I Am the Only One in my Way....

Most days I am strong, resolved, sturdy, steady.  Those are the days I am fine more than fine I am spectacular. I am absolutely magnificent.  Then there are those other days....other days I am scared, really scared....  It is like being caught in a web.  A web I cannot see, but I know it is there, I can feel it.  I know I can do this...I know I have to do it by myself and sometimes I am scared.

 
"You're the Only One in Your Way"  Cloud Cult

You are the wind, the flood and the flame.
Nothing here can get in your way.
You've come too far to care what they say.
Now you're the only thing in your way.

Big Girl Panties today!

I need my big girl panties for this ride. Sometimes things change, when I am not ready for them to. My life and everything about it seems to move at 2 speeds wide open or sitting completely still. So today I am sitting completely still, while my heart is wide open….

                                                         "Shape of my Heart"  Sting

COURAGE!

"Loving you"  Paolo Nutini

"Back off loneliness, and hello tenderness
I've been waiting for your call for so long
It must have been hard just to follow your soul
To stick to the road that
your heart wants you to go
and as you slide through the door
With your morals on your sleeve
I think it's time for all those morals to leave"
So many people think we've got it wrong
They'll try to break us but we won't play along
So let's get down and dirty baby.
Let's get restless baby
Come on get crazy with me"       Paolo Nutini

And it takes so much COURAGE to lead an unconventional life!

Nobody Ever Told ME

OK world...Here I am
60 years old today and nobody ever told me...

Finally I have the strength to tell myself
I do not have to fit in the box.
It is OK that I am not a perfect wife or Mother
It is OK that I am not skinny
It is OK that I am not pretty
It is OK if I am not liked by everyone
It is OK that I am just me...
It is more than OK
It is a good thing

Finally I have the strength to say
I am good just the way I am.
No more rules! Just me being happy, and filled with love.
Happy Birthday me!


"Nobody Ever Told You"  Carrie Underwood

from the "Tribe of Wild Women" was the perfect message today!
I'm acutely aware of negative self talk in my own languaging and in other peoples...I believe our greatest stepping stone to being in touch with our authentic selves is to be ever mindful of being kind to ourselves...in everything we do and say...and by say I mean watching the thoughts that roll around in our head...let our thoughts and words be gentle...it's a huge step in loving ourselves..huge

Blood Moon

mmmmmm…..Sat outside early this morning and literally soaked this spectacle in. Am not sure why I am so attracted and influenced by full moons, but I am and this one was truly amazing. It seems like some of my most memorable life events, both good and bad have been attached to full moons. Do not know if that is by accident or design, it just is. From a science/spiritual point of view, a full moon is carrying, without interruption all of the energy from the sun. Ocean tides are the evidence of how significant this energy is.

It pulls my heart, too…in the most significant ways, it pulls my heart.


"Moon Shadow"  Cat Stevens

Cheesy

How lucky I am!  Dear, dear friends and family. Marvelous life!  It has not always been easy and I suspect there are more bumps to come, but oh my….how grand it is now!

 

Posted this pic on FB today with the heading, “an open bottle of wine and a basket of bread, I am good to go” and a friend fired back, “where is the cheese?”  and all I could respond with is “she is standing right there!"  

Yes I do feel “cheesy” almost like a really drippy Hallmark card, but I am so very very happy, it is almost unreal….and I am loving every single moment!

"Happy"  Pharrell Williams

Once in a Lifetime

Ya-Ya Sisters celebrate 60
Sparklers and Champagne

Once in a lifetime, is just that. Whatever situation brings people and circumstances to create lasting
memories are just that, a fleeting few moments that happen once in a lifetime but live forever in my heart. Some can be meticulously planned others are spontaneous. It does not seem to matter how it occurs, those incredible memories are forever ingrained and somehow become part of who and what I am.

Last night was one of those incredible memories. Thank you to everyone that was there, to all of you that worked so hard to help us make it happen.

Terry & I celebrate our 60th birthday with champagne, sparklers, great friends and family!  Happy birthday US!

