Just Let Go and See Where it Lands....

"There are avenues and supplements

and books stacked on the shelf

Labyrinths of recovery in search of my best self

But most of what will happen now is way out of my hands

So just let it go and see where it lands"

" I Believe in Love"  Indigo Girls

Believe in me...

I never knew I was allowed to believe in me.
I just knew there were parts of me that were screaming to be heard.
It took years and years to develop the courage and self-worth that I have now, and even that is compromised.

But still to this day…I find myself
seeking out the trust, the touch of one that sees me as valuable.
Does anyone ever get to the point in their lives that they believe in themselves enough to not need others approval?

Shouldn't I have figured this out a long time ago?

 

"Ironic"    Alanis Moriessette

It needs to begin in the place where it started.

I get that I am a little left of center…I grew up trying so hard to be middle of the road, and I was such a miserable failure! Recently I have been irrevocably drawn back into Leesburg, I thought it was because of my art and creativity, and although that may be part of it, I suspect the important part is the Universe has sucked me back into the single one place that harbors more pain, violence and shame that I thought could possibly be endured. So much pain that I ran from there, not once but twice. It is time for me to face those demons. Were they real or a young woman’s bad dreams? I have some healing to do, and it needs to begin in the place where it started.

My weirdness will make me stronger. 

 My dark side will keep me whole. 

 My vulnerability will connect me to the rest of the world 

and my creativity will set me free. 

 There is nothing wrong!

"Blackbird"  The Beatles

Having a Ya-Ya moment!

These are the headdresses of the queens that have gone before us. They come from Indian holy ground... the jungles of the ancients... prairies of the Norwegians... and the forests of the mighty Amazons. The royal crowns of our people.  We are the flames of the fires, the whirling of the winds. We are the waters of the rains and the rivers and the oceans. We are the rocks and the stones.  
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

I really do need to have one of these. 

No, actually I need several of them!  It would go so well with my magic wand!

"Follow Me"   Uncle Kracker

My Obeah Women....Answering the Universe

I have been doing a lot of talking but falling short on listening.  I am learning to hush, and let the Universe ask, direct, and guide.  No more picking and choosing based on what I perceive to be the “right” thing, but now make an effort to answer every opportunity.

I trust that the Universe will present me and my work with the opportunities that are not just focused on financial gain, but will fill me life with the lessons that I need and want to learn.  I believe my creativity is going to take me to the most spectacular places that most people would never even consider. 

"Obeah Woman"    Nina Simone

Hopping on "Another Train"

Leesburg Center for the Arts...ready for class #1

After 17 years of facilitating this class, you would think I would get over this paralyzing fear of first class.  I DO NOT.  Every class is different, every group establishes their own personality and I have no idea how I am going to fit in.  The one thing that keeps me coming back and back and back is that every single time, without fail, I learn something significant.  I always begin as the teacher and I always end up being the one that learns! 

Yes... I am scared and nervous but the anticipation about what I will be learning next is worth it!

"Another Train"  The Poozies

Sometimes the day after is worth it!

Sometimes the price you pay is worth it! Leesburg's Emerging Artist program was a wonderful experience, I had a great time, the girls sold incredibly well for their "first time" working the streets. Both of them terrific artists and wonderful women.And...the wine bar....well that kind of says it all! Sometimes the day after is worth it! Thank you to all of these amazing women for a GRRRRReat weekend!
"Bottle of Wine"  The Fireballs

My heart is full!

Although my gypsy spirit is sill longing, my heart is unable to keep up the grueling pace of the outdoor art festival....
BUT.... I am so grateful to be a part of the Leesburg Art Center's Emerging Artist Program, as I mentor and launch 2 new creatives in their new art careers at the Leesburg Outdoor Art Festival this weekend.
Please send them, Debi & Belina your very creative thoughts as they begin this exciting new part of their lives!
My heart is full!   Booom shaka-laka!

"I Want to Take you Higher"  Ike & Tina Turner

Brutal honesty….Healing…Moving forward…

And none of it comes easy!
Brutal honesty is making me open my eyes to the realities of my life. Some of them I glossed over, convinced myself it did not matter, filed them away, and called them done, thinking it was just that easy to choose to handle life. The ugly memories can be tucked away, but they will continue to poke through my life until I get them out, explore them and resolve the circumstances that created them.

