Wonderful places...

This used to be a difficult concept for me, but for the first time I am really getting it!  There is truly no reason to try to manage the future, and to be quite frank, all of my past attempts have been miserable failures! Why did I keep trying to do it? It feels so good to stop thinking, it feels so good to just go where my heart takes me….and oh my…… I am going wonderful places!


"This Time"  Jonathan Rhys Meyers

...and that scares a lot of people....

Yep…we know what the expectations are!

Sometimes being called overly sensitive, or thinking too much may have nothing to do with any of this.  I suspect highly sensitive people feel the same feelings that everyone has but most are just afraid to have. And then on top of having the feelings, we work to understand them and then we often have the need to tell you about them.  And that scares a lot of people!

"Who Says"  John Mayer

The thing about annual events....

Hanging up another lanyard and thinking about how honored and how much “holy crap” fun it has been to be a part of Nude Nite  this year and for the past 5 years. It was one of my early on “Bucket List” wishes. The thing about “annual” events (birthdays, holidays, etc…) is that when they are over, I begin asking myself….is this my last one. This year’s events seem to be a bit more emotionally charged…

"Save Me"  Goyte

Take a Walk on the Wild Side!

and.....give it a moment or two to load...YIKES!

This "NORMAL" you speak of

And every attempt I have ever made to be that way has ended in me feeling really awful about myself.  So I just need to quit doing it.  Every now and again, when I have the opportunity to step out of expectations and just revel in the moment it is amazing.  When I truly embrace the NOW, forgetting what happened yesterday, not worrying about what will happen tomorrow, just being in the joy of the art and creating I feel terrific, unstoppable, free and not sick.  When you get entrenched in the medical world of measuring, where there is a clear and defined normal, being in a place and around people that defy normal…..That is when I feel so good! 

That is the MAGIC and it is anything BUT normal!

"Can't Stop the Feeling"  Justin Timerlake

She is not Afraid!

I LOVE Nude nites!

The art is always amazing, and it is again this year….and maybe even more this time.  It is absolutely incredible to see one subject interpreted in so many different, talented, awe inspiring ways!  So fun and so honored to be a part of it again this year!

And yes….that is oxygen on my face.  The first time I have worn it in public.  Had a great sweater wrap so the portable tank could not be seen,,,but the crap on my face, is kind of just there. I was there for an hour and half, drank wine, admired ALL of the work and of course talked, giggled and gossiped all the way ….never coughed once or ran out of air.  Its ugly…it feels funny, I don’t like it…but I think it works. .  As much as I hate….hate….hated it…It really made me feel great, like the old me.  

"She is Not Afraid"  One Direction

But...when I turn on the TV...

I know I promised I would be better, but when I turn on the TV and find out....

#1  If you are mentally impaired so severely that you are receiving social security and deemed unable to manage your own finances…GOOD NEWS…you can now legally purchase guns. Did Sandy Hook or Pulse mean anything?  

#2  "Leaking” the truth is illegal and will be prosecuted, but the National Security Adviser lying to White House is SAD, caused by FAKE media.

I just cannot be silent.  I do not want anyone anywhere to ever think that my being silent, well behaved, lady like, polite means I am OK with this.

What the hell is wrong with this GOVERNMENT?  #45 is a self-serving narcissist!

AND IF THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH...THEN...THERE WAS A  PRESS CONFERENCE

Running out of socks to throw at him on the TV may have to go dig out the dirty ones... damn.... I should have thrown those first!

"Liar Liar"  The Castaways

If you ask me…(and I assure you, no one has)

...this passion is the secret to life!

Looking back I can say with all certainty, if I did not love what I did I cannot imagine how my life would have looked.  For most of my life….I have worked like a crazy person, always more than 40 hours a week, rarely getting paid enough (if at all) no paid holidays, no weekends off,  no health insurance or 401K benefits.  And still I did it, reveled in it and would not have considered trading one minute, to work for something/anything I was not passionate about.  I am not grieving about the lack of commercial, financial success I have not had, I am celebrating and grateful for the people and the circumstances that have allowed me to follow a life that has and continues to be full of passion! And even now, with all that is going on, I can still do what I love doing!  Thank you I am so very grateful!

