After she lets go....

I will not lie….my Mother and I had a turbulent relationship!  Life choices that we both made created a difficult, if not impossible Mother-Daughter relationship to develop.  But then there was another element that entered into the difficulties…we both had preconceived notions about how and what a Mother-Daughter relationship should be.  Without the emotional tools to develop our own unconventional relationship, we both depended on an unrealistic version of a combination of a religious Madonna and “Leave it to Beaver” definition.  It was an impossible task to live up to and we both failed miserably.  When we finally were able to admit to ourselves and each other that we were truly inept at this Mother-Daughter thing we were able to forgive and forget and move into an adult friendship that we could define on our own terms.  It was not perfect but, oh my it was so much better.  Letting go of other people’s expectations allowed us to enjoy each other as fallible adults, more than I suspect most typical Mother-Daughter relationships are capable of.  The friendship was amazing but I will confess it is the Mother hugs that truly live on in my heart and give me such strength.  Here's to you Mother....your favorite!

"Take Five" Dave Brubeck

A little booty shake!

It has been kind of a scary week or two…there have been changes…I hate when that happens!  There has been a big increase in med dosages to counter the latest changes and I just had a 24 hr check to see if/or what effects it is having.  The official report is…drum roll please…my heart rate has responded just the way they hoped it would, now we wait a couple of weeks to see how my body adjusts. This is a good thing!  There will not be any holy crap, immediate celebrating or dancing in the streets just yet…but an extra nap here and there and a little booty shake at the front door can’t hurt!

"Dance With You"  The Beatles

A New Realization!

A few trump trolls slipped through my “back door” on to my FaceBook page! I have systematically eliminated all bombastic hateful negative political speak on my page. However, I will confess to posting political satire cartoons and publicly and positively supporting candidates and policies that I admire.   

I am surprised at how personally harmful it is to be exposed every day to such negative irresponsible posts and was ashamed of myself for being drawn into their conversations, defending another (my) point of view, which they rarely, if ever, acknowledged as a valid opinion.   I am a firm believer in and I love participating in active political discourse, but those discussions must first be rooted in a healthy respect for the truth and facts.   They are damaging (I suspect they already know that) and I have to protect myself from their evangelical hate and negativity.  

At the risk of making an ugly generalization, it always feels like mob mentality and it is always the same group of insecure uninformed egotistical old white men. Everyone has a right to express themselves, but when that expression does not intellectually recognize opposing views has no purpose other than demean and belittle anyone that does not believe the same, I have to remove them from my daily exposure.

Here is a new realization…an “unfriended” person’s post will continue to show up on your personal page if and when the post is a response to another one of your “active” friend’s posts….and that is how those ugly comments slip through the “back door” …more “unfriending” to do!

"Ants Marching"  Dave Matthews Band

A craving to experience and expose

Writing, blogging, journaling, I believe, is a practice that teaches me better than any other activity the elusive art of solitude and understanding how to be present with myself, witness my thoughts, experience completely, and fully inhabit my inner life, especially as my outer life declines.  I’ve always had an irresistible fascination with the personal diaries and writing of other artists.  They let me know that “it is not just me”.  Well…sometimes it isn’t just me.  I love that creatives will admit to feelings that most people are afraid to even think about.  I suspect that may be part of our creative inspiration, whether it is visual or written creativity.  I recognize, just like in journaling, a craving to experience and expose.

 "Something to Talk About"  Bonnie Raitt

Her real name....

Anger is ugly, negative, foul, disagreeable, hostile, and aggressive.  Anger is never something I wanted to experience and so I did not. Did I short circuit the grief process? I am still not angry but I do feel guilty. And then grief sneaks in without forewarning as fear.  As I have mentioned so many times before…there are so many web sites and support groups for those that are mourning and grieving the loss of a loved one.  Why can’t we have the same for those of us that are grieving and mourning the loss of our own lives that an illness has made us give up and will never have?  The sorrow is overwhelming sometimes.

"Overkill"  Colin Hay

There must be something to it!

Maybe I share too much!  But there is something magical about getting the thoughts out of my head and into the tangible world.  If you can accept that digital is tangible…  “Seeing a feeling” is freeing!  Sometimes it might be a simple as getting a negative out of my head.  A negative feeling on paper or a screen often weakens the fear, anger, frustration, and it loses its power over me.  The opposite holds true for celebrating, laughing or examining the absurd.  Actually, seeing it gives me the opportunity to enjoy it, laugh or have a second, third, fourth chance to revel in gratitude again.  Either way, I am not sure if it is a “creative” thing or not, but people have been journaling for years there must be something to it!