Healing is the process of me being honest with me. Accepting the part I played in creating my own pain. It is the hardest part of this process. It is so much easier to point a finger and blame, but the reality is I participated, whether willingly or not, none of it could have happened without my permission.

I am NOW giving myself the gift of permission to heal, to live, to love and not feel guilty for wanting these things.

I have no idea what moving forward is going to look like, but I know it needs to begin now. In the past I have tried to hold my life still, just maintaining what I have. I have tried stepping back into my old life, convincing myself I was moving forward by picking up where I left off. Neither worked, the last choice is simply being honest with myself and moving forward.

Healing me, healing my heart is going to take brutal honesty, forgiveness, and sheer determination…I can only hope it will be worth it!

"Be Honest"  Jason Mraz

Exploring me…

This is my first self-portrait, done in a workshop by Derek Gores whose style is unmistakable. Seems like all artists at one time or another are compelled to do a self-portrait, and I never have until recently. There seemed to be a need that welled up in me to explore me. Not so much how I looked, but more about how I feel. The age, the wrinkles and thousands of words are all there, but what I wanted to see, what I want you to see is the determination in my eyes. Determined to live the most full amazing life that is possible with the time I have. The first time I recognized that determined spark was in a photo taken by my friend and phenomenal photographer as well as a creative in her own right, Dale Fox, five months after my heart attack. I had cut all of my long red hair so I could take care of it myself, and still somewhat embarrassed I was wearing a red bandana. The day before I had been identified by the one of the top high-risk thoracic surgeons as a bad surgical risk and rejected as a surgical candidate. I had nowhere to turn. And although I can see the profound sadness in my face, I can also see the determination in my eyes. My eyes will always tell the truth, I am determined, and that is what I wanted you to see. What I am looking for is my passion, connection, excitement and fearlessness!

"If"  Bread
looking back now...is ther some divine reason that I end up in Leesburg 
to create my first self portrait?

Damn Rules!

Who made up all the rules? We follow them like fools,

Believe them to be true, Don't care to think them through

And I'm sorry, so sorry I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this

And it's ironic too, Cause what we tend to do

Is act on what they say, And then it is that way

And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry it's like this

I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this

Who are they? Where are they?

How can they possibly Know all this?

Who are they? Where are they? How can they possibly know all this?

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?

Is it because it's true That ignorance is bliss?

Who are they? Where are they?

How do they Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry it's like this

Do you see what I see?
Why do we live like this?

Is it because it's true, That ignorance is bliss?

And who are they? Where are they?

How can they, Know all this?

And I'm sorry, so sorry, I'm sorry we do this

"They"       Jem

I Am Amazed!

There are so many amazing things in this world, and I am learning, I am learning, I am learning! All of the platitudes have always been there, right in front of my face, but I just did not get them until I actually experience them. And here is the thing, it was never by choice! I wanted to experience them, I was too afraid to really reach out there and try. The absolute worst thing that could possibly happen to me, turns out to be the most phenomenal gift I could have ever received! Without it I would have been too afraid to ever try, to ever really live.
Everyday, everyday another amazing gift arrives in my life that is more than I could have ever expected.
Here is what I have learned so far.
It is ok to be slightly strange!
Give and give even when I think there is nothing more of me to give, it always come back to me in the most amazing ways!
Break some rules, they will get over it!
Don’t be afraid to let someone see me, really see me, I do not have to be strong or perfect all of the time.

"Maybe I am Amazed"  Jem

Nude Nite 2014

edgy, provocative, think

Every exhibition will have work that will grab and shake you, but Nude Nite…shakes me to my core, every piece of work is guaranteed to push me to the edge.

What is beautiful,
what are my boundaries,
and is there anything more spectacular than the human body?

It is the most amazing exhibition, and as nervous as I have been to have such a large “not my style” piece accepted I am honored beyond belief to be in the company of such incredible artists that have so much to say! 

I am reminded how wonderfuly lucky I am...

and I absolutely love my evil ways!

"Evil Ways"  Santana

It goes both ways….

Extreme joy, laughing, celebrating vs debilitating fear, panic, worry.   

I am learning that one does not exist without the other!  Pushing to the edge has been the most frightening thing I have ever done, in my life and in my art, but every single time I have challenged a boundary, it has been worth it.  Even when the results were absolute and total failure, I have learned something new and amazing about myself.