"You have Lived"  Don McLean

Really going to happen!

Docs have given me the "OK to GO", getting me a portable O2 concentrator! Flight itinerary set, tickets purchased, hotel reservations made….this is really going to happen! A full week of drinking in and celebrating art created by some of the world’s masters.  Tickled to be staying in the upper West Side 2 blocks from Central Park close to some of the greatest museums….out of the hub-bub and in the neighborhoods! Picasso…here I come!

"59th St. Bridge, Feeling Groovy"  Simon & Garfunkle

"Say What You Need to Say"

The “girls” are on their own, now!  They are officially delivered, and are among some of the most spectacular works!  I am always overwhelmed to have the opportunity to be in the company of so many incredibly talented artists. 

I love that after I had chosen to do a piece honoring all of the women that marched in Washington and around the country that they titled the show “Revolution”  I really like how it fits together.

"Say What You Need to Say"  John Mayer

Delivery day.....

Delivery days are heinous!  I suspect  most of the world thinks that artist’s delivering their work for an exhibition should be a wonderful exciting thing….and yes there is an element of exciting but….holy crap…most of all it is just plain scary as hell!  When it comes to delivery days….every single bit of  “I got my shit together” attitude goes right down the toilet…..in a single flush.

The best way to describe it, is like being a 13 year old girl again on the first day of a new school. The only difference is, it is about the art I created rather than the dress I chose to wear!  As a 13 year old I am hoping that dress will help me feel like I fit in and am good enough. It feels like the room is “judging” me by the image I am delivering.  All of the sudden that image that felt really good in the studio is now triggering a zillion  “who do you think you are” nerve endings!  And opening night…it will only get worse!

"Fear"  Jazmine Sullivan

Is it live...

or is it memorex….…..or is it just fear. 

It is hard to know sometimes what this body is or is not going to do. It does not seem to be my body anymore. It operates totally independent of my wants, needs and wishes…. and that is the one of most difficult parts of this!  It is the question I ask myself each time I want to do something and I am not so sure (or am afraid) that I will not be able to.  So rather than risk failure or worse “pay” for it with absolute inability to do anything for the next day or so. I find myself “conserving energy” or at least that seems to be the acceptable medical explanation for giving up, making tradeoffs and deciding what are the things that I really want to accomplish.  Is it giving up…giving in...or is it just fear?

"You Can't Rush....."  Trevor Hall

authenticity....

I need to remember this and read it to myself....every day!

"Who Cares"  John Mayer

OK....

When I finally decided to let go, I find that I am at more peace than I thought would be possible, and life seems to be moving at such a fast pace.  It could be that it is just a short period that things happen quickly like they do in all of our lives, but I thought it was worth paying attention to, especially since I am fairly used to things going “not so great” and I am in constant “stamp out the fires” mode.  I have had so many amazing and spectacular things happen in the last couple of months, that it is really hard to get used to.  I know that most people think that this is the part of our lives that we should be the LEAST ok, On some level I think that is what I expected, too.  But that is not how it seems to be happening, at least for now.  So it is definitely worth paying attention to.  Just being OK is really a wonderful thing!

"Details in the Fabric"  Jason Mraz

Just in case....

You had not already noticed....         

"More o' That"  Eric Bibb

Burning bridges....

I have to confess, that I have felt guilty for “unfriending” and burning bridges" with many politically militant FB friends.  The rhetoric kept getting more frequent, more combative, less factual and just plain hateful. At a certain point I would AX them and then feel guilty that perhaps I was editing my friends to only include those that agree with me.  And now,  I have decided it is ok, even more than ok!  There is a huge difference between an open honest discussion, sharing ideas and a blatant, often unfounded, confrontational or untruthful name calling that does nothing more than facilitate rude negativity. I prefer to form my own opinions, based on positivity, fruitful discussions and facts.  So yes….I have burned a few bridges, and will continue to do so.

"They Know"  Eric Bibb

Hard decisions....

