasons, blame someone else, or get a doctor’s note, well then, rules become optional.
Sorting out and finding my balance has been a struggle. My life as my journey, my gift that I and I alone am responsible is a wonderful description of the balance I have been looking for. My children are grown, the people I love will come to know that I alone am responsible for the quality of my life.  The choices  I make are getting eaisier but I am still wrestling with it.  I am creating an amazing journey!


"Shaking the Tree" Peter Gabriel

No wonder!

and now it is perfectly understandable why I am so addicted to the music! Woo-hoo!

Thank you!

...For flights that took off and arrived on time.

...For friends and family that may not understand my path, my choices or my secrets, but support me unconditionally in my attempts to embrace and explore everything my life can offer me with new exciting and loving experiences.

...For the open arms, hours and hours of heart felt loving conversations that expose me at my core and allow me to be afraid, or giggle, to play or cry when I need to share my heart.

"Kind & Generous"    Natalie Merchant

Push!

Getting on an airplane for the first time in almost 5 years!  Whew!  Going to Atlanta......away from all of my safety nets! Scared, excited, deliberately pushing way outside of my comfort zone! It is amazing that I started cardiac rehab this week and they have stressed over and over again to push my physical body....not too much...but push! I will not get stronger unless I push my limits!  Now, I am emotionally pushing, too!
Regardless of what happens, I will come back a much stronger and confident woman.
It is amazing....I can do this!

                                "It's Amazing"  Jem

I am creative!

One of those goofy FB quizzes and holy crap!
Maybe, just maybe I really am!

   
"Art"  Tanya Davis
"I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard just because i like them does that mean i should mic them and see what might unfurl

i think of the significance of my opinions here
is it significant to be giving them does anybody care just because i'm into this does that mean i should live like it and really do i dare"
                                                  ~ Tanya Davis

The Summer "Big Girl Panty Report"

Things are changing!  I am pushing back, I mean I have always pushed, but now I am really pushing! Cardiac rehab is new and going well....challenging me to move way past my comfort zone.  I am finding physical and emotional strength that I thought might have been gone forever!  Doctors have lined up a second round of tests waiting for insurance approval up but I am not putting anything on hold for them, this time they work around me. My life goes on and this time I am not worried about what they say.   Nothing can hurt me now!
#1  Going on a trip, a flight, albeit it really short to Atlanta.  Flying, going out of state is something I have been deathly afraid to do!  What if something happens while I am not home???? Time to face that fear and I am DOING IT anyway!
#2  A second beer drinking, bootie shakin' trip to the Tampa Dave Matthews concert coming up, too. #3 And a week at the beach with all of my grandsons.
It is going to be a great summer!  Not worring about a thing...

"Don't You Worry 'Bout a Thing"  Stevie Wonder

What a fool I have been!

OK… so I am not 65 or 75 but….I got some other issues that certainly helped me relate.  Although I never got even remotely close to perfect, I now look back on my life and see how much of my life and energy I wasted on trying to get there or trying to make the rest of the world think, I already had it.  I squandered time, money, my children, energy, talent, life, (and this list can go on and on and on) doing what other people expected, very rarely asking  is this what I wanted.  Now that I am getting closer to my end, I find myself desperately wanting to make up for lost time.  Going out of my way to have experiences I have denied myself.  Maybe I am over doing, maybe not. Maybe somewhere in here I will find the balance. 

When the author said it will break your heart…It will… it does, and it did… I let it break my heart…What a fool I have been!

"Chain of Fools"  Aretha Franklin

“Well behaved women, rarely make history.”

“Well behaved women, rarely make history.” ~Marilyn Monroe 
I just bought this ring with that saying etched in the metal. It is huge, obnoxious and on some level compliments the “no fear” tattoo on my foot except maybe it is more encouragement to act rather than react. Time to be brave, push harder, reach further, make the most of and appreciate every moment and my life, even when others won’t or don’t know how to. I am finally figuring it out.
 There is no heaven, hell or happily ever after. They are all fairy tales, there is no such thing in reality. So….I can wallow in pathetic reality or launch like a fool into life creating a new adventure and another dream. I do not really care if you think I am nuts or do not understand it!      It is.... after all my reality! 

"Closer to Fine"  Indigo Girl

I'm trying to tell you something about my life, Maybe give me insight between black and white

The best thing you've ever done for me, Is to help me take my life less seriously, it's only life after all

Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, And lightness has a call that's hard to hear

I wrap my fear around me like a blanket, I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I'm crawling on your shore.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

I went to see the doctor of philosophy  With a poster of Rasputin and a beard down to his knee

He never did marry or see a B-grade movie, He graded my performance, he said he could see through me

I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper, And I was free.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains, I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

  

I stopped by the bar at 3 a.m. To seek solace in a bottle or possibly a friend

I woke up with a headache like my head against a board , twice as cloudy as I'd been the night before

I went in seeking clarity.

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain

There's more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive The closer I am to fine.

We go to the bible, we go through the workout

We read up on revival and we stand up for the lookout

There's more than one answer to these questions

pointing me in a crooked line

The less I seek my source for some definitive

The closer I am to fine      ~Indigo Girls

Listen

"If it takes my whole life

I won't break, I won't bend

It will all be worth it

Worth it in the end

Cause I can only tell you what I know

That I need you in my life

When the stars have all gone out

You'll still be burning so bright."

"Answer"  Sarah McClachlan

Thank you Daddy!

Father's Day 2014....
and I am just beginning to have the grace and love to look back on a very rocky childhood and begin to truly appreciate and be grateful for all that I did have.  Your lessons, both good and bad have given me the strength I have today.
Thank you Daddy, I use that strength every day!


"Life in Color"  One Republic

My wedding day, just before walking down the aisle 40 years ago.