It is ok to be afraid, I do not want to avoid fear any more.  I want to invite it in, push my limits because I know ecstasy lies on the other side.

One does not exist without the other.

It has to go both ways!

"I Just Want to Celebrate" Rare Earth

but.....It's ME who is my enemy

I am not the person who is singing, I am the silent one inside.

I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes.  

I just pacify their egos.

I am not my house, my car or my songs, 

They are only stops along my way.

I am like the winter; I'm a dark cold female, 

With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave.

And it's me who is my enemy Me who beats me up

Me who makes the monsters Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice I am carrying my heart.

I am carrying my rhythm I am carrying my prayers,

but you can't kill my spirit, it's old and it is strong,

And like a mountain I'll go on and on. 

But when my wings are folded,

The brightly colored moth blends into the dirt into the ground

And it's me who is my enemy.  Me who beats me up.

Me who makes the monsters. Me who strips my confidence.

And it's me who's too weak, 

And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.

And it's me who's too weak, 

And it's me who's too shy to ask for the thing I love.But I love

I am walking on the bridge, I am over the water,

And I'm scared as hell But I know there's something better.

(Yes I know, yes I know, yes I know, yes I know)

                                             "Me" Paula Cole

CJ is back....

Struggling with a new style, a new medium, a new size.  After so many years of a single recognizable saleable style, it is so scary to step out in such a well-attended exhibition with a piece that is new, different, not me, not well explored or developed.
But maybe that is what she is all about.
I needed a much stronger person with more confidence and strength to belong to this painting, to sign this work.

The young woman I was...stepped forward. She could do this without a second thought. She was courageous, strong, edgy, experimental, and did not give a rat’s ass what others thought.  She always did what felt good at the moment.
She was always in the NOW.
and then she grew up, followed the rules, behaved and she got scared.

CJ  came back to me. Oh, how I have needed and
welcomed her strength and confidence back into my life!
Celebrating her AMAZING attitude back in my life!

 
"It's Amazing"  JEM
Do it now
You know who you are
You feel it in your heart
And you're burning and wishing

I chose....

The work is done, and I am way outside my comfort zone in my life and with my art. I desperately need a sage mentor to take my hand and lead me back to the strength and confidence I used to know so well.  How do I do this? Conjuring up the loving strong supportive ghost that exists inside me, that guides me, holds my hand like I am a child then looks deep into my eyes and says
I believe in you. 
You can do this. 
This is why you are here. 
It is what you are meant to do. 
You always have and you always will do it alone.
Fear and insecurity is part of what you do and you have chosen to do it anyway.
 You chose this.  It is what you love. Now do it!
   
"Ghost" Indigo Girls

Control

The damage no longer controls my life….

Well kind of.....sometimes….I mean it is there, I cannot get away from that.  But this, this is the most amazing way to look at it.  Yes there is damage yes it effects how I live, but I can no longer allow it to control my life.  Nope not any more….I am in charge of this….
I am in charge of this.

"Everyday"  Dave Matthew Band

"Gone So Wrong"

First and most important thing to know, is that after 20 something years, I have done everything I know how to do to avoid drawing/painting faces! They scare the hooey out of me, don’t ask me why…And there is absolutely no explanation for why now, or why I chose such a huge format….ummmmm…I had a canvas that big and I painted over the abstract from years ago is about the only explanation I can offer. Screwed up my creative courage, I was going to get her face right today, or considered seriously, just not showing up. I dug in there…. So here she is….heading to Nude Nite. God I hope I am not making a fool of myself. She is the WRONG MEDIUM and the WRONG SIZE... OMG....
just “Gone So Wrong”! in so many many different ways!

"To Be With You"  Mr. Big

How Long till My Soul Gets it Right?

I suspect what I am trying to say is, there has to be balance!  There has to be sadness and sorrow, for any of us to be able to experience the full measure of ecstasy!    We need that comparison.   I remind myself when I am in the middle of a merciless unfair event that the universe is  preparing me for unbridled happiness and joy.…the bigger the disappointment….the greater the joy!

How long till my soul gets it right

Can any human being ever reach 
that kind of light

I call on the resting soul of Galileo

King of night vision, king of insight


"Galileo"   Indigo Girls

Brave...

There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself.

