life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

life, love,art. heart failure and assorted ramblings

Don't Talk Like That...

I write to find out what my heart thinks....
I write to expose and work through the ugly parts of this disease, open heart surgery that was less than successful and more recently an S-ICD (internal cardiac defibrillator) implanted in my chest that will hopefully restore my heart beat in case of sudden cardiac death. I am here to celebrate my life, to uncover my fears, to hold on to love, to learn how to live a full life with heart failure, to honor my creativity, and to explore all of my emotions out loud ...before anyone can say
"Don't talk like that!"


Music is loading really slow lately...sorry...

Friday, October 9, 2015

Patience is not my strong suit!

Today was the first test, an echo-cardiogram, to find out whether or not “it took”, (a holy heart surgery, that is).  So here is the thing…I have had at least a dozen echos…I know how they work, and typically I can schmooze the tech into giving me at least a hint about what is going on.  Most of the time when  they realize that this is not an initial diagnosis and I ask a very specific question, I can get a thumbs up or a nod of approval, or an acknowledgement to a specific question.

That is NOT what I got this morning.  She was a tough cookie.  I worked my charm every way I knew how and could not get one tid-bit of info about what my heart was doing….Damn it.  I am going to have to be patient and I am so bad at it! 

Maybe it is better that I not know before I leave for my youngest son’s wedding on board a cruise ship, if it is not good news it might spoil the trip, besides I do blissfully ignorant so well!  The most important thing is that, this only has 3 possible results…it stayed the same (and I am no worse off than when I started, although I have a lot less money, and some big honking scars), I have gotten some heart function back, enough to implant an ICD, or I have gotten so much heart function back that I will not need an ICD at all.  Any of these 3 possible outcomes will be what they will be and I will be fine regardless of which one it is.  This is the best attitude I can muster up  while waiting..  Patience is not my strong suit!
"Hold on my Heart"  Genesis

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