or
why I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday
I find it interesting, but mostly frustrating…that regardless of what or how much I have, I find myself focusing on the negativity of not enough and wanting more.
Why do I automatically “filter” out the marvelous blessings I experience everyday?
I do not think about the clothes I have on unless something pinches or I am not comfortable in them. Gotcha! I bet you weren’t even aware of what you were wearing until I just mentioned it? When the clothes fit physically and are suitable for what I am doing, I become totally oblivious and subconsciously unaware of what I have on. That is until there is some irritation or I see another really cute outfit I think is better. Then without my conscious permission my brain automatically begins to focus on the negativity, discomfort, and/or lack. The same seems to happen with my art, health, family, home, car, yard, and on and on and on.
I involuntarily screen out all of the absolutely wonderful things that are around me, in me, or on me and actively seek out the negatives I need to change, fix, optimize or rearrange. The “why” I continually did this was driving me nuts! Well hang on, here comes a huge AH-HA moment! There may be an anatomical answer for some of this "gratitude-less-ness".
WHEW! It’s not all my fault!
At the base of the brain, we all have a little screening device called the Reticular Activating System (RAS). I am not a scientist or doctor, so bare with me. The RAS is a group of cells at the base of our brains that allow us to tune out background noise when we are reading, to not really see billboards while we are driving, and not hear normal neighborhood noise as we fall asleep. In other words, without our RAS, we would be overwhelmed with input, and unable to function beyond simply processing our own environment.
I had no idea what the Reticular Activating System (RAS) was much less that I could have any concious influence in controling it. This tid-bit of critical information was not part of any science 101 class, or found in any of the bazillion self help books I have invested in, or any doctor’s office I have ever been to. I, like most of us equate brain function with stomach function. In other words I can control what goes in, but once it was there, the innate bodily functions take over and I have no conscious control of how the food or information is processed. So it came as quite a surprise, when I found out that simply being aware of the things this curious little group of RAS brain cells is normally blocking from my awareness could be a big part of why it takes such a conscious effort to be grateful. Just as mothers hear the slightest “peep” from their babies over many other louder sounds, can I choose to hear more gratitude and inspiration by simply over riding my RAS and allowing the good “noise” to rise to my conscious level?
I find myself rushing, worrying, grieving, and needing to have the next few weeks be perfect because I am afraid this will be my last chance to do these kinds of things. 
A creative life is full of fear, frustration, self-sabotage, procrastination, panic, and anxiety. But, it’s breathtaking flip side is a life full of inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.
My ability to balance what I want to do and what this body is capable of doing is still exasperating. Each day is different, some days this body seems to be perfectly willing to allow me to accomplish anything and everything I want it to do, and then without warning, another day will arrive and it protests every move I make. There is no detectable rhyme or reason for which day will be good and which day will be bad. No way to predict and work around it, there are days there is nothing I can do but cry, then get back up and keep moving.
I had an interesting and very fun session this morning in the studio with
a bottle of blue paint that I knocked off the shelf. Plan A.... was to get out of my sweaty gym
clothes in the laundry room (on the other side of the studio) where they could
be immediately washed then sprint directly to the shower. In theory, the plan was flawless until I wiped
out a bottle of blue acrylic paint as I streaked through the studio. Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately in this case), you cannot get paint back in the bottle
once it is out. Having just finished a
good walk I had admired how wonderfully strong my awesome heart has been recently, so it seemed appropriate to use the spilled
paint on me, and so I painted a big “S” for Super Woman - Super heart on my chest. Of course that meant deliberately breaking into some red and yellow paint,too, but it just had to be done! I have a kick-butt awesome strong heart! Now if I could only find a cape! (and NO I cannot post the picture here!)
I have always held hard and firm to this kind of creative
free thinking, but am finding if more and more difficult to walk away from the old
familiar life and plans. 
I want to scream fuck…. just as soon as I
finish crying. All of the control I thought I had over my own life and
emotions have been seriously tested and
I find myself in a ridiculous struggle with me. This is not what I had planned and certainly not what I expected.
Just finished another semester, the painted baby grand piano is finished and
has had an exciting very successful unveiling with jazz singer Miss Jacqueline
Jones, and the grand children have come and gone. 
My well worn art show chair, a glass of pinot, a rising
full moon, and a heart full of memories and my imagination should be soaring
forward. But, I am finding it is so much
easier to drift backwards when I was confidently clear about who I was and
where I was going. Where is that Cheryl, I want her back!
