life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"



Friday, July 20, 2012


I have rediscovered one of my excellent talents that I thought I had long since walked away from,

It is my ability to seek out and find people, situations, and in general anything that will keep me from doing the work I love, that I am good at and that I am meant to do.

The question of how this has reemerged in my life is nowhere near as important as the why. The how is easy, it always is. The why I deliberately damage my ability to create art and myself is hard.  

This time, I recognized my ugly behavior before it consumed me. Is it enough to recognize self-sabotage to stop it or do I need to understand why I do it?

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