This….this is the magic of life.

"All Night Long"  Lionel Richey

P-A-R-T-Y

OOOOOOO Boy!

I am ready for some party!

"I Just Want to Celebrate"    Rare Earth

I Get to Choose!

In the past 4+ years, I find myself rethinking what healing and happy is. I had been sucked into a culture that focused on perfection as the only path to happiness. I forgot that flaws, pain and suffering are necessary parts of life, they are how I grow, and they are not always to be avoided at all costs. I do not think I am intrinsically virtuous because of this disease and my grief, but I feel clearly empowered by it.

Grief in the broad sense, has taken me outside of the mistaken logic of happiness.  Grief sends me on a different course.

The theologian Paul Tillich wrote that people who endure suffering are taken beneath the routines of life and find they are not who they believed themselves to be. Grief and loss broke through what I thought was the bottom of me but revealed an awareness and emotion I did not know existed. When I finally felt comfortable with this layer of awareness, it kicked through even a lower area revealing more.

Grief and fear drag me deep into myself. It has given me a new sense of my limitations, what I can control and cannot control. I am not clear how or where relief comes from. I do not understand what situation provokes peace, or eases grief. However, I have discovered that it is not the medical curing of the disease controlled by others, but the divine life healing process that exists in me.

I know I am not the master of my situation, but I am not helpless either. I cannot determine the course of this disease or my pain, but I get to choose how much I participate and respond to it.

"Barely Breathing"  Duncan Skeiks

now...

I am no superman…My journey is not intended to be an inspiration, I just want to document a journey. The ups the downs, the happy the sad, the fears and the joy, maybe it will give others and opportunity to rethink the rules and break them when you need to. Be smart, do your homework, know what you are doing, honor how you want to feel right now, because there is nothing in the future that is guaranteed. Life is in the now. It is where I am going….it is where I want to be.

"Where are You Going?"  Dave Matthews Band

It Finally Came!

FINALLY.....came!
Now when I say I hold a BA in Arts Admin....
I can REALLY hold it!
Clearly "turning your work in on time" is a concept that the university administration has not yet grasped!
But it is in my hot little hands and I am happy!

A lot of hard work....


"I Just Want to Celebrate"  Rare Eath

Smile

Maybe not physically as strong….that is not how this works and I know that. But I am stronger than I ever have been in every other sense of the word because I smile and I think in the long run that does and will continue to keep me physically strong. Smiling is the outward sign to the universe that I am grateful. Smiling invokes synchronicity from the universe. Smiling puts everyone around me at ease and helps them not be afraid for me. Smiling just feels good. It is life…and I have decided to live it….I mean really live it!


"Smile"   Uncle Kracker

I Know the Heart of Life is Good

There are days that I have to really clutch a mantra

“life is good, it is happening just like it should, these are the lessons I need to learn, walk through this and learn, or it will come back again and again and again until  I learn this lesson.”

Yesterday may have been really the first time that I was observed….

Not being strong, and I had no choice. 

Most of the time I can muscle through. 

"The Heart of Life"   John Mayer
Pain throws your heart to the ground

Love turns the whole thing around

Fear is a friend who's misunderstood

But I know the heart of life is good
I know it's good

and......What I Really Want to do…

I “teach” follow your heart thinking when it comes to art and creating.  I assumed that is how life should be lived.  But I am learning following your heart is not always fairy tale easy…..but.... my oh my, it is worth it.

I think the biggest secret to following your heart, is breaking the rules!  It is about being grossly honest about what your reality is, what your circumstances are, then carefully recognizing what you want and understanding why. 

Thank goodness I think too much, thank goodness art opened up my life and thinking, thank goodness I have the courage to break the rules! Because everytime there is a crack in the rules the most exciting stuff slips into my life!

"I Can't Get Next to You"  Al Green 
I can turn a gray sky blue

 I can make it rain when I want it to

Oh, I can build a castle from a single grain of sand

I can make a ship sail on dry land, 

It’s Just a Ride....

Did I reach too far?  Have I pushed passed my own boundaries?  Have I been so long outside my own comfort zone that I have forgotten what comfortable was?

