Try Something Different

Like just about everyone…. my day begins with the same ritual…get up, start the coffee, unload the dishwasher and stare out of my kitchen window, think about the day ahead of me and sigh.

A few weeks ago I set this little guy outside the kitchen window to remind me to take a moment to sit and reflect, but this morning he talked back. He clearly spoke up and asked “Do you remember when I came into the world? I arrived the day you decided to let go of all that you thought you could do, to share a day with friends focused on doing something different, challenging yourself to create the uncomfortable, stretching past the familiar to carve concrete. Carve concrete???  It does not matter that I am not perfect or even good. I AM DIFFERENT and that in itself is good."

This morning he is saying something new, something I will strive to do every day, every day, every day….
Look past the routine...
embrace opportunities to move outside my comfort zone…..
try something different….
and trust that good only exists in the "different".

nobody

Rebel's Manifesto

Walking Away from the Crash

If recognizing the problem is half the battle, then I am well on my way!

I have no flipping clue what I am on my way to, just desperately need to move away from where I have been!

It is time to do, move, go, change, shift, refocus…..

“Think of yourself as an accident victim walking away from the crash: your old life has crashed and burned; your new life isn’t apparent yet. You may feel yourself to be temporarily without a vehicle. Just keep walking.”
                                        — Julia Cameron - The Artist’s Way

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
                                               ~ Jimi Hendricks


I have been stewing in a purple haze, not Jimi’s kind (rats) but the one that I know is familiar to other artists. I find myself asking over and over again, “is this “funk” part of the ongoing price of admission in an artist’s life, is it worth it and can I emotionally afford it?” (And…by the way, knowing that these artist funks are typical, or having been through it before does not make them any easier!!!)  

My creative identity has been cemented to a specific style of work for such a long time that it feels like any redirection will mean giving up what little recognition (and income) I have worked so hard to achieve.  

Life changes combined with the mounting frustration at my inability to make my very recognizable and financially productive body of work fresh, exciting or enlivening has pushed me into a nasty toxic emotional corner. A brooding corner where all of the work is boring, dark and stagnant. I feel trapped and snarled in the fear of letting go of my old familiar art style.

I knew that when I began moving back out into the art world, the smart thing to do would be come back with my recognizable work. I had no idea that taking this creative step backwards would come at such a high emotional price. It felt wrong right away, but I was fraudulently lured back into that art and life style I knew and was comfortable with when it was met with some commercial success. As the “funk” set in I immediately took some creative baby steps forward to an entirely different art medium and style, but rapidly retreated to the old established familiar work.  

  I get irritated with my own fear and    incompetence.  I am so afraid of starting all over again that I just close down. I have shut out friends, family, creatives and anyone that I am afraid might think that is a frivolous selfish waste of time. But, worst of all I have shut down my own creativity. I know it is time to reach up in there and pull it back out regardless of what form the creativity takes.

 I know I have to do it, so please,

“Scuse’ me while I kiss the sky”!

working on it....

Every day, I must unlearn the ways that hold  me back, rid myself of negativity, and learn to fly all over again.  ~Leon Brown              
                                                                                working on it, damn it, working on it!!!!

I wonder...

I am eccentric, impractical, blunt and broken.

My days are often too dark, my nights too long.

I need attention, crave passion and long to be desired.

I trip over my own insecurities.

When words fail me and they often do, I communicate with images and music.

with all of my faults...

I wonder...

am I still worth loving?

 

Crazymaker: A L E R T

I have become really good at identifying and limiting the crazymakers in my life. You know…. those people that create and thrive in high drama, suck up your energy, disregard your time, discount your life, steal you away from your own purpose and direction and in general make you crazy (hence the name crazymaker).    

I have recently discovered one of the most insidious stealth crazymakers I have ever known! A crazymaker that is capable of stopping me dead in my tracks, redirecting my awareness away from all of the boundless positive energy and significant gratitude available to me. A crazymaker that is so incredibly sinister, detection has been almost impossible.

This devious crazymaker does not care whether I have the time or energy to participate in its distorted agenda.

This deceitful crazymaker dispenses personal destruction without the slightest hint of detection.

This cunning crazymaker truly deserves an academy award for the ability to hijack the marvelous authenticity of “now” and create a ridiculous destructive fantasy realm of          “what if”.  

This self-absorbed crazymaker ignores reality, snubs the truth, discounts common sense and disregards the blessings that exist now. 

May I introduce you to the most notorious crazymaker of all time

….ME….

 

I choose...

