life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Sunday, January 13, 2013

…and the answer is very clear

If you are not sure or in my case, scared to death, the answer will come if you "put it out into the universe". I have preached this for years. As I look back on the past few months the answer to the question I have been too afraid to ask, has been appearing.  I was unable to see it or put the pieces together. I did not officially put it out in the Universe, I was sure that my sick heart had insured that there was no question. 

Although I was unaware of the question, the answer began coming anyway, not like a lightning bolt, not in one sitting or a single event.  There have been several different situations that like a jig saw puzzle, required assembly on my part.

It has been several years since I have been on the outdoor art festival circuit, first it was the economy, then the heart attack. Scared and broke I retreated, I quit doing one of the things I loved the most and I gave up my gypsy spirit.  

Helping a friend prepare for her first show several months ago, I celebrated her courage and excitement but inside of me, after she left, I was in tears. My heart ached and I wanted it to be me preparing for an outdoor art show.

I was chosen as an outdoor art festival poster artist for the Leesburg Art Festival (even though I did not apply for the honor) and it obligates me to participate in their actual outdoor art festival, still scared to death I did not recognize this as the universe screaming at me to get back out on the streets. Fear blocked my ability to appreciate all of the facets of this marvelous gift  and I still did not get it.

This morning Skip mentioned the Spring Maitland Art Festival application came in the mail, which will be a few weeks after the Leesburg show. His comment was the show is close, it will be fun.  There is live jazz and wine on Friday night, (I love jazz and wine), it is close, you can sleep in your own bed, (I had come to really detest hotels).   I immediately answered "no", not ready, I am afraid, and besides I already threw the application away.

....I went in the kitchen, fished the application out of the garbage and faced my fears.  

Do I want to spend the rest of my life wishing I had done the things I love? Do I want to continue the fear of my physical heart? And finally all of the pieces of the “answer” puzzle that the universe has been laying out in front of me began to fit together.

Is it a good thing for me, for my heart?  That is no longer the question. Is it the right thing for my soul, my life and the reason I am on this earth is the question…and the answer is very clear.

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