Bread Crumbs

A wave of panic and self-doubt all of a sudden overwhelmed me!  I needed to leave myself a map and a few bread crumbs today...this really pointed the way!

"Maybe you feel like a tourist in your life now, looking at all the "normal" people, going about their "normal" lives. What was important or meaningful for you before your loss may not even be possible now. You're on the outside looking in, wondering if this time of year will ever bring anything but pain.

Here's what I know: pain will be there until it loosens. This will happen on its own. There is nothing you can do to make that happen. Little by little, of its own accord, pain and love will find new pathways.

Whatever small light or comfort you can find, that is the thing to follow. Hold on to love. Hold on to the light of your love. Even in the darkest night, it can still be found." ~Megan Devine

"Shine on"  Eric Bibb

Baggage

Although I do have to “fade the heat” on some of that baggage!  The other thing I have found helpful in dealing with baggage is to see it from “adult eyes” not the age of the eyes I was when I experienced them…This is kind of a hard concept to understand, but I have found it incredibly healing!

When I remember grief or pain from the past, those memories immediately deliver me back to the emotional time I experienced them.  I am experiencing and feeling the painful situation from the age I was then, from the emotional maturity I possessed at the time.  But now is not then!  The emotional response may be the same…fear, pain, anger, jealously…but the response to those negative emotions CAN BE  CHANGED!

Learning to engage with my past pain using my current emotional position gives me an entirely different perspective of what happened and why.  That gives me a few different and new tools in my coping skills toolbox. 

#1 It was not my fault, I was just ammunition in someone else’s emotional war.  

#2 I survived!  But…if I do not learn the lesson the Universe gave me, all of that pain was for nothing.   

#3 LEARN!!! Learn how to not repeat by avoiding those same situations and/or how to handle them with the wisdom I have accrued that my past baggage gave me. 

#4 It is ok to remember the pain…but CHANGE the emotional response, I have the power to do that!

"I Got This"  Jojee

A Documentary!

This was an exciting post...the woman that has been "coaching" me through my own grief is part of this PBS special. How lucky I am to have found such an innovative woman to help me through my own grief!
Speaking Grief - Trailer from WPSU Creative Services on Vimeo.

Hyperbolic Paraboloid ...yea...I know it is a mouthful!

Face book can be obnoxious or entertaining but every once in awhile, there is a pleasant surprise! Yesterday was one of those times! As I have deleted most of the political nonsense (except for my own occasional rants!) I have replaced them with art, archeology, abandoned places in Florida, etc. etc. sites.  One of the replacements has been a site from the small town I spent a large part of my childhood years. My grandfather a train engineer, grandmother (Nana) the kindergarten teacher and my father the architect.  It seemed like this was the time that a town would have one of each!

I have to tell you that my heart sang as I saw this photo pop up on Face book with questions about what it was, and was tickled to be able to answer them.  This is a wonderful example of mid-century modern!  It was designed by my father as a kindergarten for my Nana.  Kindergartens were private back then. That roof is a geometric equation called a hyperbolic paraboloid…I can remember my Dad working on the balsa wood model in the design process. What a delight to see that it is still there in Roger’s Park, and is still an amazing tribute to my Nana and my Dad!

Looking back to my childhood, I truly had no appreciation for their amazing accomplishments, I really do now!

"Daughters"  John Mayer

Sticks and stones, paper, wood and plastics! (actually polystyrene!) In my studio!

Squirrel!!!!

Anyone that knows anything about me KNOWS I am a card-carrying member of the I hate to cook club.  The standing kitchen rule, for me, is 3 ingredients or less!

Living alone as I have mentioned 42 times before takes a whole new skill set, and this has been a big one!  Cooking for just 2 was a big transition after having teenage boys in the house, but cooking for one is nuts!  The first several months I lived on TV dinners and sandwiches but it got old fast, then in a totally desperate move, I went to the internet gathered up a bunch of “cooking for one” recipes and yes they did have more than 3 ingredients but I soldiered on!

Here is the rub in this plan….you cannot buy ingredients in” just for one” amounts, except for the produce department.  Lunchmeat, frozen veggies, boxes of anything, went bad, got freezer burn, or got stale before I could use them up.  That is unless I committed to eating the same thing over and over again for several days.  I was throwing away food and was feeling guilty and ashamed of my wastefulness.

I invested (not much) in a vacuum sealer and have been cooking smaller amounts, but using all of the perishable ingredients then sucking out the air, sealing them and throwing them in the freezer.  The theory is that they will last much longer without freezer burn. 

So far so good, but I am beginning to feel like a nut hoarding squirrel!

