Where the hell is my fairy godmother?

I am sick of reality!  All I really want to do is not pay attention to what my heart is or is not doing. I am convinced that it will do what it will do, and fretting and focusing on what is going on in there only wastes my energy and steals my time. But tomorrow I will have to pay attention and focus on what they tell me, tomorrow I find out what is going on in there and what we are going to do….or not do...and I am scared.  The less I think about it, the better, healthier, and happier I am. But tomorrow for just a little while I have to look reality right in the face and deal with it.  Where the hell is my fairy godmother?



One test result down….2 more to go!

The worst part about taking tests, I have discovered is not taking the test, but waiting for the results. The Logic mid-term came back, 91/100 and I’ll take it and dance in the streets. Latin American history mid-term is still being graded and I just got a call from the HF Clinic for an appointment in 2 weeks to go over the latest heart stuff.  

The only test I did not have to study for is the one I will have to wait the longest to hear about. I used to file that under the “no news is good news” but in the medical world I have learned the hard way that ain’t necessarily so. In the meantime, I wait.  

All that being said, I had a new kind of angiogram. They slowed my heart down to 45-50 beats per minute and then are able to shoot contrast die into an IV and run me through a CT scan. Whew….that is soooooooo much better than the heart catheter. I will happily wait for those results…if it means I do not have to have that catheter run up a groin artery and lying still for hours!   

One test result down….2 more to go!

The treasure of living life beyond the expected...

Halloween with all of the ghosts, goblins and candy has come and gone and every year I swear that I go be bed with pumpkins and wake up to Christmas trees. These next few weeks fly by, and there is never enough time!

After a week of mid-term exams and hospital tests, we ran away to St. Augustine with our children and grandchildren to play. It was a wonderful weekend, even though hurricane Sandy kept the Pirate ship in port and that entry on my bucket list will have to wait for another time. The ghost hunt and putt-putt golf was not effected by weather and was very fun.

Sometimes the kids are willing to follow my lead, sometimes not. However, the decision to stay at the Casa Yallaha hostel house was fantastic. After years of art shows and staying in hotel rooms that can best be described as monotonous, sterile boxes carved into the side of long undistinguishable hallways, the hostel is a breath of fresh air. No TV’s but oodles of interesting people from all over the world with fascinating conversation, better than any TV program could ever be! I think my socially hygienic sons are beginning to see the treasure of living life beyond the expected.

Sweet-Sweet Good Days!

Whew!  I was way over due for a good day and got a spectacular one today!  A delightful meeting with an art center about teaching! 

Delivered an original piece to its’ new owner.

Delivered I hi-res scan of the Great White Heron that is going to be used for the Leesburg Art Festival poster in March 2013.

Oh how nice to be coming out of that nasty funk!  I understand the ugly days are a necessary part of life.  How would we recognize the good days, if we did not have the bad ones?  Those nasty, ugly, bad days sure do make the good days sweet!

Head vs. Heart

I am just now learning how to “step outside of myself” to look at life and situations from a different, less emotional perspective. When handling difficult circumstances or making important decisions it is the most valuable emotional “ tool” in my box. Working from a strict “head” position has some serious advantages!

It is interesting that in today’s world so much of the media, marketing, medical and political industry are counting on me working strictly from my heart and fear. Fear (heart) is how we are controlled, thinking and common sense (head) is how we stop this.

In a recent medical situation, when I stepped beyond my emotions, and pragmatically looked at what was being done and why, it was grossly evident that these actions were not about my health needs but the desires of the financial and legal liability of others.

Using my head allowed me to take my power back, to listen, to hear and to make an intelligent decision without struggling with my fear and emotions. However, regardless of how much control I have of a situation, I often feel my heart creeping in to complicate the issue.

My heart, my emotions are mine, they are personal, they give me the ability to love, they give me the power to create, they define who I am. I cannot allow them to be used against me, so I will not behave in ways that others feel are appropriate or for their personal or financial gain. Allowing others into my heart gives them power over my head.   It is a war.

Loosing Ground

I had to stop, re-group and remember this one, because I am angry and I want desperately to “throw dirt” at the medical industry.  