Carrie Bradshaw, (from Sex in the City)

"Brave" Sara Bareillas

Sometimes....It just Works!

There are no big discernable reasons for those incredible feeling days, they just happen! Maybe today is working spectacularly well because it is not cold, wet or raining for the first time in 4 straight days. I was beginning to feel moldy! Maybe it is the energy that buzzed through each of us Friday night at the Desire Mapping group that still lingers. Maybe it was trying something different yesterday that seemed to have been quasi-successful, but at the very least was a step in the right direction. Maybe it is dreaming about letting go of my fears of being away from home as I consider a trip.
 Whatever it is or maybe all of it,
it makes me feel like dancing today!
 
"Lowrider"  War                       

INSPIRED!

So ecstatic to be in the company of incredible, open, and aware people.  So very ready to sit in a place I have never sat before.  Not forcing, not planning, not striving, just learning how to recognize feelings and to open my heart to the unimaginable.

"Closer to Fine"  The Indigo Girls

Greedy, Bitchy, Selfish, etc, etc, etc.....

It is one of those heinous days that I woke up feeling like I am not good enough.  Doing what I love and feel like I am meant to do sometimes makes me feel greedy, bitchy, and selfish.  I wonder where the line between taking care of me and being narcissistic is?

Does this protect me, free me? Is this part of the journey?


"It's a Beautiful Day"  India Arie

Getting Louder and Louder

And I wonder if the quiet place is right?  Wondering exactly why it is getting louder….I am convinced that place inside of me is born of desire, but what is it I desire?  Love….. money….isn’t everything we desire traced back to one of these two things. But aren’t we all capable of taking these desires and twisting them into the reasons people will lie, cheat and steal?  The quiet place may be getting louder, but I am unclear about what is telling me.


"So Much to Say"  Dave Matthews Band

Before I Get too Deep...

And the jury is still out!  No longer a mother, or a wife, no longer a student, and struggling to be an artist.  Desperately searching for who and what I am. Frightened ..... If I finally figure it out, will I still like me?  I have spent my life defining me by the success of my family, what other people thought, grades, awards and a host of other external accolades.  I enjoyed every one of them, but none of them had anything to do with who and what I am….and I still do not know!

"What I Am" Eddie Brickel & New Bohemians

Epic Lesson...(Why I Am!)

I was accepted into the 2014 Orlando Nude Nite.   Woo-hoo!

Nude Nite allows you to submit only 2 art pieces for consideration….AUGH! 

A few months ago, feeling frustrated and stale, I gessoed over a 40” x 60” canvas abstract I had done years ago that had lived behind the studio door.  I drug that fresh and frighteningly white canvas out onto the porch, sat it up on my painting easel, and stared at it for days.   Finally, feelings began welling up and the actual painting began…the frustrating, amateurish and disproportionate painting.

When it was time to send images to jury, I sent that one, and another piece.  The other piece I am proud of, done in a style and medium that I am accomplished in.  Proportions, colors, execution are close to perfect, I love this piece!
They chose the big awkward painting!

The Epic lesson, is what the hell do I know?

Maybe it is the universe saying, “yes” baby….this is why you are here....more of this.  More outside your comfort zone.  No more focusing on the sure thing, strive for the new…the scary….push past comfortable…embrace awkward... GROW!

"Why I AM"  Dave Matthews Band

It is the Life I Know

I was always taught that a woman, a mother always put men, children and money first.  If there was anything left over, it was hers.  This is the life I know. I find both comfort and pain in the life I know. The life that made certain that I understood I was not good enough.

I am living a very complicated life

My life is full in some of the most loving important ways

But empty in my core when I go to bed at night

It is the life I know.

     "The Life I Know"  India Arie

I Need Art

I miss the hours and days spent in the studio. The craving to create, even create bad work. I am feeling like I have forsaken who and what I am in pursuit of what others have expected and honored. It was an accomplishment, it kept me from focusing on all of the physical things I could no longer do, but when it was done, and I had my degree, there was no tangible evidence of my involvement.
 No color, no shape, no texture, no emotion

Time to go back into the studio,I need the
physical proof that I am alive and feeling!

                                                   I need art!

                  
"I Need You"  The Beatles                   

My little world....

My little world is creative, exposed, different and unique.  Some get it, some do not.  I want my little world to be the place where I am not afraid to admit that I want to be heard, seen and.....loved.

