life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Universe is screaming at me, and I do not understand.

Yesterday evening…
Max (the cat) died, for no identifiable reason. A big, 8 year old, strong, 20 pound “take no prisoners” got more attitude than most people I know, cat. Unexpected and unprepared, a spear through the heart would not have hurt as much. Max was not a “kitty” or a “pussy” cat. Max was a CAT, initially a rescued feral, with a slew of medical problems of his own, he reminded me daily, how tough he was. He reminded me daily how tough I need to be. I cannot believe how much I miss him. Where will I find his strength? 

This morning…
I have 2 clocks in my bedroom, one 50 year old clock was my grandmothers, it does not work, but hangs on my wall as a decorative reminder of my grandmother, the other an old fashioned wind up alarm clock. It is the “back up” insurance for the cell phone alarm, only used when it is really important that I wake up on time, and has not been wound in well over a year. 

As I dressed this morning I heard a ticking, certain the ceiling fan had developed some kind of problem; I went to the wall to turn it off. The ticking continued and I realized it was my grandmother’s clock. As I closely examined the clock, to come up with some plausible explanation to why after all this time it would suddenly begin working again, the wind up clock on my bedside dresser alarm went off.

Life….Loss…Time….?  Please, What are you trying to tell me? What am I not seeing?

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