I need to remind myself every day, every day that it is my choice… I choose. It is alright to listen to advice and opinion but inevitably I am the responsible one that will redeem the rewards or suffer the consequences, I have to listen to my heart.

Quiet the outside, turn down the intensity of feelings and just listen to my heart, my instincts, deep down inside all of the answers are already there.

One foot in front of the other

When the only choice is to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving…that is what you do. On these crappy days I need to be vigilantly aware of how blessed I am that so many of my days are focused and full of purpose.

When these ugly days arrive, all I have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

 One foot in front of the other....One foot in front of the other...One foot in front of the other

I have a confession...



What is seen as successful, fulfilled and happy is as simple as this.

if you expect nothing from anybody, you are never disappointed

Expect nothing…keeps my heart protected and lessens pain.

Expecting nothing... keeps me insulated, safe, strong, but extremely lonely.

I am incapable of trusting and unable let anyone fully into my heart and/or life.

I cannot afford the emotional cost.

Whew...it is not just me!
from 15 Things You Should Give Up To Be Happy
14.  Give up attachment.  This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another,  attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words

Grades are posted!

And… the semester from hell is finally signed, sealed and scored! I finished with an A in Linguistics. Not a bad class, language, semantics and what constitute a truth or a lie, especially as it applies to politicians, a hard class but very interesting.

Astronomy was a bitch! I figured I would be lying on a blanket with a bottle of wine, romantically staring up at the planets, figuring out constellations and the names of stars. I sure as hell did not figure on a massive dose of physics and quantum mechanics as part of it. I was woefully unprepared for the astronomical amount of (pardon the pun) math and science required to calculate chemical compositions, orbital speeds and rates of decay. I finished with an unimpressive C, but am thrilled that I passed at all. I am ready to dance in the streets! (If I had someone to celebrate with, it would be perfect!)

I am so ready for summer! Bring on the heat!

disconnect...

Seems simple, but for me this statement is full of guilt and selfishness instead of being an uncomplicated statement of self-care.

The sharing and engaging are easy; it is disconnecting that creates the problem. The disconnecting is the source of my angst.  

I want to be liked and loved...sacrificing my own feelings to make that happen.   

Am I the only one that does not know the difference between self-care and selfishness?  

How do I learn this?

What next?

I launched back into my life last year, thinking that was all I needed to do. It was a huge emotional step.   I rescued what I had lost by digging into the past, resuming life where I left off and evoking the courage I once had to continue on the path that seemed so right for me.  

I felt returning to my work, my art and the outdoor art show circuit was all I needed to do to reclaim my life. However, while I was physically and emotionally healing, life changed or maybe it was just me.  I did learn that I can do much more physically than I thought was possible, but found out that it often comes at a high price. I am learning that I cannot simply go backwards to the life I knew and had control of.  

There has been a shift in my world.  I felt like I knew and understood that my life would be different but I did not expect that my confidence, future and purpose would lose focus and become so muddy. I wanted to effortlessly slide backward into my comfortable life, but I see now that is not going to happen. I am going to have to work hard to move forward, create a new life and it scares me.

I am frightened, lost, and I hurt. I understand that this discomfort and uncertainty is not a punishment, but a necessary part of growth and transformation.  As much as I understand this concept intellectually it does not mitigate the emotional pain I feel. 

I do not know what is next, all I can do now is release my past and faded expectations.

Maybe the Universe is telling me....more creative facilitating

It was a great opening reception!  The Artist's Way Artists enjoyed themselves, they were proud of their accomplishments  Every single umbrella sold and the proceeds will fund 4 scholarships for summer art camp. 

ummmm.....and they missed my last name on both counts....what is that about????

Outside my Comfort Zone

"Umbrellas"   2013 Leesburg Artist's Way Group Exhibition

I wish all of the answers were more clear, but maybe all I need to do right now is just keep putting me, my art and my creativity out into the Universe without any expectations.  

Facilitating the Artist's Way in Leesburg introduced me to a brand new group of artists.  This should not come as any news to me or anyone else for that matter.  However, I was quickly reminded after the first class that they were all new.  I cannot remember the last time I taught or facilitated a class that there was not at least one "repeater" and sometimes more.  It was comfortable for me to begin a new group with friendly recognizable faces.  This time they were all newbies, not one familiar face with approving nods as I work through the chapters each week. 

Tonight was wonderful and different, as this new Artist's Way Group installed their remarkable exhibition.  All of these new artists trusted and believed in me.  They followed my lead and created and reached way outside of their comfort zone. What they have created is genuinely remarkable!