It is more business and less care. Fashioned after a corporate manufacturing business that produces immediate results, efficiency and profits, they have forgotten at its roots it should be about people. In emergency health situations, immediate results are easy to identify but in long-term chronic illnesses, they are truly in need of work.  

The medical industry plugs every health situation into a standard rubric to come up with the logical (you will be cured) conclusion. They have not figured out that chronic illness and our lives already have a “standard” conclusion, but it will not fit into the, “you will be cured” rubric. Trying to mash me into that rubric makes me (and the medical industry) feel like a failure. 

Nobody wins! 

It does not have to be like this! 

It should not be like this!


i am just pooped...

Pity party ALERT

There are days that this is really really hard. More than the physical issues, the emotional part of this makes it so grueling. There are days it just does not seem worth the struggle. Some days my heart hurts, but my head keeps me together. Other days my head is exhausted but I am so grateful that my wonderful heart is still working, and then there are days like today, when my head and my heart crap out at the same time. It is overwhelming and I begin to wonder why I am doing this. I am very tired. I know I should be grateful, but have to wonder when this will all be over? I am so ready for it to be done. I am just pooped…

saving my heart...



AMA again....

A day at the hospital was absolutely horrible.  I have been poked, prodded and pushed and the only answer was... that they wanted me to stay for a day or 2 longer in the cardiac unit, so they can do more. I cannot do more! Why can’t they understand, I cannot do more emotionally!  I cannot do more financially!  I cannot do hospitals.  I do not want to be sick, I do not want be around sick people and places.  I do not need molecular, enzymatic, nuclear electrical answers, to everything?  Just make this stop. I cannot stay in a hospital while they just look around and do test after test to tell me what I already know. I have another hospital black mark on my name and I have checked out AMA again. Why won't they understand?  Why don't they understand? 
Never again...
Never again!

The Razor's Edge

Sometimes, I think too hard.
Should I damn the torpedoes (or the feelings of others) just make myself happy with all the art and passion, I can get, while I can?

Should I “not rock the boat” maintain the status quo, be the good girl, make everyone else happy?

Should I aspire to the higher good, leave a lasting mark on the world?

Every day I wake up with a different focus and a limited amount of time.  I should be able to choose and focus on at least one of the above, but cannot settle on one or the other.
Is there some way I can do it all? 
Is this the razor's edge I am trying to avoid by NOT chosing?

Time

You can always tell when school has started; my time is stretched to its limit. Creating art and writing are the first activities to take a hit! And I am feeling it! 

Time is inexplicable, there is always too much or too little.  

My one-woman exhibit came down today, and it was bitter sweet. I cannot begin to explain how wonderful it has been and as it turns out it has been magnificently lucrative, too. I was pushed physically and creatively and although I got very close to my breaking point, I did not! I rushed so to get the art finished and framed , I dashed back and forth to Leesburg to the events, but looking back I wish I had taken more time to just stand back, look at what I had accomplished and truly enjoy it.  



Time to figure out what I need to do next.  But this time I want to pay more attention to the "doing" and less concern about the time!

Gifts

Some gifts come in boxes covered in pretty paper and tied in ribbon. They are fun and easily recognized but the gifts that life delivers are not always so easy to identify. Sometimes gifts are life lessons that come packaged in fear, heartache and hurt. But they are gifts nonetheless. I have to wade through the grief, before these situations reveal their rewards and point out what is important, where my power is, how to be strong, what to let go of, what to hang on to and how to move through difficult situations with strength and grace.

I am beginning to recognize all of the gifts and lessons I am receiving and I am learning to accept what comes next with dignity, strength and grace. I still have a long, long way to go.

Bitch… Moan… Whine…

Monday has lapped right on into Tuesday!   Not that Tuesday was anything special.  Tuesday’s only real claim to fame is that it is not Monday. 

The “logic” class I am taking is anything but logical.  After struggling for days with the beginning semantics I find that a big part of my problem is that in logic “valid” does NOT mean true, or factual or any other word I thought all of my life it meant.  Perhaps it does mean those things in regular life but NOT in logic.  Is that logical?

City advisory board meeting tonight, nuff said!

