without guilt....

I am beginning to sound so very selfish, but I am learning….I am learning…I do get frustrated that this kind of learning is coming so late in my life…but grateful that I may be finally getting it.  I am no longer required to like/love because of who or what they are, based on the labels that associate them to me.  I have a choice! I read a NY Times article about how divided we are now…that families and friends have stopped talking to one another because of the current attitude of divisiveness.  I was feeling rather guilty and ashamed of myself…but then I remembered that I do have many family and friends that I have serious religious and political differences with…We either have wonderful open sharing discussions about our differences or we do not talk about them at all. It does not affect our relationship, we respect each other.  It is only the ones that do not honor or respect my feelings and continue to disperse negative “my way” “you are wrong” only messages that I have to learn to put aside without guilt.

"A World Without Love"  Peter & Gordon

The "move on" part of the program!

And after all of this time, all of the personal introspection, all of the “come to Jesus” revelations….yea, I still want to be liked and loved by everyone!  How sick is that?  Every time I stand up for me, defend my right to have personal and different opinions there is a voice in the back of my head that is jumping up and down screaming….stop that!.....shhhhh!....people are going to talk….what if you are wrong?.... You are wrong a lot…if you want to be liked you have to be like them…don't make waves…sure you can have a different opinion but just keep it to yourself…Are you beginning to get the picture?  I am a whiny wishy-washy peacemaker when I really want to be a strong opinionated woman! 

And for the record, I do have a “fuck it bucket” at the bottom of this page, but maybe it is time for me to work on the “move on” part of the program

"My Grace is Gone"  Dave Matthews

Doctrine and Dogma not needed!

I do not want to offend—but….

Yesterday was another run-in with a self-professed, holier than thou Christian on Facebook.  It is like Facebook is the place that they can do and be everything their religion preaches against.  I wonder if Facebook has become the  Christian equivalent of making it to “Home Plate” SAFE…Anything can be said or done… SAFE….they are not responsible for upholding any of their religious doctrines… SAFE. 

I received a negative political cartoon, asking me to like and share…a negative post about political figures that I happen to admire and respect. I reacted by asking them to please not post this type of negativity on my page and deleted that post.  (I do that a lot these days) A couple of hours later another sarcastic remark….” so this is your page…?”

Yes, I know you cannot judge everyone that professes Christian values by the bad behavior of the few…but it feels like the “the few” are growing in numbers and their job appears to be browbeating, making fun of, chastising, belittling, and berating others with different opinions in public (or at least on Facebook).  The only explanation I can come up with is, they are showing all of their Christian friends that they are “upholding” the faith with these crude remarks.

It does not change my mind and it does just the opposite for me. 

#1 Unfriend, I do not need the negativity in my life! 

#2 I am even more secure in my own Agnosticism, I neither believe nor disbelieve in a god or religious doctrine. Agnostics assert that it’s impossible at this point in history, for human beings to know all there is about how the universe was created and if divine beings exist. And as a recovering Christian, I am more certain than ever that they truly have no idea what the basic tenets of Christianity are.

#3 I am reminded that we all are allowed to practice our own spiritual beliefs as long as it does not hurt another, and in my world, that means physically and emotionally.  (This is the part that a goodly number of Christians have missed out on…some how they feel it is their duty to point out everyone else’s faults as they are perceived by their religion)

#4 I appreciate my Christian friends that accept me as I am without needing to point out my faults or judging!

I do not need the doctrine or dogma to be a good person. I am who and what I am.

"Imagine" John Lennon

In some ways more exciting....

So, I get this great idea…it starts to percolate in my dreams and I know just what it should look like.  In my waking hours, I take that vision and try to figure out what “materials” might “do” what I want them to do. And so now there is this pile of stuff that has been mashed, fired, sanded and still waiting for painting and assembling.  I am so hoping it will come close to what was in my head …this process is very very different from the 2D work but in some ways,

it is more exciting or maybe it is because I am still so new to this medium!

"Catch the Wind"  Donovan

But sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs….stop it!

I have no idea why I think I need to maintain quasi-family relationships with those I really do not know and have opposing political opinions. When I get frustrated and angry with them… some sideline “do-gooder” pleads, “but they are family”.  Because they are family, I should relinquish all of my feelings and be subjected to their insulting political memes?  I appreciate everyone’s opinion, in fact, I love hearing/reading them even if I do not agree, but reposting asinine memes takes no time, or thought which and is exactly how I feel when I get sent another negative Republican meme.  If it is not worth your time or thought to develop your own opinion, it lets me know right away, it is not worth my time to read, “click like” and “share”!  I have a delete button, and I use it aggressively!  But sometimes I just need to scream at the top of my lungs….stop it!

"No No No" Paolo Nutini

...sober without Sisters...what was I thinking?

