life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....

I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this raunchy disease. My words always help me understand that in this life there will be times that are crappy painful and unexpected but tucked in there are the amazingly wonderful, too. That is when I realized the only control I have over any of this is how I chose to experience them! I realized that I could understand, celebrate can survive even better when I could express these feelings with my own words of courage, humor, and grace. I am the Queen of my own life and the choice is mine!

I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to grieve my losses, to laugh long and hard, and to learn how to live a full magnificent life with heart failure.

I am honoring my creativity, and exploring all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say....."Don't talk like that!"



Friday, May 24, 2013

'Scuse me while I kiss the sky

Purple haze all in my brain
Lately things just don't seem the same
                                               ~ Jimi Hendricks

I have been stewing in a purple haze, not Jimi’s kind (rats) but the one that I know is familiar to other artists. I find myself asking over and over again, “is this “funk” part of the ongoing price of admission in an artist’s life, is it worth it and can I emotionally afford it?” (And…by the way, knowing that these artist funks are typical, or having been through it before does not make them any easier!!!)  

My creative identity has been cemented to a specific style of work for such a long time that it feels like any redirection will mean giving up what little recognition (and income) I have worked so hard to achieve.  

Life changes combined with the mounting frustration at my inability to make my very recognizable and financially productive body of work fresh, exciting or enlivening has pushed me into a nasty toxic emotional corner. A brooding corner where all of the work is boring, dark and stagnant. I feel trapped and snarled in the fear of letting go of my old familiar art style.

I knew that when I began moving back out into the art world, the smart thing to do would be come back with my recognizable work. I had no idea that taking this creative step backwards would come at such a high emotional price. It felt wrong right away, but I was fraudulently lured back into that art and life style I knew and was comfortable with when it was met with some commercial success. As the “funk” set in I immediately took some creative baby steps forward to an entirely different art medium and style, but rapidly retreated to the old established familiar work.  

  I get irritated with my own fear and    incompetence.  I am so afraid of starting all over again that I just close down. I have shut out friends, family, creatives and anyone that I am afraid might think that is a frivolous selfish waste of time. But, worst of all I have shut down my own creativity. I know it is time to reach up in there and pull it back out regardless of what form the creativity takes.

 I know I have to do it, so please,

“Scuse’ me while I kiss the sky”!

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