Most of the time I think I can do this, then there are days that I wear myself out trying to prove to myself that I can.
But....I thought it was so much more…..
Is it real or just a ride?

"Just a Ride"   Jem
"Life, it's ever so strange, It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out. Then BANG Right out of the blue, Something happens to you To throw you off course, And then you
Breakdown, Yeah you breakdown Well don't you breakdown, Listen to me
Because…
It's just a ride, it's just a ride, No need to run, no need to hide. It'll take you round and round, Sometimes you're up, Sometimes you're down, It's just a ride, it's just a ride. Don't be scared, 
Don't hide your eyes, It may feel so real inside, But don't forget it's just a ride"

Putting a little love in my heart!

Am learning that no one can do that for me,
Although I will confess, that I always felt like that was how it should be and my worth would be determined by what others think, how much they love me, or how much they pay me.
I am learning how to put love in my own heart, for me.  When you never learned how, it is hard, not as easy as I thought it should be.
A crown, a magic wand and dancing when no one is looking helps…..It helps a lot!

"Put a Little Love in Your Heart"  Jackie DeShannon
Take a good look around and if you're lookin' downPut a little love in your heart
I hope when you decide kindness will be your guide......Put a little love in your heart.

Respect the magic!

Yes I am capable of creating realistic (kind of) “nice” art but right now….I am

spending hours in the studio making ridiculous things! Some think I am mad! 

Celebrating life, celebrating love, creating because I am happy, I have something to say….not because it needs to sell! I have been given so many gifts, I want to use every  single one of them up!

Dancing goofy around the house when no one is looking. Breaking out in uncontrollable giggles for no reason. Dreaming of accomplishing the impossible!
....because I can!

Who says magic is not real?

"Respect"   Aretha Frankin

Art Ya-Ya Queen

Claiming my super power and channeling magic through me, around me and in me. There has been such a pile of synchronicity that keeps stacking up around me about magic wands and crowns, I just could not ignore it any more. The final blow was watching the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood and the magnificent crowns they made and wore. I could not stand it for another minute and began twisting wire and old broken costume jewelry!  Popped it on my head and the magic flowed.  Feeling like I am the Art Ya-Ya Queen of my own heart!
Look out the magic wand is in the works!  Ya-Ya!

"Do You Believe in Magic?"  The Loving Spoonful

In it with all of my heart...

"All That We Let In" 2013

I do not pretend to know all of the answers, all I know is how to explore and ask the questions.  Maybe it

has never been about having all of the right answers. Is it possible that it is simply seeking answers that makes life valuable? 

What if there were no mysteries, how then would we explain love? How different would we see life, How different would we experience death? I will keep asking questions?

I am certain I will never have all the "right" answers, but what feels right for me will have to be "right" enough for those that love me.

“I think we can't go around measuring our goodness by what we don't do, by what we deny ourselves, what we resist, and who we exclude. I think we've got to measure goodness by what we embrace, what we create, and who we include.”

Joanne Harris, Chocolat

"All That We Let In"  Indigo Girls

What If I Don't Believe?

This guy has a terrific answer....

It is interesting, different and somehow resonates with my heart.  It makes more sense to me than any religion. No stories of super human feats, no magic tricks, no destructive gods and rules to defend and go to war over.  No imaginary signs around my neck, Christian, Catholic, Baptist, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. or rules and regulations that feel unnatural or destructive to me. 

I have the responsibility to recognize and honor the the unique and divine in each person (or not).

Slave of the Ordinary

It is so much easier to be a slave of the ordinary.
If you think following the rules are difficult, WHEW, you ought to try following your heart in a world that says they honor being different but then go to great lengths to keep us in line.
When you begin to recognize and follow your purpose the world becomes polarized.
It does not mean I do not see the people that shake their heads at me, that laugh at me or think I deserved what I got.
I see and it does hurt.
But, it no longer hurts enough for me to want to change and do it their way!
It does make it much easier for me to see the clear difference between “my ways” and the slaves of the ordinary.
I will pick my way every time!
I have so much more to learn!