     
           "What the World Needs Now"  Jackie DeShannon

The Secret of Life...any fool can do it...there ain't nothing to it!

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.
Any fool can do it, there ain't nothing to it.
Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill.
But since we're on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride.

The secret of love is in opening up your heart.
It's okay to feel afraid, but don't let that stand in your way.
Cause anyone knows that love is the only road.
And since we're only here for a while, might as well show some style.

Give us a smile.
Isn't it a lovely ride? Sliding down, gliding down,
try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.

Now the thing about time is that time isn't really real.
It's just your point of view, how does it feel for you?
Einstein said he could never understand it all.
Planets spinning through space, the smile upon your face, welcome to the human race.

Some kind of lovely ride. I'll be sliding down, I'll be gliding down.
Try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.
Isn't it a lovely ride? Sliding down, gliding down,
try not to try too hard, it's just a lovely ride.
The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time.

"The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

one voice...

It is just one small voice,  

one life, 

one story, 

but when I talk  about it, it has more energy, more strength and more competence

than I could have ever imagined.

One voice that never has and never will have a single focus.

One voice that is often loud and unsophisticated but always passionate.

One voice is the only thing I have that is truly mine, it cannot be taken away from me unless I give my permission.  I do not!

One voice the only real method I have to show the world who and what I am.
I do not want to be ashamed of  being seen and heard....(wow....that is a big one!)

it is my one voice, are you listening?

 
"Strip Me" Natasha Bedingfield

Feeling Alright!

After so many years and so much hurt, no matter how hard it is, or how much it hurts I get through it.  I wake up in the morning and make coffee. I am feeling alright!  Obeying the cliche'.... Life goes on…

The pain  hurts but it teaches.  The pain makes me strong, and I build another wall to protect myself. Then I wonder…..are the walls keeping new pain out or are they holding the old pain in?
Does it matter?  I am feeling alright.

            "Feeling Alright" Joe Cocker

Bubble Toes!

Snausage toes ….is what I call my ugly, swollen, fat feet days.  But today I am letting the my music give me a different perspective! Bubble Toes.  Yea, that is the ticket…. me and my Bubbley Toes we are dancing this morning!                                                                                 
                                    

"Bubble Toes" Jack Johnson        

Beautiful?

Eventually I will not be so naïve. I may get smart enough NOT to believe what others tell me what beautiful is. Beautiful, is said to be in the eye of the beholder. Or at least that’s what many of us were told. In the humanities and social sciences, we are taught beauty is socially constructed. In the natural sciences, it is argued that certain features are biologically more aesthetically pleasing. Genetically generated to attract a mate and insure the longevity of a species.   We are constantly confronted with beauty – what it is and what it’s supposed to be? Physical, spiritual, intellectual?
Can everyone be beautiful?
If everyone is beautiful, then is anyone really "more" beautiful?
And why do I care so much?
Because my concept of beauty, my concept of me, like so many other things in my life is just another example of a perception I placed in other people’s hands to figure out, to believe in and to live up to.
I “feel” most beautiful, when I am confident, when I am happy, when I am creating, doing something that is kind and compassionate and loving; something that doesn’t necessarily have to do with my appearance. At the end of the day, it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel beautiful; it’s mine.

Am I finally getting brave enough to realistically look at beautiful for myself?

"Beautiful"  Carol King               

I Crave a Different Kind of Buzz

My question is just how many times or how badly do I have to be broken before I get to be whole. I mean really really whole.  And what the hell defines a whole person, anyway?  I suspect “whole” is a fairy tale.  One of those happy platitudes we all bow to and never achieve.  I promise, there has never been a time, at any point of my life, that I willing let myself be broken.  I went down kicking and screaming every single time.  Why can’t I be broken and whole at the same time?  I want a different kind of buzz…Let me live that fantasy.

                       
 "Royals" Lorde

The answers are staring at me!

A new year, new college degree (BA Art Administration, UMASS) and a serious case of “what the hell do I do next” has set in!
Feeling good every day, passionate about creating, connected to my own soul and to the universe, excited, laughing and launching fearlessly into anything and everything life has to offer me is my mission.

While sitting in my chair contemplating how I was going to accomplish this, I looked up and the answers are staring at me!