Heart Failure Clinic appointment at the butt crack of dawn in the morning....and again, could we please call this office something-anything else?  Hate the place, hate going, intensely dislike everything about it.  It is always an embarrassing, humiliating, frustrating, horrible experience.  YIKES!   Hate-Hate-Hate it. 

I know I should be grateful for all of my wonderful gifts, and I want to,  but sometimes I just need to be gross, ugly, outrageously offensive and just let it rip!  Bitch....Moan...Whine.....

Wonky and a Cheeseburger

I really needed this reminder today! 

Been dragging my ass because things have changed and I am not able to live up to the expectations I have for what a normal should be or look like. 

Sometimes I get so caught up in the appearance of normal and perfection that I cannot see at all. 

There are some days that I am physically exhausted for no reason, and most times that can be fixed with a short rest,  but the worst days are the ones I am emotionally exhausted,

there is nothing that can fix that,

except a little wonky

and a cheeseburger!

As it Turns Out

As it turns out….What they say I can do, and what I am actually able to do are wonderfully different!  I do not exactly understand where the energy comes from but I gladly receive every ounce of it and have learned to squeeze the most out of every moment.  This has truly been one of the best summers of my life, and I am so very very grateful!

No Expectations

One of my mantras in life is no expectations.  

I have found my past expectations of people and/or situations have typically created the most unhappiness in my life. If I approach life without expectations, then every situation/person offers the opportunity to authentically experience reality, good or bad. No expectations mean I am open to all of the marvelous opportunities and possibilities.   

All of this being said, I find that expectations creep into my life anyway. When my preconceived expectations, intentional or not, bump into reality, it is almost always followed by pain.

Expectations have done it again.

hOLy cRAp.....another one!

Holy Crap!!!! Another article...Woo-Hoo...Who says you cannot go back home?
I'll be back home with bells on for the Sept. 8th "Meet the Artist"!

 

 

Lessons, lessons, and more lessons!

 It seems very appropriate that as my summer winds down and another semester begins (whew) that I am more aware of lessons and how they come into my life and what they teach me.  I have had a boatload of lessons recently, some good, some bad, but one specifically reminded me how important it is to take care of my own heart. “Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.”-Buz Luhrmann 
I am blessed with so many wonderful people in my life!

The Price

The last couple of weeks have been like a dream come true, and the most exciting part of all of it is that I did it!  Two openings in two weeks, one as one-woman show and the other the Artist’s Way Group exhibition. Each of them had their own set of incredible but different challenges.

I have facilitated, created, framed, delivered, planned, installed, marketed, danced, ate, and drank. I have given 100% of my body and soul; it is all I know how to do when it comes to the art. It was my first step back into the life I once had. However, reality has also spoken up and rudely reminded me that it has come at a physical price.  

A price that I have willingly paid, and would happily pay again it the opportunity comes, because this is my life, it is what I do, it is what gives my life meaning.

Now the choice is mine.

All of the pushing, the fretting, and the carrying back and forth is over and I could not have asked for more perfect!  The Artist’s Way Celebration of Creativity was awesome, well attended, everyone had fun and the artwork is fantastic!  I can say the very same thing about Pairings in Leesburg, one week later, but this one was all my work!

There were times, especially last week, that I was not certain I would make it.  But I did.  I have been reminded what my life used to look like, I have been given the opportunity to show the world and me what I can do. 

Now the choice is mine...

Pairings set up

Do NOT crap out on me now!

Body has stepped up and announced loudly “ENOUGH BITCH”.   So…. that there is absolutely no misunderstanding …. this is NOT what I wanted and it is NOT so much better!What I have accomplished in the past few weeks is phenomenal, what it has done to me sucks!
Please-Please incredible wonderful, beautiful strong  heart do not crap out on me now!

Load-Unload-Repack-Load

In a few more hours unload again! It will be the last of the unloads to set up an exhibition, there are still 2 opportunities to take down these exhibits, that carry their own set of load and unload issues!

 Officially, I am half way through! And this is the BIG one coming up. If last week’s installation and opening reception are the harbinger of what is to come then it is going to be a fantastic week. However, as an artist my natural tendency is to zip right to the bad place…and that ugly voice in my head is running amuck….If last week went so well, surely the big “screw up” is right around the corner. The law of averages is not on my side. I am due for a big fall!  