"The Story of Your Life"  Matthew West

Celebrate Me Home!

Simple, peaceful, cheerful is where I am heading…. not just in the house and garden… but in my life.  Surrounding myself with it…. Allowing my feelings to spill out into the physical space and as always love creating with new “materials” and from a whole new and different point of view!  Looking forward to culling out old plants and then placing the healthy (weed free) potted plants back out there today. 

I am sewing happy new chair cushions and pillows to replace the old faded ones and the porch is now “Alexa-fied”!  Enjoying spending time and resources on making a healing comfortable (easy maintenance) space!

"Celebrate Me Home"  Kenny Loggins

Woo-Hoo! Tad-Poles on the way! 
The pond has only been in the ground 2 nights and already the frogs have laid eggs in the frog pond...The Frogs and tad-poles are our mosquito control...it is a whole ecosystem that we did not plan....It just happened!  But it is grand!

I am sure it knows what to do!

This is just what I needed to read!  All of the fear, all of the bad memories, the guilt, the anger, and the pain are (for the most part) only in my mind.  However, this does not mean that those memories are not capable of initiating the very same unbearable damaging negative feelings that they conjured up originally…

I want desperately to let go of the memories, that still “cut through me like shards of glass” and keep me from enjoying life now.  That old pain, guilt, and anger can be even more damaging.  I am smarter and wiser now, I know what went wrong, I learned the lesson.  But that is the rational brain. The emotional brain works differently. Regardless of the intelligent rationalizations, the destructive emotions are as real and damaging today as they were originally.  Because I think I am "bigger than the memories, I do not expect them to have residual emotional power....but boy they do!

Perhaps it is time to just acknowledge them, allow myself to feel the emotion, to let it wash over me, and then remind myself it is not real anymore. Convincing my mind to let my heart take over…. even though it is broken, I am sure it knows what to do!

"Faith of the Heart"  Rod Stewart

Not just funny… but necessary!

In the midst of my latest “feel sorry for myself” blog episodes, I came across this post.  After several minutes of rolling on the floor laughing, I recognized just how much I needed to laugh then decided that I am definitely stealing this one!

Through the course of recent real estate history, my little house is now perched approximately 2 miles from a Baptist Church and a Jehovah Witness Kingdom Hall.  What they both have in common is a very active and aggressive door to door proselytizing program!  Clearly, they do not want to stray far from home and I get regular, and I mean almost weekly assaults from these strolling Bible toters, although lately, some arrive in carloads.  I have tried all of the things I thought would frighten them away…some work…some do not.  Not answering the door, if you see them coming is the best one, but every now and again they manage a covert approach and I am caught off guard.  And here is an agonizing lesson I learned the hard way…if you are caught off guard…here is the #1 thing NOT to do!  Do NOT under any circumstances announce yourself as an atheist, agnostic or member of a weird cult.  That is almost like throwing raw meat into a starving lion’s cage!  You immediately become their god project and the pursuit to “turn” you becomes overwhelmingly obnoxious. They will return over and over again, even send in backups to accomplish the mission of saving your soul for Jesus.  Mix this in with the typical (although not that many, compared to the God Squads) door to door solicitors and it makes a sign like this seem not just funny… but necessary!

PS.. In season...I will add  political door knockers to this list

"NO"  Meghan Trainer

Shake it Out

I have been whining a lot lately…sometimes I seem to need to shake this out and dig into the dark that frightens me.  But I also have to remind myself that there is no light without dark…this is just part of it.  What shocks most people is that I talk about it and it is uncomfortable…It is uncomfortable because IT IS!  And not talking about only keeps me afraid. 

"Shake it Out" Florence The Machine

Raw & Scratchy

Ok….” survivor” may not be the best portrayal of my current situation, but it works for me and I will proudly wear that label.  I related immediately to the opportunity to write and to “define my own reality” in this quote. The current reality is so different than anything I could have possibly imagined! Really, I never considered how I would die, how long would it take, would it hurt, how would my family and friends handle it.  Never once did I ask myself,  how would “I” handle it.  Most of my life has been wrapped around taking care of others, anything less than made me a bad mother, a bad wife, narcissistic and an ugly person.  Figuring this out for me is very strange.  I am really not looking for anyone to agree with me, understand me, feel sorry for me or help me through it.  I am just trying to figure out how to do this, for myself…out loud. It may sound selfish; it might make some feel uncomfortable and for that, I do apologize. I am doing the best I can, by the seat of my pants and it is raw and scratchy!

"Message to Myself"  Melissa Etheridge

"Protect whatever is left within..."