Dying is not for sissies!  And I am not talking about the being sick part, the legal part is just as, if not more overwhelming at times than the illness itself.  I guess the good news is once it is done, it is done, unlike the illness. It is another one of those things, filing things like a Power of Attorney and a Quit Claim Deed at the county courthouse make perfect business sense. I understand these are the responsible things to do.  It will protect my assets (such that they are) and make the business of death so much easier for those that will be left with the actual business.  Every book I have read even the Hospice social worker recommended these things be done, they even said I would feel much better knowing my "affairs were in order". Bullshit, not one of them gave me any indication that there would be an unexpected emotional kick in the ass in the process.  The last time I had to do ugly stuff like this I had my sisters and a good bottle of wine.  What in the world made me think I was tough enough to do this on my own, sober without sisters???  And then there was the “Gimp” pass and my ability to drive. I had to go to another Doctor to evaluate and authenticate…by the way…I will still be driving for a little while and short distances anyway.  (Hospice will not sign for these kinds of things…who knew?) This has all come on the heels of a huge Medicare snafu on Friday… and that is a whole other, I want to hit someone, story! 

"Drive My Car"  The Beatles

...and then there is this....again... DAMN

And as quickly as it goes away…it comes again and the ugly continues…

".....with dignity"  Sufjan Steven

A smoking hot body....

Yes…I know how tacky this is…but sometimes ya’ just got to laugh.  After spending the day preparing legal papers to be filed on Monday.  I am just “over” it.  The business of death and dying is full of files and forms and contracts and certificates and downloads and a shit load of other things I don’t even know exist yet, but I am sure I will be smacked up side of the head with a few more….they do not teach this in school!  This is truly “seat of the pants” life experience!  A smoking hot body would sure make me feel better about all of it!

"Strip Me" Natasha Bedingfield

Confessions of an Instant Gratification Junkie...

As an artist, I  proudly strutted my instant gratification.  How many people in this world really have the joy of seeing and experiencing the tangible proof of their labor?   

As an art business owner, it was not just the instant gratification of creating, it was a necessity if you want to get paid! I was doing what I loved, seeing it come to fruition, having others admire it AND getting paid for it!  How amazing is that?  However, as a mother, wife, and homeowner, it was a different story. I tried but it was hard, every time I cleaned, folded, vacuumed, scrubbed, cooked, mowed, pulled weeds, took out the garbage etc., etc. it was undone by the end of the week (or the day), no one admired (they expected and never said thank you) and I did not get paid either! …So, I focused on my art and business…I liked the instant gratification and it was so much more lucrative and personally rewarding. It is where my own damaged ability to have a sense of value and self-worth was finally born.

I bring all of these beliefs to my current compromised life which is not exactly what I had planned on. I am at home 24/7 with all of the same mother, wife, homeowner chores that have to be done week after week but one big change, no more little people to immediately undo all I have done. But I still crave the tangible accomplishments from my old life. I have and overwhelming need to hang on to my self-worth and that amazing instant gratification junkie high is how I did it all of this time!  I think this may be one huge component of my current “energy management”/"self-worth"  frustration.  

This body no longer allows me to set schedules or finish “my projects” (art, home, yard) in a manner that I get my instant gratification…in fact it robs me of any joy of my achievements.   I end up berating myself for having such simple little things take me such a friggen’ long time all while I am advised by hospice and family to slow down, I am doing too much!  I feel like I rarely finish anything in a reasonable amount of time, how the hell do I slow down from that without literally sitting down and doing nothing?  I rattle off to Skip (and myself) every evening when he gets home, the list of everything I did that day trying to convince him... and me... that I still have value. 

This overwhelming struggle I am having with “energy management” I now suspect is irrefutably connected to my instant gratification junkie addiction!  If you are waiting for my big ah-ha moment…here it is…I have a horrible instant gratification addiction...and I like it!   After all of this time and overwhelming frustration with my personal energy management I am just now beginning to identify some of the problem..But, I have absolutely no idea what the answer will be!     

"I'm Here, I'm Not Here"  Julia Stone

What the fuck is “too much”?

Had my weekly checkup yesterday and the “yuk” of the past couple of weeks have either settled into my new normal and/or have gone away (the crappy cold I caught)!  I count that as a good!  But no visit from my nurse seems to be complete without my weekly finger-wagging speech about doing too much.  Under my breath, the question is always… what the fuck is “too much”?  If I can do it, is it too much?  I mean...the alternative seems to be to sit quietly, do nothing and hope like hell it will help me live longer!  I am who I am!  I have already given up Art Festivals and teaching because I understood and had serious physical symptoms that keep me from doing them.  It is not that I am not aware of what this heart and body can do...hell I have to live in it!

I am not giving into this disease.  It is going to do what it is going to do.  I cannot fight or beat heart failure but I can choose not to lay down and allow it to take over my entire life...it has robbed me of enough already!   I am not stupid I know how to be careful, but I am still living my life! 

"I would rather have 2 weeks of wonderful than a whole life of nothing special.” Steel Magnolias

"Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da" The Beatles

Does it really matter where I get my “feel good” as long as it feels good?