When will I ever learn to relax, enjoy and revel in the NOW, rather than dipping into the future to borrow problems!  

Now….on to the next unload!

Breaking Down Creative Blocks

The Best Time to Celebrate

Every day I can create.

Every day I can laugh.

Every day I can love.

Every day is the best time to celebrate. 

Every day…..

Every day….

Every day….

2012 Artist Way Group Celebration of Creativity Day!  I am so blessed to have been in the company of all these magnificent creatives, that in itself is certainly reason to celebrate!

Shine My Life Like Light

For such a long time, I felt like I had no more to contribute.  Not creating, inspiring, nurturing was about as close to death and dying as I could ever be.  I believed what everyone else said, freely giving my power and trust to doctors and medicines. I trusted them and turned my back on my own miraculous power!
I have pushed harder and created more than I ever thought possible!

These past few weeks and the week to come are my announcement to the universe that I am. 
I am strong. 
I am a creative. 
I have so much more to give! 
I trust me and the universe,  and when I give everything I am,  the universe will give me what I need to keep going.
Let it be me…Let it be me!

Stacked and Staged

It has been so long since I have seen my work stacked and staged ready to go out for an installation and exhibition.  I forgot how overwhelmingly marvelous it feels to see all of these images  that came out of me in one place, and more grateful than words can express that they did.  

Everything Happens for a Reason....

When an unexpected door opens, I want to walk through it and explore all of the experiences it has to offer.  I am learning that  my life should be all about taking every opportunity that comes my way and trust (without judgment or expectation) that the Universe knows what I need!

All I have to do is screw up my courage, trust the Universe, do the work and laugh and laugh and laugh!

We're Up! Whew.....

2012 Artist's Way Celebration of Creativity.....Installation Day from Cheryl Evans on Vimeo.

And....it begins!

Today begins 2 of the most exciting and possibly exhausting weeks I have had with my art since…. 


Tonight we install the 2012 Artist’s Way Group (the group I facilitate) exhibition “Breaking Down Creative Blocks”. Each of the creatives, in addition to their own work, had the assignment to paint, sculpt, or “whatever “an 8” x 8” x 8” cube that will be suspended on a 20” x 20” black background. What I have seen of them so far is AMAZING! I cannot wait to see them all hung together! The opening reception for this exhibit is appropriately called a Celebration of Creativity (this Saturday 8-4) because we want it to be anything BUT another stuffy art exhibition. Artist’s Way openings have always been more than just another art opening but truly a celebration of our art and our time together as creatives!

Do the Walls Come Down?

Ah…today they do.

It is one of those crappy heart days and my feet look as if they belong to an elephant. But I could not stop. When a piece tells me, it is coming…. I can do nothing but let it flow through me and so it did!

What a wonderful feeling, to lose track of time and space while images pass through me and out of my hands. I have no idea where they come from or how they move from a feeling in my heart, a thought in my head to an image on the paper, but how blessed I am to have the experience. There is nothing, not a lousy heart day, swollen feet or anything else that can stand in the way! Alleluia-Alleluia!

Do the Walls Come Down? 
http://www.artistwayworks.com/Red%20Curtains.html

A Creative!

Creativity represents a miraculous coming together of the uninhibited energy of the child with its apparent opposite and enemy, the sense of order imposed on the disciplined adult intelligence. ~Norman Podhoretz

 Thank goodness the for the uninhibited energy of a child!

 It heals, invents, imagines, builds, sings, dances, plays, and loves!

I cannot imagine that I could possibly want to be anything else but…..

A creative!

Still have time to be....

I find myself rushing, worrying, grieving, and needing to have the next few weeks be perfect because I am afraid this will be my last chance to do these kinds of things.  

I need to relax, enjoy, and celebrate the process…

instead of suffering the end product.

I still have time to be everything I want to be.

Better than all of the other possibilities...

A creative life is full of fear, frustration, self-sabotage, procrastination, panic, and anxiety. But, it’s breathtaking flip side is a life full of inventing, experimenting, growing, taking risks, breaking rules, making mistakes, and having fun.

