life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Saturday, June 25, 2016

The sign....




When anything new, different and possibly spectacular appears in my life, so does that chronic negative voice inside my head.  That internal voice has a limited but horribly destructive vocabulary. It begins as a malicious and constant whisper.  "Really, who do you think you are, you are not good enough, they are going to laugh, everyone will know you are a fraud", and the list goes on but it  is always responsible for me backing down, shying away from or just plain never even beginning .  A voice, that only I can hear  begins as a whisper but the more I ignore it the louder it gets.   How much life, work, love have I denied myself because I  succumbed to that heinous voice?  Every time I have moved forward with new work, new life experiences,  new anything, it shows up.  Yet, each time I have moved through it or ignored it,  I have not regretted it …..but still it has the power to stop me dead in my tracks.  Perhaps I should begin seeing that voice as a sign.  A sign that tells me whatever new thing I am bringing into my life or putting out into the world is a good thing.  That voice is just a sign, a sign that this is the right path.
"So Much to Say"  Dave Matthews Band

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