Got the IKEA organizing “bars & buckets” up.  Quite frankly I cannot pronounce what they are officially called in the catalog, but they were inexpensive and they already look and work great!  Getting all of the boxes of sewing paraphernalia off of the desktop

and adding another light…aughh…is there ever enough light anymore?

Yes, I know, oodles of wonderful rehabbing, updating, organizing, repainting the house, replacing the chimney, …one of my dear friends ratted me out when she knew exactly what I was doing, “getting my house in order”…and she is right about that. I understand that when my insides feel so crappy there is a great deal of need to “fix” the outsides, but it works, and it does feel so much better.  Does it really matter where I get my “feel good” as long as it feels good?"

"Fumbling Towards Ecstacy" Sarah McLachlan

Wonderfully Empowering!

Little “jewels” like this one slip into my life, of course, there are a lot more and more often with the advent of the internet!  But I am grateful for each of the little pearls.  I am never sure exactly which ones are really based in fact, but most of them are worth thinking about!

This one was surprising, and perhaps even answered a ton of my own questions.  This is not to say I am blaming my parents for my own shortcomings.  I suspect they did what they felt they needed to do.  Although I will confess the focus of their attention was rarely on the children. A very unhealthy mother that left me when I was young followed by a second round of parenting that only doled out attention when it benefitted their social standing, or we had misbehaved.  I was personally accused of breaking up my family, not being pretty enough, too fat, and constantly told I was to do nothing but be quiet and stay out of the way, I had caused way too many problems for them already.  All may have been true, but in today’s world what I endured may have been classified as emotional abuse.  I have battled self-worth my entire life, but not absolutely certain that most of us do not have some form of that “demon” working in our backgrounds! 

The long and the short of this quote may be just recognizing where my raging lack of self-worth may have come from, realizing there is nothing that can be done to undo it and finding the courage to live in the NOW and celebrate all of the good I have accomplished on my own.  I think we all may be, to a certain degree, products of our pasts…but realizing we can do something about it is wonderfully empowering!

"More-o-That"  Eric Bibb

That is what the storms are about!

The storms….AUGHHHH!  The storms used to be occasional and unexpected, now they are almost predictable!  The biggest issue I have to face on a fairly regular basis is “Am I willing to physically pay for my choices?”  Sometimes the answer is unequivocal…YES!  And so…. I cannot complain about how my body is revolting to last week’s amazing Nude Nite.  Used to be I would have a 50/50 shot of coming through unscathed, now not so much! On the backside of a BP "lockdown" spike which does seem to be sliding back down into “my” normal range but still nursing a nasty cold that came on precisely at the 7 to 10 day viral incubation period that apparently is the result of the steroids compromising my immune system. So, some shake their heads and ask why would I risk it?  Because it is who and what I am, and Nude Nite is an amazing annual celebration of the human body and I might not get another chance to be a part of it.  Some things are worth the storms, they make me stronger by reminding me of who and what I am.  That is what the storms are about!   

  "Beauty in the World" Macy Gray

Lockdown

I do admit that it is a bit melodramatic, but when I am confined to the house and little or no activity, I might as well be in lockdown.  The hardest part of this disease is not knowing.  I know that sounds ridiculous and it is hard to explain.  As I have said a bazillion times I am so lucky that heart failure has little pain (not like cancer).  What it does have is overwhelming and frustrating exhaustion!  And to make it even more difficult this fatigue is not constant.   What is not functioning today, may function tomorrow and vice versa.  There is no early warning system. So, I had the most phenomenal 3 nights at the Nude Nite Exhibition, would not have missed them for anything, loved them, had a great time but apparently, the “payment” has come due.  The heart numbers “ratted” me out on the weekly nurse visit, although in my own defense I had no idea.  I knew I was a little “tired-er” but not to this point.  The question that is a constant swirl in my head, as well as nurse Ed’s is what and when is “living” well?  Lockdown is precariously close to my quality of life red line!  The lockdown good news...I got the income taxes done!

"Shake Me Like a Monkey"  Dave Matthews Band

Never too late!

This pretty much sums it up.  I am very aware of how many people just do not get me and it really is ok…well it is now. 

There used to be a time where I felt like I needed 100% approval from 100% of all the people all of the time.  When I first accepted the premise, “no one would like me all of the time” it should have been very freeing, but I felt part of my personal growth process was to learn why they did not like me. I spent hours of my life examining them, examining me and the hopes I could fix it. But the best I could come up with is we were different. No one needed to be "fixed".  None of us are all bad or all good (well maybe every now and again I would run up on an all bad, in that case, you just run like hell in the other direction). There is no such thing as 100% anything! Every now and again there may be a fleeting moment of it, that is only if we are lucky enough to recognize it when it zips by, but it will not stay.  Husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, friends, and neighbors will never agree or understand each other all of the time.  The only thing I have to understand is if and when the relationship becomes hurtful and toxic for me I need to hold it at arm’s length.  But I will never let go totally. I can never give up on the possibility that love can turn everything around at any moment…it is never too late!