I have been accused all through my life of “not letting people in”.  I am not sure I really ever understood what that meant.  But I do understand this quote…  

I know and understand that there are family members, friends, doctors, and religion that I cannot afford to risk losing myself to.   And as I just proofread that sentence back to myself, I realize how silly it must sound to most of you.  It would have sounded silly to me several years ago, too!  Several years ago, when I felt so strong, I would let toxic people close to me but I was strong enough to firmly establish my wall.  My emotional defense wall is failing to protect me now.  I am finding weak spots and cracks in my walls and that scares me.  

Many have advised me to drop my walls, to be vulnerable, ask for help and be open.  I do, in my way, expose myself, by writing behind a “digital curtain” and paperback book covers.   But anything more...means risking my ability to hold on to me…to who I am...to letting others in.  Others have no idea how difficult this is!  Not even those professionals that write the “self-help” books! They are psychologists, medical people, loved ones, that want to help....or sell books,  but not one of them really knows what this feels like.  They can only guess, they are not the ones dying!  We, the ones that are knowingly dying, none of us know how to articulate this!  I was never taught that death was an option, although we all know it is, we just will not talk about it!  I know, I know... I could be making a huge mistake. 

I do not want to feel needy and weak and right now more than ever I have to be me, be strong, I have to “protect whatever is left within”.

"You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"  The Beatles

The Inner Warrior

The game changed this week…and I am still trying to figure out how to “snatch my power back”. That endeavor has ALWAYS ALWAYS been about MOVEMENT!   Getting up, trying something new, pushing past what I thought was possible and the biggest one….being afraid….. and doing it anyway!  The more, the bigger, the better!  Things are changing and although I want desperately “to do”….this body is speaking louder than my longings.  As I negotiate this latest decline, I have had to turn down 2 invitations that a couple of weeks ago I would have jumped at. 

Now my only choice is to wait patiently, watch and hope that soon, very soon that the “plateau” will arrive quickly and I can begin navigating my new normal. 

Anyone that knows me will know how difficult patience and waiting is for me!!!

Send in that inner warrior….QUICK!!!

"Strength, Courage & Wisdom"  Indie Arie

Stories

It occurred to me, that not only was I trying to live up to the “stories” of my past but that I find myself still listening to the stories of others and thinking I need to be a part of them, too.  Other people’s stories are just that, no more, no less… just stories.  They are someone else’s idea of who I am, how I should act and what I should do. Some are hurt that I do not fit in their story, others delighted that I am finally figuring this out.

 I confess I got a pretty great "default" story but it was by sheer luck! However, as I get closer to finishing it, I realize I want to finish this story by design…not sheer accident!

 "Thank You"  Alanis Morrisette

Do unto others...

It was just Easter Weekend, the holiest day of the Christian Religion.  I know, I used to think it was Christmas, too!  Christmas definitely got a better marketing program!  But Christianity is wrapped up in the miracle of the resurrection of the crucified Jesus. It is the foundation for the entire religion. I will not argue the validity of resurrection that is strictly a matter of faith.  You either believe or you do not, there are just as many reasons for as there are for against. But there is NO reason, religion, belief, or faith that should keep any of us from practicing one of the most important tenets of this religion and all others.  Do unto others...


"If You Could Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

but there is a definite possibility!

I have always chalked it up to my gypsy DNA, never really considered this could have been “wine” induced…. but there is a definite possibility!

There are no words that can describe how wonderful and exciting my years on the art festival circuit were, nor did I truly appreciate them until they were gone.  I have really thought about “why” they were so great because they were fraught with some of the most difficult physical work at the most ungodly hours.  I always wondered if there was any amount of money that was worth it.  This work, for what I am certain that if I added up the materials involved would have paid less than minimum wage. But as I look back…I only remember the challenge, opportunity, the adventure and lots of wine sipping.

And even if my work did not sell there were many people that would tell me how much they liked and appreciated my work!  I was validated as an artist regularly with words and dollars.  Sometimes the words were more valuable than the cash.  But make no mistake…every weekend was about seeing and spending time surrounded by the phenomenal works of art created by other artists, making new friends and sipping wine…. lots of wine!

"Spill the Wine" Eric Burden and the Animals

I miss my gypsy life!

