life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

It’s a Fine Line


Sometimes it is true, If you ignore it will go away, but here is the rub….It always comes back!

When I ignore the disease and function like a “normal person”, I get tired really fast and take more naps than I like, but in general I feel better about myself and my friends and family seem to be much more comfortable around me. However, the HF people worry and accuse me of denial. Believe me…I am disgustingly aware…I am not in denial!

Giving the disease free reign over my life constantly reminds me and others of my limitations. Modifying my activities does not always seem to “conserve my energy” as the nurses said it should. It just makes me feel like I really am sick and not whole… all of the time.

There is a fine line between thinking positively and ignoring the reality and I flirt with both sides on a regular basis.

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