A creative experiences living from a unique point of view that provokes passion for life and art in everyone around them.

Even when it is really really really hard, it is better than all of the other possibilities.

"Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth."

"Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth." Pablo Picasso

Even when I do not want me or anyone else to see the truth of my own emotions, my art will betray me. The art is my Gladys Kravitz, prowling through my head and exposing all of my secrets to the world.

When choosing an image, my intention is not to reveal anything of myself; my only desire is to entertain with a pretty picture. However, as I move through that image it begins revealing me to me, and I know that eventually it is going to disclose these personal raw emotions to everyone.

Three weeks before the heart attack, a piece of abstract work came through me, it was so different from anything I had ever done.  Although it made no sense at the time, there it was telling me what was happening to my heart.
 
Sometimes my truth is evident, sometimes not, but the truth is always there right in front of me.

Confidence and Courage

Please give me more…
and if I cannot get more confidence and courage, can I please just have the audacity to fake it!  

For the next few weeks, I need the confidence and courage to move way outside my comfort zone. I do not want to slip back into the secure areas just because they feel good. I want to push well past the boundaries, all of the restrictions that limit me. I need to walk on the edge to prove to myself and everyone else that I can do it.  

So, even if I do not recover the confidence and courage that would make this easier, I know that I can pull this off with plain conviction, hard work and pain. Some of my most incredible accomplishments were born from this, not always confidence and courage.

It's Alright to Cry...

So much going on right now! Creating, framing, organizing, IRS and scholarship applications, teaching, house repairs and on and on and on. I used to be able to handle this (and more) without missing a step or breaking a sweat. It just flowed. Now I find every little piece of this life is a struggle, nothing coming easy!

My heart and body conspire to rebel at every inappropriate opportunity without consulting with me and certainly without my permission!

My ability to balance what I want to do and what this body is capable of doing is still exasperating. Each day is different, some days this body seems to be perfectly willing to allow me to accomplish anything and everything I want it to do, and then without warning, another day will arrive and it protests every move I make. There is no detectable rhyme or reason for which day will be good and which day will be bad. No way to predict and work around it, there are days there is nothing I can do but cry, then get back up and keep moving.

Wrestling with Grey

This one just did not want to arrive.  It was a struggle, not just artistically but I wrestled with it emotionally.  Color would go in then literally melt and disappear into the image. I have no explanation for that...It was very strange!

It maybe saying much more about me than I am ready to look at right now.

But then I heard this music and I just knew it was time to stop.  I knew that this is just the way it was supposed to be.  One lesson I have had a hard time learning is when to stop drawing, when to stop trying to make something right, when it is time to step back  and "let it be" before I over work it and ruin it.

and so this time I did....I just stopped.
Link to larger image and lyrics

Self-Sabotage

I have rediscovered one of my excellent talents that I thought I had long since walked away from,
self-sabotage.

It is my ability to seek out and find people, situations, and in general anything that will keep me from doing the work I love, that I am good at and that I am meant to do.

The question of how this has reemerged in my life is nowhere near as important as the why. The how is easy, it always is. The why I deliberately damage my ability to create art and myself is hard.  

This time, I recognized my ugly behavior before it consumed me. Is it enough to recognize self-sabotage to stop it or do I need to understand why I do it?

Maybe, there is no lesson...

People and events arrive in my life to teach. Sometimes I recognize the lessons right away, other times they are just not that obvious. Two have reemerged from my past, one’s lesson was immediate, the other, I still do not know.

I am beginning to wonder if the lesson is there, or am I too emotionally involved to see it.

Maybe things happen for no other reason than to enjoy life, enjoy the relationship and quit looking for a lesson.

Maybe I need to be patient and trust the lesson will reveal itself when the time is right.

Maybe, there is no lesson.

Monumental Choice

I know I need to move forward.  I know that staying in the same comfortable space is not living it is merely existing.  When I made that monumental choice to live with this disease rather than exist with it, I really had no idea that it would be the beginning of so many new decisions, new lessons, and new friends.   I am fairly certain that I will continue to make bad decisions, miss the lessons I should learn,  and connect with old friends too.  I am glad I made that monumental choice!

