"Protect whatever is left within..."

I have been accused all through my life of “not letting people in”.  I am not sure I really ever understood what that meant.  But I do understand this quote…  

I know and understand that there are family members, friends, doctors, and religion that I cannot afford to risk losing myself to.   And as I just proofread that sentence back to myself, I realize how silly it must sound to most of you.  It would have sounded silly to me several years ago, too!  Several years ago, when I felt so strong, I would let toxic people close to me but I was strong enough to firmly establish my wall.  My emotional defense wall is failing to protect me now.  I am finding weak spots and cracks in my walls and that scares me.  

Many have advised me to drop my walls, to be vulnerable, ask for help and be open.  I do, in my way, expose myself, by writing behind a “digital curtain” and paperback book covers.   But anything more...means risking my ability to hold on to me…to who I am...to letting others in.  Others have no idea how difficult this is!  Not even those professionals that write the “self-help” books! They are psychologists, medical people, loved ones, that want to help....or sell books,  but not one of them really knows what this feels like.  They can only guess, they are not the ones dying!  We, the ones that are knowingly dying, none of us know how to articulate this!  I was never taught that death was an option, although we all know it is, we just will not talk about it!  I know, I know... I could be making a huge mistake. 

I do not want to feel needy and weak and right now more than ever I have to be me, be strong, I have to “protect whatever is left within”.

"You've Got to Hide Your Love Away"  The Beatles