Hard decisions that I never ever wanted to make have reared their ugly heads and I have had to face them. The Artist’s Way has been such a part of me and who I am for so long, letting go of any part of it feels like what I imagine losing a dear friend might be.  Instead of being delightfully grateful for the time and energy to facilitate the Leesburg Artist’s Way for the past 4 years, I find myself spending more time mourning the loss. But you all have to know that my time in Leesburg was more than just the Artist's Way, it was and will always be a magical healing time for me, that I desperately needed, and for that I am incredibly grateful!

With even more gratitude, I will facilitate the Artist’s Way in Casselberry for another summer, and for that I am wholly and wonderfully grateful for the opportunity and the energy!

"Hold on My Heart"  Phil Collins

Just one more thing….

Then I promise (well... kind of) 
no more politics

This came across my Face Book page from a fellow artist FB friend, Barbara Verchot and I felt like it was worth repeating.

This is her advice…..and I am going to take it!

1. Don't use his name. (I refer to him as #45.)

2. Remember this is a regime and he's not acting alone.

3. Do not argue with those who support him--it doesn't work.

4. Focus on his policies, not his orange-ness and mental state.

5. Keep your message positive; they want the country to be angry and fearful because this is the soil from which their darkest policies will grow.

6. No more helpless/hopeless talk.

7. Support artists and the arts - especially the ones speaking for all of us.

8. Be careful not to spread fake news. Check it before you share it.

9. Take care of yourselves.

10. Resist!

 
"Peace be Upon us" Sheryl Crow

Worth it.....

This weekend was yet another glaring example of the now president’s complete and incredible lack of experience, diplomacy, taste, and respect for the law of this country and it’s people.  It is clear this man has NEVER been a public servant. The only person he has ever served is himself and I have seen nothing in his behavior that suggests any indication of this changing….

But we have to do more than complain on FB or, my personal favorite, throw rolled up socks at the TV when he is on it.  We need to make phone calls, write post cards or letters….sign petitions (although it is generally known they are the least persuasive of political things to do).  Join a peaceful resistance movement, demonstrate, or support those that are demonstrating.  Do anything and everything you can lawfully do to express your beliefs.

My best advice is to know and understand how, what and why you feel the way you do.  Be sure they are your feelings, not the feelings of your friends, family, TV networks or reporter/journalist.  Know and believe wholeheartedly in your convictions because it is almost guaranteed those beliefs will draw actual anger from some and risk the loss of passionate acquaintances friends and family.

shine your heart, your life like a light...it is worth it……

and for me, my heart, my beliefs, my feelings and my voice…. they are worth it!

"Let it Be Me"  Indigo Girls

Perfect Sense....

Wish I could explain why art makes my life so much better, it just does!  I got official clearance (with a little additional equipment) from the hospice Doc to go to New York and soak in all the art my heart can handle.  And so we are!  Part of me is scared to death, I have been so “tied” down to this area because they had access to my medical records,  they accepted my insurance, had the facilities to attend to an S-ICD and quite frankly and honestly I was just afraid.  The original attack happened out of town and it was horrible, not for me, well I take that back it was pretty raunchy for me, but for friends and family that wanted to be there with me.  But letting go has brought me such a sense of freedom!  So yes, my pragmatic logical mind is scared to death, there is a little voice screaming in the back of my head “what are you thinking?”, “you might NEED that money later on!”, “do you really think this is a smart thing for you to be doing?”  And then my heart answers, how can you not go, and be surrounded with amazing art in spectacular museums and galleries and  if not now…..when?  I do not much care for the typical touristy things.  I am taking my heart to revel in the art and all of the sudden that goofy saying marketing slogan…I HEART NY makes perfect sense.

"Doing the Things that We Want To"  Lou Reed

NOT my president.....

All politics aside, there is still much to be said about, manners, diplomacy, common decency and just plain basic respect for one another.  Clearly, by his own actions, these are qualities our current president does not possess.  I suspect when history looks back on this time, they will shake their heads in disgust.  He should be a shining example of what our country and people stand

for, not a chronic embarrassment.