"All Star"  OrtoPilot

Evidence?

The evidence has always been there…our ability to “see” it is just now coming into focus.  Endless studies of 2000-year-old stories may have related to the people’s mentality of the time.  But time has changed and with it our ability to consider things differently. 

It surprises me that we all embrace cell phones, computers, self-driving cars, medical miracle drugs, etc. without blinking an eye but hold on to the beliefs and traditions of the past as the only way to access the miracles of this world. Science is not a God, but it certainly provides all of the relevant and current proof that there is something larger than us involved in “life”.  

"Red wine. Mistakes, Mythology"  Jack Johnson

Feeling heard...connected???

This is HEEE-UGE!  I never realized why I was so angry at the beginning of my heart failure  I could not figure out why I just could not seem to heal or resume some kind of normal life after skip died…and then I realized….no one was listening to or hearing me.

.

I do think it would be selfish of me to think everyone should be interested and vested in my life enough to listen and validate my every whim, nor do I have special requirement levels of participation for friends and family or strangers for that matter.  But…

I think perhaps my daily writing has given me a big leg up in exploring feelings.  Not because I am that smart, but because from the very beginning of this, I have needed some kind of outlet and blogs were free.  And there is another perk!  When I write there is no one to argue with me.  I can whine, bitch, berate the president or Republicans in general, and this list could go on forever.  But I can also remind myself how fortunate I am. I can celebrate life and love, and leave a “map” of how I did it if I need to refer back. I have no idea who is reading this but I have an idea of how many, simply because the hosting site keeps track of the hits, so on some level, I am being heard. I used to watch and celebrate those numbers regularly… I was feeling HEARD.  Maybe not heard in a traditional way, but my thoughts, my failures, and my successes are “out there” in the world for anyone that wants to hear.

"Connected"  Eric Bibb

Today...It will be just fine

Yesterday I got my first hospice nurse order to stay in place, do not go out (usually he asks if I have gotten out).  The good news is that is truly no problem for me…I am in my happy, safe and comfy place and I know how to work the grocery and Amazon delivery system.  This is where all of my happy memories are, it is also where all of my most painful ones are too, but it also reminds me that I have survived. 

The fountain bubbles by the porch, I have supplies in the studio, and have even tried my hand at cooking meals ahead of time and freezing them (a dangerous challenge for me, but we all need a little risk every now and again!) And as a happy sign from the universe…my first orchid of the season has bloomed!  What it all comes down to is, I can do this!  I have not figured it all out yet, but today will be just fine!

"Hand in My Pocket" Alanis Morissette

Taking me places...

This was a whack “up-side” of the head! Just the simple fact that I have been around for a lot of years does give me a leg up on life experience, but I think I may have more than my share.  Perhaps not an overwhelming amount of bad stuff, but certainly more than most.  I never thought of difficult times as “taking me places”.  Did they teach me how to get through hardships, simply survive life or maybe just know when I am in over my head and how to reach out to the people that can help?

Just so you know…I still have no idea where I am going, but I seem to be really good at being “taken places”!

"Places I Remember"  Beatles

Little bits of help...just do what you can...

And they are ready to go!  These will go to my hospice nurse tomorrow, to distribute however, he thinks it is most needed.  Whether it is other hospice docs and nurses, or his patients or caretakers.  It feels good to help in some way even if it is a small way! And…I have run out of elastic, and even AMAZON is out or has a 6 week turn around!  Yikes!

"Change the World" Eric Clapton

Sneaky opportunist...

Grief and fear are close cousins….I mean really close!  I have always had more than my share of fear and I recognize that I have spent a huge amount of energy trying to disguise it but I was not ready for the obnoxious amount of fear that would sneak into the door that grief left ajar.

If I had one maybe two wishes right now, it would not be about money or love, I think it would be no more fear, no more grief.  I suspect everything else would resolve itself if I could get those 2 things whipped into shape.

In the meantime I loved this quote, fear and grief are part of my “emotional family” and they are looking to me to drive this car, even if I do get us all lost from time to time.  But I also suspect that they are sneaky opportunist that would take the wheel if I was not paying attention!

"Mustang Sally"  Wilson Picket

Tricks!

It was yesterday…it was a hundred years ago… time plays tricks.

                    "The Secret of Life"  James Taylor

Extraordinary Times...

It is rather interesting to me, that in a world that is full of “broken things” that a very small microscopic virus is the single thing that has the power to make the biggest changes.  We have all shaken our heads at the broken health care system, the broken political system, the broken education system, the break down of religions, the breakdown of our infrastructure and I could go on.  On some level I believe we have all been expecting some great messiah in the guise of a president, a holy man or some other great person that will step up and save us from the current pending pandemic. 