Last night was an art opening and I ran into a couple of art friends I had not seen in years and years…and as all art conversations go, we began with “the last time I saw you…you were doing…”  And then a torrent of questions begin about how we did/survived the art show circuit and how they tried it and hated how much work was involved.  It was always hard and incredibly physical but somehow when you have a good show it is worth it!  And we had so many good shows, but that was because we rarely did anything in this area.  We learned early on to do the bigger shows (more possible patrons) and to do our “demographic” median income homework before submitting applications.  It made a huge difference and the hard work was always worth it!   I realized to be good at this, you truly need to be part gypsy and love the lifestyle, be ready and able to fix anything with rope, baling wire and/or duct tape.  Believe me, something will always break.  It was always a challenge and no one will ever really understand just how much I miss this life. Even with all of the blessings I still have and how hard I focus on gratitude, there are days that I would give anything to have my gypsy life back.  

"Gypsy Woman"  Brian Highland

That is the hard part!

Not so sure it is the anger that is hard to let go of, I feel like I am really quite good at releasing my anger….but the emotional exhaustion, hurt and pain caused by feeling, recognizing and dealing with that anger in the first place that wears me out, before I ever have a chance to let it go.  Is there some way of not experiencing the anger at all?
That is the hard part!


"Let it Be"  The Beatles

...but all of a sudden they are everywhere!

I do not intentionally collect angels but all of a sudden they are everywhere!  I can trace back the beginnings of this and many other of my own weirdness to my Mother.  Every Christmas she would include a wonderfully “tacky” angel as part of my gift.  I loved their irreverence so much that I kept them out all year and eventually they were incorporated into the “heart” mobile she made for me that hangs over my bed.  It just seemed appropriate that she, the angels and the hearts watch over me as I sleep. The other angels were gifts or I bought them and one I made.  As a card-carrying agnostic, I never intended to collect angels.  I do not ascribe to the religious existence of winged singing people that fly around making profound announcements.  However, I can wrap my heart around imaginary little beings that watch over me and spread smiles and love.  And the fact that they are all odd, unusual, and quirky makes them even more wonderful.  

"In the Arms of an Angel" Sarah McLachlan

YIKES! ... the angel post follows my swearing post...a little accidental ironic balance...

Swear wisely and with intention!

I remember the first time I swore…I was about 12 and I called Tommy Snyder a dumb ass!  He was trespassing on my favorite “kick the can” hiding place and would not get out!  I was so angry that it just came out of my mouth.  I expected a much more horrified reaction from him…but he just told me to shut up! I decided then and there it certainly did not get me the results I was looking for, and swearing was highly overrated and not worth getting punished over.

When my sons came home from the service, the Navy and the Air Force… I began to understand the saying “swore like a sailor”.  They were both horrible, and I became the language police! 

But then on occasion when I really wanted to make a point, I learned that a well placed swear word got the perfect attention I was looking for.  It was kind of like magic; the boys would literally stop what they were doing and cringe at the pure shock of that coming out of my mouth.  However, I need to warn you, if used too often it loses its shock value.  So... swear wisely and with intention…And I do!

Ah.....F#_k  It

I need some expiration dates!

Well, that is my stack of baggage!  I was mentally filing through them, trying to select the bag that held the most amount of my “damage” when I realized they all do!  How could I possibly pick just one or two of them?  In fact, I am still in awe of the theory (or fact) that we really can carry all of these negative feelings around all of our lives AND they continue to have such an effect on our behavior, even now!  Shouldn’t they have some kind of expiration date or just plain wear out after a while?  I mean, my head understands the who, where and why of most of my negative issues so I should be able to control them but somewhere inside of me those overwhelming feelings still exist and the buggars will erupt in the most unexpected ways and when least anticipated!  Is there a “totally unexpected” old shit suitcase?


"Unwritten" Natasha Bedingfield

I choose....

"Hold On I'm Coming"  Sam & Dave

The Medical System is broken!

I finally made it to Medicare!

Medicare is mine and the government's joint funded health care program that has 4 basic component health insurance parts.  I have paid into Medicare Part A my entire working life through years of my Medicare withholding income taxes and there is no cost to me at this time for that one (it has already been paid for).  There are 3 other parts with out of pocket costs.  They offer higher and more specific health coverage.  Pretty easy concept…. right????   But as typical government red tape, they can confuse the hooey out of even the simplest concepts but throw in a mysterious Managed Medicare “middle man” and insecurity and chaos take over!

All of the sudden there was a massive inundation of unsolicited sales phone calls, mailed advertisements (2 and 3 a day for months), even salespeople knocking at my door (ala fuller brush salesmen) to “help” me make the “right” Medicare choice (theirs of course).  Every major health insurance company and many I never heard of were aggressively pursuing me and my Medicare business. I had to stop and ask myself why?  Some of these were the same companies that canceled my coverage and turned me down because of a preexisting condition.  Chronic advertisement, TV, mail, salesmen’s commissions, and other sophisticated marketing programs are huge business expenses.  They all tell you their service “costs you little or nothing”!   Why are they putting the “full court press” on me (or any 65 yr old) unless there was significant profit to be made over and above these costly marketing expenses?

