life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Yes....scared shitless!

 “Lean into the discomfort” is the professional version of this, but sometimes I need regular people “speak” to really understand the meaning.  Yes I understand what discomfort means, but what I have leaned into is so much bigger, meaner, nastier than discomfort.  Discomfort sounds like I might have a blister from a new pair of shoes, a hang nail or an unexpected (and expensive) car repair.  What life has handed me in the past few years was not discomfort; it has been out and out “scare the shit out of me” stuff.  Heart Attack, not so successful open heart surgery (but had to give it a shot), defibrillator implanted in my chest, and horrendous financial obligations (as a result of all of this, even after insurace!).  However…. what truly scares the crap out of me is my creative work.  What do I do next, will it be good enough, do I have the talent to pull this off, and a new class I have never taught before...teaching 2 classes over the summer,  Holy CRAP!
                                                              Yes I am scared…it just has be worth it.  I am doing it anyway!
(Trying to) Evolve    Ani DiFranco

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