Back in the Waiting Line....

I find myself back waiting in line, at the door of the medical industry, I need to remember that this is their business, my personal health and welfare are not their primary concern, my ability to pay is.

The only thing that is a little different this time is that I am taking responsibility for my expectations. I do not expect anything from them and I will appreciate those that do help me.  But I choose to not give them my power. Or expect anything from them.

"In the Waiting Line"  Zero 7
Doesn't seem to be 

anybody else who agrees with me

Ah and I'll shout and I'll scream But I'd rather not have seen, And I’ll hide away for another day

Do you believe In what you see. Motionless wheel, nothing is real. Wasting my time, in the waiting line

Do you believe in what you see?

Abracadabra!

smiles
love
creativity
love
friends
love
passion
love
connected
love
excited
love
fearless
love
healthy
and oh yea.....love...love...love...love...

"The Word"  The Beatles

Much easier said than done!

We are taught and I suspect it is our second nature to avoid fear and all of the feelings that are associated with it.

We are taught to follow the rules, do not make waves, do not stand out, fit in and fear of not being "normal" seems to be the greatest tool to insure that we all are kept in line.

So the conundrum for me is that in almost every case, it is the people, the artists, the writers, the musicians, the politicians, the teachers, etc., etc. that move past their fear that break the molds of normal that we as a society most admire.  Their ability to break the chains of rules and rise above is the common link that unites each of them...they did not let fear decide their fate.

 
"Funny the Way it is"    Dave Matthews

Waiting

Tomorrow's tests were canceled....insurance has not given their approval for payment.  Part of me is so relieved, the other part was ready to get this done and over with.  I was emotionally ready to begin dealing with and making the "what next" decisions.  It has been like holding my breath for a month, waiting to find out if this last round of medication and all of the miserable side effects has made a difference or have I bought into another medical compromise.

Waiting means a few more days of not having to make decisions.  I am not giving up,
I am choosing to have a GREAT life.



"I Won't Give Up"   Jason Marz

Surrounding Myself

Sometimes I forget this….Not only do I forget it but for reasons that I cannot explain I will begin to expect that art, music, intrigue and romance should come looking for me!

What makes me or any other creative feel like if we finally declare to the world who and what we are, that these things will automatically be attracted to us. That other artists and creatives will recognize us immediately as part of their tribe.

The reality of the situation is, as an artist I need to actively participate in the act of “surrounding myself”. I cannot find any of these things on a computer screen or a TV or a book. Life, a real life, a fascinating life, a full life.... happens in person!

I am taking on the responsibility of “surrounding myself” with what I love, and what makes me happy!


"All We are"    Matt Nathanson

Some days you just got to get back up (and dance)….

There are those days that just stink, but I need to remember today and every day is is amazing and wonderful and too precious to waste. Resting, relaxing, rejuvenating, becoming inspired, napping, writing long emails, reading is not wasting time….

Worrying, jealously, envy, wanting to change someone.... those are life sucking wastes of time.
I get knocked down, but I get up again.

" I Get Knocked Down"  Chumbawamba

NOT broken!

Not broken....not me...I am not broken!  There are pieces and parts of me that are slower and maybe not as reliable as they used to be (and in some cases never really were) but they are not broken. I am  closer to "whole" than I think I have ever been in my life. No one ever really stopped me from being and expereincing all that life has to offer, I was just afraid.  Afraid, that I would upset, dissapoint and not be what others thought I should be.
I had to be ready to physically and emotionally break, lose everything before....I was willing to break the rules and come this close to whole. Not broken!

"All About You Heart"   Mindy Gledhill

settling....

"Morning Girl"  Neon Philharmonic Orchestra

Little Things

On the days that everything seems to go wrong, I forget about all of the wonderful little things that go right! Like….water heaters! What a marvelous thing, turn on just about any faucet in the house and within a few moments, amazing hot water! And that little thing, that I barely noticed and certainly did not appreciate, QUIT…..AUGH!!!!

I probably should mention that our water heater was over 35 years old, which I have been told is incredibly unusual. Perhaps I should have seen this coming. Who knew???  At any rate, part of this event was not only to simply replace the water heater but to upgrade to the newest tankless water heater.

An event of epic proportions, not only does it require water be shut off, but also upgrades to the electrical panel and that means no power either!

In the hands of licensed professionals this may not have been a big deal, but in the hands of my husband and son it becomes an entirely different event. After a weekend of flushless toilets, no showers, intermittent power, 5 trips to the hardware store, and a large amount of grousing punctuated by some really colorful language we now how an endless supply of hot water.

I am so so very grateful to Skip and Darren and this amazing hot water. It really is the little everyday things I forget to be grateful for! Thanks guys!

"Belly Belly Nice" Dave Matthews Band

Oh, the light that shines upon the gift that everyone has for the taking

And happiness so pure as this is surely worth the making

Plot Twist!

Since this all started, I have been sure I was the ONE that was going to beat this! I was the one that was going to prove to the world that art, creativity and a positive attitude could fix anything….everything. I was not going to let the medical industry take away my money, my hope and my life.
I could do this! I could do this all by myself! I do not need help.
Plot twist! I am not the ONE…
Plot Twist! Art, creativity and a positive attitude really really really help, but it does not fix anything much less everything.
Plot Twist! I hate the medical industry, and I am now at their mercy.
Plot Twist!
Plot Twist!
Plot Twist.....Moving on…….there is a great deal of peace, happiness, joy and accomplishment just in the moving on!
I am indeed MOVING ON!

"Let it Be Me" Indigo Girls

Let it be me, This is not a fighting song   Let it be me, Not a wrong for a wrong
Let it be me, If the world is night   Shine my life like a light