They are teaching me that maybe outside of my own comfort zone is where I should consider spending  more of my own  time.

Do I have to decide NOW???

It is not hard enough to have one life situation that craves a decision, but several people, circumstances, and life all demanding I decide NOW.  

Who and what is creating all of this pressure to make these decisions? I will freely admit there is a possibility that a good part of it is coming, not from others, but from me. I am the one looking for the clean, simple, easy life, but there appear to be times that life is going to be messy no matter what I do.


What is worth my love, my heart and my life to try harder?  

When is it time to walk away, stand still or move forward?

in my heart...

Expectations & Reality

Expected a marvelous successful art show but the reality sucked!

There is no other way to describe it. All of the expenses, all of the preparation, combined with all of the physical and emotional investment needed to do an outdoor art festival are no guarantee for success.

Although it would be easier to point out the faults of the show organization, and the many egregious deficiencies that included, little if any marketing, lack of staff involvement, way to many and poor quality crafts and the inclusion of “buy sell” vendors, I must assume the responsibility. I have to step up to the plate and acknowledge my part in the failure and sincerely look for the lessons I need to learn.

First, I have to recognize that I chose to do this show. Years ago, after many failed local shows, I opted to move out of this market. It was a very successful and lucrative decision.  

Unfortunately the fear created by an old difficult experience of being hospitalized while out of town blinded me. I am afraid (and perhaps rightfully so) that it will happen again.  

I expected I could start new by continuing with my same old work, in an area I already knew was not going to work for me. My fear insisted that I stay close to home with work I knew would sell…. 

I failed anyway.

I have the experience and common sense to know better but fear of failure crept into my life and rational thinking disappeared.

I need to look at me realistically, what I can do, where I can do it, honor my life situations and make some big hard decisions about how and where I move forward with my art and my life.

And most of all I need to remember
I cannot move forward by repeating past successes.
I cannot move forward without RISK.

 

 

and...a fantastic Friday night!

The weekend is not over yet, but has already been full of ups and downs but Friday night was the bomb!

Art show tent set up was dicey at times, with the afternoon winds gusting to 20-25 mph.  A tent with all of that canvas is a square sail without a boat.  We had to keep the thing weighed down all through the "building" process, and those ugly unyielding weights ended up just being more crap to trip on and over! 

However, we gratefully escaped the forecasted rain.  The local news stations (all of them) predicted a 50% chance of heavy thunderstorms.  This is never an ideal situation for an outdoor art show and especially one that opens at night! 

Against all odds, the opening night was dry, calm and beautiful.  The lighted art tents were spectacular, the live jazz was across the lake (ummmm pond) which was great to listen to.  The music traveling over the water produced the most magnificent sound and at perfect volume.

Then I had a spectacular surprise.  A visit from a bevy of my greatest "art girls"  Tory had an early opening at Gallery 1350 West (which explains that "drop dead" gorgeous black dress and heals) and they all came from her gallery opening down to see me.  No way I could ever explain to anyone how excited and tickled I was to see them all!  Skip played bar tender pouring wine behind the tent and we celebrated ART like only we can do in the tent, well after the show officially closed!

Friday night was a phenomenal start to what I had hoped would be a fantastic weekend, but Saturday produced minimal crowds and no sales. I am discouraged but hoping tomorrow is much much better. 

Regardless of what happens next, no one can take away the joy of sharing art, dear friends and a fantastic Friday night!

Thank you all!

What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?

The last couple of weeks I have become disgustingly aware of the fact that I am just NOT a spring

chicken any more. Just not popping back up after being sick and to add injury to insult, I seem to have brewed up another totally aggravating situation. Whether it is age or HF or a combination there is no question about how much it sucks!  

And just for the record….. What the HELL is a spring chicken, anyway?

I am pretty close now!

Another round of pneumonia, another bad experience with the medical industry. Eventually I am going to learn how to do this by myself, and I am pretty close now!

Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy

                                                                                                                                                               

Having spent the most marvelous, active, energetic, busy, never a dull moment weekend with all 4 of my grandsons (ages 5-9) I can honestly say, OMG.....! Even though they are extremely well behaved boys, they are after all, little boys. There are no words that can begin to express how truly blessed I am to be close enough in both distance and emotions to spend vacation weekends with my children their wives and the next generation of Evans’s (even if they are all boys!) Wonderful, cannot hold still for one minute, little boys. Oh, if there was some way I could I just have 1 ounce of their energy.

I found it!

