life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Friday, June 8, 2012

The Life that is Waiting...


I have always held hard and firm to this kind of creative free thinking, but am finding if more and more difficult to walk away from the old familiar life and plans. 
When life is running smoothly “letting go of the life I had planned” was a very easy and seductive statement.  But when it turned upside down,  I found myself running straight for all of those unreliable things that I had already stepped away from. Security, acceptance, and approval …….from everyone, but myself.

In rare spurts of clarity I recover small pieces of the past me but it is coming so uncomfortably slow and in weak moments that  find myself gravitating back  towards depending on others  for my security, acceptance and approval.

I know that I must be willing to get rid of my old life to move forward, but I want, NO I need, to hold on to some of my old life.  The woman that was invincible against all odds.  The woman that was physically strong, the woman that was emotionally formidable, not caring what others thought.  She had total control of who and what she let into her heart. 

Or given the current situation, I have to wonder is this what broke my heart?
I wonder if I should be heading back to the hard impenetrable emotions of my past life, or continue to leave myself vulnerable,  stripped and wide open for pain,  doubt and uncertainty to walk in.

 What kind of life is waiting for me?

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