He is not my president, and I will continue to "Shake the Tree"!

"Shaking the Tree"  Peter Gabriel

more naps mean more dreams!

I am particularly fond of Winnie the Pooh and the Beatles!  So this might work...for the next few days or maybe a few more I suspect there will be more naps, not because I am particularly fond of naps, although naps were a lot more attractive when I was working full time, but because there is a medicine change.  Medicine changes always seem to come with “naps” attached until my body can adjust.  I will be starting a lot of things in the coming days with a “small-ish nap” or two
but….more naps mean more wonderful dreams!

"Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight"  The Beatles

Evoke a genuine smile.....

Life has been about a vicious cycle in the last few years.  You can see how it somewhat follows the Elizabeth Kubler-Ross model of death and dying, but I am certain when this was written it was not about chronic terminal disease.  The frustrating part is that you do work through the “steps” of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.  But then you find that acceptance sucks and denial feels so much better.  I am going to be better to my precious life and chase some dreams, I may not be able to break this cycle but just recognizing that it exists and where I am in it I am hoping will make a good change in my own day to day expectations! I want an exciting, unique and precious life and I need chase some more amazing dreams!

"Run Around"  Blues Traveler

I can say just about anything I want to here….(but I did not check the “adult content” box when I signed up, so there are SOME restrictions!)

SO…. here is the most important thing I have learned from the recent elections…..

Although I rarely state my specific political views…I have NEVER argued, berated or rebuked others personally for their comments and/or opinions on line.  Responses I have received have been for the most part encouraging.  Most of my FB friends seem to appreciate unprovocative relevant quotes, but there have been others that have been rude, ugly, and personal.  I have even been chastised for not clicking the “like” button on their post. I am tired of being expected to listen to others opinions, but most are unwilling to listen to mine.

Instead of simply responding to others, I am influencing peace and understanding. I am writing, emailing and calling the people that have the ability to make decisions and change. I am always open to intelligent and yes even passionate discussions, but not the rude and ugly ones. 

My lesson.....I do not discuss politics with those that are incapable of hearing both sides of a issue, before forming a decision or an opinion.

"Everybody's Talking" Nilson

Isn't She Lovely?

It was busy busy and at times overwhelming for me, I can only imagine how it must have been for Harper! 

Seems like yesterday she had just arrived, so fragile and tiny!  It hardly feels like it could be a year.  In addition to arriving at her one birthday, she was also baptized in a Catholic church.  So very different than how I feel and what I believe, but anything that is filled with that much love….has to be a good thing!

Love always comes with a big healthy dose of respect and honor for others thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  And this amazing little miracle girl reminder that perfect love is real!

"Isn't She Lovely"  Stevie Wonder

even when it hurts....

I was taught ages ago (I will NOT be defining the term ages) but as a young person, I grew up in a world that the mere color of your skin determined where you could and could not go.  I did not question, it was the world I grew up in.  As a teenager I moved from a small rural southern town to Miami.  It was a different world, and I was in shock.  Desegregation MEANT desegregation! My new school was a 50/50 mix.  I met and learned I was not different or better. It was not just skin color but ethnicity, too! The Cuban crisis was still “fresh” and I was introduced to a new culture and language too! All of it was different, scary, and wonderful at the same time. 

So when you call me a bleeding heart leftist liberal, I can only respond that it has nothing to do with politics, it is life experience.  And I want my life and my legacy to be about amazing life experiences and love…..(never fear and hate)   Love…even when it hurts. 

"For What it is Worth"  Buffalo Springfield

My Voice Matters

I think restoring my balance may need using my voice, well actually my words, to influence (I hope) the real world.  I am committing to writing those that should be representing me.  I know they will not always vote the way I would like them to, but I would like to think my voice matters.


"Don't You Forget About Me"  Lucy O'Byrne

Out of Balance....

Ok..Ok… I confess….I have not been to the gym since 2015….and the cupcakes/no pants, last week!  There is a distinct possibility that my life is more out of balance than I originally thought.