Several weeks ago, while madly rushing and framing for an art festival my tinker bell disappeared. It is an interesting piece of jewelry. A sterling silver ball that fits in a cradle that hangs on a chain around my neck. The ball has some kind of mechanism inside that makes the most wonderful sweet sound. It is a unique piece that not only functions as jewelry but keeps my nitro and med-alert tag hanging around on the backside of my neck. I don’t have be reminded or look at it or hear it wrangle around my neck unless I need it.

It was a gift from a dear sweet friend and my business partner for many years. We closed our business many years ago when she was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease and I continued with the picture framing business on my own. After 3 agonizing years she died. 

The tinker bell has been a constant and chronic reminder of how strong she was, and in the past few years the sweet sound reminds me that I too can be that strong.   

When I lost it, I was crushed. Finally, I gave up the search and accepted that maybe it was just how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was time to let go of old difficult memories. It was time to move on, move into the future and let go of the past, the loss and the pain. And, when I gave up looking for it, it appeared!

I missed having it around my neck, and I am so happy to have it back. Thank you Universe, I need her strength, I need her to remind me how strong I am going to have to be.

They Can Live in my Heart, but Not in My Life....

I have ruined many pieces of art overworking them, because I could not let go, I wanted it to look, feel and be different than it was.

So many times in my life, I could not let go of the way I think life, love, friends, siblings and relationships should fit into my life.  Mashing, coloring and reconfiguring them into something I could relate to while ignoring the truth of our situations.

Finally, I am beginning to see the harm I cause myself when I cannot let go of my own distorted views of reality.   I work too hard to make parts of life fit into what I think they should be rather than seeing and accepting them for what they truly are.  I cannot force others to see and share what is in my heart, or to honor what I see as important in my life.
 
The time has come to honor and acknowledge the wonderful experiences I have had, be grateful that I had them, then let go and move forward.  

They can and will be wonderful memories that will live forever in my heart, but not in my life.

Building the New

In the past few years, friends and family will tell me how wonderful I look, I always assume that means that I do not look sick. I am also grossly aware of when I am not looking so good, because those same incredible wonderful friends and family will not say anything at all. I suspect that falls under the heading “If you can’t say anything nice….”   

On the good days (and there are many more of those) I want to explain and justify why I am doing so much better than even the doctors and nurses expected, especially since most of the time I elect not to follow their instructions and medication. I am certainly not recommending this for anyone else, and I do not ignore them all of the time, but my body has been really good at letting me know when things are and are not working.   

It has been a journey and I will freely admit there have been wrong turns along the way. It has been hard to follow my “heart” (excuse the pun) against professional advice, but it has been the best thing I could have possibly done and it all boils down to one central idea that I have struggled to put into words. Then this morning a Socrates quote showed up on my FB page. His quote sang to my heart and it is the perfect explanation for my own magnificent healing!

Leesburg Art Festival is finished!!

-It was wonderful to return to the art festival circuit! 
-Packing was a bit awkward, but we figured it out.
-Tent went up relatively well, not as stiff or dusty as one might expect after being in storage for 4 years. 
-It was wicked cold and windy, but our tent held firm, and there were many artists with tents that did not.

-I got to sign the posters that had the image of my Heron on them, when people bought them.  I really felt like a movie star signing autographs. 
-I saw lots of old high school and neighborhood friends, was supported and cheered on by my Orlando art friends, and made new art friends.  Does it get any better???
-Moorings was selected for judging, but it did not win anything.  I was so tickled to have it picked up!
-All in all I sold 4 originals, (Dinghy, Great White Heron (after the show) Sax and Violin) and about a dozen prints. 
-It was hard, I was grossly tired, and I would (and will) do it again in a heart beat!!!
-I loved every minute!!!

Still Standing....

to all my cardiac docs.....HA!!!
doing what I love doing is the best medicine....EVER! 

waving red flags and snickering at me

…a few minutes to myself, before I march back into the studio, finally getting these last 3 pieces in their frames and wrapped for traveling.  All of the fear, nerves and self-doubt have shown up in mass, marching around me waving red flags and snickering at me.

I am not “needy” I am “wanty”..... there is a big difference!

What a phenomenal few nights! 
Physically exhausted and emotionally challenged!

There have been so many incredible experiences that I could not begin to communicate them at this point, it will be days of “processing” before I can begin to get them in to perspective!

One thing that I have learned without question is that I am in pursuit of Life. That is capital “ L”  Life!  A full, outrageous creative life filled with joy, laughter, and experiences that push me to the edge.