"Express Yourself" Charles Wright, the 5th Street Band

It is dark in here!

I have spent the last few years steeped in the confines of college classes, measuring my success every semester by letter grade.  Those same few years, doctors have measured my heart's decline in numbers. Letters and numbers defined me but not once did any of them ask me “How does your soul feel?” The numbers and letters are the box I have been living in.

It is time for me to quit hiding in their boxes, it is really dark in there!

         "Unwritten" Natasha Bedingfield
and the final grades have been posted, WHEW....Natural Disasters, Physical Science A and Grant Writing B....I am finally finally finally DONE

Desire Mapping - Core Desires!

Getting into Danielle LaPorte's Desire Mapping and came up with and want to align myself and everything I do with MY CORE DESIRES. I think this is it! From here on out I want these feelings every day!

Passionate

Connected

Fearless

Excited

"All Right Now"  Free

Already feeling naked!

Are you eff-ing kidding me? As if vulnerable is not horrifying enough….

Had I not experienced this ridiculous art truth myself I would be balking much louder.  In fact, the first few times this ridiculous platitude came across my desk, I poo-pooed and pitched it.  However, after reading a couple of Eric Maisel’s books I gave him much more credence and revisited this particular quote.  All of the sudden I began seeing this advice in other places. 

Feel the fear and do it anyway,

 Everything you want is on the other side of fear,

The trouble is if you do not risk anything, you risk more

I am already feeling naked…..really, do I have to discard more armor?

   "The Stripper"  David Rose Orchestra

Happy... Lesson #1

Happy is the feeling I love. It is the place I want to be.  But, it is also the one thing I regularly and voluntarily give away.

Why do I do that? 

I allow myself to put my happiness in the hands of friends, strangers and family then allow my feelings to be hurt when they do not know how to or cannot return the happiness.   I could spend the rest of my life trying to figure ­­­it out how or why it happens or maybe it is time for me to put on my big girl panties and take responsibility for my own happiness.  I need to learn the difference between sharing my happiness and giving it away.  

I am tickled to share my happiness with any and every one! Please, stand next to me, revel in joy, celebrate silliness and bask in love.  I will gladly share all the happiness I have with any and everyone I know,  but I choose to not give my happiness away anymore. 
Happy lesson #1.....Do NOT give it away, share it.

    "Happy"(from Despicable Me) Pharrell Williams

Feel Something

And art is the most beautiful thing!

Art will never leave. It is always there, although I have walked away from it many times.

Art is always honest. I know exactly how I feel about me and about the work.

Art is not always kind! It will tell me immediately when it is bad.

Art does not hide it’s ugly parts.

Art responds immediately when I give it my focus and attention.

Art does not lie.  I may not understand it at the time, but it never lies.

Art always makes me feel something and that in itself is beautiful!
She doesn't look nice, She looks like art, and I hope she makes you feel something!

"Beautiful"  India Arie

Pieces of me...

I understand that I can be a piece of someone else’s life, perhaps my problem is that I want to tell them how and where I fit.  I want my “puzzles” to be correct pretty pictures, and the reality of the situation is that I have no idea or control over what others need from me to fill their holes.

All I can do is feel the joy and feel the hurt every time I give away pieces of my heart and accept the fact I may never truly understand where I fit.

"No Other Way"  Jack Johnson          

FEAR....again....

It occurs to me that the one subject that turns up here over and over and over again is fear!  It never seems to go away.  Every once in a while, I feel like I get a handle on it, but it slips away so easily.  I wonder, do I have more fear than most, or am I just willing to admit that fear is most likely the single most destructive and motivating emotion I have.

          "Into the Mystic" Van Morrison

Next?

I do not know how, when or why. As a creative I should at least be able to imagine what I want my future to look like. Why can’t I envision my own future? My entire life has been about planning, creating goals, and then striving to attain them. I have recently attained some big goals, and I do not know how to take the next step. I know what the typical next step is, I mean the step everyone else takes, but am fairly certain that is not for me. I am putting what comes next in a brand new light and it is scary! Why is my soul here? What am I supposed to do next? When will I know?

 
"(Till I reach the) Highest Ground"  Stevie Wonder

Be thankful....

Fragile

"If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are"
                                                     -Sting

"Fragile"  Sting, Chris Boti, Yo-Yo Ma, Dominic Miller