I have always held hard and firm to this kind of creative free thinking, but am finding if more and more difficult to walk away from the old familiar life and plans.When life is running smoothly “letting go of the life I had planned” was a very easy and seductive statement. But when it turned upside down, I found myself running straight for all of those unreliable things that I had already stepped away from. Security, acceptance, and approval …….from everyone, but myself.
In rare spurts of clarity I recover small pieces of the past me but it is coming so uncomfortably slow and in weak moments that find myself gravitating back towards depending on others for my security, acceptance and approval.
I know that I must be willing to get rid of my old life to move forward, but I want, NO I need, to hold on to some of my old life. The woman that was invincible against all odds. The woman that was physically strong, the woman that was emotionally formidable, not caring what others thought. She had total control of who and what she let into her heart.
Or given the current situation, I have to wonder is this what broke my heart?I wonder if I should be heading back to the hard impenetrable emotions of my past life, or continue to leave myself vulnerable, stripped and wide open for pain, doubt and uncertainty to walk in.
What kind of life is waiting for me?