"Never too Late"  Michael Franti

I think it is my superpower....wicked and grateful at the same time!

3+ glorious nights and days of Nude Nite have come and gone!  And my celebration of I can do it, creativity, a wonderful smidgen of naughty, and art of every possible medium, but with a single theme, has now entered into recovery mode with yesterday’s full day nap!

Thanks to all of my friends and family that truly understand how important this part of my life is and facilitated all of my desires to be a part of it again!  I am so grateful! I think that is my superpower....wicked and grateful at the same time!

"Good Girl" Julian Moon

"F#(k" Heart Failure

Where else but Nude Nite….. could you be a part of an interactive installation?  A couple of years ago there was the most irreverently awesome confessional! I did NOT participate in that one…I just watched and strained to hear what was being said behind the curtains of the artistic confessionals (and that is exactly why I did NOT confess) I was not the only one listening!  This “unburdening” was much more anonymous but not at the same time.  We wrote on then tore out “Funk and Wagnalls” Encyclopedia pages and threw them in the coffin to be burned on Sunday! I had not seen or heard of Funk and Wagnalls since the 70’s! I need for the"universe" to know and to see this disease is not going to destroy my spirit, I get that it will eventually claim my body and I have no choice about that…but my spirit and my love…that is MY CHOICE....Heart Failure cannot take those from me …although it tries to on a regular basis…Fuck Heart Failure, you will not win this one!

"The Secret of Life" James Taylor

First Night-Nude Nite 2019

  The art and the people there is just nothing like it....there is more coming this is just the first night!

....horrible paralyzing fear is always going to be a part of my journey

Delivery Day is like all of the bubble gum I have stuffed in the cracks of my life are beginning to give way!

The drive to the “Nude Nite” venue feels like a slow walk to the gallows. A litany of questions unravels inside my head, as I get closer and closer.

“Do I belong here?

"They must have made a mistake."

"My work is not good enough!"

"If I turn around now and run, they will never know it was me.”

At the venue….Without emotion or approval, they ask my name, have me sign the legal documents, and hand me a brown manila envelope with my name on it, it contains a lanyard and comp. tickets.  I gather up the paperwork and artwork and walk into the gallery area where no one notices me, it is a simple matter of fact business transaction of dropping off art.  The curators will make the decisions later where and how all of this artwork hangs and the Installers will set about the job of building pop up gallery walls, gallery lights and hangover 200 pieces of art for opening night in less than

36 hours. It is an amazing feat!

I go to the empty spot I was directed to and stand long enough to take a deep breath, before setting my work down.  I feel everyone in the room is watching and knows that I am just plain not good enough to be here! After I set my work down and unwrap it, I finally feel brave enough to lift my eyes and look around.  All of a sudden it is not about me anymore! I am surrounded by the energy of incredible artists, artwork, massive amounts of glorious unimaginable talent, images that take my breath away and a feeling of incredible satisfaction and belonging envelopes me. I am surrounded by magnificent creatives and their work and energy.  Like storm clouds clearing, my breathing slows and my heart calms. At that precise moment, I know this is exactly what I am meant to do.  This moment is what makes all of the fear worth it…It is that fleeting but so very real moment that I feel the universe wrap its arms around me and lovingly tell me…this is who and what you are. I am embraced in the "knowing" like a big warm hug. This is why I am alive.

This horrible paralyzing fear is always going to be a part of the journey.  I do not think I will ever get used to it. I just have to know it will be there every time I deliver artwork for an exhibition.  I have to do the work, show up and move through the fear.  For this, I am rewarded with the unquestionable understanding that this is who and what I am in the world.  This is the amazing gift of being an artist that I do not think most people will ever have the opportunity to understand….

"Naked" Lakshmi

Letting Go of Cetainties

And so do a whole bunch of other things…I am just now figuring this out!  I have been measuring my accomplishments, my worthiness and everything about me based on the certainties of how and what I used to be and what this body would do.

I get that creativity requires the courage to “let go” but I confess, there are very few of my works that have not been created without some of that certainty.  It could be the colors, the subject, the presentation that is created for the sheer need to be certain it will be liked. Even when I am pleased with my work, I stand back and wonder how much better it could have been if I did not care whether others liked it or would buy it or not.

This letting go of “certainties” is what I need to do a lot more of!  It is not like it worked that great in the past…why do I think I need it now???

"I Can't Make You Love Me"  Adelle

I do not even have to get a running start!

From day one I have had a “love-hate” affair with the “stuff” that identifies me as “sick”. Love...love…love when it helps me breathe, park closer, see who is at the door without getting up, stay longer-drink more at gallery openings.  Hate...hate...hate that I need them and that they identify me as weaker than.

There is another one...CRAP...  A ramp at the front door…NOT for me but for grocery wagon.  Trying to get in and out of the front doorstep

had gotten to be such a production.  Trying to muscle that wagon full of groceries over that step was a hysterical joke!!  Now I can go up, over and in and I do not even have to get a running start! Maybe it is not all bad, sometimes maybe even a little bit good...but just a little bit.