"I Won't Give Up"    Jason Mraz

You can't get too much love!

"Is Anybody Looking?" 2013

“Thinking about what I want….think about what I’ve got
and all of the things that will heal or hurt me”

…Which is which?

…Is it good, is it bad?

...Is anybody looking?

...Does it matter if they do?

Want to keep living and loving as hard as I can.

Not missing a minute of this life.

You just cannot get too much
singing, dancing, giggling, living, loving!

You can't get too much life!

"You can't get too much love!

The time is right for loving say, come on come on!"

"Belly-Belly Nice"     Dave Matthews Band

Making plans for 60!

How did this happen?  
How did I get to be this age? 
When I really do not feel this age?  
But it certainly deserves some serious attention and celebration !!
and to that end.....
We are making big plans for 60!
Stay tuned

"Birthday"   The Beatles

Come on and take a free ride....

Creativity emerging from BLOCKS.... CJEvans 2013

I know when I choose to participate in negativity, 

I am deliberately choosing

to block my own creativity.

I will not allow that.

Nobody's winning at this kind of game
We've got to do better it's time to begin
You know all the answers must come from within
So...Come on and take a free ride

"Free Ride"    Edgar Winter

Putting away my Shit Kicking Boots....

Yes.....they are shit kicking boots, because I would like nothing more than to kick the shit out of a jerk, a pompous, ignorant, sanctimonious, self-appointed, negative, deaf, blabbermouth.
And this is why I am really mad….I allowed him to engage me in his holier-than-thou rants. I allowed him to suck me into his negativity....Shame on me, Shame on me!
Putting away my shit kicking boots.
You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin'
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha! I just found a brand new box of matches yeah
and what I know you ain't HAD time to learn.

                                               "These Boots are Made for Walking"  Nancy Sinatra

She's Not Afraid

Maybe it is the warm weather, maybe it is a few creative "irons in the fire" maybe it is a new group of Artist's Way....but I am having a wonderful shot of "She is not afraid"!

Trying to figure out how to bottle this "She is not afraid" for the yukky days!

I am smiling, dancing, creating, giggling....everything is good!
Nope...taking that back...It is AMAZING!
"Addicted to the feeling of LETTING GO!"


" She's Not Afraid"   One Direction

I am happy!

Here’s to NOT following the rules.
Here’s to courage (there is never enough) but happy that I have what I have.
Here’s to life, and pushing past all of the crappy expectations and obligations! I am happy!

"Happy"   Pharrell Williams

Just Let Go and See Where it Lands....

"There are avenues and supplements

and books stacked on the shelf

Labyrinths of recovery in search of my best self

But most of what will happen now is way out of my hands

So just let it go and see where it lands"

" I Believe in Love"  Indigo Girls

Believe in me...

I never knew I was allowed to believe in me.
I just knew there were parts of me that were screaming to be heard.
It took years and years to develop the courage and self-worth that I have now, and even that is compromised.

But still to this day…I find myself
seeking out the trust, the touch of one that sees me as valuable.
Does anyone ever get to the point in their lives that they believe in themselves enough to not need others approval?

Shouldn't I have figured this out a long time ago?

 

"Ironic"    Alanis Moriessette

It needs to begin in the place where it started.

I get that I am a little left of center…I grew up trying so hard to be middle of the road, and I was such a miserable failure! Recently I have been irrevocably drawn back into Leesburg, I thought it was because of my art and creativity, and although that may be part of it, I suspect the important part is the Universe has sucked me back into the single one place that harbors more pain, violence and shame that I thought could possibly be endured. So much pain that I ran from there, not once but twice. It is time for me to face those demons. Were they real or a young woman’s bad dreams? I have some healing to do, and it needs to begin in the place where it started.

My weirdness will make me stronger. 

 My dark side will keep me whole. 

 My vulnerability will connect me to the rest of the world 

and my creativity will set me free. 

 There is nothing wrong!

"Blackbird"  The Beatles

Having a Ya-Ya moment!