I love having friends and family but I am strong enough to do this alone.  So you can just imagine how incredibly blessed I am to have amazing open hearted (and open minded) people in my life that want to and willingly share my life as well as support my (rarely sensible, slightly outrageous) ideas. 

For the first time in my life, I am ok with living LIFE on my own terms.   It is an amazing and extraordinarily freeing feeling! 

I do not need anything…. Everything I need for a most extraordinary creative life, I already have.

I  do want ……to go anywhere and everywhere my creative heart takes me.  No boundaries!

I am not “needy” I am “wanty”...there is a big difference!

Nude Nite 2013....I did it!

 

Took a Walk on the Wild Side.....and I liked it!!!

this is exactly what I am meant to do...

The ride downtown felt like a slow walk to the gallows. A tenacious litany of questions unraveled inside my head, as I got closer. Do I belong here? They must have made a mistake. My work is not good enough! Why did they select this piece? This piece is not big or impressive enough. If I turn around now, and go home, I am certain no one will even realize I am not there. I pulled into the parking lot with about dozen other cars and artists, wondering if the same list of ugly thoughts was playing in their heads?  

I climbed down out of the van and started the long walk toward the line of artists checking in. I approached the check-in table with my image turned in and clutched to my chest I did not want anyone to see it, keeping my option open to turn and run the other way. Finally, it was my turn. They asked my name, had me sign in, handed me a brown manila envelope with my lanyard and comp. tickets then pointed me into the gallery area with further instructions. No one made any faces, turned their heads, or made any comment what so ever, it was a simple matter of fact business transaction. I mustered up every ounce of courage I could find and made my way to the area where I was to unwrap and leave my work. 

I got to the empty spot and stood long enough to take in a deep breath and look around me , really look around me. I wanted to feel and see everything happening to me, inside and out. All of that incredible art work, massive amounts of glorious talent, and images that took my breath away. A feeling of incredible satisfaction enveloped me. I was surrounded by the most phenomenal art and magnificent creatives and like magic, my breathing slowed and my heart calmed. At that precise moment, I knew this is exactly what I am meant to do.

Fearless

What a wonderful day...
 art, friends, food!

Could it possibly get any better?

Taking my life back…


FEARLESS

 

fAt FeEt dAYs

I hate fat feet days. Fat Feet do not hurt but they do feel little weird. “Snausage” toes are the reminder “things just ain’t right”. It is a benign but ugly warning that my heart is struggling and fluid is building.  These are the days that I am grateful for flip-flops!

I find that I do best and am the happiest when I do not focus on or give this disease any attention, when I continue my life doing what I want and can do. Then just about the time I have convinced myself that I have this mess whipped....BAMM…fat feet!! Like my heart is talking back to me and saying....Oh no BITCH you are not going to do that!!

Heart failure does not have symptoms that anyone can see, so I CAN  fool most of the people…most of the time. The only one I cannot fool is me, and these damn fat feet. Some days I am still afraid.  Some days fat feet just plain scare me.

Can I still do it....

It’s CRUNCH time….

Four on the boards, some better than others, but all better than the 2 I blew a couple of weeks ago. I still find my biggest problem is OVER WORKING them. This is an ongoing problem I not only have with my art, but I find this issue showing up in my life, too. Trying so very hard to let go of all things that do not move me back into the life I loved and…… then let go of this obsession to over work everything that is in my life now.  

Three weeks to my first outdoor art show in 4 years. My stomach is in knots, the work is so-so and I am wondering if I can still do it??????

2013 First Full Moon

 

 

Drumming on the first full moon of the year. It was quite a few years ago that a dear creative friend introduced me to the first full moon of the year celebrating. It has become a night that I look forward to celebrating, every year, thank you Lillian! We had so much fun, but boy did we miss you!  Reconnecting, and the drum rhythms were amazing.  So much satisfaction to just melt into to the sounds of the night and flow with them.  It turned out to be a marvelous lesson for moving forward with my life.  Just melt into it and flow!

 

I should have known better

I should have known better….Anytime any piece of hardware or software promotion says “The easy new way to___________” Do not believe it!

In a world where technology moves so much faster than me I am chronically mired down in a technology learning curve and I am well down on the left hand side of that curve.

Last month my trusty and well-worn Windows 7 laptop took a hard drive dive. Replacing it meant I was forced into the Windows 8 world well before I was ready, and for that fact, well before Windows 8 was ready, also. Hours and hours of frustrating, “it don’t work like that anymore” issues!  

Just about the time I had a quasi-handle on my new computer operating system, UMASS has decided to upgrade their online learning system. AUGGGGGHHHHH! Enough already! I am a firm believer the “if it ain’t broken DO NOT fix it” mentality. Unfortunately that type of thinking does not sell more software or hardware.