Celebrating Creativity

It has been, so far an incredible summer bringing far more into my life than I could have ever imagined!  Artist's Way and the new creatives have been a marvelous blessing!  I cannot wait to see what they are doing with thier "creative blocks"  I am certain I will be blown away!

Entering Every Experience

I realized some time ago that nothing was going to happen unless I was willing to put myself out there, while I have no idea what it is I want to happen.   How do I balance living in the now but continue to plan and create a tomorrow.   Getting back into making and showing art brings deadlines and judgments back into my life.  Letting new people into my life opens up a the possibility of emotional  disaster.  All of this is terrifying!

I have fully participated in every gift the Universe has presented, and although scared to death, am embracing and gratefully entering every experience one day at a time.

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

How did we get to this century with ignorant chauvinistic men still functioning? Their bad behavior is alive and well and rude. In a day and age when there are so many wonderful good men that have embraced women with functioning brains, unfortunately there are still, the bad and ugly (spirited) that are still thriving and getting away with it! 

The only choice I have is how much of my energy will I allow the bad and the ugly to consume?

Impromptu Art

I had an interesting and very fun session this morning  in the studio with a bottle of blue paint that I knocked off the shelf.  Plan A.... was to get out of my sweaty gym clothes in the laundry room (on the other side of the studio) where they could be immediately washed then sprint directly to the shower.  In theory, the plan was flawless until I wiped out a bottle of blue acrylic paint as I streaked through the studio.  Unfortunately, (or perhaps fortunately in this case), you cannot get paint back in the bottle once it is out.  Having just finished a good walk I had admired how wonderfully strong my awesome heart has been recently, so it seemed appropriate to use the spilled paint on me, and so I painted a big “S” for Super Woman - Super heart on my chest.  Of course that meant deliberately breaking into some red and yellow paint,too, but it just had to be done!  I have a kick-butt awesome strong heart! Now if I could only find a cape!  (and NO I cannot post the picture here!)

So scary!

I have gotten a serious lesson about “putting it out there”.  The first time this past week, after I had put it out there, I had second thoughts, fear and doubt about how much of myself I was allowing strangers to see.  But before I could make changes I was considering, it was released.  I felt like I was standing naked in front of a host of unknowns, at my most vulnerable.  The wonderful thing is that I have gotten nothing but nice comments one piece has already sold a month before the show opens and literally a ba-zillion or at least my 2 gig bandwith transfer, the point where site goes down.   Holy Crap!
So I have screwed up my courage and put my true, OMG feelings out there again, without a clue about how they will be received.  This is so scary.

Got any idea how awesome this is?

Got any idea how awesome this is?

Tickets for "Pairings" went on sale today!  My first solo exhibition since….well  you know.  So many ugly days passed when  thought I was never going to be able have my art and my life back, but here it is!  Here it is!  Here it is!  Keep pushing-Keep pushing, I can never give up who I am and why I am here, ever again!

I get knocked down but I get up again, and I am dancing!

Marvelous Rhythm!

Life has a rhythm, and sometimes I need to pay more attention!  I let a dear artist friend slip out of my life several years ago.  Our paths seem to separate when his entire collection of art, more than 10 years of work was purchased by a major museum and his career took off on a course most artists can only dream about.  While I was still dragging my art and a tent all over the southeast, selling one piece at a time, he and his work were sky rocketing.   We lost touch and all of those wonderful conversations and shared experiences about art, creating and (augh….) art marketing slipped away. 

I did not realize how much I missed those brilliant exchanges. 

Then today, like no time had passed, our lives, art and awesome conversations began again, just like we had talked to each other last week.   We are both back in the studio, approaching the art from a new perspective, and learning how to say “no” to other people’s expectations of what art should or should not be. 

Marvelous rhythm!

find some way to break the rules...

“Whatever you choose, however many roads you travel, I hope that you choose not to be a lady.  I hope you will find some way to break the rules and make a little trouble out there.  And I also hope that you will choose to make some of that trouble on behalf of women.”    –Nora Ephron

I let fear and disgusting amount of “proper-ness” slip into my life.  It has taken the death of a phenomenal female writer/director to remind me that neither my life nor my work will be better served by following other people’s ideas.   This revelation is just in time, as I am getting ready to do some serious editing to my next exhibition.  