"All That We Let In"  Indigo Girls

...but I really liked my old software!

Pre-emptive computer crash…. First of all, I would like to make a declaration!  I am not a computer geek although I do know how to do a bunch of things.  I have a slow learning curve but once I’ve got it…I have got it.  This means that a 6-year-old laptop I have just now gotten a good handle on how, what, where, when to use it…FINALLY!  And then the son of a bitch begins to slow down, crash intermittently…all signs that the end is coming!  The rush is on to find an affordable replacement before I lose all of my files.  With the help of my amazing techno son. The new extremely affordable refurbished machine has arrived but apparently, I have no choice but to be forced into the world of updated software…but I really liked my old software and I knew how to use it! This is going to take another 6 years….at least!

 "Got to Get You into My Life"  Beatles

Pay Attention!!!

I have always adored Brian Andreas’s  “Story People”.  They/he just seem to know how to communicate simple and profound messages wrapped in non-threatening whimsy. This was a big one that dropped onto my FaceBook page.

#1  Yes my real life really SUCKS right now!

#2  I know complaining does not help…but sometimes…

#3  And…because I am a big believer in “synchronicity” what is happening has really smacked me upside the head!

So 3 does seem to be the magic number.

  

#1  Two of my small sculptures were juried into the Nude Nite Exhibition,

#2  I was asked to participate on the city’s Art House Expansion Planning Board (including a dedicated 3D building)

#3  A VOG art sister calls and says the Sculpture Guild has had a renaissance I should come check it out.

I think the universe maybe SCREAMING at me.  Pay Attention! "You cannot have what you used to have, that is gone forever, but here...here is a gift...physically "doable" new...different...challenging...creative...what more could  you possibly want?

 
"Carry On"  Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

a short leash....

Sometimes it can be just this simple.  As for me, I was always waiting for the time to be right,  until I had enough money...until the kids were older...until I was thin/pretty enough... until I was SURE I could not fail.  This was long before I learned there is no such thing as NOT failing. I made an almost full-time job out of concocting ways to not be perfect enough to be anything other than plain, unexceptional, and commonplace.  It was what I was taught to strive for, a life filled with no chance of failure.

All I have to do now is be brave enough which is pretty easy when you have nothing left to lose. So if failure and imperfection bother or offend you, you might want to step back, I have some time to make up for and I am on a short leash!

"In My Mind"  Amanda Palmer

Becoming "reversible"!

It is Monday morning, which really is not an excuse, but since it is available I will throw it out there as an underlying reason for this morning's conundrum.

After getting dressed this morning it took about a half an hour before I realized my pants were on backward!  My first horrified thought was how did my front side and back side become interchangeable?  AUGHHHH! However, In my own defense, there are a few extenuating circumstances, they are the “stretchy” variety of jeans and sometimes it is just easier to do the pull 'em up dance rather than engage with the zipper and button to get them on and off. But it is quite a shock when there comes a time when you truly need and expect to “engage” with your zipper and it is not there.  

I had to face the horrible truths.  And I am not sure which is worse, Am I just forgetting how to dress myself, or is my body truly becoming “reversible”?

"Ride This Out" Imaginary Cities

It’s a conundrum…but probably NOT what you think?

It’s a conundrum…but probably NOT what you think?  

I have decided it may be my last Nude Nite, and feel that a particularly outrageous outfit is in order!  I am not particularly wild about the style, it is rather ho-hum, but love the print of this quasi-coat.  I ordered it …from China…it did not come…it did not come…I emailed the company, the email was returned as undeliverable…. And I was broken hearted but it is why I use PayPal. I lodged a complaint, they intervened and I was awarded a full refund…I was so sad, but happy that I got my money back and the lesson to NOT order stuff directly from China!  

Then yesterday this arrived…from California..not China…no invoice, no return address!  WHAT!!!!  Have an email into PayPal to figure out what to do now…but I am itching to get at it with my scissors and sewing machine!

               "Details in the Fabric" Jason Mraz

I wanna' be a Rayya!

I should have known it would be someone like Elizabeth Gilbert to understand and explain this better than I ever could!

NOT a TV show!

Oh Hell NO!  There is no such thing! 

Although I used to think so.  I defined my family’s dysfunction with TV shows as the standard of a healthy functioning family…Boy…was that a huge mistake! 

So here are the facts….There is no “Leave it to Beaver” family!  Never has been, never will be and those that tell you differently are out and out liars! I am learning to revel in all that I have and to let go of the hurt and anger created by what I do not have...I admit it is not easy and the hurt and negativity will flow out of me with very little provocation.   There are a zillion sappy “Family is everything” quotes…Family is what we want it to be.  The relationships are defined by us,  not a TV show.

"Family Affair"  Sly and the Family Stone

Not a Bad Person because I do not....

Sometimes I hear a song and I am taken right back to a time, and with Google now I can really “kind of” visually go back too. 