The reality is that no one person will save us.  We have to save each other by working together with friends, family, and community.  Staying home, living simply, and helping where we can is how we can best contribute to the world and fix the broken things.  I have a whole new appreciation for the janitors, the grocery store employees, the truck drivers, and so many others that I truly did not value as much as I should have.  They have a huge impact on how we live our day to day lives.

This crisis is very different, the only way to fix it is to change how we all think and act towards each other… they are extraordinary times indeed, but perhaps it is nature’s way of making the corrections ordinary humans cannot….and when it is all over I hope we all see the other people and the world from a new perspective.

"Got to do Better" Eric Bibb

Absolutely Correct

I suspect this may sound a bit self-centered…and I suspect you are right!  I cannot say if it is my age or a result of my recent circumstances, either way, it is working for me!  I am looking to spend these days in simplicity, peace, joy, creativity, and love.  Anyone or anything that challenges that I am learning how to let go of.

I will assume my responsibility for past drama and chaos, perhaps it was ego, maybe my own expectations based on my own life experiences.  It does not matter anymore how I got here, I now know it is as simple as just saying, “absolutely correct” and moving on...

"Counting Stars" Gardner Sisters

My truth needs space...

I come from a very “appropriate” background…you may define “appropriate” in a thousand different ways that may shock some!  But in this case, it is about appropriate behavior while grieving.  It had been well defined by my experiences in earlier life of family and friends.  The best word I can think of is “stoic”.  We were taught to cover our own feelings, no crying in pubic, and no matter what was said you nod your head, smile graciously and say thank you.  Then it is all over in a couple of weeks and life goes back to normal…WRONG…

“Our cultural history of pretending that grief is no big deal, of not allowing grief to take up space or have a voice has actually caused a lot of our epidemics of depression, anxiety, drug addiction, interpersonal violence, and other challenges. That's what happens when you don't allow your emotional reality to take up the space it needs. That's what happens when you don't allow the truth to have space to exist. It's not that your pain goes away, it finds other ways to speak. Wherever you are in your grief, whatever path you’re currently on: write. Write to give your future self a portal back to here. Write to give yourself an anchor to your heart.” ~ Megan Devine

Learning how to grieve seems ridiculous, but believe me, it takes a set of skills that I did not have.  I am still working on it...I am a slow learner!

"Story of Your Life"  Mathew West

Talk About It!

I am not advocating that we all whine all of the time, just to tell the truth about surviving loss. I always thought I was well-grounded emotionally; boy was I wrong!  I have been knocked off of my rockers, and as I reached out for help, there was nothing there that helped.  There were lots of people that loved me and did what they thought should help, but it did not.  Then I began to think there must be something horribly wrong with me, that all of this outpouring of love was not helping.  They were not the problem, I was, I did not know how or what to ask for support.  No one ever talks about it…and we all need to!

"Give Them Something to Talk About" Bonnie Raitt

Sneak Attacks!

Just about the time I feel like I am getting a grip on this, it took just a silly email ad to take me down.  And it was an ad for the “Orlando Eye”, you know that giant Ferris Wheel on I-Drive. It reminded me of Skip and me and our “anti-fear” campaign!  Ed had given me a good talking to about how to handle “fear”.  Not allowing heart failure it to take over my life, because it can and will, if I do not recognize it and handle the fear.I decided the first fear tackling exercise would be to ride this thing.  Heights scare the hooey out of me! Skip and I took a 30-minute sunset turn in a private car, with “fear fighting” champagne and chocolate.  Somewhere between the teeth mashing, drinking and Skip laughing at me, I did enjoy it and it was a wonderful spectacle.

It took that one lousy ad to ignite the memory and bring on a fledge meltdown…and I wonder if I will always susceptible to these grief sneak attacks.

“Only being able to cry when you're alone is perfectly normal in grief. We'll never stop saying it: There is no one 'right' way to grieve. Grief looks like a lot of different things. When it comes to crying, some people cry all the time, some only cry when they're alone, some never cry at all, and then there's a vast in-between. Every expression of grief is valid. Grief is as individual as love. Every life, every path, is unique.” ~Megan Devine

"Memories" Maroon 5

A very very acceptable trade-off!

There are so many things at my age, physical and emotional status that make daily life a real challenge!  Now, with all of the Covid-19 virus being reported and strong measures being taken to avoid people to people contact and that includes closing our local attractions… Disney, Universal, Sea World, Arena sports events.  In the past few days, I have wondered how much of this is overreacting.  Whether it is or is not, the economic reaction is going to be real.