So…. who is paying for their services?  How do they get paid?  There is no such thing as “something for nothing” and my suspicions kicked in. WHY are these companies pursuing me so aggressively?

Here is what I learned…and it scares me!  These Medicare management companies have negotiated with large healthcare service providers at a significantly reduced price.   Hospitals, doctors, independent testing facilities, outpatient surgical centers, etc. etc.  have agreed to accept lower fees for services.  These healthcare facilities are depending on the increased volume of patients and tests that are submitted through these specific Medicare management providers to make up the financial difference.  It is “wholesale” healthcare! There is a great deal of money to be made from medical testing, necessary or not.  Guess who keeps the difference in the 2 numbers (the payment the testing facility, doctor, etc. etc. has agreed to accept and the amount of money Medicare has agreed to pay)?  The answer is NOT the doctors, not the hospitals, or testing facilities, here is another hint…it is not me or you either.  It is your Medicare management company.   If you are of an age…and all of the sudden your “Managed Medicare Doctor” is recommending many more medical tests and smaller procedures… more than you have ever had.  It is probably not your health and/or welfare that they are concerned about, but now you need to begin paying for their services.   This is how the managed Medicare company is getting paid…at your health expense.

When we ask and complain about the price of healthcare, it is the managed care companies and insurance companies “in the middle” between you and the actual medical diagnosis and health care that are all making a profit from our health issues.  And since medical tests have the least amount of medical-legal “liability” to both medical and managed care companies, they become a financial bonanza and you will be getting a lot more of those.   This is how you pay for your managed Medicare services. Can you believe they are more concerned about your health or is it their profit margins?  The system is broken!

"Doctor My Eyes"  Jackson Browne

And it really does happen…

And it really does happen…it just never sticks! 

There are times that I suspect I understand what it might feel like to be bipolar!  I wish these quotes would also make mention of the fact that this is a great feeling but do not be discouraged when it fades….and it will fade…but it will return… if that is what I want.  

It’s a roller coaster ride.  

It isn’t easy, not always good, but always worth it.  

But then what part of life isn’t?

"More o' That"  Eric Bibb

Norris inspects!

Finally…the new door…Still…. more touchup painting, but for the most part, we have finished! 

What we thought would be a 2-day project took 4 days.  Obviously, we think we are much better, faster, smarter and younger than we are!  But with age comes out and out stubborn tenacity! And as it turns out, that is not always a bad thing! (Ed does not always agree with me on that one but it is who and what I am so I am going with it!)  To actually watch the things you imagined come to fruition is the best drug!  But, there are still "pounds" (not kidding) of sawdust everywhere.  I wipe it up...in a few hours, it settles again!

"It Don't Come Easy" George Harrison

...nothing is a standard size or square

Old, and I do mean old sliding glass doors are being replaced with amazing huge French doors!  Sliders had a very decorative, but highly functional lime green pool noodle as insulation between “the spoiled” kitty door and the sliding door.  That left about a 16” opening for people to get in and out!  We had to turn sideways to squeeze through the door…and god help you if you are carrying something!  

Of course, nothing like rehab construction…it does not matter how long you have lived somewhere there will always be surprises when you tear into an older house.  Like…nothing is a standard size or square.  What we thought might take us a couple of days is now approaching day #4, but we are beginning to see the possible end!  Age and endurance are definitely rearing their ugly heads!

Only another cat owner will understand how much time and expense we are willing to go to so that the kitties can go outside to do their “business”! But to go from 16” door opening to a 48” opening is crazy good!

"Our House"  Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young"

or....maybe just a hint

But wouldn’t it be nice if they came with a “note” that explains what we are supposed to learn up front…or maybe just a hint!  I think everyone is here in my life to accept me, love me, support me and so I get fooled a lot…you would think I would have learned by now.  But nope!  I am still working on it, but I do and always have understood that everyone that comes into my life will have something to teach me….from here on out can it just be really good and fun stuff…please?

"Help" Beatles

The “side effects” list...

All of these meds are a total pain in the ass!  Why don’t we have these or other magnificent side effects, that I am certain Big Pharma is capable of.  Why isn’t wrinkle reduction or spontaneous weight loss ever on the “side effects” list?  I would not be bitching so badly about the cost of drugs if we had some decent side effects!   Just add some amazing side effects and …Woo-hoo… most spectacular drug marketing strategy EVER.  I am waiting!!!!