It was my first official run away from Leesburg at 13.  My mother and stepfather lived in South Miami. It was the first time I was exposed to a metropolitan area and I loved it.  There was always something to do and it never involved an orange grove.

The top right building was my Junior High School,  where I was awarded the school superlative…”Girl with the Best Sense of Humor, 1969”. Superlatives were better than valedictorians, it was a huge deal at my school, (back then you kind of graduated, but not with all of the pomp and circumstance just a big school prom like dance and awards).  I was so amazed and surprised and tickled that just being myself was noticed. I was not surprised when I found it online all these years later...that it is now a magnet school for the arts. In Leesburg I had been criticized for being funny, I was told it was rude, crude and unladylike. No friend or family member in Leesburg ever acknowledged or asked me about how it felt to be acknowledged by the students and faculty of a large metropolitan school for such an honor. It was not anything they understood and  I was not the homecoming queen....so in their eyes... it did not count.

Killian High School (lower right) was a serious culture shock. A huge brand new school built for the single purpose of achieving racial integration. The high school was bigger than the first Jr. college I went to and a hotbed of civil disobedience.  A week did not go by that at least one bomb threat did not get us all out of class or a urinal was not blown off of the boy's bathroom wall. We had lecture classes in huge auditoriums or lecture labs, bigger than most colleges. It was scary as hell...but exhilarating at the same time...The possibilities were endless!

Oh and Dadeland! (Upper Left) may have been one of the first real malls and my official introduction to Jordon Marsh and Burdines, which no one even remembers now!  But there were so many small and amazing boutiques where anything could be in style…and oh yes there was…. Spencers…Black lights…psychedelic posters…candles.... the definition of a generation! It is where I learned how to create my own style and shop!

And finally home.... 6460 SW 73^rd St. South Miami, FL  (bottom left)  The little house,  the first place where I was accepted just the way I was.  It was the beginning of growing into who I was… and would be. (And the clock that sat on the shelf in that house and chimed every hour, is now in my house still chiming, still telling me...it's ok)

I would be dragged back to Leesburg at 16, through legal custody wrangling  I was criticized, punished, chronically restricted from most social events. I suspect in today's world it would be considered emotional abuse.  I was being browbeaten into becoming socially acceptable, to fit into the Leesburg box, but Leesburg would never fit me again, I had found out there were options in other places..  Leesburg would never ever fit me again nor would I ever allow it to make me feel "less than" because I did not fit it. There was nothing wrong with me it was the Leesburg mentality of the 60's and 70's..  As I look back I understand and appreciate all of those that love the comfort and simplicity of a small town. I can see the sense of safety in a narrowly defined social, religious and political structure of a small town.  But I can also appreciate that I am NOT a bad person.... because I do not want to be a part of that ever again.

"Give Me Some Kind of Sign, Girl"  Brenton Wood

It is time...

I am different, I am not meant for everyone, and I am learning that it is ok, I do not need them all to like me and I am ok with that…I think.  My self-value and self-worth have to come from inside me…my own beliefs,  not how much I contribute, how much I give, how much I do for others.  Giving is a terribly important part of being human.  I enjoy it, I do not regret a moment of time and things I have given but now I need to take care of me, too.  I may hurt some feelings, I may make some angry, it does not mean I love you less…it does mean that I love me more. It is time for me to embrace my own magic and I have to do this by myself.

"If You Could Read My Mind"  Gordon Lightfoot

It is frustrating as hell!!!

And this is the scariest question because I am afraid the answer is yes.  

I am forever grateful that there is not a great deal of pain associated with this, but there is an overwhelming and indescribable loss of energy and motivation to keep going.  I used to revel in “days off” the “do nothing days” they were the time I got to recharge, to think to brew ideas and make plans for the future  They were looked forward and cherished. Now the “do nothing days” are the malicious reminder that this is all your body is capable of doing.  And it is frustrating as hell…I hate this!

"Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" 

Gerry and the Pacemakers

Wish I had figured this our earlier!

This was a difficult and confusing concept for a small southern town Episcopalian and red-headed daughter (that stuck out like a sore thumb) of the only architect. On one hand, I was often told who was and who was not an appropriate person to befriend based on a small community‘s social and financial standing, giving me the ridiculous idea that I had been endowed with all some privileged (“holier than thou”) traits simply by birth. On the other hand, I was also told privately and consistently what a disappointment and failure I was. It was incredibly confusing!!! I think as a result I always felt and identified more with the free spirits that did not give a rats rump about the social norms, but I was too afraid to openly embrace them!

Now I know, finally NOW I know...I think I have known for a long long time, just never really knew how to put it into words. I am just different and so are the most amazing, interesting, remarkable, and fearless people I know and adore... it is the most wonderful thing! Wish I had the wisdom and intelligence to figure it out much much earlier!

"I'm a Loser" The Beatles

So Worth it!

