life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

unstoppable....

There is no place big enough to list my
doubts and failures for the past 5 years. So how about I list them for just the last couple of days!

1. As I regain my strength, I seem to be over anxious to restore my emotional well-being by unrealistically insisting that my friends allow me participate fully. No more sympathy or empathy…I have been down right rude and militant…and I am sorry.

2. I hate that I do not feel like my heart is recovering that hibernating tissue we all hoped it would, the medical response that used to be we just need to give it more time, is now scheduling more tests and I still have not received information on how the first tests went. And….next week I am scheduled to find out about having the ICD implanted. I wonder if they will do that without clear test results…

3. I have decided to try a new style of creating and committed to do the nudes for 2 exhibitions in that style….What the fuck am I thinking?

4. I screwed up my courage and invited 5 women artist, I truly admire to join me in a curated exhibition and only 2 have 3 have responded, 2 were yes.

I can go on, but am running out of space…..(I know that is a chicken shit way out of this) and I really need to focus on the good positive things happening….”ART: making a living and a life” classes and the new book are doing well….”Big Magic” Book group has a great wine bar to meet in….I get to see a community theater play….a fun art center fundraiser this week….2 possible exhibitions on the horizon….one “for sure” exhibition on deck.
"Sunshine"  Johnathan Edwards
Some man's come he's trying to run my life, don't know what he's asking
When he tells me I better get in line, can't hear what he's saying
When I grow up, I'm gonna make him mine, these ain't dues I been paying...
How much does it cost? ...I'll buy it!
The time is all we've lost...I'll try it!
He can't even run his own life,
I'll be damned if he'll run mine....

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