Mediocrity serves others, but never serves me or my work.

Debby, it is time for you to move on...

4 days of rain...
OK-OK
That is enough!
Please stop it!

Lots of Balls in the Air….

Whew…can I keep them all up?

Artist Way Group in full swing, and beginning to get the group exhibition A.K.A.  Celebration of Creativity off the ground.  Boxes of boxes delivered!  Black Foam Board on the way and a mess of creatives chomping at the bit!  Still lots and lots to do! 

LCA Music and Art Pairings exhibit is moving slower.   Some of it my fault, other issues from the frame supply wholesaler, what a disaster. Catalog just about ready for the printer.  Tons of framing still to do not to mention packing to ship.   I can see some last minute all-nighters in my future. And I still do not have a firm installation date, YIKES!

Feeling good about stepping back up into a full schedule, but will confess it is much much more physically difficult than I had planned.

The real trick is going to be..... keeping all of these balls in the air!

This one was just too good!

Because she chooses…

If you stacked my good choices against my bad choices, the bad choices would surely tower over the good ones!  My life has been ever so much more exciting because I have made so many “bad” choices!  Those bad choices, hold the best memories and the greatest lessons of my fantastic life!

I do not regret any of my choices!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Should have this one tattooed to my fore head! 
Living from emotions and heart, not always a good idea. 
I just do not know how to do it any other way, and I am not sure I would if I could.  
The unbridled giggleing  is worth the hurt.

Revealing my Feelings….

This is harder than it seems, some days I am better at it than others.  It is not just the difficulty of discovering and then revealing feelings, but how and who to reveal them to.

A very few have the strength to listen, most are afraid and none will understand what this truly feels like until they have been here.  And I would not wish this on anyone. 

Revealing my feelings means risking relationships. 

Celebrating!

Celebrating a friend’s good news,  celebrating a perfectly beautiful day.  Celebrating how incredibly fortunate I am to have so many wonderful people in my life.  I spend so much time and energy trying to forget, and then one quick fleeting event opens that ugly door and reality floods in and it is overwhelming.   It is horribly overwhelming, and I forget to celebrate all that I have. 
   Not celebrating years, celebrating days,  every day, every day, every day!

thought Monday would never end....

It went on and on and on and every hour that passed brought on new sets of problems.  I felt like I was stomping out fires the whole day.  It was one of those days that there was NO forward movement, all energy expended did nothing but MAINTAN or repair existing….Makes me think just how much of this  is worth spending my time, money and energy on.

It's a Fat Feet Day

Fat feet do not hurt, although they feel really weird.
Fat feet do not hurt, but they look incredibly disgusting.
Fat feet do not hurt, but it is a crappy reminder that my heart is struggling.
Fat feet do not hurt!

The Life that is Waiting...

I have always held hard and firm to this kind of creative free thinking, but am finding if more and more difficult to walk away from the old familiar life and plans. 

When life is running smoothly “letting go of the life I had planned” was a very easy and seductive statement.  But when it turned upside down,  I found myself running straight for all of those unreliable things that I had already stepped away from. Security, acceptance, and approval …….from everyone, but myself.

In rare spurts of clarity I recover small pieces of the past me but it is coming so uncomfortably slow and in weak moments that  find myself gravitating back  towards depending on others  for my security, acceptance and approval.

I know that I must be willing to get rid of my old life to move forward, but I want, NO I need, to hold on to some of my old life.  The woman that was invincible against all odds.  The woman that was physically strong, the woman that was emotionally formidable, not caring what others thought.  She had total control of who and what she let into her heart. 

Or given the current situation, I have to wonder is this what broke my heart?

I wonder if I should be heading back to the hard impenetrable emotions of my past life, or continue to leave myself vulnerable,  stripped and wide open for pain,  doubt and uncertainty to walk in.

 What kind of life is waiting for me?

little girls cry, big girls say....

And I seem to be caught between the two….
I want to scream fuck…. just as soon as I finish crying.  All of the control I thought I had over my own life and emotions  have been seriously tested and I find myself in a ridiculous struggle with me.  This is not what I had planned and certainly not what I expected.