I have learned so much about what people do not want to talk about.  This part of the journey is really up to each of us and we have to do it alone. As much as I want to share this with friends and loved ones, it is clear it is very hard for them.  Now I know, no one can do it for us or with us or even help us navigate it.  As much as they want to help, they just do not know. Although sometimes all I need is to have someone listen. I have also learned that fear is what controls most of how we approach this part of life and it can be so damaging and destructive.  But oh my! if you are willing to work through that raunchy fear, if you work yourself to the other side, this part of life can be the most freeing, joyful, celebration of life. I will confess there are still many times it can be frustrating as hell … but working through it….is so worth it.

"She is Not Afraid" One Direction

But We Do....

The world and I lost a guiding light.  Damn, she will be missed, but I am so happy that her amazing words will live on.  She will continue to inspire.  Thank you, Mary Oliver, you made more of a difference in my life than I think you might imagine…You were one of the few that knows the real conflict of exposing creativity, allowing others to give or take away the importance of creating.  Still…after all of this time most do not understand that art is about the process of creating…the “product” the art is not much more than evidence that creativity took place.  We really should not even care whether or not others like it….but we do.

"Maybe There's a World" Cat Stevens

I'm going to Nude NIte!

I am so eXcITeD!!!! Me and my girls (both of them) are going to Nude Nite! Feb. 14-15-16

This is the part of life where I seriously question my strengths and energy to continue to do some of the things I really love doing.  Creating is one of those things.  So much of who and what I am hinges on my ability to create. I am absolutely certain it is the main reason my heart continues to beat so strongly. Now Ed (the hospice nurse)  will tell you the meds may have something to do with it…but I KNOW.  

When I could no longer do the layered paper pastels (there was a serious breathing issue with all of the fixative) I had to do something and I began playing with the paper clay.  It has been inspiring, perplexing and incredibly challenging, but there is nothing and I do mean nothing that could possibly have felt better, given me artistic validation, and confirmed that I and my work do still have value than to have someone else in the arts industry recognize my work as being good enough to be a part of a National Show….even if it is limited to nudes!...and that is what makes it just a bit more fun than any old plain art exhibition!

"Naked" Lakshmi Devi

My own reflection...

And this is the beginning of my understanding!  

I think it is so much easier, less challenging, and takes so much less work to love a reflection of ourselves.  I know because I have systematically removed people that are aggressively different from me politically, however, in my own defense I do love having open intelligent political conversations and debates, it was only when the discussion included debasing  and humiliating others for not believing the same way they do that I began resolutely deleting people and comments.  I think loving my friends and family’s different characteristics of beliefs is a wonderful thing, until and unless it creates chaos and drama and begins impacting my own ability to achieve peace.  I will never be able to love everyone, or agree with them or fit them into “my reflection” nor will I fit in to theirs ….and it is ok.  I have not found my own reflection, yet.

"For Good" from "Wicked"

This is just so wrong!

 “Once upon a time”…

I suspect we all have “those” stories. And I did have 1 or 2 marvelous decadent up all nighters, but I really thought “adulting” was going to be full of those wild wanton nights! Who knew that once I did not have a job or kids and could stay up as late as I wanted to… I would not be able to anymore.  This is just so wrong!

"Born to be Wild" Steppenwolf

Sunday Morning and all is right in my world!

New Air Handler fits perfectly in old space!

I love it when a plan comes together….
Which very rarely happens!  But yesterday was like a well-oiled tornado of amazing workmen that knew just what they were doing!  The arrived at 8 AM and were done by 1PM installing a whole new system, both inside and out with all of the wiring, drains, electrical, etc…etc…without a hitch…it was amazing…and it works like a charm!  All that “prep” work paid off, having all of the drain and copper tubing exposed for them to get to really helped expedite the job!  And for as much as I have worn myself out and groused about, it sure does now feel great that I got those closets cleaned out and reorganized and now put back together….well almost…the studio is still not finished!  It is Sunday morning and all is right in my world!!

"I Just Want to Celebrate"  Rare Earth

All of the little things that I did not truly appreciate!

It is new AC/Heater system replacement day!  My last few days have been in preparation for this….AUGH!  All closets that the pipes and tubes are cleaned out and ready…and when you live in the same place for over 40 years and closet cleaning is NOT one of my high priority jobs…there is a serious YUK factor!  I cannot complain, this system has served us well for over 30 years and I have been told that is well past the normal life span but I do not think there is ever a time that I would want to spend this much money or do this much cleaning.  I cannot wait to have this over with...but the dream of efficient air and heat and my kitchen and studio put back together is going to feel so great!  All of the little things that I did not really pay attention to or truly appreciate have become front and center….and oh how I do appreciate these conveniences now!

"Hammer & Nail"  Indigo Girls

Panties are optional!

Well let’s call it as I see it…it is not just coffee, smiling and panties but a back that is killing me, forearms that are again infested with hundreds of those little blood bruises and no desire to get out of this wonderful heated-vibrating recliner!  