Then yesterday…in an attempt to access the latest simple credit card acceptance technology, which in theory is so very cool, was met with another overdose of overwhelming amount of technical learning curve before I could even participate. I was immersed in Square up software technology that allows merchants to accept credit cards from any location. A little “hickey” that clicks into the audio jack input on your data enabled cell phone that will swipe a credit card, send an email or text receipt to the client (with a picture of what they purchased), and automatically make the deposit into your bank account. (For us OLD “knuckle buster”credit card people, it does away with the daily chore of batching and sending in the day’s receipts for processing and payment). What was promised as the easiest method to accept payment from anywhere, turned out to be a miserable journey to yet another technical learning situation when I found out the smart phone (that I have finally after 3 years learned how to work) does not have the latest necessary operating system. So there is a new phone updated correct android operating system on its way here. I am certain it will take hours of study before I can answer a phone call, much less text, and I shudder at the thought of what it is going to take to accept credit cards.

I should have known better.

 

a piece of cake!

The heart generates the largest electromagnetic field in the body. . . The electrical field is about 60 times greater in amplitude than the brain waves. The magnetic component of the heart's field, which is around 100 times stronger than that produced by the brain. . . can be measured several feet away from the body.
-Rollin McCraty, Ph.D.

 A heart with all of this incredible energy has got to be much more capable of healing than doctors are willing to give me, or anyone else credit for. It is amazing to me that the medical industry will not even attempt to admit to the possibility of a heart physically healing. Even though they will easily acknowledge the development of “collateral” arteries. (arteries that develop and/or grow larger to go around damage to supply the heart with blood).

If we all can agree that the heart is an amazing muscle, then why does it make sense to medicate and slow down. This is not how to facilitate a muscle healing, it only insures atrophy and certain failure.

They have no idea what MY body can do. This body made two human beings, fixing and healing a broken and damaged heart should be a piece of cake! And we all know how much I love cake!

Check off the bucket list...and yes….I will be wearing clothes!

I am so excited! Just had one of my pieces accepted (one of two) that I submitted for Nude Nite. So, if we were in baseball season, I would be batting 500. For what it is worth, we could only submit a maximum of 2 pieces. I would love to have had both works in that show, better chance of selling more, but I will take a ride on the one.

Years and years ago when Nude Nite had just begun, I did it a couple of times, but have sat out for many years. Most of the time I was out on the road doing the outdoor shows and at the time was the mother of 2 "OMG mother you wouldn't do that" teenage boys. They are all grown up now and perhaps even appreciate having a weird Mom.

This feels exciting and almost like starting over again. Back to the very beginning, trying to figure it all out.  Is it going to be different this time or will I end up back in the same place.

But in the meantime….I think I will take a walk on the wild side,  not try to figure everything out.... just play, dance, watch...and enjoy Nude Nite.

(and yes….I will be wearing clothes)

                                                                                Yay...that's our Marla E from last summer's class!

Woo-hoo me! 2 Miles!

2 miles…2 miles…2 miles…back up to 2 miles…not all at one time like I used to be…but I made it! 3 months ago they told me to slow down, and I gave up going to gym completely because I just could not keep up without 2 or 3 nitros, but the treadmill at home I can go until I need to stop get off…rest...and go again. 2 miles today! Good for my heart, but delightfully good for my head! Woo-hoo me!

Either Give Me a Crown or...

Danielle LaPorte in one sentence described me,better that I could have done myself, “a whore for synchronicity”. I crave the connection, the information, something or anything that confirms I am moving in the right direction. 

“Either give me a crown or, just make me a soldier of the day to day because being an artist is making me bleed.”

The Universe is screaming at me, and I do not understand.

Yesterday evening…
Max (the cat) died, for no identifiable reason. A big, 8 year old, strong, 20 pound “take no prisoners” got more attitude than most people I know, cat. Unexpected and unprepared, a spear through the heart would not have hurt as much. Max was not a “kitty” or a “pussy” cat. Max was a CAT, initially a rescued feral, with a slew of medical problems of his own, he reminded me daily, how tough he was. He reminded me daily how tough I need to be. I cannot believe how much I miss him. Where will I find his strength? 

This morning…
I have 2 clocks in my bedroom, one 50 year old clock was my grandmothers, it does not work, but hangs on my wall as a decorative reminder of my grandmother, the other an old fashioned wind up alarm clock. It is the “back up” insurance for the cell phone alarm, only used when it is really important that I wake up on time, and has not been wound in well over a year. 