Damn!

I will not live in fear anymore!

I want a whole life.
not this stunted partial version of a life.
I will not live in fear anymore!

I am going to seize my days as fully as this heart and body permit,
I want passionate living to open me fully
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to open my heart until I become completely uninhibited,
free of doubt and worry.
I will not live in fear anymore.

I choose to risk my significance;
for a chance to experience a whole life,
full of unbridled strength, love and happiness.

I will not live in fear anymore!

Pay No Attention to the Woman Behind the Curtain

The other night among creative friends, we played an interesting card game.  It was more than a game and I have heard people talk about these kinds of cards, but never really felt compelled to participate in that kind of “tarot” like fortune telling.  As we went around the circle drawing cards and then reading and discussing the interpretation, I was absolutely astounded in how accurate the cards and the explanations seemed to be.

It was my turn, and I drew a right side up wolf.   The interpretation was a teacher, a teacher?  I thought that was interesting, but not so sure it was correct.  The truth is I do something that looks like teaching, but I never saw it as that.  For the most part I use Julia Cameron’s description of what I do, “facilitator”.  Facilitator made so much more sense.  I cannot teach anyone how to be creative, they already know .  I gently and safely facilitate their journey to the path of their own creativity and happiness.  I only help them see what is already there.  For the most part I feel like once a year we all go on a journey to the Wizard of OZ, where at the end Dorothy finds out all she had to do was click her heels and speak out loud what she wanted.  The power was within her all along.

Throughout the summer, new creatives will often compliment and thank me for what I do. Although I truly appreciate the accolades, my first reaction is like the exposed wizard in the movie hiding behind the curtain.  We are both desperately manipulating levers, and buttons frantically searching for the magic combination that will produce a big “ta-da” moment in life,  while sternly announcing,  “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain”.

The wolf card says I am a teacher…
Julia Cameron calls it a facilitator;
I  just call it a creative.
I have the same fears and am just as scared as everyone else in class.  The only difference is I expose my fear and failures so others will see the grief and the joy of being an artist.  When I fail, when I succeed, it will give others the courage to do the same,
I just do it out loud.

Teacher?

Facilitator?

Pay no attention to the woman-teacher-facilitaror behind the curtain!
But watch the creative!

As the creative is carefully watching for her own teachers, past and present that will take her to that place in the world where  she is suppose to be.

Sunset and a Blue Moon...

Every once in a blue moon
the most phenomenal things can happen!

VoG Women Celebrations

It is seldom the big events of life that stick with me, but the small miracles and little celebrations that prove to be my life’s defining moments.

We have all walked together the past few years passing through unspeakable tragedies and remarkable successes.  Last night was like coming home to welcoming arms! 

Recently our friend had to move from her home she had loved and lived in for 17 years.  While she was there, she had shared the ownership with a special few, when she invited  us to come paint her fence and celebrate the creation of a new garden.   She is warm, loving, talented, supportive, honest, open, vulnerable and strong all wrapped up in a singular spectacular package.

She had to give up her little home and magnificent garden to make major life course corrections, and moved  into a small apartment,  bestowing  on those that loved her,  all of the treasures of that wonderful little garden that she could not take with her to the small gardenless apartment.  Her, bells, candles, plants, and precious ceramics all found new homes in each of our separate gardens and the memory of that special night that we painted her fence stayed alive in our hearts and imaginations.

It seemed so right that all of those garden gifts she shared with each of us return home to her as she begins this new part of her life in her brand new home with a brand new garden.   

And, so they did.   

I am reminded how lucky I am to have these extraordinary women to laugh with, grieve with, cry and celebrate life with.

Welcome home Elle, welcome home!

Outside the gates...

Do not tell me…

what I cannot do... This heart, this body is well suited for telling me what I can and cannot do and right now it is telling me to push harder than I (my family, my friends and the doctors) ever thought possible. It is telling me to live now, live every moment to its fullest and embrace every incredible miracle! My physical heart may have some limitations but my emotional heart and my life are limitless. I will not lie down and quit, I will not waste my life regretting what I did not do! Do not tell me what I cannot do….not now!

One

Life....