After 2 days of tackling the studio closet, it is going to take much much more than this crummy “rah-rah” quote to get me motivated enough to tackle the kitchen “garbage”  closet!  Even if it is only 1 fourth the actual size of the studio closet…there is nothing fun in there…brooms, mops, cleaning supplies, bug spray…. etc. …all are of questionable origin and use! 

Another sip of coffee and I am resetting the chair remote heat massage for another 30 minutes….oh yea…there is the smile on my face and the sparkle in my eye... the panties are optional!...

"Get Up Off of That Thing"  James Brown

My own little retrospective!

The studio closet HAS to be cleaned out so the new AC/Heat system can be installed. There is absolutely no other reason I would take on this kind of lousy job!  The drain pipe and copper tubes run through the backs of this closet one other kitchen closet and the pantry.  If I ever find who came up with this “better idea” ... I may throttle them!

Aside from my exhaustion and grousing….It has been an interesting visual walk through my creative career.  For the first time ever, as all this old artwork that never sold, or I changed my media enough that I could no longer include it in my outdoor art show category was dragged out and reorganized to get ready for all of this AC/Heat construction. I got to see 30+ years of my art and how I have grown and changed.  It was interesting and something I had never really thought about or would have done for that purpose.

There was texture and dimension even in my early watercolor work, I did not realize what a big part of me and my work it is and apparently has been all along  Too actually see it be born and develop and now watching it morph and grow into 3D work with sculpture was really interesting.  But still there was a ton of shit that just needed to be pitched and I need to temporarily stash the other works somewhere in the studio until the work is done and I can put it all back…

It was like my own little “retrospective”!   

What is in the picture is not even close to all of it!  YIKES!!!

 

"You Have Lived"  Don McLean

Is this the something new?

They are photographically done…

that means a lot more finishing work and paint touch up…but for now, the images are good enough for photographs to be judged by the “Nude Nite” Jury to determine if I am good enough to exhibit this year.  

Looking back, I needed to spend more time but it was a deliberate choice I made (or a really great excuse if I am not selected)…. This time…putting the holidays and time with friends and family first.  I really thought I had made a reasonable compromise by NOT doing a large piece as one of my entries this year.  But is there ever enough time when there are deadlines?  Or am I and all artists searching for the answer we ask ourselves repeatedly....Am I good enough?

Regardless of this outcome….I have enjoyed being back in the studio, working in a newer medium that I (and my heart seem to tolerate a bit easier than the pastels).  This may be the beginning of the something new I have been reaching out for!

"Something New" Tom Fletcher

More of it!

Bases and backgrounds taking shape!

Part of being a creative…is to see past the lumps and the sticks and all of the ”broken” things and finally get to the images or artwork I had in my head.  Although I have to admit that more times than not, what finally erupts and is finished turns out being better than what was in my head. The trick for me is to just let the process go...following it, rather than directing it. 

But I do direct! Maybe not in the specific art…but most definitely how I present it!  Not many people understand including artists that a lot of time and money is spent on framing or presenting artworks well.  Artists (for lack of funds, time or talent) tend to want the galleries, museums and/or buyers to do this…I have always disagreed. Perhaps I spend too much time in the presentation, but I have seen what people can do to my work when left to their own devices.  In my opinion, the presentation becomes part of the work.  Other than the work itself, it is the most influential part. So I am sure most people did not understand yesterday’s panic when the black paint I was using for the bases and canvas was drying semi-gloss-ish.  I think perhaps in a day or 2 (crossing my fingers) you will understand how important it was for me to have a flat finish behind the antiquated finish of my girls.

What I will say without hesitation, being back in the studio, has been close to magic.  I know part of it is the excitement and the hoping the “Nude Nite” jurors will see my vision and allow me into the February exhibition.  There is magic and healing power in just plain simple creativity that so many people are going to live and die without ever having truly experienced. Every day I am grateful for this magnificent gift and I need to promise myself to do more of it!

"More of That"  Eric Bibb

Fantastic Mistakes!

Well, this is one I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with!  Working on a hard deadline is not the time to find out the “flat” latex paint is NOT the same as “flat” acrylic.  After doing a second coat on the bases for the “girls” the damn paint is like a semi-gloss….there is a definite shine.  Even after sitting overnight just to make sure it was not just a little wet, and the damn stuff is still shiny.  Still, have to build the gallery wrapped canvas backing with braces to support the bases and sculptures and they all need to be painted FLAT black too!   AUGHHHHHH!   This can be considered a FANTASTIC mistake! 

"Red Wine, Mistakes, Mythology" Jack Johnson

Big Old Fat Creative ife!

I am one of the lucky ones!  I figured it out late, but I did figure it out!  If I did not break the “rules” I would never have been able to become the person I was put on this earth to be. I have lost friends and family love, but it was partly my choice to no longer “play the people pleasing games”. I already let them break my heart once, now it is all on me I will not let it happen again!  Even if I scare them, they do not agree, or they think I am wrong. I will not ever forget or be afraid again to have a big old fat juicy creative life!

"Something to Talk About"  Bonnie Rait

My heart knew...all along.

"Ave Maria" Guy Farley