These are the headdresses of the queens that have gone before us. They come from Indian holy ground... the jungles of the ancients... prairies of the Norwegians... and the forests of the mighty Amazons. The royal crowns of our people.  We are the flames of the fires, the whirling of the winds. We are the waters of the rains and the rivers and the oceans. We are the rocks and the stones.  
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

I really do need to have one of these. 

No, actually I need several of them!  It would go so well with my magic wand!

"Follow Me"   Uncle Kracker

My Obeah Women....Answering the Universe

I have been doing a lot of talking but falling short on listening.  I am learning to hush, and let the Universe ask, direct, and guide.  No more picking and choosing based on what I perceive to be the “right” thing, but now make an effort to answer every opportunity.

I trust that the Universe will present me and my work with the opportunities that are not just focused on financial gain, but will fill me life with the lessons that I need and want to learn.  I believe my creativity is going to take me to the most spectacular places that most people would never even consider. 

"Obeah Woman"    Nina Simone

Hopping on "Another Train"

Leesburg Center for the Arts...ready for class #1

After 17 years of facilitating this class, you would think I would get over this paralyzing fear of first class.  I DO NOT.  Every class is different, every group establishes their own personality and I have no idea how I am going to fit in.  The one thing that keeps me coming back and back and back is that every single time, without fail, I learn something significant.  I always begin as the teacher and I always end up being the one that learns! 

Yes... I am scared and nervous but the anticipation about what I will be learning next is worth it!

"Another Train"  The Poozies

Sometimes the day after is worth it!

Sometimes the price you pay is worth it! Leesburg's Emerging Artist program was a wonderful experience, I had a great time, the girls sold incredibly well for their "first time" working the streets. Both of them terrific artists and wonderful women.And...the wine bar....well that kind of says it all! Sometimes the day after is worth it! Thank you to all of these amazing women for a GRRRRReat weekend!
"Bottle of Wine"  The Fireballs

My heart is full!

Although my gypsy spirit is sill longing, my heart is unable to keep up the grueling pace of the outdoor art festival....
BUT.... I am so grateful to be a part of the Leesburg Art Center's Emerging Artist Program, as I mentor and launch 2 new creatives in their new art careers at the Leesburg Outdoor Art Festival this weekend.
Please send them, Debi & Belina your very creative thoughts as they begin this exciting new part of their lives!
My heart is full!   Booom shaka-laka!

"I Want to Take you Higher"  Ike & Tina Turner

Brutal honesty….Healing…Moving forward…

And none of it comes easy!
Brutal honesty is making me open my eyes to the realities of my life. Some of them I glossed over, convinced myself it did not matter, filed them away, and called them done, thinking it was just that easy to choose to handle life. The ugly memories can be tucked away, but they will continue to poke through my life until I get them out, explore them and resolve the circumstances that created them.

Healing is the process of me being honest with me. Accepting the part I played in creating my own pain. It is the hardest part of this process. It is so much easier to point a finger and blame, but the reality is I participated, whether willingly or not, none of it could have happened without my permission.

I am NOW giving myself the gift of permission to heal, to live, to love and not feel guilty for wanting these things.

I have no idea what moving forward is going to look like, but I know it needs to begin now. In the past I have tried to hold my life still, just maintaining what I have. I have tried stepping back into my old life, convincing myself I was moving forward by picking up where I left off. Neither worked, the last choice is simply being honest with myself and moving forward.

Healing me, healing my heart is going to take brutal honesty, forgiveness, and sheer determination…I can only hope it will be worth it!

