life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


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Friday, October 9, 2015

Patience is not my strong suit!

Today was the first test, an echo-cardiogram, to find out whether or not “it took”, (a holy crap...open heart surgery, that is).  So here is the thing…I have had at least a dozen echos…I know how they work, and typically I can schmooze the tech into giving me at least a hint about what is going on.  Most of the time when  they realize that this is not an initial diagnosis and I ask a very specific question, I can get a thumbs up or a nod of approval, or an acknowledgement to a specific question.

That is NOT what I got this morning.  She was a tough cookie.  I worked my charm every way I knew how and could not get one tid-bit of info about what my heart was doing….Damn it.  I am going to have to be patient and I am so bad at it! 

Maybe it is better that I not know before I leave for my youngest son’s wedding on board a cruise ship, if it is not good news it might spoil the trip, besides I do blissfully ignorant so well!  The most important thing is that, this only has 3 possible results…it stayed the same (and I am no worse off than when I started, although I have a lot less money, and some big honking scars), I have gotten some heart function back, enough to implant an ICD, or I have gotten so much heart function back that I will not need an ICD at all.  Any of these 3 possible outcomes will be what they will be and I will be fine regardless of which one it is.  This is the best attitude I can muster up  while waiting..  Patience is not my strong suit!
"Hold on my Heart"  Genesis

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