"White Rabbit"  Jefferson Airplane

“I just haven’t yet!”

I do not write anything here about death and dying until I think I have it somewhat figured out or figured out my own perspective on it.  But about the time I think I’ve got it… something or someone blows through my brain (probably riding a broom) and whacks me up side of the head and says “you know nothing, bitch!”  That happens a whole lot more than you might think.  I am not smarter or more experienced.

I suspect all of these years of writing this blog do nothing more than placate what is left of my insatiable artist’s ego or allow me to think “out loud”.  I have no idea what I am doing, or even how to do it… I just bumble through “doing it” and there is a shit ton of stuff I have not figured out… “I just haven’t yet!” I suspect I never will.

 "I am Light"  Indie Arie

The new mantra has to be Whatever I am…It is enough.

And here is where things are really beginning to suck...Like there has not been enough already!  I am grossly aware of my body staging an out and out revolt, refusing to participate in some of the things, even some of the small things I want it to do.  And I swear, if I did not have Google on my phone, I might not have any memory at all!  I am not the Badass Warrior Queen I thought I was going to be, perfect was never a small part of the equation, but badass fearless was.  This is quite possibly the most difficult part I seem to have no choice and letting go is one of the most difficult things in life we all must do…I am not good at it!  The new mantra has to be Whatever I am…It is enough.

"Music in Me"  Paula Cole

In the words of Roseanne Roseannadana…”Never Mind”!

Or…it just is not a big deal!  I had a minor meltdown.  Heart failure has its share of crap and occasionally new symptoms will arrive, which I would like to mention with significant irritation, are NEVER mentioned in the standard Heart Failure Handbook.   When my body decides to do something really different or unusual it really does get my attention and immediately I go to the “Bad Place” in my head!

So, you can only imagine the dark thoughts I conjured up when I began having uncontrollable tremors in my right hand yesterday! 

AUGHHHHH!  The first instance lasted about a half an hour before it stopped… the second, third and fourth times were much shorter respectively.  When Skip got home, I told him about it…and his first question was….” Were you using your new electric vibrating orbital hand sander today? with your right hand?”   OOOOOOPS!  In the words of Roseanne Roseannadana…”Never Mind”!

"Hammer and Nail"  Indigo Girls

..maybe this is just part of it.

Yea…you have read this before… the absolute worst part of heart failure is the exhaustion, the frustration of not being able to do what I used to do and I am not talking about aerobics!  Just normal life stuff!

 

What I am learning is the only person this truly bothers is me.  They are right…the world goes on.  I am not sure if that is a comfort or not.  I would like to think I am extraordinarily important and life as we all know it will come to a grinding halt if I am not there.  The reality is exactly the opposite.  The world will go on, it has too.

So, if I do not finish until tomorrow or the next day or even the next week, I just need to focus on finishing.  But there are some things I just cannot forget or let go of… there are some deadlines that are still incredibly important to me! …and so the frustration continues, maybe this is just part of it.  Just like a head cold has a runny nose, heart failure is full of arrant frustration.

"You Had Time"  Annie DiFranco

I just want to fall in love with life again, every day!

I need to remember this every day, and I wonder why did not just make myself do it every day in my past!  Ego, stupidity, arrogance may explain some of it.  How could I know these days could be much more frustrating than anything I could have possibly imagined?  All of those times I fussed and fumed, for the most part, just were not that important and the sad reality is that it really did not change a damn thing.

I look back and wonder why.  What was I thinking? 

I just want to fall in love with life again, every day.

       "Every Day"  Dave Matthews

…and it still ain’t right…

"From the Broken Places"
48" x 10"

Still horribly new at this, I am trying so hard to keep my “sculptures” easy and simple…and what I am finding is that the “engineering” sculpture is a whole new animal!  And that animal is NOT in my barn!

This one just seemed like such a clever minimal assemblage of wood, clay, wire, glass, and sticks.  The idea should have been effortless, but getting everything drilled to be centered, stand up and hang straight was as frustrating as hell…and it still ain’t right…but it is in the ballpark….Going to Casselberry City Hall’s “Experience Contemporary” Exhibition.


"Satisfaction"  Rolling Stones

....whatever you do.

Toxic people, crazy-makers, chaos creators….the ones that control through confusion and turmoil.  This felt like a variation on the theme, but I recognized the situations in my own life as soon as I read this.  I do not remember now what hurt worst…whether it was the original unfair misinformation, or that others I cared about and trusted believed it.  But I have to admit, if you can stay disconnected emotionally, or as it was said….stay above it… they will come around and see the truth.  The part that sucks is that it will hurt like hell for a while, whatever you do.