"Be Honest"  Jason Mraz

Exploring me…

This is my first self-portrait, done in a workshop by Derek Gores whose style is unmistakable. Seems like all artists at one time or another are compelled to do a self-portrait, and I never have until recently. There seemed to be a need that welled up in me to explore me. Not so much how I looked, but more about how I feel. The age, the wrinkles and thousands of words are all there, but what I wanted to see, what I want you to see is the determination in my eyes. Determined to live the most full amazing life that is possible with the time I have. The first time I recognized that determined spark was in a photo taken by my friend and phenomenal photographer as well as a creative in her own right, Dale Fox, five months after my heart attack. I had cut all of my long red hair so I could take care of it myself, and still somewhat embarrassed I was wearing a red bandana. The day before I had been identified by the one of the top high-risk thoracic surgeons as a bad surgical risk and rejected as a surgical candidate. I had nowhere to turn. And although I can see the profound sadness in my face, I can also see the determination in my eyes. My eyes will always tell the truth, I am determined, and that is what I wanted you to see. What I am looking for is my passion, connection, excitement and fearlessness!

"If"  Bread
looking back now...is ther some divine reason that I end up in Leesburg 
to create my first self portrait?

Damn Rules!

Who made up all the rules? We follow them like fools,

Believe them to be true, Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry, so sorry I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too, Cause what we tend to do

Is act on what they say, And then it is that way

And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this

Who are they? Where are they?

How can they possibly Know all this?

Who are they? Where are they? How can they possibly know all this?

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?

Is it because it's true That ignorance is bliss?

Who are they? Where are they?

How do they Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?

Is it because it's true, That ignorance is bliss?

And who are they? Where are they?

How can they, Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this

"They"       Jem

I Am Amazed!

There are so many amazing things in this world, and I am learning, I am learning, I am learning! All of the platitudes have always been there, right in front of my face, but I just did not get them until I actually experience them. And here is the thing, it was never by choice! I wanted to experience them, I was too afraid to really reach out there and try. The absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to me, turns out to be the most phenomenal gift I could have ever received! Without it I would have been too afraid to ever try, to ever really live.
Everyday, everyday another amazing gift arrives in my life that is more than I could have ever expected.
Here is what I have learned so far.
It is ok to be slightly strange!
Give and give even when I think there is nothing more of me to give, it always come back to me in the most amazing ways!
Break some rules, they will get over it!
Don’t be afraid to let someone see me, really see me, I do not have to be strong or perfect all of the time.

"Maybe I am Amazed"  Jem

Nude Nite 2014

edgy, provocative, think

Every exhibition will have work that will grab and shake you, but Nude Nite…shakes me to my core, every piece of work is guaranteed to push me to the edge.

What is beautiful,
what are my boundaries,
and is there anything more spectacular than the human body?

It is the most amazing exhibition, and as nervous as I have been to have such a large “not my style” piece accepted I am honored beyond belief to be in the company of such incredible artists that have so much to say! 

I am reminded how wonderfuly lucky I am...

and I absolutely love my evil ways!

"Evil Ways"  Santana

It goes both ways….

Extreme joy, laughing, celebrating vs debilitating fear, panic, worry.   

I am learning that one does not exist without the other!  Pushing to the edge has been the most frightening thing I have ever done, in my life and in my art, but every single time I have challenged a boundary, it has been worth it.  Even when the results were absolute and total failure, I have learned something new and amazing about myself.

It is ok to be afraid, I do not want to avoid fear any more.  I want to invite it in, push my limits because I know ecstasy lies on the other side.

One does not exist without the other.

It has to go both ways!

"I Just Want to Celebrate" Rare Earth

but.....It's ME who is my enemy

I am not the person who is singing, I am the silent one inside.

I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes.  

I just pacify their egos.

I am not my house, my car or my songs, 

They are only stops along my way.

I am like the winter; I'm a dark cold female, 

With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave.

And it's me who is my enemy Me who beats me up

Me who makes the monsters Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice I am carrying my heart.

I am carrying my rhythm I am carrying my prayers,

but you can't kill my spirit, it's old and it is strong,

And like a mountain I'll go on and on. 

But when my wings are folded,

The brightly colored moth blends into the dirt into the ground

And it's me who is my enemy.  Me who beats me up.

Me who makes the monsters. Me who strips my confidence.

And it's me who's too weak, 

And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.

And it's me who's too weak, 

And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.But I love

I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water,

And I'm scared as hell But I know there's something better.