With Skip on the construction end of the glass business and me in the art business, any hic-up in the economy and/or stock market had an effect on our personal finances! And then there were my health issues that only added to the financial stress.  Our life was a constant and difficult financial roller coaster ride. Through our life experiences, we learned, the hard way, that a frugal lifestyle was the best way to survive those difficult financial times. We always managed to have what we needed but I will confess that any little financial peace of mind was a relief and so appreciated!  We always made the best of what we had and we always made it through!

I am so grateful for finally reaching social security and Medicare!  It is the first time in my life I have watched economic impending doom arriving without panicking!  My finances are as secure as the government, and I know that is not a sure thing, but the most financially sure I have ever been and I am grateful for the life we led that has created this security.

An acceptable trade-off for not remembering why I came into this room!

"You Never Give Your Money"  The Beatles

It's all here!

Being a grieving person doesn't mean you will always outwardly appear sad. Just because you're out and about and appear to be OK doesn't mean that you are not in pain. And that is perfectly normal but it can be terribly embarrassing other times. For all of the times I am accused of being private and not forthcoming, you are right and wrong at the same time. I feel like I chronically expose myself to my own heartbreak through my art and writing but I do not chase people down and impose it on others.  I do the healing work, creatively and emotionally.  I hope I am doing a good job and living the best possible life I can, allowing my grief, creativity, loss, joy, and love to coexist without letting fear and negativity take up any more of my precious time! It’s all here, out loud and grossly honest.

"Times Like These" Jason Mraz

Bring it on!

And as ominous as it sounds…these are typically the times that I thrive, get more things accomplished and for some reason, I am more creative….So bring it on!  With a compromised immune system, the handwashing
thing is just a fact of life and no biggy….BRING ON THE WEEK…I got it!


"She is not Afraid"  One Direction

It Changes!

"Skip's light"                                                                                   

Loving getting back to my abstract roots. Had to move these finished pieces out of the small and very busy studio, the sawdust and spray paint was encroaching on the finished pieces.

What makes them even more special, to me anyway, is that most of the material is being cannibalized from the 8 ft. piece that was exhibited last year, titled “Skip’s Light” That light cast his  love and being into the universe is being cut up into small pieces, bent and shaped, painted and getting ready to go back out into the world in a different form.  Love never stays the same, it changes!

"Change" Tracy Chapman

Not Forgotten

The 5^th of every month just sucks, the monthly anniversary of his death continues to haunt me. The day began with good/bad news from the hospice nurse.  Changing meds again indicates to me that the kidneys are now beginning to fail, but I am so looking forward to the new pain med that will hopefully control the symptoms of that and help me function better in my day to day life…then there is the damn tankless water heater that crapped out, even though a new part arrived and installed, it still refuses to make hot water, so rather than continue to pour money into a system that may continue to succumb the lime and scale in Casselberry water it is just time to start over again with a new one.  The day was just crappy…then,  Jill Darren & Harper came over. They ordered pizza and Darren continued to work on the hopeless tankless water heater.  It was not the worst day of my, by far, but even with pizza and family I found my eyes filling with tears that I would hide, it just felt like my house and my body was beginning to crumble around me…or maybe it was just the 5^th of the month.  Even with all of this whining, I do recognize and appreciate how truly lucky I am.

But at the end of the evening, Harper pulled a book off of the shelf for me to read.  I do not have any children’s books here (I should)! The book she chose was a photo album because it was covered with brightly colored balloons. So, we looked at and talked about the pictures.  At 3 and a half, I had no idea what she could or could not understand about death.  We all decided not try to explain the complexities of death but to answer her questions if and when they arrived, but not make a big deal of it.  I have not heard her mention or ask.  Then last night as we looked at the photos she put her finger on Skip’s photo and squealed “Granddaddy”.  My heart sang…she remembers him!  He has not been forgotten!

"Don't You Forget About Me"  Lucy O'Byrne

It becomes an ally!

“Pain is not redeemed by art.

When we separate the creative process from a need to solve or fix things, it becomes an ally.” 

~Megan Devine

It is a difficult process to understand!  I know!  Our society is filled with the myth that pain is the purveyor of creativity and even I must confess that without Picasso’s pain we would not have “Guernica”.  So, there are rare examples of that happening.  But I think it is important to say that having a creative outlet does not lessen the pain.  It does, however, give me another outlet for expressing it. It also gives me a chance to move forward.  Just like my writing, once the work is out in the world it is no longer residing in my heart and soul.  In my opinion, this is one place where we collectively screw up grief.  Grief really does need to be expressed in whatever way you need to get it out of your body.  The loss will never ever leave me, but the grief can be expressed. It was 7 months ago today that I lost you and I still have not figured it out.  The best part of our life together was surrounded by art. It has been difficult to reclaim that joy without having you here to share it with me. The only thing I know for sure is that your love and my art is still here.