"Wonderwall"  Ryan Adams

Not from my Pain....

What a great way and reason to put sadness and pain to good work!

 

I love the statement ….” from my heart, not my pain”!  And it is so simple to understand and do.  No long-winded psycho-babble explaining the rhyme and the reason. Just the very simple idea…

not from my pain!

"Faith of the Heart"  Rod Stewart

without guilt....

I am beginning to sound so very selfish, but I am learning….I am learning…I do get frustrated that this kind of learning is coming so late in my life…but grateful that I may be finally getting it.  I am no longer required to like/love because of who or what they are, based on the labels that associate them to me.  I have a choice! I read a NY Times article about how divided we are now…that families and friends have stopped talking to one another because of the current attitude of divisiveness.  I was feeling rather guilty and ashamed of myself…but then I remembered that I do have many family and friends that I have serious religious and political differences with…We either have wonderful open sharing discussions about our differences or we do not talk about them at all. It does not affect our relationship, we respect each other.  It is only the ones that do not honor or respect my feelings and continue to disperse negative “my way” “you are wrong” only messages that I have to learn to put aside without guilt.

"A World Without Love"  Peter & Gordon

The "move on" part of the program!

And after all of this time, all of the personal introspection, all of the “come to Jesus” revelations….yea, I still want to be liked and loved by everyone!  How sick is that?  Every time I stand up for me, defend my right to have personal and different opinions there is a voice in the back of my head that is jumping up and down screaming….stop that!.....shhhhh!....people are going to talk….what if you are wrong?.... You are wrong a lot…if you want to be liked you have to be like them…don't make waves…sure you can have a different opinion but just keep it to yourself…Are you beginning to get the picture?  I am a whiny wishy-washy peacemaker when I really want to be a strong opinionated woman! 

And for the record, I do have a “fuck it bucket” at the bottom of this page, but maybe it is time for me to work on the “move on” part of the program

"My Grace is Gone"  Dave Matthews

Doctrine and Dogma not needed!

I do not want to offend—but….

Yesterday was another run-in with a self-professed, holier than thou Christian on Facebook.  It is like Facebook is the place that they can do and be everything their religion preaches against.  I wonder if Facebook has become the  Christian equivalent of making it to “Home Plate” SAFE…Anything can be said or done… SAFE….they are not responsible for upholding any of their religious doctrines… SAFE. 

I received a negative political cartoon, asking me to like and share…a negative post about political figures that I happen to admire and respect. I reacted by asking them to please not post this type of negativity on my page and deleted that post.  (I do that a lot these days) A couple of hours later another sarcastic remark….” so this is your page…?”

Yes, I know you cannot judge everyone that professes Christian values by the bad behavior of the few…but it feels like the “the few” are growing in numbers and their job appears to be browbeating, making fun of, chastising, belittling, and berating others with different opinions in public (or at least on Facebook).  The only explanation I can come up with is, they are showing all of their Christian friends that they are “upholding” the faith with these crude remarks.

It does not change my mind and it does just the opposite for me. 

#1 Unfriend, I do not need the negativity in my life! 

#2 I am even more secure in my own Agnosticism, I neither believe nor disbelieve in a god or religious doctrine. Agnostics assert that it’s impossible at this point in history, for human beings to know all there is about how the universe was created and if divine beings exist. And as a recovering Christian, I am more certain than ever that they truly have no idea what the basic tenets of Christianity are.

#3 I am reminded that we all are allowed to practice our own spiritual beliefs as long as it does not hurt another, and in my world, that means physically and emotionally.  (This is the part that a goodly number of Christians have missed out on…some how they feel it is their duty to point out everyone else’s faults as they are perceived by their religion)

#4 I appreciate my Christian friends that accept me as I am without needing to point out my faults or judging!

I do not need the doctrine or dogma to be a good person. I am who and what I am.

"Imagine" John Lennon

In some ways more exciting....

So, I get this great idea…it starts to percolate in my dreams and I know just what it should look like.  In my waking hours, I take that vision and try to figure out what “materials” might “do” what I want them to do. And so now there is this pile of stuff that has been mashed, fired, sanded and still waiting for painting and assembling.  I am so hoping it will come close to what was in my head …this process is very very different from the 2D work but in some ways,

it is more exciting or maybe it is because I am still so new to this medium!

"Catch the Wind"  Donovan

But sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs….stop it!

