life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"


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Monday, May 13, 2013

What next?

I launched back into my life last year, thinking that was all I needed to do. It was a huge emotional step.   I rescued what I had lost by digging into the past, resuming life where I left off and evoking the courage I once had to continue on the path that seemed so right for me.  

I felt returning to my work, my art and the outdoor art show circuit was all I needed to do to reclaim my life. However, while I was physically and emotionally healing, life changed or maybe it was just me.  I did learn that I can do much more physically than I thought was possible, but found out that it often comes at a high price. I am learning that I cannot simply go backwards to the life I knew and had control of.  

There has been a shift in my world.  I felt like I knew and understood that my life would be different but I did not expect that my confidence, future and purpose would lose focus and become so muddy. I wanted to effortlessly slide backward into my comfortable life, but I see now that is not going to happen. I am going to have to work hard to move forward, create a new life and it scares me.

I am frightened, lost, and I hurt. I understand that this discomfort and uncertainty is not a punishment, but a necessary part of growth and transformation.  As much as I understand this concept intellectually it does not mitigate the emotional pain I feel. 

I do not know what is next, all I can do now is release my past and faded expectations.

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