As I dressed this morning I heard a ticking, certain the ceiling fan had developed some kind of problem; I went to the wall to turn it off. The ticking continued and I realized it was my grandmother’s clock. As I closely examined the clock, to come up with some plausible explanation to why after all this time it would suddenly begin working again, the wind up clock on my bedside dresser alarm went off.

Life….Loss…Time….?  Please, What are you trying to tell me? What am I not seeing?

…and the answer is very clear

If you are not sure or in my case, scared to death, the answer will come if you "put it out into the universe". I have preached this for years. As I look back on the past few months the answer to the question I have been too afraid to ask, has been appearing.  I was unable to see it or put the pieces together. I did not officially put it out in the Universe, I was sure that my sick heart had insured that there was no question. 

Although I was unaware of the question, the answer began coming anyway, not like a lightning bolt, not in one sitting or a single event.  There have been several different situations that like a jig saw puzzle, required assembly on my part.

It has been several years since I have been on the outdoor art festival circuit, first it was the economy, then the heart attack. Scared and broke I retreated, I quit doing one of the things I loved the most and I gave up my gypsy spirit.  

Helping a friend prepare for her first show several months ago, I celebrated her courage and excitement but inside of me, after she left, I was in tears. My heart ached and I wanted it to be me preparing for an outdoor art show.

I was chosen as an outdoor art festival poster artist for the Leesburg Art Festival (even though I did not apply for the honor) and it obligates me to participate in their actual outdoor art festival, still scared to death I did not recognize this as the universe screaming at me to get back out on the streets. Fear blocked my ability to appreciate all of the facets of this marvelous gift  and I still did not get it.

This morning Skip mentioned the Spring Maitland Art Festival application came in the mail, which will be a few weeks after the Leesburg show. His comment was the show is close, it will be fun.  There is live jazz and wine on Friday night, (I love jazz and wine), it is close, you can sleep in your own bed, (I had come to really detest hotels).   I immediately answered "no", not ready, I am afraid, and besides I already threw the application away.

....I went in the kitchen, fished the application out of the garbage and faced my fears.  

Do I want to spend the rest of my life wishing I had done the things I love? Do I want to continue the fear of my physical heart? And finally all of the pieces of the “answer” puzzle that the universe has been laying out in front of me began to fit together.

Is it a good thing for me, for my heart?  That is no longer the question. Is it the right thing for my soul, my life and the reason I am on this earth is the question…and the answer is very clear.

Let it go...

I suspect a good healthy dose of fear is the best way to wake me up to my life. 

After spending so much of my life trying to avoid it, pretending it is not there I am beginning to finally recognize that instead of hurting and making me feel afraid, fear can in fact be one of my greatest teachers. But make no mistake about it, fear is not a gentle teacher.  

Fear targets my most vulnerable place. My first knee jerk reaction is to protect myself by striking back, ignoring, feeling sorry for myself or taking on any emotional position that protects me.

I need to remember every day, every day to allow the fear to penetrate my soul, examine it, expose the lesson it has come to teach me and then…

Let it go.

The Split Personality Issue

The spiritual “airy-fairy” part of me wants to simply rejoice in gratitude and be thrilled with the events of each day as it unfolds, with no concern for the past or the future.
 But the deep-seated dark corporate part of me wants desperately to have a clear cut path and a solid long-term goal with measurable progress reports.

My challenge this year will have to be how to take the best of these parts of me and meld them together into one enjoyable, fulfilling, simple, creative, love filled functioning life.

But for now I am still wrestling with the split personality issue!

A Picture is a Secret About a Secret

"Double Crossed"

"A picture is a secret about a secret,
the more it tells you the less you know."
                                                                   Diane Arbus
 And I thought I was the only one… Quite some time ago, around the time that I read the Da Vinci Code, my curiosity was peaked. Could an artist actually “hide” information or symbols in their art that could and would speak to specific viewers to “see” more or “read” alternative meanings in the art?  The Da Vinci Code’s main character, symbologist Robert Langdon, interpreted “ \/” as a the female, a chalice and “/\” as the male, the blade in the famous Da Vinci fresco of the “Last Supper”. I was mesmerized by this concept, and immediately began playing with those simple symbols. “Double Crossed” was the incredible result of that first experiment. Since then, I have tried this concept several more times, each time I am more and more surprised at the amount of secrets that a single picture can hold.
                                                                                           My art holds all of my secrets!

Fear of failure no longer serves me....