I have said it several times, in several different ways that I truly do feel out of balance since the election and even more so since the inauguration.  I see some never take a stand, perhaps out of political and/or social politeness.    Maybe they do not know, or maybe they do not care, or GOD forbid, maybe they agree with what is happening to us.  And here is the scary thing…..maybe they think the same thing about me. I know I have sat silent, biting my tongue, reigning in my immediate responses or not responding at all to outrageous political misinformation that is flung at me on a daily basis, for no other reason than to NOT have a disagreement or suffer their wrath.  I am trying so hard to keep the peace with acquaintances, friends and family.  Desperately hanging on to a positive attitude and good relationships with others by a thread, I feel like I have sacrificed my own peace and balance. 

"Keep Breathing"  Ingrid Michaelson

And getting deeper by the day!

I have arrived at a point in my life that I could kind of sit back and enjoy life, perhaps have a chance to retard maybe even reverse the growth of the WTF wrinkles with the latest and greatest anti-wrinkle products.

Then we have an election…. and there are not enough words to express my unending day by day WTF shock  at the lies, the cabinet choices, the gag orders, the reversal of EPA concerns, women’s abortion rights and it goes on and on.  I can literally feel the wrinkles between my eyebrows getting deeper every day!

"Get Back" The Beatles

Smile right back at me!

I will admit I have a healthy mess of raucous demons….they will not be easily tamed.  But I have managed a couple of the bigger more enthusiastic ones and will confess that my heart and soul are so much more calm, making room for more constructive things to happen to me.  I am not sure I am ready for my heart to “settle flat” but I would love for life to smile right back at me!

"Something New"  Tom Fletcher

Thank You

To all of those, known and unknown to me, that went into locations and situations that were new and scary and different to stand up for what they felt was important and right, you have my utmost appreciation and admiration….Thank you for marching for your ideals, and the ideals of so many more that could not be there……and me!

"Thank You"  Natalie Merchant

What?..... They don't?..... How the HELL did that happen?

When I was young my parents used the term half-truths to describe how I wheedled my way out of punishable offenses.  I suspect it may be in the DNA because both of my own sons were also experts at half-truths.  I would have bet my left elbow that one, if not both would grow up to be litigating attorneys. And for the record…half-truths, then (by my parents & I)  and now (as I watch my own sons parent), carry the same punishable results as lies.

  

Thank goodness, the term “alternate facts” had not yet made an appearance!  In the past, most of us listened to the different opinions, beliefs and views of others and had enlightening although often times contentious discussions.  When it was done and over we still respected one another.  We shared/argued points of views without condemning each other personally or feeling like it was our duty to change their minds and have them agree with us. 

  

The unfortunate typical childish technique now being used by so many adults, including our top political officials of  evading uncomfortable questions with irrelevant accusations and presenting “alternate facts” (AKA half-truths) is baffling.  However, the new twist of condemning the inquirer (and those associated) as unfairly attacking, aggressive, dishonest, and morally corrupt…. makes me crazy and…..I need no help with that and thank goodness my sons are grown!

"Be Honest"  Jason Mraz

Pussy Hat FAIL

My intentions were to crochet myself a pussy hat in solidarity for today's Woman's March in DC and the world, unfortunately there was a minor glitch in the plan....I do not know how to crochet, and as it turns out...I am a slow crochet learner!

All of you amazing marchers (and crochet-ers) have my greatest admiration and appreciation!


"I'm a Woman"  Koko Taylor
(that cannot crochet)

"It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official."

 Theodore Roosevelt's words  “Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official, save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country. In either event, it is unpatriotic not to tell the truth, whether about the president or anyone else.”

"They Know"  Eric Bibb

....the right thing.

In all of my life…I have never experienced an election or the politics of this past year. 

My heart aches to watch our country honor and bow to the unacceptable behaviors we would not accept from our own children, friends or loved ones.  It is my sincerest hope that good people with high ideals of peace, love and common good for all people will continue to lawfully press to the fullest extent our senators and representatives to do the right thing. 

"What's Going On"  Marvin Gaye

"ALT" TV

I am not sure I have ever been so grateful for “ALT” TV! 