"Art"  Tanya Davis

Lyrics

I wondered what would be the worth of my words in the world

if i write them and then recite them are they worth being heard

just because i like them does that mean i should mic them

and see what might unfurl

i think of the significance of my opinions here

is it significant to be giving them does anybody care

just because i'm into this does that mean i should live like it

and really do i dare

art, art i want you

art you make it pretty hard not too

and my heart is trying hard here to follow you

but i can't always tell if i ought to

so i pondered the point of my art in this life

if i make it will someone take it and think it's genuine

will they be glad that i did 'cause they got something good out of it

will they leave me and be any more inspired

i question the outcome of the outpouring of myself

if i tell everyone my stories will this keep me healthy and well

will it give me purpose, to this world some sort of service

is it worth it, how can i tell

art, art...

Hot Mess!

I never really got into the “Namaste” movement.  Could be…I do not now, or have I ever felt “beautiful” inside or out.  But I look back on my life and teaching the “Artist’s Way” for over 25 years” and am thinking perhaps part of my superpower was recognizing in myself and other artists the fear that keeps all creatives from moving forward with their own magnificent talent.  The literal “hot mess” we survive in!  So “Hotmeste” really does resonate with me!

"Message to Myself"  Melissa Etheridge

"Awfully bold of you to assume I've peaked!"

“Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.”  ~ Eric Roth

At this stage of my life, I feel that I am on a roller coaster.  At the apex is you go girl, your time is limited and the famous “if not now…when?”  But then there is the bottom of the curve…I am tired, how can I do this alone, what happens if I get sick and cannot take care of myself?  I think I have a very good idea about how bi-polar may feel!

The Universe hands me opportunities, I have to recognize them…then do the work!  I have had the opportunity to do some small abstract sculpture to accompany garden and floral arrangements.  Something I have a little knowledge of from my Nana Jones who was the high holy flower arranger of Lake county in the 60’s but this is all very new and challenging work! There will be exhibit space at a southern garden club convention in Tamp for a week and a wonder sculptor friend is already going to be there, offering to take my work and sell it too.  But then I began to realize that this event is inside a large Hilton Hotel Convention Center.  When will be the next time I can show a lot of my work, indoors, with a hotel room just upstairs if I need to rest?  THEN… there was the issue of getting there and my son recommended I look into the train…Bingo! $14 each way, Winter Park to Tampa, cheaper than parking each day... and the Tampa train station is less than a mile from the hotel not to mention that Uber is my friend…The Universe is SCREAMING at me….DO IT!

"Do it Again"  Steely Dan

Wonky...

“Anxiety is exhausting. It sucks. And it's not even useful, no matter how much it screams that it's real.

Fear thoughts create a brain response, which creates a body response, which conditions your thoughts to come up with more fears, which starts the cycle again. And this is why you can't talk yourself out of anxiety.

We have so much shame around anxiety; we often pretend we aren't feeling it. It's never effective to pretend you aren't afraid. Pretending you aren't afraid makes your interpersonal relationships come out wonky and makes you feel incredibly unstable.”

Wonky is one of my favorite words, mostly because I do not think there is a definite definition. I was/am a great pretender! Yes…I am afraid…a lot.  Yes…I hate this vulnerability.  Yes…I am all kinds of meds for anxiety, and no when it comes to my (or anyone else’s) heart, there is nothing we can take to stop the pain of loss.

I allow it to happen. I talk to myself (and Skip) and ask what am I really afraid of, what is the worst that could happen now? 

"Crazy"  Seal

A VERY Different Direction

“When sudden death erupts into your life, your whole way of understanding the world is rocked. Previous interests – even things you loved – can seem futile.

You aren’t the person you were before. This experience of love that you’re living has knocked you off course. When you gain your footing again – and that takes the time it takes – you’re going to be facing a different direction. You’ll have to find out how you fit here now, who you are in this new place.”

~Megan Devine

It does take time…more time than I had imagined!  I had kind of expected the “recovery” to be like recuperating from an illness, with a recommended timeline, although I was never clear who recommended it or how long it should be. That is not how it works!  But as I just begin to find my footing again I am finding that I am facing in a very different direction, and it is both frightening and exciting at the same time.

"We May Never Pass This Way Again"  Seals & Crofts