I have no idea why I think I need to maintain quasi-family relationships with those I really do not know and have opposing political opinions. When I get frustrated and angry with them… some sideline “do-gooder” pleads, “but they are family”.  Because they are family, I should relinquish all of my feelings and be subjected to their insulting political memes?  I appreciate everyone’s opinion, in fact, I love hearing/reading them even if I do not agree, but reposting asinine memes takes no time, or thought which and is exactly how I feel when I get sent another negative Republican meme.  If it is not worth your time or thought to develop your own opinion, it lets me know right away, it is not worth my time to read, “click like” and “share”!  I have a delete button, and I use it aggressively!  But sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs….stop it!

"No No No" Paolo Nutini

...sober without Sisters...what was I thinking?

Dying is not for sissies!  And I am not talking about the being sick part, the legal part is just as, if not more overwhelming at times than the illness itself.  I guess the good news is once it is done, it is done, unlike the illness. It is another one of those things, filing things like a Power of Attorney and a Quit Claim Deed at the county courthouse make perfect business sense. I understand these are the responsible things to do.  It will protect my assets (such that they are) and make the business of death so much easier for those that will be left with the actual business.  Every book I have read even the Hospice social worker recommended these things be done, they even said I would feel much better knowing my "affairs were in order". Bullshit, not one of them gave me any indication that there would be an unexpected emotional kick in the ass in the process.  The last time I had to do ugly stuff like this I had my sisters and a good bottle of wine.  What in the world made me think I was tough enough to do this on my own, sober without sisters???  And then there was the “Gimp” pass and my ability to drive. I had to go to another Doctor to evaluate and authenticate…by the way…I will still be driving for a little while and short distances anyway.  (Hospice will not sign for these kinds of things…who knew?) This has all come on the heels of a huge Medicare snafu on Friday… and that is a whole other, I want to hit someone, story! 

"Drive My Car"  The Beatles

...and then there is this....again... DAMN

And as quickly as it goes away…it comes again and the ugly continues…

".....with dignity"  Sufjan Steven

A smoking hot body....

Yes…I know how tacky this is…but sometimes ya’ just got to laugh.  After spending the day preparing legal papers to be filed on Monday.  I am just “over” it.  The business of death and dying is full of files and forms and contracts and certificates and downloads and a shit load of other things I don’t even know exist yet, but I am sure I will be smacked up side of the head with a few more….they do not teach this in school!  This is truly “seat of the pants” life experience!  A smoking hot body would sure make me feel better about all of it!

"Strip Me" Natasha Bedingfield

Confessions of an Instant Gratification Junkie...

As an artist, I  proudly strutted my instant gratification.  How many people in this world really have the joy of seeing and experiencing the tangible proof of their labor?   

As an art business owner, it was not just the instant gratification of creating, it was a necessity if you want to get paid! I was doing what I loved, seeing it come to fruition, having others admire it AND getting paid for it!  How amazing is that?  However, as a mother, wife, and homeowner, it was a different story. I tried but it was hard, every time I cleaned, folded, vacuumed, scrubbed, cooked, mowed, pulled weeds, took out the garbage etc., etc. it was undone by the end of the week (or the day), no one admired (they expected and never said thank you) and I did not get paid either! …So, I focused on my art and business…I liked the instant gratification and it was so much more lucrative and personally rewarding. It is where my own damaged ability to have a sense of value and self-worth was finally born.

I bring all of these beliefs to my current compromised life which is not exactly what I had planned on. I am at home 24/7 with all of the same mother, wife, homeowner chores that have to be done week after week but one big change, no more little people to immediately undo all I have done. But I still crave the tangible accomplishments from my old life. I have and overwhelming need to hang on to my self-worth and that amazing instant gratification junkie high is how I did it all of this time!  I think this may be one huge component of my current “energy management”/"self-worth"  frustration.  

This body no longer allows me to set schedules or finish “my projects” (art, home, yard) in a manner that I get my instant gratification…in fact it robs me of any joy of my achievements.   I end up berating myself for having such simple little things take me such a friggen’ long time all while I am advised by hospice and family to slow down, I am doing too much!  I feel like I rarely finish anything in a reasonable amount of time, how the hell do I slow down from that without literally sitting down and doing nothing?  I rattle off to Skip (and myself) every evening when he gets home, the list of everything I did that day trying to convince him... and me... that I still have value. 

This overwhelming struggle I am having with “energy management” I now suspect is irrefutably connected to my instant gratification junkie addiction!  If you are waiting for my big ah-ha moment…here it is…I have a horrible instant gratification addiction...and I like it!   After all of this time and overwhelming frustration with my personal energy management I am just now beginning to identify some of the problem..But, I have absolutely no idea what the answer will be!     

"I'm Here, I'm Not Here"  Julia Stone