(Yes I know, yes I know, yes I know, yes I know)

                                             "Me" Paula Cole

CJ is back....

Struggling with a new style, a new medium, a new size.  After so many years of a single recognizable saleable style, it is so scary to step out in such a well-attended exhibition with a piece that is new, different, not me, not well explored or developed.
But maybe that is what she is all about.
I needed a much stronger person with more confidence and strength to belong to this painting, to sign this work.

The young woman I was...stepped forward. She could do this without a second thought. She was courageous, strong, edgy, experimental, and did not give a rat’s ass what others thought.  She always did what felt good at the moment.
She was always in the NOW.
and then she grew up, followed the rules, behaved and she got scared.

CJ  came back to me. Oh, how I have needed and
welcomed her strength and confidence back into my life!
Celebrating her AMAZING attitude back in my life!

 
"It's Amazing"  JEM
Do it now
You know who you are
You feel it in your heart
And you're burning and wishing

I chose....

The work is done, and I am way outside my comfort zone in my life and with my art. I desperately need a sage mentor to take my hand and lead me back to the strength and confidence I used to know so well.  How do I do this? Conjuring up the loving strong supportive ghost that exists inside me, that guides me, holds my hand like I am a child then looks deep into my eyes and says
I believe in you. 
You can do this. 
This is why you are here. 
It is what you are meant to do. 
You always have and you always will do it alone.
Fear and insecurity is part of what you do and you have chosen to do it anyway.
 You chose this.  It is what you love. Now do it!
   
"Ghost" Indigo Girls

Control

The damage no longer controls my life….

Well kind of.....sometimes….I mean it is there, I cannot get away from that.  But this, this is the most amazing way to look at it.  Yes there is damage yes it effects how I live, but I can no longer allow it to control my life.  Nope not any more….I am in charge of this….
I am in charge of this.

"Everyday"  Dave Matthew Band

"Gone So Wrong"

First and most important thing to know, is that after 20 something years, I have done everything I know how to do to avoid drawing/painting faces! They scare the hooey out of me, don’t ask me why…And there is absolutely no explanation for why now, or why I chose such a huge format….ummmmm…I had a canvas that big and I painted over the abstract from years ago is about the only explanation I can offer. Screwed up my creative courage, I was going to get her face right today, or considered seriously, just not showing up. I dug in there…. So here she is….heading to Nude Nite. God I hope I am not making a fool of myself. She is the WRONG MEDIUM and the WRONG SIZE... OMG....
just “Gone So Wrong”! in so many many different ways!

"To Be With You"  Mr. Big

How Long till My Soul Gets it Right?

I suspect what I am trying to say is, there has to be balance!  There has to be sadness and sorrow, for any of us to be able to experience the full measure of ecstasy!    We need that comparison.   I remind myself when I am in the middle of a merciless unfair event that the universe is  preparing me for unbridled happiness and joy.…the bigger the disappointment….the greater the joy!

How long till my soul gets it right

Can any human being ever reach 
that kind of light

I call on the resting soul of Galileo

King of night vision, king of insight


"Galileo"   Indigo Girls

Brave...

There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.

Carrie Bradshaw, (from Sex in the City)

"Brave" Sara Bareillas

Sometimes....It just Works!

There are no big discernable reasons for those incredible feeling days, they just happen! Maybe today is working spectacularly well because it is not cold, wet or raining for the first time in 4 straight days. I was beginning to feel moldy! Maybe it is the energy that buzzed through each of us Friday night at the Desire Mapping group that still lingers. Maybe it was trying something different yesterday that seemed to have been quasi-successful, but at the very least was a step in the right direction. Maybe it is dreaming about letting go of my fears of being away from home as I consider a trip.
 Whatever it is or maybe all of it,
it makes me feel like dancing today!
 
"Lowrider"  War                       

INSPIRED!

So ecstatic to be in the company of incredible, open, and aware people.  So very ready to sit in a place I have never sat before.  Not forcing, not planning, not striving, just learning how to recognize feelings and to open my heart to the unimaginable.

"Closer to Fine"  The Indigo Girls