I have tried over and over and over again to give this almost president… my honor and respect and each time he proves he does not deserve it….My sons would have been punished for making up stories for no other reason than degrade and undermine others…calling people debasing names…humiliating women….lying about money business dealings…making undeliverable promises…taking credit for other people’s work….cheating people….  I never supported that kind of behavior then, and I cannot celebrate or watch it today.

With sincere apologies and a desire to do the right thing I can forgive anyone and anything…but....

"Same as it Ever Was"  Michael Franti

Middle finger at the ready!

Yeh..yeh…I am working on it…But it is not easy!

There is a fine, wicked and difficult line to cross when we get to this point in life, and there are not many that are even willing to talk about it…and this includes me.  I made a decision to move forward.   I want the same medical industry that has frustrated the hooey out of me, to reply and respect my decision.  But at this point there has been absolutely no response.  I guess I should not be surprised; I just need to stick to my guns, be strong, and keep my middle finger at the ready!

"Waiting for my Real Life to Begin"  Colin Hay

Palliative Care

My dear friends, this is not how I wanted to share this with you, so please accept my apologies right up front. The thought of calling each of you separately and having to explain it  over and over again, was more than I could do...But it was important to me  that you hear this from me with calm resolved love and I did not want you to find out from others and panic unnecessarily.   Six weeks ago, after long soul searching and 6 years of extremely difficult, painful and expensive curative care I chose to begin palliative care through a local hospice organization.

I know the word hospice is scary, believe me...I know, but I need you all to understand that it is different now.  Hospice is the only way, in the state of Florida where terminal patients can receive palliative care, and palliative care is the type of medical care that is going to help me have the best  most productive, happy life I possibly can with all of the medical and emotional support I need.

Before making this decision, I had the most amazing opportunity to spend some time with a nationally known palliative care physician, Dr. Ihrig, He has been a magnificent gift to me and we still communicate via email and phone. It was a strange and unusual set of circumstances that brought him into my life and I truly believe that the Universe had a great deal to do with it.  He has a TED talk that I suspect will explain palliative care and my feelings much better than I ever could,  I have included his video if you want to understand more.  I love you all…. And I need you to know….I am not quitting….I am choosing to live the best life I can!

Ya' think ???

For those that think I have my shit together….all I can say is….I believe they are still accepting nominations for this years “Oscars”, I’ll send you the form, you can write in my name!

Between life changes, Trump inauguration (aughhhh), and general massive frustration, I feel like the tarnish is settling in on my “sparkle”.  Maybe I just need to go out somewhere and scream at the top of my lungs…hit something or someone.  Because I need my fucking sparkle…that’s why!

"Angry Eyes"  Loggins & Messina
I forgot how GREAT this song was, listening to it again...and again...and again

Secret Language

I have heard this all my life, gave it lip service all of my life, but did not really understand what it meant until recently.  I think I have mentioned before that the work has almost become my secret language.  I can say just about anything I want to say, regardless of how rude, opinionated, or inappropriate it may be….I can say it.  The fact that most will not understand it does not seem to make a difference to me….I just need to say it…and it does feel very good to say it.

"Everybody's Talking"  Harry Nilson

Submitted!

Up early, photographed work (that was finished enough to photo, but still needs work),corrected and formatted for submission, then sent them to "Nude Nite"now I cross my fingers and.... w a i t.
The worst part of all of this!

"Say What You Need to Say" 40 x 60

"Curves" 22 x 32

"Art" Tanya Davis

Looked into a fire and smiling!

It has been a week (and then some)….I had all but thrown my hands up and said “I quit” it has been a really really hard couple of months!  Then after saying “no” I am too sick to do Nude Nite this year….I asked myself why…..why not?  It is doing what I love doing. Creating and painting may just be how I have learned to love myself.  The last few days have been particularly brutal, failing frequently trying to create something new and different (for me).  I am pooped, I am sore, and my brain is “mush” but I have finished, well finished  and satisfied enough to photograph and send into the jury.  

I have looked into the fire and I am smiling!  Stay tuned for whether or not I am accepted in the exhibition!