Welcome 2013! …as I reluctantly let go of 2012…
Last year was a wonderful, happy, fulfilling year, I selfishly want more of that!

My resolution is simply more courage…less fear.
I gained more confidence, more acceptances and more energy than I thought would ever be possible again. My biggest fear, as always will be that I lose it. I am learning to focus on the courage it will take to go full steam ahead, 100% into my future, whatever that future turns out to be. I am learning to ignore pain & fear; they have no more to teach me.  

I may fail, oh hell, I am certain that I will fail ….at creating…at relationships…at money…at taking care of myself, but fear of failure no longer serves me and I let go of it today. Jan 1, 2013

Enchilada Eve 2012

Pollock Painting...

There are so few opportunities for artists to create for the sheer enjoyment of celebrating the creative process.

A video lesson from MOMA (Museum of Modern Art, NY) and discussion on Jackson Pollok, abstract expressionism, and his specific techniques was the inspiration of what can only be described as a day of sheer magic and more creative fun than we could have ever imagined! 

How lucky I am to have such fantastic opportunities and phenomenal creative friends!

and we ho-ho-hoooooo-ed!

 

                                             

38 years...



Nothing changes...Everything changes…

Through 38 years of loving, fighting, births and deaths, we are still here, still together.

And the greatest thing we have learned is being together requires a great deal of being independent, respect for each other’s dreams and the space needed to grow as self-sufficient beings. 

Celebrating the years, living in the experiences, and loving the life we have made. 

Thank you my love, thank you for the years and my awesome life.
...and Thank you Darren, our son and one or our greatest gifts to the world (and ourselves) for celebrating with us and taking us out to dinner.

Celebrating Synchronicity 12-12-12

and bucket list # 36-DD attempt!!

 

Celebrating the synchronicity of 12-12-12,

I have screwed up my courage and sent in my application for the 2013 Orlando Nude Nite

cross you fingers!

12-12-12 entry for  a show on 02- 14/15/16- 2013 

Just way too many consecutive numbers not to!
The Universe is SCREAMING at me to do it!

Hats & Sunglasses

A lifelong friend is a blessing, indeed. I do not think there are many who can claim a friend for over 50 years, but I can! The best part of having a dear friend, a bosom buddy, partner in crime, a kick-ass companion is that there are years and years of serious “fun” experience. One phone call, one drop of the hat and it is on! And it was so ON this past Sunday, it was so ON. New purple hats, a few too many “Stellas”, a funky blues band and you have the makings of serious black mail material.

That kind of explains the hats and sunglasses.......

Morning Coffee and the Gecko!

Just about everyone that has come to visit me, has heard the Tokay Gecko "crowing" but he keeps himself mostly hidden....But this morning when I pulled out my coffee pot to pour in the water he was coming along for the ride! YIKES!!! (video has old crowing mixed with this morning's pics!)
He has lived at our house for 13 years now, in the walls and around the backyard, but every now and again he comes inside for a visit!

This one is baby blue with hot pink to orange spots depending on what time of year. He/she is a Tokay Gecko. According to "experts" they eat cock roaches and small rodents, which may explain why he has been at my house for so long and they have a "nasty" personality (again may explain why he/she has been at my house for so long.) Any way we have a healthy respect for each other, and pretty much do not mess with one another, however this mornings coffee pot ride scared the hoooooooey out of me and may be CROSSING THE "healthy respect for each other" LINE!

The Cinderella Scenario & Bucket List Item #32-B

As a little girl, I was consumed with the Cinderella story. With my very own real life wicked step-mother and step-sisters, I almost had the perfect Cinderella scenario. The only problem was I had the story back ass-wards with my step sisters being absolutely gorgeous, well-proportioned dark haired beauties and I, the Cinderella was the ugly, chubby, curly red headed, clumsy and slow one. I really wanted to be the beautiful Cinderella, with my own fairy godmother, glass slippers and Prince Charming but then doesn’t every little girl?

Life is not the fairy tale I dreamed of. I never got my glass slippers and then I found out there is no such thing as a fairy godmother. But, I have learned that if I want something bad enough, I can get it by doing it for myself.

To that end, I have included my version of glass slippers on my bucket list.  There are, however some serious design modifications.  Realizing that glass high-heeled shoes would be horrifically uncomfortable, I have opted for canvas flats. Here they are, not glamourous, glass, or high heeled, but flat, doodled, and glittered (sure wish the camera flash did not wipe out the glitter sparkles)!
And....I cannot wait to dance in them!

Check off Bucket List item #32-B and bring on my Prince Charming!