life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Confessions from the Queen of Denial....

The way I handle any kind of loss and grief is denial. In an effort to be private I will play down the importance of my grief.  The way I make sure I am liked by others is to be happy and smiling all of the time, it is almost as though they insist on it. So, I ignore and hide my pain and in doing so I may be cheating myself out of some necessary life lessons by making others more comfortable. If you believe in synchronicity, and I do....this was most certainly written to me. 

 This is an excerpt from the blog post
A Conversation With Grief  JUNE 2, 2016 / by JOHN PAVLOVITZ.

You think I’m here to hurt you, but I’m trying to help.
I see. Showing up without warning in the middle of the afternoon and kicking the crap out of me, bringing me to a sobbing mess. Just how the hell does this help?
I am reminding you.
Reminding me? Of what?
Of how much you loved. Of how well you are loved. Of the reasons you miss it. Of the way you have felt. And I’m here to remind you that you’re alive. Heartbeat?  I’m alive. Get it? Without me coming around from time to time, you’ll forget just how fragile life is. You’ll forget how wonderful it is. You’ll start taking people and this place for granted. You’ll so easily become distracted and worried and you’ll miss the beauty all around you. I help you see it again.
But can’t you do it without so much… pain?
I wish I could, but the pain is necessary. This is the way your heart measures these things. This pain is the tax on loving and being loved. To take it away from you would be an insult to your love. It would deny all that you meant to one another. You see, we hurt to the degree that we cared and were cared for, and in this way pain is a memento. It’s an heirloom of memory.
But it hurts.
Trust me, that’s good. It’s a sign your heart is doing what it’s supposed to.
So this is just how things are going to be? You’re going to keep hounding me and interrupting me with tears and sobs for the duration? In the middle of whatever I’m doing, you’re just going to show up unannounced and barge in and screw up my plans?
Unfortunately. Sometimes I’ll have to chase you down and sometimes I’ll just be here waiting for you to show up. We won’t meet as often as we have before, but we’ll get together whenever I think you need it; whenever you need to see again, whenever I think you’re missing life.
This is bullshit.
Listen, I know it’s frustrating. I know it’s difficult. I know you didn’t plan on spending time with me today, but let me ask you something: Can you feel?
What?
Can you feel the love? In the tears and sobs and memories?
Well, yeah. but—
This is what I do. This is my purpose. I give you proximity to your heart that no one else can. I get you as close to love as you will ever get here in this place. I clear out time and space for you to feel it all even when it’s not convenient; to let the flood come so that you won’t forget, so that you’ll feel like the love’s right there, so that you will live the rest of the day differently. You will live it differently, won’t you?
Yes.
That’s why I showed up. You don’t need to understand or thank me. Just go and live well, and we’ll talk again soon.

"Be Honest" Jason Mraz

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