"Bruised not Broken"  Joss Sone

Say it OUT LOUD!

Energy….I want more ‘effing energy. 

I want to paint and create and LIVE . 

I want my heart to work right. 

I want a life of happy, creative, fun, loving, and yes….. perhaps a little naughty  stuff!

(I have pushed way past my boundary painting for Nude Nite…..I hope I get in!)

And since I have never said it out loud....

"Trump is an asshole"!

"Say What You Want to"  Sheryl Crow

So here is a new one....you know you are just way too tired when you step into the shower while still wearing your underwear....Holy Crap!

I am busy...... painting

It is hard to explain….when so much of life has been spent taking care of others, taking care of me often makes me feel guilty and selfish…..although I will confess…that when I am creating I have no problem saying not now, later or NO.  

So please add “I am busy painting” first on this list!

"Turn, Turn, Turn"  The Byrds

Say What You Need to Say.....progress...

OMG…I think it might work!....2 days….no sagging….wish I could say the same thing about me!  Got other weirdness in the works that are equally, if not more engineering-ly challenged. Now that I know it will work, I can keep working and finish... AND NO…I just do not seem to be able to work flat.

"Say What You Need to Say"  John Mayer

"Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems,

Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead,

If you could only . . .

 Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

It's better to say too much

Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open (a wide heart)

 Say what you need to say"

John Mayer

...and bite me in the ass

There are some days that feel just like this...  I do not plan them….they do not announce themselves…they just happen.  They sneak up behind me when I least expect them and quite frankly when I think I am at my most vulnerable.....and bite me in the ass.  I know all creating comes with disgusting amounts of doubt and fear, but yesterday the emotional and physical exhaustion  it produced, bit me in the ass, chewed me up, and then spit me out!

"Have a Little Faith"  Michael Franti

Woman Driver

This silly little “bean car” (because from the side it looks like a bean) has been around for all of the Evans grandchildren!  Beginning with Oliver 13 years ago.  I found it at a neighborhood garage sale, who knows how old it was even then.  Our first “drives” with Oliver were in St. Augustine at the Christmas parade.  It has been a part of every Evans little person since then.  Nana’s  silly little “bean car” has a new home and its very first woman driver and its very last Evans little driver, but oh my is she a cute one!

"Drive My Car"  The Beatles

FEISTY is on the way!

I have been officially labeled non-compliant for a while now….no big deal….but then yesterday I received an email regarding my s-icd that reminded me I should be proud of it! In fact, I am fairly certain, they should be the ones labeled non-compliant! Holy Crap! Watch out..... FEISTY is on it's way!

"I'm a Loser" The Beatles

!t wAs a gReAT yEAr!

I know...I know...I am running late on this one....but this big canvas for the Nude Nite jury date 1/12 is chapping my ass!  Paddling as fast as I can, but dear god....I am much slower than I used to be!
Wait for it...the video seems to be like me sLOw (to load)!

I am the lucky one!

Living and celebrating!  I cannot remember who said this and on top of that, I am going to paraphrase poorly, but what keeps ringing in heart, is “you do not really figure out how to live, until you realize you are dying”.  And here is the real ugly part, by the time you figure this out; there will most likely be gross physical, mental or financial limitations.

 I am the lucky one!  These things have applied to me however I am still functioning, frustratingly slow and overwhelmingly tired, but wonderfully with little physical pain.  When I do function…. it is good.  I have my creativity, received unbelievable financial gift and  the most amazing hospice team…..

I AM LIVING!

"Walk the Walk"  Eric Bibb

What you.....

This works….I know it does! Well, it works for everything except for cellulite.  Creatives seem to have some of this kind of thought process automatically ingrained in us….but I suspect we all do!  I think we become afraid that our own thoughts and/or wants will make us different and not fit in with what others think we should be….  We cave into the social pressures of things like church, family, community, doctors, lovers, friends and this list can go on and on and on.  But as we get older, we have to answer the question, was this the life I wanted to live. Think, feel, imagine…I am creating myself!

"Evolve"  Anni DiFranco